Symptoms

 There is so much that comes into play. Suicide is not the problem nor the solution. It is a symptom. Sometimes it is a symptom of too many times misrepresented. Too many times used. Too many times ignored. Too many times treated as inferior. Too many times blatantly discriminated against. Too many times rejected and ostracized. 

Suicide is not going to decrease with the way we currently handle "mental illness," the way people treat another if they find out they have one of the problems that so often lead to suicide, and how we continue with so many ostracizing social norms and cultural practices. 

It is believed that antidepressants can increase the risk of suicide. I think it just might be the prejudice and discrimination one feels and cannot escape once one is diagnosed that increases the risk of suicide. There might be a correlation to the way others treat them and don't treat them that increases risk of suicide. 

Recently, I am struggling again. 

Struggling to keep those images out of my mind. 

Struggling to feel my life is of value and worth. 

It is a symptom. 

But this time it is not a symptom of my TBI or mania, or imbalanced chemistry. I am very balanced. It is a symptom of things like rejection, isolation, intolerance, bias, prejudice, bigotry, ignorance of others and their determination to make me wrong after they make a mistake, or because they are bias, and/or simply uncomfortable with my "condition." 

... I think I am strong. I think I am beyond it. But the continued hits, they hurt. And I am noticing that those images are coming a bit more frequently. 

And this might just be even more scary, because at least when I was unmedicated and imbalanced I knew that my brain was not entirely rational, I knew that my chemistry and body were off, and I could attribute it to the imbalance. Now it is the rational realization that those friends really don't care, those people whom I have loved, appreciated, stood up for and even defended, -medical providers, educators, police officers, friends, family members- do not feel the same regard for me. They would literally rather I not be around.

That symptom seems most dangerous. 

Dear Brazil Man (the one whose community assured me that he was perfectly safe, "just crazy"),

You are very lucky to live in a community that does not fear you because of your illness. You are very lucky that your community treats you with kind regard and even appreciation. 

Some of us are not so lucky and the harder we try to change and help implement change, the harder we try to help people understand that "crazy" people are not bad or scary, -that we can become self aware, understand, and learn how to treat and manage our condition much the same way people with so many other illnesses and conditions do,- the more rejected we are. Constantly having confirmed that we are considered inferior and of no value to our communities. 

I hope you are doing well Brazil Man. I hope you are still being treated with kindness, respect and dignity. I hope your community is well and strong in these trying times. I appreciate that you taught me what you did and I appreciate the hope you gave me. I hope that someday the communities and the cultures I live in will learn to be as beautiful as you and yours on that day you in your busy, bustling city. 

Sincerely,

Lonely

...

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away..."

"When this all blows over," she says, "I'm going to run away for awhile."

Mya Angelou and unconditional positive regard

 Lately my husband has been playing Mike Rowe's That's the Way I Heard It podcasts whenever we go on a long drive. These short stories have been fun, interesting, and educational to listen to. I have learned about many people that I might otherwise never have learned about. I like how Rowe credits and celebrates many significant contributors to our world but who got overlooked in the writing of history. 

One of the stories that intrigued me was about a lady named Mya Angelou. I have heard the name but I didn't really know who she was so I did a quick google search. I find some quotes that I recognize. 

Although Ms. Angelou is an amazing and significant person I am going to deviate from celebrating her and focus on one of the quotes she is famous for; a significant observation she made that can also be used to explain the problem with therapists being allowed to terminate and ignore highly vulnerable patients when they are entangled in transference and/or countertransference.

The quote: 

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

            -Mya Angelou

When a person is seeing any form of psychologist for any form of psychological therapy, one form of transference -that frequently occurs- is that of learning to love themselves through loving their therapist. Unconditional positive regard and the therapists mirroring techniques, such as reflective listening, are significant contributors to this form of transference. These trendy therapist utilized techniques are effective because of how they influence a persons feelings. For many people, this therapeutic environment is their safe place and often the one place in the world where they feel valued and appreciated. They may feel finally understood and cared for. They may feel compassion and even passion. They will also feel whatever the therapist reflects and projects. They may not fully understand it -they may not understand it all- but they will feel it. 

When I was with Dr. He I felt it. I felt safe, understood, appreciated, valued, comfortable, and loved. My imperfect self was perfectly imperfect and I was noticed and significant. It felt good. And I felt good when I was with Dr. He. 

But then, suddenly, when these good feelings were just starting to become more prevalent in my life away from Dr. He, he dropped me. 

...And it hurt. 

Bad. 

It broke me. And then my feelings and physiology went haywire. 

I was able to go back. That is when Dr. He implied a reciprocation of the profoundly intense and meaningful feelings I had for him; my feelings that may have mostly been meant for me but were still transferred onto him. The feelings triggered and feed by his confession, or manipulation, were even more intense and beautifully bizarre. A drug. Euphoric. A surreal nirvana I had obtained that directly correlated with this man. 

 "... people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

How he made me feel. That was where I was left. 

And if you have ever reached it, you know too, that you never want to forget nirvana.

After it was determined that he could no longer be my therapist,  he was determined to never have anything to do with me... Then I felt rejection and confusion. I felt the deep feelings of loss that made my heart physically hurt. I also felt the reality of my injuries and vulnerabilities that I was trying to figure out and understand but that were also being denied by the experts. I felt passion but also lonely despair. I felt "let it burn out" as instructions of what was supposed to happen to me and what I was supposed to do with me for his sake. I felt so many bizarre and profoundly painful things as I tried to get to the bottom of what was happening to me, my body, my chemistry, and my psychology. These tragic and painful feelings could arguably be attributed as also ways that Dr. He made me feel. But there is a huge problem: These harsh and painful feelings did not associate as well with him as the profoundly positive feelings did simply because the positive was felt in his presence while the negative directly correlated with the absence of his presence. I needed to feel the negative that was coming from him directly from him. I understood this and was fighting for it. But he would deny it which would further reinforce the profound feelings associated how I felt when I was with him that were still tied to him and further negate the unconditional positive regard that was supposed to be associated with me.

I also see this in my sweet friend who found me through my answers on Quora about countertransference. She actually had the chance to talk with her therapist after a traumatic ending to their therapeutic relationship. However she was blamed and shamed more than understood and helped. Thus the negative feelings were tied back to her while he, the therapist who was supposed to be the one having and giving unconditional positive regard, was given unconditional positive regard by her, the client. After this one meeting, she was then abandoned and expected, even threatened, to never speak to him again. It is very easy to see how this could so easily end in the emotional trap of not being able to forget positive feelings that were associated with him while the negative feelings she would tie back to her because they were felt in his absence and outright rejection of her. 

Artificial unconditional positive regard then manifesting as the nastiest dagger-in-the-back it really is. 

Is there a better solution? A better possible outcome?

Yes. There is. 

How? I think the first things that need to happen are: Therapists need to follow through with unconditional positive regard when the conditions are tested. Therapist also need to be willing to, at very least, reciprocate the unconditional positive regard their client/patients have for them OR be willing to stop their ego and/or insecurities from sacrificing the client and the clients best interest to selfishly cling to the true unconditional positive regard the patient/client has for them by rejecting the client before the client might reject them. 

The Plight of the Inferior

 When Rosa parks was told to go to the back of the bus she was given no explanation and there was no discussion to be had. She simply belonged to a classification of people that were believed to be inferior so therefore she was obligated to accept unfair treatment and if she did not she could face criminal charges. For us looking back it is ludicrous and unscrupulous. But for those at the time it was simply the societal norms and expectations. 

Today people with TBI's and psychological disorders are treated similarly. We are figuratively expected to go to the back of the bus and tolerate the fear, misconceptions and unfair treatment of us because we belong to the classification of people that are currently believed to be inferior. And if we do not comply we may even face criminal charges that would otherwise never be allowed to even be filed. It is asinine and ludicrous and yet it is happening...

In my PSY 1010 course book, the 5th edition of Psychology in Daily Life by David Myers and Nathan Dewall, it makes clear (and is backed by research) that psychological disorders do not increase risk of violence nor do they predict who is likely to do harm AND that "People with disorders are more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators of violence" (pg. 396) 

It is documented and it is known, that people who have certain psychological disorders are highly vulnerable and overwhelmingly non-violent yet we are all lumped together and overgeneralized to be threatening and dangerous. Then all you have to do is bring up one of our disorders and you can get away with all manner of abuse and mistreatment.  

But then, the very same book -that defends people with psychological disorders- makes overgeneralizing statements like this, "Better predictors of violence are the use of alcohol and drugs, previous violence, gun availability and - as was the case of the repeatedly head-injured and ultimately homicidal National Football League player Aaron Hernandez - brain damage" (pg. 396)

And automatically victims of atrocious domestic violence and injuries from events completely out of their control are lumped into the same category as drug and alcohol abusers and homicidal people. Which leads to and somehow justifies them being discriminated against -because they can be predicted to be violent. So people fear and/or poke and instigate and then accusingly declare, "see, they are violent" even if "they" are acting the way any person would act if they were being mistreated similarly. 

Most of us are fighters, that's how we survived, but that does not make us violent. I am not violent. Nor are many people with TBI's. In fact, for many, the TBI can actually decrease aggression and for those that it has increased violent tendencies for, due to neuroplasticity, it is quite possible they can overcome it. 

I know this because I have overcome a lot that TBI has been the cause of. For example, I stopped bloodying my hands on a punching bag many, many years ago because I had overcome the anger and aggression the first TBI had caused. The punching bag, a resource, was the only victim of my aggression. We are human and humane and, when we are fighting to stay that way, it is neither human nor humane to label and predict then stigmatize, ostracize, and punish us for your fears and misconceptions.

The second TBI did not cause violence or aggression at all, it seemed to take any and all aggression out of me, even assertiveness. Since that TBI, I have had to do the reverse; utilize neuroplasticity to help me fight and keep fighting when I had nothing left in me and was fading into just that; nothing.  

Sigh...

My plight continues. But I will not quit. 

 

Tangential Speech

I am very fortunate to be able to work as an academic advisor with the occasional students of my former employer. I enjoy this. Sometimes I am an academic advisor, sometimes a tutor, sometimes more of a mentor or a coach, and sometimes am just someone to hold them accountable to there school work. 

Today I was working with one of these students. An intriguing adolescent boy who gets easily sucked into the rabbit holes of physics. Today one of those rabbit holes was literally black holes which are incredibly difficult to escape so it is not surprising that he was so distracted and sidetracked by this tangent he got sucked into. I enjoy this boys fascination and comprehension of physics. It is fun to talk about, but he easily gets sidetracked from the task at hand and I frequently have to carefully redirect him back to the task at hand. 

Today as I was trying to maintain that delicate balance I was reminded of a time in my life and person who would allow me to go off on tangents but then would carefully redirect me back to the purpose for my visit. I thought how interesting it was that I was now doing this for this boy and it made me that much more aware of the significance of my role. I remembered how I had even blogged about this and I felt this experience with this boy helped me understand better my own analogy of the straightjacket that I once applied to my redirector. (You can read that here: https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-straight-jacket.html ).

As I am driving home from working with my student I reflect on how alone I have been in my plight since that straightjacket therapist broke me. That is when I remember I need to call my mom back. My mom who had said she would help me try and sort out my medical records and file the requests for them to be corrected. I try calling. She does not answer and I am left alone with my thoughts again. I feel a bit sad about how my mom had not followed through with that help and about how truly alone I am with these very heavy burdens. I am not surprised by my moms lack of follow through but was more surprised by her calling. These days it is unusual for her to want to call and talk about anything but she wanted to talk so I wondered why she was calling. 

My mom rarely surprises me, but when we finally connect today I am surprised, very surprised, to learn that she had been going over my medical records and she wanted to talk about them. It has been so long she does not remember what I had asked her to help me with. She says they have been hard to go over, they have made her emotional. She sees some of herself and her traumas but she also feels bad about me and mine and how she did not know how to help when I needed it most. But one thing she mentions is especially interesting. She says something about how Dr. He had mentioned several times tangential speech in his notes on me. She was not sure what that meant so she looked it up and it was upsetting to her. She feels like this problem should have been an indication of the something-more-going-on-with-my-head that I had tried to explain so many times to so many different providers and that really was going on. She is upset that Dr. He did request further testing and brain imaging to be done or for me to be seen specifically by a neurologist at his facility. 

After I get off the phone with my mom I look up the term. This is what comes up: "Tangential speech or tangentiality is a communication disorder in which the train of thought of the speaker wanders and shows a lack of focus, never returning to the initial topic of the conversation." this is according to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tangential_speech and if you read the second paragraph of that link it states: "Some adults with right hemisphere brain damage may exhibit behavior that includes tangential speech.[4]" My mom remembered that the damage found on the MRI done last December was in the right hemisphere. The MRI that was done by an entirely different institution over year after Dr. He had documented my tangential speech. 

And I am emotional again. The straightjacket analogy making more sense now and my heart broken and confused once again by the burden of knowing that he knows his stuff and he knew what he was doing. Then the question of my previous physical therapist echos in my head, "what is the worst possible scenario?" 

"That he is a grooming psychologist, and I have to bring it to light or to stop him," I reply (or something to that effect). 

But the thing is I still don't know. It is not proof that Dr. He is a grooming psychologist, and I know that it could just be more evidence of just how messed up the whole institution is or even the industries of psychology. I have seen and heard the bias and discrimination plain and clear in the language of the empirical and scholarly research and by and from the providers. I have seen how far down the nose other psychologists will look at a person who develops feelings for a person like me. I have seen and felt just how inferior I am made out to be with my damaged brain and disorders of psychology and personality. I have seen just how rigid and unwilling the professionals are to believe that we are not inferior and that a person can be successful at adjusting, adapting and living as a well-adjusted person with the those disorders rather than the person being the disorder. 

An anomaly or the member of an inferior class of people that would be shameful to be attracted to or to credit with a comparable level of intelligence? Which am I? 

I am an anomaly. But just as anomalies so often are, maybe I am less of one than they think. Maybe if people would stop treating me and those like me as shameful subhumans than they might find the things that make me a successful and/or positive anomaly are not so unusual after all. 

...But mostly what about the tangential coincidences of the day? Tangential speech, not to be confused with circumstantial speech. 

The Art and Psychology of Procrastination

 I'm glad I am on here less. I am glad I don't need it daily to help me process and progress. However, I still find it helpful.

Today I am thinking about procrastinating. 

I am doing that and I have been. But I don't think procrastination is nearly as iniquitous as it is made out to be. And it can be used constructively. For example it is the best way to shorten a long flight: Bring something you need to get done or have been wanting to do and then procrastinate doing it. Before you know it, you no longer have time to finish and the flight is over! It's amazing how well this little trick works. 

However, I am not sure if the procrastination I am experiencing now is friend or foe. I am procrastinating the applications for the masters and PhD programs. I am running out of time. I am thinking maybe I will not apply at all because I have procrastinated it too much.

Why would I do this? This is so important to me. I really want to pursue that and make a difference "help so many people," the way so many people believe I can. ...

...

...

Rejection. 

That is why.

I think I am self sabotaging because ultimately I am not sure I can handle the rejection that feels inevitable because it is such a long shot. 

And rejection hurts. 

I have been hurt by it a lot.

Here is the other thing about that. If I put my heart and soul into this and I try my hardest to get in,- I do all the research, reach out, play all the games, etc. -and I still get rejected then, once again, I am not good enough, not worth the time, not valued etc... Even though I know I could be invaluable, that matters very little if nobody else sees me as such... AND it hurts so much bigger when your heart is attached and you have put so much of yourself into it. 

Procrastination and self-sabotaging is sooo much safer. Because, at least then, it simply is my fault and not due to my dislikability and/or lack of value to society. 

This is flawed thinking, especially considering about 6% get admitted to the PhD programs and something like < 30% to the masters program. I know this is flawed thinking but intrinsically my subconscious is rebelling, likely as a form of self-preservation. So consciously I have to make a choice:

Do I let this self-preservation phenomenon take over or do I fight it. 

I have heard it said that bravery is not acting with out fear, but rather it is acting in spite of the fear. The person who is truly brave is the one who is afraid but does it anyway when they know it is the right thing to do.

...but then my brain will question, "is it really the right thing to do?" ...and then, armed with an army of Self-Sabotaging Soldiers, the Procrasti Nation starts to win the war...

...and now I have a whole new book to write:

The Art of War Procrastination. 

the heart to try

 And then, somehow, I am Rosa Parks, aging and tired and done with being treated like a second class citizen when she finally says, "No. I will not accept this anymore."

Second class citizens. 

We are not. 

Inferior.

We are not. 

Chances given?

Too often we are not

because of our misunderstood attributes that people will judge us harshly for.

Acceptance and support given?

Too often we are not.

The same common courtesies  offered?

Very often, no.

These are the problems I wish to address. I wish to help change. 

But to do so, is to beat all the odds, because chances are not left to chance but rather left to those who are very often in the too-often-not camp.

It is a toll on my heart, everyday, trying to convince myself I have a chance and continuing down this path of odds so highly stacked against me. 

But I have to try. because this is not just about me. 

...And I don't want to be just about me. Especially when I know what I know. 

Please stay strong little heart 

and keep going. 

-Love, 

Your Brain

Well Scarred. Hello High and Goodbye

 Feeling a bit high

Not entirely sure why

but as I feel this

(and it is just a touch)

I wonder

just how ... in the hell... 

I survived 

as long as I did

cycling as intense as I was

EVERY SINGLE DAY 

FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS

. 

No small feat.

That just a touch of high

-and I mean a tiny touch-

this high reminds me of.

Deep breaths and getting those stabilizers in

... maybe another extra curricular that will climax and use up the levels quickly...

and I will come safely back down 

to 

normal

levels again soon.

For as fun and exciting as the temptation may seem, I am scarred well enough to know: 

I don't want that high.

Apophenia

 I learned a new word today: apophenia. 

Apophenia is not a recognized word in the spell checker of whatever platform I am using to type this, but a quick google search will tell you that apophenia "In psychology, [is] the perception of connections and meaningfulness in unrelated things. Apophenia can be a normal phenomenon or an abnormal one, as in paranoid schizophrenia when the patient sees ominous patterns where there are none" as explained by https://www.medicinenet.com/apophenia/definition.htm. 

This is an interesting thing to me. 

...

How do I explain this?

Clearly I make connections. It is my favorite thing about neuroplasticity. "My TBI brain can make connections that your brain does not even know exists," I like to joke.

So are they meaningful or meaningless and are they between things that really are connected or not? 

The answer is, Yes. 

When your brain starts down the manic slope (or is it up?) you are seeing all kinds of meaningful connections between unrelated things... It is part of how I knew. How I knew I was not quite right. How I knew he was not quite right in his missing or misdiagnosing. But I wanted to believe him. He was, after all the professional. But if these seemingly meaningful connections, that I am suspecting mean I am loosing stability more than they mean any of the other connections my mind is making, are then said to be something else, something other than apophenia, what then? That means the connections are real AND those connections were diagnosed to be real by the expert.

Another thing about connections and meaningful connections; who gets to decide if they are meaningful or not? Who decides who is crazy, anyway? Remember Semmelweis? Einstein? Galileo? and many many others; scientists, who made seemingly meaningless connections between unrelated things. 

It's tricky and very open to interpretation. 

One thing I have noticed is that when you are making connections that threaten what people know, or believe they know to be true, they want to make you wrong. It is so common and happens so quick that it almost seems to be an instinctive reaction. If this happens with people, or institutions, in power and they feel it threatens their practices and policies they will take it even farther. They will silence you. They will blacklist you. They also react this way if you are connecting things they are trying to hide, or are using to deceive people. 

Right now I am making connections. Are they real or are they not??

Connections. Meaningless connections. That is what they will say. But, what if they opted to listen? What if they listened when I told them I think part of the connection was that I validated his chosen career path, his research, his very life's work? What if they considered the connections I was making when I suggested the "concussion" was worse than I was manifesting? What if they considered the connections between how I have been treated and the attorneys that are advising them? What if they considered these connections and the reasons for them instead of writing them off as some form of apophenia?

...Too many of my connections are not apophenia. That is why they want me silenced. But do they actually realize this about themselves? Or are they doing the opposite; not making connections when connections do exist? According to this little article featured on Psych Central https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/reality-play/201207/being-amused-apophenia, that mistake is can be much more dangerous. 

...This is also true of transference and countertransference, which are ultimately forms of meaningful connections between things that are supposedly unrelated. 

I believe the solution likely lies in the problem: recognizing that these connections are not unrelated and not meaningless. These connections should not be discarded and ignored nor treated as a threat that we instinctively try to destroy. 

I believe that humanity is the ability to overcome primal instincts and the only way we can overcome those primal instincts is by first recognizing them and making connections. 

Now you decide, is this apophenia or intelligence? Or is it just plan common sense? 

Keeping on

 The other day I was sad. Also scared and insecure about how to apply to grad school. It is not that I lack confidence in being able to do it, it is that I lack confidence in my ability to sell myself. I lack confidence in convincing others to give me a chance. I lack confidence in other people giving me a chance. 

And that is a very difficult challenge to overcome.

I am not sure how to overcome that one. I have had significant difficulty in the past and I am fairly certain I have been blacklisted at some institutions. ...I don't want to get into it. I already have, which may be why I have been blacklisted... 

So I will try to stay focused on the positive. 

Asking for letters of recommendations is intimidating. I was quite nervous about that. But so far the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. 

And that is nice.

So I am letting that be what I think about and focus on and I am very grateful for those votes of confidence from people I highly admire. 

 Today I am genuinely sad.

I don't want to process anymore. I don't want to keep working through. 

I don't want to keep fighting 

for chances

I don't want to keep getting rejected.

I am sad.

Tenacity and Trees

We have had this sad little plant for about 20 years. It was not a sad little thing at all when I bought it. However, it has since moved seven times, been left in a car during the summer in the High Desert of California, deprived of water when forgotten about, thrown off a deck, had its leaves picked off by curious little hands, and has rarely been repotted or given new dirt. 

If I didn't have so many other things to feel guilty about I would feel guilty about how I have neglected this poor little tree. And just so you know, I was not the person who threw this sweet little survivor off the deck. 

But what about this little tree? 

My husband says he thought we threw it away... actually we had, when it was in particularly bad shape. So it's been through that too. It may have been around the time it got thrown off the deck. Whenever it was, I did not have the heart to discard it so easily. You see, that is the trouble with me, I see potential. I see a pretty little plant that has so much potential in spite of the abuse and neglect it has endured. And it is a fighter. The sweet little thing has held on in spite of all of it. 

Yesterday a new beautiful plant was given this guys location and my husband thought to throw this little displaced tree out again, but he knew we could not. 

So instead, I gave it a very honored spot on the sunny window seat of the front room. I think that is where this silent struggling survivor really belongs. In a highly visible spot where it is honored and more likely to be remembered. By supporting it and nurturing it, by celebrating it for its strength and tenacity, I hope this little plant will thrive. It may never reach the full potential it once contained but already it is more beautiful and happy looking. 

And it is inspiring. 

A new potential that it did not have before which, ultimately, might make it more valuable than it ever would have been if it had not endured the hardships it has. 

This next picture, from a different angle, shows just how beautiful and healthy it's new growth continues to be. 

Keep reaching and keep striving little tree, and together we can become greater then either of us ever could alone. 

 

Update added 4/23/24

It has been sometime since I published this post, but today I was noticing just how healthy our funky little symbolic tree is looking. Sure it is still scared and stunted compared to what these trees are meant to look like and what this little guy likely would have looked like had it not been through the trauma it has been through, but none-the-less it is a happy healthy plant that I believe brings far more satisfaction to us, it's caretakers, than it would if its journey had not been what it has been. So I decided to post this picture to show how our plucky little family tree is progressing with its supported potential. 

TBI's just don't fade away...

 I'm lying in bed wondering why I am not sleeping... Why I am not more tried than I am feeling, because I I am tired and yet, somehow, I am not. Thoughts are cycling and I feel a tad concerned that maybe I am getting high again. 

Why?

Well, in light of recent events, I am a bit emotional about having to drop the class and feeling rather inferior about applying to grad school. "Maybe that is it," I think as I reflect on my emotions and the day. 

In reflecting I step myself through the events that might be affecting me. That is when I realize, I can't remember taking my medication... I didn't take my meds.  

What a freaky weird mess I am. If I don't take them, even once, I don't sleep?  And I have to be so much  more aware of my emotions than I assume others have to be. It can be quite exhausting really, so you'd think the sleeping would not allude me so. But alas, it does as my mind so easily wonders to the taboo paths that neuropsychologists create and then forbid. 

Sigh. 

...High, 

I am not. But rather I am thinking about it. It is so weird and funny really. Loads of people take all kinds of drugs to get high, but I get high if I don't take drugs. 

I remember when I was first diagnosed with depression at age 18/19. Drugs and alcohol were assumed, which was really annoying to me because -with the exception of a margarita and a daiquiri I drank at the age of 18 at a restaurant while with friends that I ordered kind of on a dare and just to see if I could get away with it- I had never touched drugs nor alcohol. I knew better. I was already screwed up enough, I didn't need help with that. So it annoys me still that drugs and alcohol are so automatically assumed to go hand in hand with mental illness. Because, for me, they do not. 

...And, like the good girl that I am... I responsibly take my drugs every day so I can not be like all the people who irresponsibly take their drugs to get high and behave stupidly.   

TBI's do weird things to people, their brains and their autonomic nervous systems, and I sure do wish I had experts to discuss and collaborate with about things like this.  

Meds kicking in, eyes getting heavy, I'm off to bed again. 

Keeping in context. Still fighting.

 Nothing I have experienced is quite as exquisitely painful as knowing that someone you loved and trusted would rather you die than admit they made a mistake... 

and then further deepened knowing that they may have even been pushing for it.

I am not sure if it was the PTSD trigger that brought back, or maybe rather re-intensified the still fading,  feelings and memories or if it is the distance I am feeling between me and my husband that has caused feelings to resurface, but for some reason these last couple of days, I keep finding myself tucked away in memories and feelings that I have been struggling like hell to forget and move past; to get and/or keep within appropriate and accurate context and framing. 

Today, while on a drive with my husband, I started reading aloud the next chapter in my PSY 1010 book. It is on stress. It is probably worth noting that the previous  chapter covered our human need for belonging. Now I am reading about how stress, stress from trauma, and prolonged stress effect your health and your autonomic nervous system (ANS). 

It put things back into appropriate context. 

Dr. He's research on how concussion effects the ANS is a systematic review. That's kind of a big undertaking and if one chooses to take on all the research and scholarly articles well enough to produce a publishable systematic review, then one knows the topic and material very well....

...And there is nothing quite as exquisitely painful as knowing and remembering that someone you loved and trusted so completely knew what he was doing and knew how it would affect a person. When I was trying to protect he was pushing for increased stress, a compromised immune system, depression, and further instability that would increase likelihood of a shortened life.

It is very painful. 

and I have to admit, I feel especially hurt again, not just by that man but also by the slew of other people that chose to follow suit and by the silence of my husband after I explain why-the-tears that refused to stay contained.

And by the silence of friends and family who no longer speak to me, because they did not want to be bothered and/or they did not want to believe our medical providers could do such things when I needed help and support to pull through the trauma ... and when I was distressed. 

I am sad.

But at least I can feel some peace knowing this has likely shortened those aging fading years that I am not all that excited for. 

taking sides (of my brain)

 PSY 1010. I am reading about thinking, language and intelligence. The book, Psychology in Everyday Life by David Myers and Nathan Dewall (2020) says, "we have many distinct neural networks that enable our many varied abilities. Our brain coordinates all that activity and the result is g [general intelligence]" 

I also just read about Broca's area and Wernicke's area. They are area's in the left frontal lobe that effect language comprehension and expression. An area where I have some damage. And I have read about cognition and creative thinking. I especially like Robert Sternberg's and colleague's 5 ingredients to creativity. And I like the list of cognitive processes this textbook contains on page 221. 

Back to the quote I started with. I read that and had a moment of insight, defined by the the book to be "a sudden realization of the solution to a problem; contrasts with strategy-based solutions." I think I might extend the definition to also include sudden realizations of problems and the potential contributing variables. 

My insight? I suppose it stems from the problem of "why is it so much harder for me to focus when I am emotional and with this recent trigger?" I have really struggled to study, and function with the recent PTSD trigger. I am forgetting things across the board and staying focused is really difficult.

But the Aha moment points out that my right prefrontal cortex has damage too, even more than the left temporal lobe. My insight reminds me that neurologist was impressed at how well I am doing in comparison to others with damage like this to that area. But when emotions hit and conditions that would require energy from that now missing area arise, it takes energy and effort from all the other parts of my brain to manage what that missing area could manage so much more easily and efficiently. Thus, so many other areas of cognition suffer ...so I probably really am more sensitive... 

and the fatigue happens faster because I am coming from a deficit. And I know this, but I think I finally just understood it. Neuroplasticity; is a wonderful and amazing thing, but it does require energy. 

Everybody needs a Dr. She

 Triggering, PTSD, discrimination, ignorance, bias. Those have been what I have been dealing with this last week. 

I know I have not handled everything perfectly but I have been trying to handle it honestly and fairly. The professor, clearly is not going to be fair with me. He has not honored what he has said about not marking us down as late and he refuses to communicate with me or provide feed back on the assignments we are supposed to be building on and adjusting according to feedback. There is more to this story I do not wish to disclose. It hurts and it has triggered very real PTSD but now I have this lovely little incident to figure out. 

And it is so hard not to take these hits personally. Not to feel like I am the problem. It is hard to trust the people at the institution that say they are there to help me through this. It is hard to know how to proceed. And it brings back memories of the IHC patient advocate who acted so nice and claimed she was there to help when it was all just a set up. I am not sure if I should go down that path with the University... But this time, I am not trying to "protect" anyone who has and are causing harm to me. This time I am not at all attached. So at least that. 

Mostly, I am sure glad I have Dr. She. She understands me and she knows what has happened, she understands why, and she knows who I am. She has confidence in me. Even more than I thought. She is not disappointed in me and she does not think any less of me. She does not blame or shame. She does not baby or coddle. She just talks to me about it and so effortlessly and causually reminds me of who I am and what I know about me. She helps me remember how well I have managed and handled really hard things, harder than this. She does not think I will break as big. I needed this vote of confidence. I did not know that I needed it, but I did. I am so glad to have her. I thank her for knowing and understanding me. I thank her for once again being there for me. She reassures me that she is not going anywhere. I don't know if I entirely trust that and I tell her that. She tells me that's okay and she'll still keep being here for me...

It's very nice to have a Dr. She. Which reminds me of what I am trying to do. 

And I am finding my way. 

Solving and Starving

 Trying to solve has definitely helped. I will admit though it is a bit sad to me how that is resulting in my brain heart and body recognizing and accepting that my once imperfectly perfect and beautifully brilliant Dr. P is nothing more than a cowardly little discriminatory weasel likely more similar to my insecure lying professor who finds satisfaction in exerting his authority, dominance, and power over the week, injured, or those who dare to ask questions... 

It is good that I am becoming free of Dr. He and the delusions that were fed by denial and gaslighting when I was already lit up, but it is also sad. I am sad for Dr. P mostly, that he is so much less than I believed him to be and such a injured coward that he had to keep those delusions alive anyway he could to stroke his own ego and hide how truly small and broken he is. He did so very much at my expense and to my detriment. He first tried to keep me in an unstable place and then tried to make it appear that my unstable place was nothing more than an obsession with him... So sad and too bad that he was and likely still is incapable of seeing what I really am and how reconciling with who and what I really am would be so much more flattering to him. 

I see, in what I read, in the research but especially in the representation of psychologist and similarly trained professionals, just how disappointing he really is. Forms of transference that are helping to destroy the delusions that, first, my love and trust and then my mania had built of him. 

Rather unrelated, other than this is what has become of me, now I want to write about a dream I had last night.

In this dream there was a large gathering of people I knew, family, friends, acquaintances of all kinds, and some faces I did not know. Their was a large, lavish and glorious spread of food. I must have been late or I had been distracted in conversation because most had finished eating at that point. I was instructed to go get some food before they started cleaning up. But every time I tried to get food the plate would be taken as soon as I turned away by someone who was cleaning up or packing up. Each time I would be instructed and even helped to get new food but then someone would unintentionally knock it out of my hand, or the plate, too small and thin would not hold the food, or again someone would take the plate when I put it down and looked or stepped away, like to get a utensil or a drink or another tiny plate because I was starving and I wanted to get enough food before it all got cleaned up. I was so hungry and the food so beautiful and delicious but I could never even get a bite before it was taken again. At one point, when the food was spilled, I was ready to salvage what I could but an aunt or someone would not allow me to eat the spilled food and kindly cleaned while directing me to get appropriate food because there was plenty. And there was plenty, but before I could reach the next table the food was swiftly packed and taken away. I pleaded as they walked out, but too far gone into the process of packing, they ignored my pleas... I needed nourishment. People were pseudo-trying to help but too busy and caught up in clean up to realize that they were the ones taking it away form me before I ever could even take a bite. I was hungry and helpless and ignored by people I knew and cared about while insane amounts of food were being taken and denied me. I tried heaping quicker which must have offended as the plate now looked messy and unfit for consumption so someone would promptly dispose of it before I could eat any ... And I just kept getting hungrier and hungrier. 

... And even before I fully woke I think I knew this dream represents how life now feels for me in the waking hours. I keep trying to get the social nourishment I need and to enjoy both the fanfare and the camaraderie, but they are all to busy, or I arrived to late, and my needs are not their priority... So then getting my needs met starts to feel like I have to fight... and, something like in the dream; in life I metaphorically can't get any food and as I become hungrier and hungrier, the food is becoming more an more scarce... and though I become less and less picky, others are picky for me but fail to see that their pickiness just cost me another opportunity to eat. 

How on earth am I ever going to get anything to eat? I'm starving now, and everyone has cleaned up and gone home, ...and I am left alone in a big empty room with no food, no friends, no family, and no idea of where to go from here and how to get food. I used to know... But I'm lost now in this big empty space. 

Semmelweis the Outlier.

I am learning a whole lot in my psychology classes and yet there is not much that is all that new or surprising. But it is organized and the vocabulary is new. So I hope this helps me better structure and organize my thinking. 

Today in PSY 1010 I am reading about memory. It is very interesting especially considering my experience. My professor has a weekly zoom open forum discussion for us. This week I brought up some of the connections I made. I told him about the memory of the straight jacket. He doubts I was in one, claims they have not been used for decades. It was decades ago and another student chimed in to defend because she had one used on her as a child by a dentist. She was fully conscious so her memory is harder to question. Professor still doubts. I brought up some other notices and wonders that I have ...and history repeats. He calls me an anomaly, other times it feels that he is implying I am liar. Thing is, I have never been a very good liar, it's not something I like or want to do, and it does not feel good to me. Yet, somehow, I continue to get myself into trouble for being too honest... 

Concurrently in PSY 3500 we were assigned to read two stories from a book called The Century of the Surgeon, by Jurgen Thorwald. The first story was called "Invisible Assassins" and it was about Joseph Lister; with some coverage of Louis Pasteur.  The second story called "Dirty Hands" was about Ignaz Phillip Semmelweis, the doctor who -through diligence and persistence- discovered that childbed fever was  being spread among patients because surgeons were not washing their hands and equipment. The stories were told in story narrative, the author acting as a character in the story. However, they were not just about the research and discoveries in preventing infection and the spreading of it, they were also about the way the physicians and scientists were treated and the resistance and opposition they faced in trying to spread the news of their discoveries. Semmelweiss was first called crazy and then he was driven to crazy as he fought to protect and save lives...

"They were pioneers"

is what we say now. But they were not seen as that then. They were seen as disruptors, and their truths were likely called anomalies and even lies. They were outliers. Outliers because they cared enough to change their methods and their minds. Outliers because they cared about their patients. Outliers because they valued human life and they would not allow themselves to be comfortable with casualties. 

In "Dirty Hands" page 229, it says "This acceptance of child fever as a thing inexorably fated was an attitude Semmelweiss had naturally absorbed from his teacher-until he himself came face to face with it."  

Face to face

where do you or would you stand?

... Coincidentally at my last appointment with Dr. She she told me I was an outlier and an anomaly...

I think I am getting tired of being an outlier and an anomaly and I do suspect that I am not nearly as much of one as those medical and psychological professional think I am... Or I am but it doesn't need to be that way. 

Rather I suspect I know somethings and I am worth listening to. 

Now back to what I am reading in my PSY 1010 textbook: Retrieval cues.

Like priming: "the activation, often unconsciously, of particular association memories." This is like product placement and strategically placed inspirational poster. It's also the trick: "what color is snow? what color are clouds? what do cows drink?" (hint: they do not drink milk, which is white and what people often say). I think of some things in Dr. He's office. The book of Tao, that was there in the beginning but not at the end. The picture on his wall. And I think of some things he said, like a couple of examples he shared about his kids... that were rather intimate. Priming? 

Then there are context-dependent memories and state-dependent memories... State-dependent memories: "what we learn in one state...may be more easily remembered again in that state." Apparently this can even apply to drunk and sober. ...But I start to feel rather emotional as I continue reading. 

Called and/or implied that I am a liar... And yet it is all right there, in my textbook. I can make connections that I am not sure others can make. Like how Semmelweiss, Lister, and Pasteur were all, even themselves, resistant to believe what they were seeing. They did not want to fight against the others. There were subtleties in the story that suggest they also followed and/or wanted to follow what was popularly believed and/or widely accepted. I suspect if Semmelweiss was not experiencing this he would have figured out the answer to what was costing so many lives a lot sooner. For awhile, the more determined he was to solve the problem the more patients he lost. For a long time he knew he was somehow responsible but he could not figure out why or how to stop it.

I wanted to believe my misdiagnoser's... but to do so was certain death. And I was just a casualty to them. My professor who called me an anomaly and then I read right in my textbook what I was trying to explain to him and what I have tried to explain so many times: "it was if I had some sort of muscle memory and my brain new how to handle it," and "I kept trying to tell them 'I think I am manifesting better than I am'" when I had a TBI that kept being labeled as a concussion.  State-dependent memory... I remembered more than I knew. My body did know how to handle it. 

And I know things that can help people. That can save lives. And I am begging to be heard... because I am outlier... that cares. 

When I suggested the idea that studying the outliers in psychological and medical studies might help us better understand and improve treatments, Professor of PSY 3500 rejected the idea. 

...I am tired today. And extra tremor-y. I have fumbled in both pathetic and unsettling ways. The worst I ever have. It is kind of sad and disturbing. I took an extra half of Adderall- the second 15 mg I am expected to take, but rarely do. I wondered if that might be why... But then I remembered that I forgot to take my Seroguel last night. I remembered around midnight. Which then made sense why I was so awake. But then I was faced with a dilemma, because I was scheduled to meet with a student at 9am. If I took my meds then I would have a terrible time waking up... Should I take the 50 instant release and skip the 200 extended, vice-versa, or some other variation. I did not dare skip it entirely ... I opted for 100 ER and 50 RR. It was very difficult getting up. I definitely did not get as much sleep as I need. Aaahhh and there it is. The likely culprit for my tears about state-dependent memories.

And I wanted so badly to discuss in class the significant number of things we could learn from Semmelweiss in regards to mental health. He as a great and misunderstood man who ultimately, sacrificed himself fighting to save lives from such pointless deaths. He was criticized, fired, ostracized, and treated in all the right ways for the perpetuation of insanity all for trying to stop the pointless perpetuation of death from the spreading of illness due to unwashed hands. I have great respect and regard for him. 

And maybe mental illness is contagious after all. Or maybe it can be caused and spread by others. 

Either way, I do know that we are not immune to how we are treated by others. 

...and likewise, as the story of Gustav Adolf Michaelis illustrates, neither are we immune to how we treat others. He was a good man who actually adopted Semmelweiss's hand washing policies, but succumbed to suicide because he felt personally responsible for the women that died as a result of how he treated them. 

The countertransference trap

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo

"Please don't close the door completely or I'll just keep coming back trying to knock it down"... I forgot that I had said this.

The song I linked to above says this at one point: "I was alone the whole time" and it starts me thinking...

You were taking from me.

I was there for you

When I needed you there for me.

I thought that you were.

...but was I alone the whole time?

You told me I could keep you in my heart 

then suggested I let it burn out

because that is what you intended to do. 

"Please don't close the door on me completely" I begged

"I'll never have anything to do with you"

you said

and only because you could see yourself loving me?

The one thing I needed most at that precise moment in life...

The door now shut so tight

every day I have to fight

trying to keep my heart from burning out 

trying to keep my mind from following you 

through the door I am forbidden through,

Desperate to collect the shattered pieces of me 

scattered in your territory

that you refuse to see

and will not allow me back to collect

my stolen pieces you neglect. 

Shiny pieces illuminating the pedestal you refuse to come down from

Neglected pieces kept selfishly

for nothing more than flattery. 

Pieces of me that I need

Kept captive in forbidden phenomena 

of confounding connections...

You may keep the flattery 

but please stop the fallacious fantasy, 

and free me from your forgotten fortress

by having something to do with me

In reality.

The Push Crash Cycle

 So my previous providers, though infamous, had some things quite correct and put them forth in simple enough terms that it was very helpful (...they showed so much promise for helping TBI survivors. This is why it is so hard for me to give up my hope that they are not as bad, when they make a mistake, as they keep proving to be ...) 

One of the phenomena that they had right and that was and remains incredibly helpful, is their explanation and guidance on the push crash cycle. They wanted me to be careful to avoid the push crash cycle, a very common problem for people TBI and concussion that inevitably leads to slower healing and/or more permanent or progressive damage. (crazy how while they were the ones to teach about this it ended up being the problem they later would hypocritically exacerbate by first triggering and then denying the ultimate push crash cycle of mania and its associated bipolar effects... sheesh) 

Back to it. 

Push crash, every person has the potential to find themselves in this sort of cycle. I think high school and college students are especially vulnerable because so much is expected of them. They are supposed to have perfect grades, the highest of test scores, be involved in extracurricular activities AND massive amounts of community service while also holding a job at some point just so they can get into college and have any chance at any financial assistance. It's insane what is expected of these kids. So they often push and then crash. Sometimes we call it senior-itis. Others do this with their jobs and for athletes this might as well be the athletes code; push until you crash. It reminds me of the motto of my high school cross-country track team: "Run 'til you hurl!" We adopted this motto to both honor those who had, to motivate us to push harder, and to make light of it as well. Even though I was ranked number one on our girls team I never could push myself that hard and I don't think that is a bad thing. 

But now, the push crash cycle.... it's way to easy to push myself too hard and I am fairly confident that is linked to the TBI. 

This morning, at 4am, I tried to get up to respond to a new friend in Australia who is also a survivor of therapist countertransference that was not handled by the therapist and/or the institution he worked at well. 

I wanted to get to a different room to take a phone call so as not to disturb my husbands sleep. Using my crutches I started to head out of our bedroom.  I was tired and heavy and a stabbing burning pain decided to visit the leg of my recently repaired hip, but this phone call and the person on the other end were important to me... I got out the bedroom door and turned to go down the stairs.. But that was as far as I could push before I came crashing all the way down to the floor. Everything in me dropped and I lost control of my muscles. I didn't entirely faint and was able to go down to the side of my good leg landing me in a way that only my head dangled over the first step as I laid their disoriented trying to figure out what my body was doing. 

This woke my husband - which was what I had been trying to avoid. He came out and helped me out of my very peculiar position but I had to stay in my partially sitting position with my head and shoulders only slightly against the wall until the intense nausea subsided enough that I could scoot myself back into my room where my husband could help me back up to my bed. I was flush and in a cold sweat.

I had pushed too hard and it resulted in a very literal crash. Sigh

But what about the friend? Was I able to talk to her? Actually, at that exact same moment in time on the other side of the world, my sweet friend had a brick come crashing through her window... so she was not able to talk either. She had to call the police while I had to call my husband instead. 

What a bizarre coincidence of two troublesome crashes. 

The Pen.

Time is ticking. I am getting close. Today I actually called DOPL. I have been on the website and started filing a few times. 

At first I could not because I could not psychologically handle being invalidated to the next level. Knowing they held all the cards and the power and that they are the ones paying the the bills through their licensing fees I did not trust anyone would actually be looking out for me. Again. 

And that was too much for my fragile mental state. 

Now, I am strong. And that is not my concern. I know that if nothing happens it is because they are massively successful liars and deceivers and/or there is yet another deceptive and corrupt system that does not actually work for the people it is claiming to serve and help, but rather it works for money and follows the same patterns of corruption, ego, and good-ol'-boy favoritism. If nothing happens, maybe I will be satisfied that I did all that I could or maybe I will take the fight even farther, fueling the fire of determination to speak out and stand up. 

I don't know... But it is looking to be what has to be done since all attempts to be treated fairly and with dignity, to reconcile and to be heard have been ignored. They refuse to acknowledge fault and have faulted me in very bad ways for their mistakes. Blaming, shaming, ostracizing.. So reporting is what I have to do. I have to to stand up for myself. I even have to to protect myself from their false accusations and threats. 

So why has it taken me so long? Why even still am I slightly reluctant?

Because I still hope... I want them to be what I once believed them to be and I would so much rather help them become that then have to report that they are as bad as they are and have been. 

I met this amazing girl at the BIAU conference yesterday. She was going by Jamie Mocrazy there. She used to be an amazing professional skier until she under-rotated on a big-air trick and caught an edge on the landing. She hit so hard her brain was bleeding in 8 different spots. She was in a coma for awhile, then could not speak English (her native language) for awhile, and was even partially paralyzed for awhile. But even with all of those things happening to her body, she did not want to believe she was sick or injured. She told the story of being in the hospital, not allowed to go home because she kept telling them she was in a movie about hospitals or she was in a hospital movie. 

She said when they asked why she thought that she would say, "because hospitals are for old people, sick people and injured people, and I am not any of those. And whenever you give me those shots in my legs I don't feel anything so I know they are not real. So I must be in a movie about hospitals." I loved how she told the story and I highly recommend finding her inspirational story, but my point here: some of us just have a hard time accepting the reality of our tragedy and we want to believe we are fine. 

And I am not all that different than those friends and family members who can't quite handle believing that our medical providers and institutions, our legal systems etc are really as bad as they really have been. I too want to believe that they would never hide, neglect, deceive and even victimize one of their patients. I also want to believe that they would work to honestly correct their mistakes and protect the patient. I want to believe in the good in them, not the truths of what happened that needs to be fixed but they refuse to even discuss. Every step in this process is a heartbreak and hope increasingly lost. But it is also a step towards my freedom and hope of a new kind. It is a step in a direction that is more likely to be beneficial to others than what I know to be true about how the Neuroscience Institute treats and mistreat people.

I have to keep moving and my direction ...the silence is dictating.  

Dear Jon.... 

time is running out. If you are a victim of circumstance trapped in a web of lies you never really meant to create, then please, please let us have a conversation. Let me help you before you burn yourself down by trying to burn me out. 

... I understand if it really was countertransference the reasons for it and what it really was. I understand the perceptions and judgements you face in admitting it. I understand the taboos you were facing and why may have wanted to let me believe things to be more than they were. I understand why this might lead you to behave unethically and unjustly towards me. I understand why you would be embarrassed and ashamed of me or by me. I understand the stigma's and prejudice, even the [irrational] fear of repercussion.  I understand that the problem(s) is(are) much bigger than you or I.

I can understand. 

However, your actions are not justifiable nor are they excusable. I am not a bad guy nor should I have ever been treated as such. And you really did nearly cost me my life by dismissing and denying the mania. 

I also know that the things you said, the way I was handled when I was trying to protect you, and then the continuation with the perpetuation of harm, never willing to allow for clarification, thus confirming and affirming the things you said that were manipulative, deviant, and/or careless; those thing that were destroying any chance for my brain to recover from the delusions of mania and the reality of my TBI that your institution never did an MRI to discover.... (the MRI's were done 12/19 at an IHC clinic, check them yourself)

These things need to be addressed. They need to be talked about. 

In my experience with you many significant problems within the medical industry and the fields of psychology came out. Problems that need to be brought to light, are coming to light and that need to be addressed. Problems that are causing significant harm to other people all over the world. 

Yet they are all problems that can be fixed and they are all problems that you and I working together could be a powerful force of positive changes in... You have to know this. If your mistakes with me were in anyway innocent, you know the power I am speaking of, and the likely reason for the magnitude of transference and countertransference that was experienced. I really did need you since I was 12. My existence validated you and your career in ways I doubt you fully understand and I think at that point in your life you needed that validation. And if you would let me help you that validation could take you a whole lot farther... Do you really see no potential? I know what you said was not true, or at least is not any longer. I've been on both sides of sanity and I know I really do understand the reality. Do you? Will you continue to deny it? 

 ...Time is running out, but I will not burn out. I am not what you tried to turn me into nor am I what you depicted me to be to others. 

Instead, I am worth being honest and fair with. I am worth saving and I am worth hearing, and I am worth standing up for and fighting for. And I am going to keep doing that. 

But I also believe that you are worth standing up for and fighting for too. Not the you that you only allowed me to see, and not the you that you turned into towards me, but the you that I knew, the you that I saw through to, and the you that I know you are capable of being. That you, I will fight for, even if -and maybe especially if- that means fighting against the you that caused harm, then perpetuated harm and created the web lies you are now all tangled up in. 

Which person will you be?

Sincerely,

Erica

...Too bad he is not likely to read this. If any reader of this would like to send it to him, you may and I hope that someone will

The Applied Math of Psychology

Countertransference in therapy. 

The following is the last learning objective listed from an APA approved course on counter transference for therapists. (see link below)"Discuss strategies to avoid unethical and/or unlawful practice regarding transference and countertransference love." 

Here's an idea: Lets include the other side of this equation in the conversation.

That is, after all, how you keep an equation balanced. What you do to one side you have to do to the other. If I subtract 10 from one side I must also subtract 10 from the other. Both sides have to keep their communication with the other open until the equation is solved for the intended solution. Otherwise very big problems can occur due to the faulty math.

Just imagine if engineers and even medical doctors ignored these basic fundamental laws of math? Bridges would not stand and medications would be administered carelessly in ways that could result in terrifying consequences.

No wonder I went manic. The equation was out of balance and all the powers to "solve" were extremely disproportionate... like maniacally disproportionate.  My body was simply trying to balance out the equation I had become a part of. 

Now there's a theory therapists might want to try applying to their practice. 

https://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course084.php

From the above mentioned course for therapists, I find this information particularly interesting: 

"Body Language, Complex Movement, and Somatization

Other well-documented manifestations of transference love are body language or simple movement, complex movement, and somatization. They are universal, transcultural means by which the unconscious mind of one person speaks to its conscious mind as well as to the unconscious mind of another person through the body. Indeed, “the basic units of experience are [not words but] bodily interactions between self and others” (Fast, 1992, 449). The bodily action of both clients and therapists contains key information about what they are trying to convey to each other (Scaer, 2005). Details of posture, gaze, changes in skin color, and even respiration are noticed and unconsciously recorded by both therapy participants (Meares, 2005).

Moreover, because the body cannot lie, it is the richest, most accurate source of truth about what is going on in the present and what aspects of the past have been embodied in memories. The body has an uncanny “ability to tune in to the psyche: to listen to its subtle voice, hear its silent music and search into its darkness of meaning” (Mathew, 1998, 185). It has the ability to do so and seemingly cannot resist doing so." (Schauffer, 2019)

flashback: I could hardly look at him as I played the song intended to help me explain my transference affection for him.  When I did, I noticed he was rubbing his right eye with his right middle finger... an "f* you for making me feel this way" I wondered. Latter in my reoccurring dreams and memories my heart burned as my returning adulthood drew another possible conclusion from this body language... 

Too Bias or Not Too Bias? That is [the variable to] the question.

 Biases are funny. We all have them and they are impossible to avoid but somehow too often we think we are free from them as we try to help others see their own.

I got to meet with my professor, via phone conference, which I hate because I can hear the exacerbated sighs but I cannot see the facial expressions or read the body language to know if they are as exacerbated as they sound or even more exacerbated than they sound. 

It all went about how I thought it would. I overwhelm people. I have too much too soon and I care too much about it. Which is a "problem" in science, because it is perceived as a bias... and it probably is. But here are some things I picked up on:

As I was giving background story my professor pretty quickly labeled the previous therapist as "just a creep" a statement that followed, "was it countertransference or was he..." Professor offered his opinion: he does not think it was countertransference, he does not think the therapist had developed feelings for me. 

Now I sense a bias. Is it against the therapist or is it against me? Or both?

He makes comments about how the client is ostracized and blamed and shamed, so he picked up on that; this part of the conversation was when we were speaking about the generalized problem. But then at one point he makes a comment about how it takes two to tango, and this when the focus had gotten a little more specific to me again. Well, good thing no tango-ing took place. But is this a bias or did I say something that acknowledged patients taking responsibility that he may be reflecting back... Yet it feels like there is a bias, similar to those I read in the research articles and comments on Quora that say it is not the clients fault and they should not be blamed but then proceeds with subtly and not so subtly blaming, shaming and ostracizing them?.. what is really happening here?

...He compares it to sexual harassment and to the #me too Movement, yes. But I can't quite explain that maybe it is not a good guy bad guy scenario, rather maybe the problem is in the rules and regulations, and taboo nature in which the problems are being handled. The hole and the flaw in the middle that is kind of being talked about but is not being very well addressed in regards to how the handling of such situations effects the client. 

But mostly I have too much I want to solve and I am struggling with figuring out where to start... how to break it into manageable chunks and steps that might actually constructively help people. 

My professors is concerned that the topic is to personal for me to be objective about and thus may not be a good topic for me... But it just does not make sense to me at all to choose a topic that isn't important to me. Could I be objective? sure... But also being objective is what has helped me through that mess. ...and it likely hurt me too, in trying to be fair and not wanting to cause any harm... So objectivity, it's a double edged sword. And the lack of concern or personal experience with a situation, I doubt leads to better or more objectivity, rather a person probably just has different and likely less noticeable, but still present, biases about the topic. ...and, really, which is better? A bias that is easily recognizable, identifiable and distinguishable or a bias that is not so easy to spot by the objective observer who cares little about spotting it and does not have enough experience with the topic to recognize it or where it is coming from?

And isn't it funny how, in the malpracticing of me, the attempts to maintain and restore objectivity were not reciprocated by those who have supposedly been trained to do that and that are supposedly governed by ethics on the topic?... 

Is that where I start? By questioning the ethics?

I don't know... I suppose it makes some sense that Dr. He told me not to try and solve this... There are far too many problems to solve.... but is it a good idea for me to unbias myself in this situation??? maybe the start or end is about when bias is necessary?... blah... this is not helping anymore. Time to write on paper and see if I can whittle down my ideas and ideals into a workable research topic for a class that is not an all encompassing end all. 

4:00pm...and really it is just too bad that I have become so entirely socially inept. It is really causing problems for me and I don't know how to find my way back, which just further isolates, which leads to increased social retardation. Such a vicious cycle. I know what I need, friends and/or regular social interactions. Yet I can't meet that need and the harder I try the worse off I am... but I can tell you here, my invisible friends.

4:30pm..and as I persevere, determined to do what I can... I want to curse... because I am to damn connected to this topic...

So I think to change my topic to TBI stuff... and damnit, that feels even worse, because in that arena there is really no valid or justifiable reason that I was mistreated and ostracized and that literature can be even harder to handle emotionally, can feel just as, if not more, hopeless. AND I risk stumbling across research that is written by the misdiagnosers themselves. 

How about mania? That one is fascinating. Like why the hell did I go manic, what is physiologically happening to the body and stuff like that... but again, painful, and actually solved pretty quick when the correlation was established to the exact damaged regions in my brain... 

maybe I'll just research how video games effect test performance ...insert green faced puking emoji!

... maybe I'll go back to being an artist and keep painting instead. 

9:00pm And I'm back again... after conversation with the man (the one that I am married to). Talking through some of what I feel and listening to his feedback. I know I am expecting too much of myself. Maybe trying too hard to fix what cannot be fixed... Knowing it cannot be fixed for me, I want to at least try and fix it for others. Maybe I am simply trying to attach meaning to my suffering. Maybe I am trying to end my suffering by trying to relieve the suffering of others. 

hmm. that's not such a bad thing. I think that is a better way to end suffering than to heed the voices that suggest I end it by ending me or sacrificing myself for the gods of IHC.  

And I am glad that my man reminded me, this is not my only shot and it does not need to make or break me. It's just a step. 

Though I walk through the valleys ...

 I feel a bit discouraged... the mountain I intend to climb scoffs at me and reminds me of all my deficiencies while concurrently flaunting all it's majestic glory. It points out how ill equipped I am to attempt the climb.  No matter that I have climbed more rugged and less refined mountains alone. I do not have the refined gear this prestigious mountain believes I need. 

So I think I will come onto this her blog and pretend that I have an endearing fan base that values me in some way. That's positive right? Or is it delusional?

And somehow I have to keep convincing myself that eventually someday, someone will actually give me a chance. Will actually listen and I will make a difference in the ways other tender little people hope I will and I know I could if only those in power would give me a chance. Or if only I could figure out how to build a big a enough of a following that I could reach more people... 

...perhaps I am losing sight of what is truly important; the little things and the the people that I can help in small ways in small moments whenever the situations arise... 

I think I would be more satisfied with that if I had a better established support network, because I get awful lonely in this isolated world of mine. 

Now to why it can be such an isolating world and why I may not be satisfied with the little things; it is stuff like this this little gem (sarcasm should be obvious) of an article I came across in my researching for school: 

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/breaking-hard-do-terminating-therapy-things-get-out-hand

I am real reluctant to read any of the works this article cited. 

I am absolutely blown away at how flagrantly bias this article is. How condescending, degrading and offensive it is to pretty much any person who has ever been to a therapist or who has had any kind of behavioral or mental health issues. 

I will be honest I could not read the thing in it's complete entirety, I had to skim through some, because it seems to generalize the absolute worst onto the client and is so degrading to the client position while the air of nobility of the therapist is ever prevalent even in the critique of some pretty horrific traits they might posses. It also strongly alludes to the therapist being something of the victim and a prey to the client. And while I am sure these anecdotes apply at times I am very doubtful it is as prevalent as this article seems to want the reader to believe it is.

And it is especially disturbing and bothersome to me because this bullshit affirms my suspicions and it is easy to see why I would have been treated the way I was if this is the meat of what the literature and expectations in scenarios of termination and countertransference looks like. This article is by far the worst I have read but the subtle and not so subtle undertones of protect the therapist, blame the client, the clients voice is what the therapists determines it to be, and the therapist is always right and ethical, are common in the literature on countertransference. They all have such noble ambitions. Most peer review articles I have read do not address the termination but rather just leaves the reader hanging offering no solutions on what to do if the boundaries are blurred by the therapist and it harms the client.... 

Now my TBI side of me wants to curse and lash out. I'm trying to keep that in check because I really do want to scale that mountain... though I am questioning Why right now? 

Really...why on earth do I want to waste my time on an arrogant overly geared mountain that is reserved for elitists? 

...Because unlike the elitists whose eyes are only focused on the top, I have been dropped into some of the valleys, and I know what lies there. I can see in those valleys and perched on rugged isolated ledges the casualties of their carelessly cut ropes. I can see the excessive gear they have left and just how many people are still attached to those now abandoned routes, hanging on for dear life, and hoping to find a way up or down without having to jump. 

I want to climb their disastrous mountain to help free and guide those tender souls who are barely hanging on, confused and vulnerable, wondering what they hell they did wrong and what to do now, novices in gear climbing, abandoned and isolated on the same prestigious mountain only without proper gear, training, or guidance.  

Do I keep climbing? Feeling a sense of responsibility for these souls that I now see and understand the plight of?

sigh.... coming from so many disadvantages... in territory I honestly don't know how to navigate... because what I know how to do is disappoint. 

redirect. keep climbing. keep believing, even against all odds. because somehow, I can still love and accept my perfectly imperfect even if it was all just a lie... and take the risk for the sake of those I might be able to help off the ledges they have been abandoned on. 

AND there it is, the not-a-lie that I do know but that so many therapists still have not quite figured out. Change is slow, progress is slow, people are difficult and we make so many mistakes. We will fail a million times. We have underlying conditions. But we keep getting up and we keep persevering. and if we have just a little help, a little support, a little faith placed in us and something more, we are capable of changing. We are capable of healing. We are capable of contributing in very rich and valuable ways. But we do need others. And really, the therapists hardest job is not all that hard at all, they just might be as stubborn and narrow-minded as the clients they label as such, because really all they have to do, is keep believing in their patient/client even when they don't believe in themselves. Just keep believing in them. Be fair and trust them to eventually turn it around and eventually they will. 

maybe that is an overgeneralization, 

but I think I would rather live that way

 and I have all sorts of anecdotal evidence to support that theory over the opposite. 

What we focus on we get more of and people will often live up to your expectations, so what do you expect from them?

turning myself around and keeping my feet on the ground, Hi ho, hi ho, its back to work I go. 

Enjoy this listen to (it's way less pretentious than Hilliard and Gutheil):

Gangstas Paradise

Good Night Good Morning

 4:47 am... Not asleep. After lying wide awake for some time I decided to work on school instead. I have been awake since at least 3 am.

Though a touch concerned, I am not terribly surprised, especially after the experiences of the previous day as discussed in my previous blog entry. 

And I took the opioid just before bed, because the nurse suggested I do. Also, I was a bit nervous because, unlike the ankle, I am actually feeling pain this time, even before the nerve block has worn off. 

But alas, though I am not feeling the pushing-into-happy-high manic-like stuff, the way I did when I was unstable and not properly medicated (or diagnosed) with the ankle surgery, I think I will try to avoid those drugs again.

And while I still feel more awake than I'd like, I hope turning off this screen I might help me fall asleep again since I am at least a little more tired. 

So good night good morning. 

Surgery, What a Rush!

I had this kind of fun today

and now I have one of these! Yay

Waking up from surgery was really weird this time. They did not put whatever happy drugs into my IV as the ankle doctors did. That was a happy fun waking up.

This time I was so shaky and not because I was cold. My emotions were unstable. I needed to know everything. I tried to relax my mind but it was misfiring all over the place and I 'd shake and cry...

But the interesting and kind of cool thing was I knew exactly why. 

"my right prefrontal cortex is damaged and that's what is happening" I told the nurse. 

"My Autonomic Nervous System is all out of whack and firing fight flight signals." I ask her if it is normal for people to get shaky like this. She says it is. But I know something about this is not normal or okay. It is uncontrollable and I feel like my body is experiencing a form of shock. I am telling the nurse what the prefrontal cortex does and why my reactions are related to that. 

And even though I have a spinal block I can feel that my very low damaged disk in my back is unhappy. It usually gets that way if I lie flat on my back for too long.  The nurse leaves for a moment. I have to adjust my body position to settle that disk, knowing that could help settle some of the nervous system stuff that is firing like crazy.

When the nurse returns she tells me I need to get back on my back and she helps me do that but also makes sure I have a pillow to support and she adjusts my bed to sit me up more. 

I tell the nurse my brain is not handling this well and that we need to get it to settle down. The crying and shaking is out of control and it is scary. I try to calm it, and while that works on my psyche it just seems to send new shock waves through my physiological systems. I need something to calm it. My impulse control and mouth not up to par, I actually tell her this mess of my body is due to "jackass Dr. He" and "stupid Dr. Concussion" I feel this because they potentially caused more harm to the locations of my damaged brain by ignoring and denying what was happening and thus perpetually feeding these very responses, things similar to what is happening now; a broken system that is struggling to regulate, especially under stress. And they kept it going for far too long...* (see end note)  I think I may have used the "f" word once or twice. But at least I did not rip out any IV's or try to get out of bed. 

 Nice Nurse gives me some sort of sedative, maybe Diprivan. She starts with a half dose. But has me take the second half about 10-15 minutes later as my bodies response is starting to look more and more like shock or a full blown panic attack. I keep asking questions. She tells me she will go over it later because I won't remember now.  

But I remember. Second dose in, she allows me time to settle. The medication starts to work it's magic and my body and emotions start to come back to center. I'm leveling and when she thought I was sleeping, I was mostly not. I was settling and allowing the medication to work and allowing my body to settle. Your brain is part of your body too. 

These mind altering medications are absolutely fascinating. And this was another rather fascinating experience. 

I tell the nurse, "I really should be a case study."

I am not in a drugged like state after the medication. I am not sedated. I am simply settled, and back to the more accurate version of me. I am stable again and my nervous systems are settled. My mind is able to work in a calm and rational way again. 

Home now, my husband observes once again, "You are so alert and fine." After both of his surgeries he was groggy and out of it. For days.

I don't seem to work that way. Even after giving birth to my two kids I was like, "okay, when can I go home," while my husband was wiped out- asleep in my hospital bed with the baby.

I am guessing I will get tired and my emotions will start to get to me again. But this little incident, so heightened and bizarre, yet I knew what was happening, I was able to identify it, communicate it, and I knew what I needed. The medication, amazing, brought me back to level rather quickly. Not sedated, but level.

I am so grateful for a nurse that listened and cared. 

...I suppose it is not too surprising to find out that she has a daughter that suffered a stroke at age 18 and has endured some similar effects due to the lasting effects of the damage it caused. 

...So once again, this is why I talk about it. :)

*A little later I ask her to send a report of this to the Neuroscience Institute, even though I know it is highly unlikely she will. But I want her to because of how it correlates with what I had tried to tell them and even with their own research -which according to them somehow did not apply to me, probably because they had opted to make me taboo instead.

Another note on this: while I am certain many may think, and I do to, "just get over it, quite tying it back to them."  I sometimes can and I sometimes do, however, I live with the realities they denied everyday. I live with the rejection from the one place in the world where I really do belong and really could be a valuable asset. While I know, "the one place in the world" is not entirely true -there are others- they have actually done enough harm and sufficiently tainted my name and my records enough that I am now, something like blacklisted by other institutions and organizations that could otherwise easily be home to me. 

The lady from the BIAU conference last year, -the one who claimed my attempts to converse with her, in ways that could help me understand were unethical- she is on the board. My attempts at conversation with her were not unethical, rather, to her, it was taboo. Which, we all know, is what is truly unethical. But no matter, she holds the power and all the cards and I am irrationally "unsafe" to her and the off vibes I have caught from others who have connections to her, my intuition suggests are related. I could be wrong, and I keep trying. But over the years I have gotten rather good at knowing when people are talking about me behind my back

... And I can tell you, it sure makes them uncomfortable when you try to address it directly with them. Which to me seems most reasonable, logical, and mature. But somehow, even if you think you have it cleared up, very often you don't. They even like to use the fact that you brought it up to further fuel fires... sheesh, I thought we were supposed to move past this kind of communication after junior and high school... but even the most elite among us can't handle it, heck they may even be the worst at it.. Or is it just doctors and educators? The most schooled among us. hmmm...That actually makes some sense since elementary and secondary schools seems to be where these problems would mostly lie and are rather developmentally appropriate,  and most teachers go straight from high school into college, coming from highly flawed systems which they were successful in. Thus, they are very likely to repeat the same patterns. While doctors also usually go straight from high school to college and then stay in these education systems for many years being educated by educators who have never actually survived outside of these systems...

hmmm...