Lately my husband has been playing Mike Rowe's That's the Way I Heard It podcasts whenever we go on a long drive. These short stories have been fun, interesting, and educational to listen to. I have learned about many people that I might otherwise never have learned about. I like how Rowe credits and celebrates many significant contributors to our world but who got overlooked in the writing of history.
One of the stories that intrigued me was about a lady named Mya Angelou. I have heard the name but I didn't really know who she was so I did a quick google search. I find some quotes that I recognize.
Although Ms. Angelou is an amazing and significant person I am going to deviate from celebrating her and focus on one of the quotes she is famous for; a significant observation she made that can also be used to explain the problem with therapists being allowed to terminate and ignore highly vulnerable patients when they are entangled in transference and/or countertransference.
The quote:
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Mya Angelou
When a person is seeing any form of psychologist for any form of psychological therapy, one form of transference -that frequently occurs- is that of learning to love themselves through loving their therapist. Unconditional positive regard and the therapists mirroring techniques, such as reflective listening, are significant contributors to this form of transference. These trendy therapist utilized techniques are effective because of how they influence a persons feelings. For many people, this therapeutic environment is their safe place and often the one place in the world where they feel valued and appreciated. They may feel finally understood and cared for. They may feel compassion and even passion. They will also feel whatever the therapist reflects and projects. They may not fully understand it -they may not understand it all- but they will feel it.
When I was with Dr. He I felt it. I felt safe, understood, appreciated, valued, comfortable, and loved. My imperfect self was perfectly imperfect and I was noticed and significant. It felt good. And I felt good when I was with Dr. He.
But then, suddenly, when these good feelings were just starting to become more prevalent in my life away from Dr. He, he dropped me.
...And it hurt.
Bad.
It broke me. And then my feelings and physiology went haywire.
I was able to go back. That is when Dr. He implied a reciprocation of the profoundly intense and meaningful feelings I had for him; my feelings that may have mostly been meant for me but were still transferred onto him. The feelings triggered and feed by his confession, or manipulation, were even more intense and beautifully bizarre. A drug. Euphoric. A surreal nirvana I had obtained that directly correlated with this man.
"... people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
How he made me feel. That was where I was left.
And if you have ever reached it, you know too, that you never want to forget nirvana.
After it was determined that he could no longer be my therapist, he was determined to never have anything to do with me... Then I felt rejection and confusion. I felt the deep feelings of loss that made my heart physically hurt. I also felt the reality of my injuries and vulnerabilities that I was trying to figure out and understand but that were also being denied by the experts. I felt passion but also lonely despair. I felt "let it burn out" as instructions of what was supposed to happen to me and what I was supposed to do with me for his sake. I felt so many bizarre and profoundly painful things as I tried to get to the bottom of what was happening to me, my body, my chemistry, and my psychology. These tragic and painful feelings could arguably be attributed as also ways that Dr. He made me feel. But there is a huge problem: These harsh and painful feelings did not associate as well with him as the profoundly positive feelings did simply because the positive was felt in his presence while the negative directly correlated with the absence of his presence. I needed to feel the negative that was coming from him directly from him. I understood this and was fighting for it. But he would deny it which would further reinforce the profound feelings associated how I felt when I was with him that were still tied to him and further negate the unconditional positive regard that was supposed to be associated with me.
I also see this in my sweet friend who found me through my answers on Quora about countertransference. She actually had the chance to talk with her therapist after a traumatic ending to their therapeutic relationship. However she was blamed and shamed more than understood and helped. Thus the negative feelings were tied back to her while he, the therapist who was supposed to be the one having and giving unconditional positive regard, was given unconditional positive regard by her, the client. After this one meeting, she was then abandoned and expected, even threatened, to never speak to him again. It is very easy to see how this could so easily end in the emotional trap of not being able to forget positive feelings that were associated with him while the negative feelings she would tie back to her because they were felt in his absence and outright rejection of her.
Artificial unconditional positive regard then manifesting as the nastiest dagger-in-the-back it really is.
Is there a better solution? A better possible outcome?
Yes. There is.
How? I think the first things that need to happen are: Therapists need to follow through with unconditional positive regard when the conditions are tested. Therapist also need to be willing to, at very least, reciprocate the unconditional positive regard their client/patients have for them OR be willing to stop their ego and/or insecurities from sacrificing the client and the clients best interest to selfishly cling to the true unconditional positive regard the patient/client has for them by rejecting the client before the client might reject them.
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