Symptoms

 There is so much that comes into play. Suicide is not the problem nor the solution. It is a symptom. Sometimes it is a symptom of too many times misrepresented. Too many times used. Too many times ignored. Too many times treated as inferior. Too many times blatantly discriminated against. Too many times rejected and ostracized. 

Suicide is not going to decrease with the way we currently handle "mental illness," the way people treat another if they find out they have one of the problems that so often lead to suicide, and how we continue with so many ostracizing social norms and cultural practices. 

It is believed that antidepressants can increase the risk of suicide. I think it just might be the prejudice and discrimination one feels and cannot escape once one is diagnosed that increases the risk of suicide. There might be a correlation to the way others treat them and don't treat them that increases risk of suicide. 

Recently, I am struggling again. 

Struggling to keep those images out of my mind. 

Struggling to feel my life is of value and worth. 

It is a symptom. 

But this time it is not a symptom of my TBI or mania, or imbalanced chemistry. I am very balanced. It is a symptom of things like rejection, isolation, intolerance, bias, prejudice, bigotry, ignorance of others and their determination to make me wrong after they make a mistake, or because they are bias, and/or simply uncomfortable with my "condition." 

... I think I am strong. I think I am beyond it. But the continued hits, they hurt. And I am noticing that those images are coming a bit more frequently. 

And this might just be even more scary, because at least when I was unmedicated and imbalanced I knew that my brain was not entirely rational, I knew that my chemistry and body were off, and I could attribute it to the imbalance. Now it is the rational realization that those friends really don't care, those people whom I have loved, appreciated, stood up for and even defended, -medical providers, educators, police officers, friends, family members- do not feel the same regard for me. They would literally rather I not be around.

That symptom seems most dangerous. 

Dear Brazil Man (the one whose community assured me that he was perfectly safe, "just crazy"),

You are very lucky to live in a community that does not fear you because of your illness. You are very lucky that your community treats you with kind regard and even appreciation. 

Some of us are not so lucky and the harder we try to change and help implement change, the harder we try to help people understand that "crazy" people are not bad or scary, -that we can become self aware, understand, and learn how to treat and manage our condition much the same way people with so many other illnesses and conditions do,- the more rejected we are. Constantly having confirmed that we are considered inferior and of no value to our communities. 

I hope you are doing well Brazil Man. I hope you are still being treated with kindness, respect and dignity. I hope your community is well and strong in these trying times. I appreciate that you taught me what you did and I appreciate the hope you gave me. I hope that someday the communities and the cultures I live in will learn to be as beautiful as you and yours on that day you in your busy, bustling city. 

Sincerely,

Lonely

...

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away..."

"When this all blows over," she says, "I'm going to run away for awhile."