The Push Crash Cycle

 So my previous providers, though infamous, had some things quite correct and put them forth in simple enough terms that it was very helpful (...they showed so much promise for helping TBI survivors. This is why it is so hard for me to give up my hope that they are not as bad, when they make a mistake, as they keep proving to be ...) 

One of the phenomena that they had right and that was and remains incredibly helpful, is their explanation and guidance on the push crash cycle. They wanted me to be careful to avoid the push crash cycle, a very common problem for people TBI and concussion that inevitably leads to slower healing and/or more permanent or progressive damage. (crazy how while they were the ones to teach about this it ended up being the problem they later would hypocritically exacerbate by first triggering and then denying the ultimate push crash cycle of mania and its associated bipolar effects... sheesh) 

Back to it. 

Push crash, every person has the potential to find themselves in this sort of cycle. I think high school and college students are especially vulnerable because so much is expected of them. They are supposed to have perfect grades, the highest of test scores, be involved in extracurricular activities AND massive amounts of community service while also holding a job at some point just so they can get into college and have any chance at any financial assistance. It's insane what is expected of these kids. So they often push and then crash. Sometimes we call it senior-itis. Others do this with their jobs and for athletes this might as well be the athletes code; push until you crash. It reminds me of the motto of my high school cross-country track team: "Run 'til you hurl!" We adopted this motto to both honor those who had, to motivate us to push harder, and to make light of it as well. Even though I was ranked number one on our girls team I never could push myself that hard and I don't think that is a bad thing. 

But now, the push crash cycle.... it's way to easy to push myself too hard and I am fairly confident that is linked to the TBI. 

This morning, at 4am, I tried to get up to respond to a new friend in Australia who is also a survivor of therapist countertransference that was not handled by the therapist and/or the institution he worked at well. 

I wanted to get to a different room to take a phone call so as not to disturb my husbands sleep. Using my crutches I started to head out of our bedroom.  I was tired and heavy and a stabbing burning pain decided to visit the leg of my recently repaired hip, but this phone call and the person on the other end were important to me... I got out the bedroom door and turned to go down the stairs.. But that was as far as I could push before I came crashing all the way down to the floor. Everything in me dropped and I lost control of my muscles. I didn't entirely faint and was able to go down to the side of my good leg landing me in a way that only my head dangled over the first step as I laid their disoriented trying to figure out what my body was doing. 

This woke my husband - which was what I had been trying to avoid. He came out and helped me out of my very peculiar position but I had to stay in my partially sitting position with my head and shoulders only slightly against the wall until the intense nausea subsided enough that I could scoot myself back into my room where my husband could help me back up to my bed. I was flush and in a cold sweat.

I had pushed too hard and it resulted in a very literal crash. Sigh

But what about the friend? Was I able to talk to her? Actually, at that exact same moment in time on the other side of the world, my sweet friend had a brick come crashing through her window... so she was not able to talk either. She had to call the police while I had to call my husband instead. 

What a bizarre coincidence of two troublesome crashes.