Trying to solve has definitely helped. I will admit though it is a bit sad to me how that is resulting in my brain heart and body recognizing and accepting that my once imperfectly perfect and beautifully brilliant Dr. P is nothing more than a cowardly little discriminatory weasel likely more similar to my insecure lying professor who finds satisfaction in exerting his authority, dominance, and power over the week, injured, or those who dare to ask questions...
It is good that I am becoming free of Dr. He and the delusions that were fed by denial and gaslighting when I was already lit up, but it is also sad. I am sad for Dr. P mostly, that he is so much less than I believed him to be and such a injured coward that he had to keep those delusions alive anyway he could to stroke his own ego and hide how truly small and broken he is. He did so very much at my expense and to my detriment. He first tried to keep me in an unstable place and then tried to make it appear that my unstable place was nothing more than an obsession with him... So sad and too bad that he was and likely still is incapable of seeing what I really am and how reconciling with who and what I really am would be so much more flattering to him.
I see, in what I read, in the research but especially in the representation of psychologist and similarly trained professionals, just how disappointing he really is. Forms of transference that are helping to destroy the delusions that, first, my love and trust and then my mania had built of him.
Rather unrelated, other than this is what has become of me, now I want to write about a dream I had last night.
In this dream there was a large gathering of people I knew, family, friends, acquaintances of all kinds, and some faces I did not know. Their was a large, lavish and glorious spread of food. I must have been late or I had been distracted in conversation because most had finished eating at that point. I was instructed to go get some food before they started cleaning up. But every time I tried to get food the plate would be taken as soon as I turned away by someone who was cleaning up or packing up. Each time I would be instructed and even helped to get new food but then someone would unintentionally knock it out of my hand, or the plate, too small and thin would not hold the food, or again someone would take the plate when I put it down and looked or stepped away, like to get a utensil or a drink or another tiny plate because I was starving and I wanted to get enough food before it all got cleaned up. I was so hungry and the food so beautiful and delicious but I could never even get a bite before it was taken again. At one point, when the food was spilled, I was ready to salvage what I could but an aunt or someone would not allow me to eat the spilled food and kindly cleaned while directing me to get appropriate food because there was plenty. And there was plenty, but before I could reach the next table the food was swiftly packed and taken away. I pleaded as they walked out, but too far gone into the process of packing, they ignored my pleas... I needed nourishment. People were pseudo-trying to help but too busy and caught up in clean up to realize that they were the ones taking it away form me before I ever could even take a bite. I was hungry and helpless and ignored by people I knew and cared about while insane amounts of food were being taken and denied me. I tried heaping quicker which must have offended as the plate now looked messy and unfit for consumption so someone would promptly dispose of it before I could eat any ... And I just kept getting hungrier and hungrier.
... And even before I fully woke I think I knew this dream represents how life now feels for me in the waking hours. I keep trying to get the social nourishment I need and to enjoy both the fanfare and the camaraderie, but they are all to busy, or I arrived to late, and my needs are not their priority... So then getting my needs met starts to feel like I have to fight... and, something like in the dream; in life I metaphorically can't get any food and as I become hungrier and hungrier, the food is becoming more an more scarce... and though I become less and less picky, others are picky for me but fail to see that their pickiness just cost me another opportunity to eat.
How on earth am I ever going to get anything to eat? I'm starving now, and everyone has cleaned up and gone home, ...and I am left alone in a big empty room with no food, no friends, no family, and no idea of where to go from here and how to get food. I used to know... But I'm lost now in this big empty space.
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