I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
Friday, May 24, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
1+1=2 fixing me and you
Solving.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Equations for Chemistry
My drug of choice?
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
Keep upkeep
I'm in the midst of a very complex psychological web and I need people who can keep up. Most people will not be able to keep up. If you find yourself offended by that last statement then you are one of those. And yet more will be offended by that following statement and you now may be in that category of "can't keep up." But if you have found none of those statements to raise any suspicion you may also be unable to keep up with me as well. And by this point my own suspicion at my potential arrogance has offended myself so now I can no longer keep up with myself... which is actually probably more true than we believe is possible thus putting all offended and non offended parties that could not keep up back to square one so try to keep up and know that it only matters if you want it to. Besides I can't really keep up with myself half the time either.
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am... I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.
I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am... I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.
I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Facing Fears for Fun and Freedom
My son has been doing alliteration exercises in his English class. He thinks they are fun. That is one thing he and I have in common. I also adore alliterations, only my son likes to end them at two or three words and I am like, "you got a good thing going, don't stop there." ...or maybe I'm more like, "you gotta good groove going guy, lets give it even greater gusto!"
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
a well groomed coincidence
Here is something funny.
Today my physical therapist told me that I reminded him of a good friend of his.
He reminded me of how he had thought that the first time I came to physical therapy, only he hadn't told me that then. We talked about whether he had or had not. He thought he had told me this already because I guess I have reminded him of her quite a bit and we have had some very significant conversations, but he had not told me about this friend. Maybe he had told me that I reminded him of a friend but I know he had not told me about this friend because, that friend, I'd have remembered him mentioning.
Apparently I remind him of this friend he has had since college and still keeps in touch with. He says she had some serious childhood trauma. She was kidnapped twice by the same guy. And there has recently been a documentary made about it.
-I think instantly of the Netflix show "Abducted in Plain Sight" I had watched a few months back. It was disturbing and fascinating. It was also helpful. She was an example to me. I remember how, though I had experienced nothing like this poor girl, this show made me realize and face the fact that I was and had been behaving like someone who had been groomed. -
I ask physical therapist what his friends name is.
Jan Brodbank
"Really?" I mention the name of the show. Yep, it's the same. I am intrigued. Why do I remind him of her?
He tells me a variety of things. One part is the trauma of a situation where the people who are supposed to be caring for you are betraying you. That was my ex-therapist and his IHC facility. It was also in a way, my parents who kind of screwed up, unintentionally in abandoning me when my brain was so broken and I needed more support as a teen.
I tell physical therapist how I found the documentary helpful and why, even though my situation was nothing like that. I tell him it made me think "I'm behaving like someone who has been groomed."
He tells me that is one significant way I reminded him of his friend, Jan. He had thought that very thing from our first conversation. Trying to protect a person who had and was causing me harm. Feeling conflicted about what to do and say, and how to stand up for myself with out hurting someone else. Not sure if I should speak out louder.
We, physical therapist and I, both are unsure if it was intentional or not from my ex-therapist and he has given me good insight in our conversations about this topic, but he sees many parallels that I share with this lady and that is one.
It is interesting.
and I am glad that he sees that and he understands some about the conflict I have with my captors mistakes being ignored very much to my expense.
Physical therapist, so sweet, so kind, so insightful agrees it very well could have been unintentional "grooming" but he points out to me the selfishness of ex-therapist in his effort to protect himself.
Sometimes life and coincidences are so very fascinating.
Today my physical therapist told me that I reminded him of a good friend of his.
He reminded me of how he had thought that the first time I came to physical therapy, only he hadn't told me that then. We talked about whether he had or had not. He thought he had told me this already because I guess I have reminded him of her quite a bit and we have had some very significant conversations, but he had not told me about this friend. Maybe he had told me that I reminded him of a friend but I know he had not told me about this friend because, that friend, I'd have remembered him mentioning.
Apparently I remind him of this friend he has had since college and still keeps in touch with. He says she had some serious childhood trauma. She was kidnapped twice by the same guy. And there has recently been a documentary made about it.
-I think instantly of the Netflix show "Abducted in Plain Sight" I had watched a few months back. It was disturbing and fascinating. It was also helpful. She was an example to me. I remember how, though I had experienced nothing like this poor girl, this show made me realize and face the fact that I was and had been behaving like someone who had been groomed. -
I ask physical therapist what his friends name is.
Jan Brodbank
"Really?" I mention the name of the show. Yep, it's the same. I am intrigued. Why do I remind him of her?
He tells me a variety of things. One part is the trauma of a situation where the people who are supposed to be caring for you are betraying you. That was my ex-therapist and his IHC facility. It was also in a way, my parents who kind of screwed up, unintentionally in abandoning me when my brain was so broken and I needed more support as a teen.
I tell physical therapist how I found the documentary helpful and why, even though my situation was nothing like that. I tell him it made me think "I'm behaving like someone who has been groomed."
He tells me that is one significant way I reminded him of his friend, Jan. He had thought that very thing from our first conversation. Trying to protect a person who had and was causing me harm. Feeling conflicted about what to do and say, and how to stand up for myself with out hurting someone else. Not sure if I should speak out louder.
We, physical therapist and I, both are unsure if it was intentional or not from my ex-therapist and he has given me good insight in our conversations about this topic, but he sees many parallels that I share with this lady and that is one.
It is interesting.
and I am glad that he sees that and he understands some about the conflict I have with my captors mistakes being ignored very much to my expense.
Physical therapist, so sweet, so kind, so insightful agrees it very well could have been unintentional "grooming" but he points out to me the selfishness of ex-therapist in his effort to protect himself.
Sometimes life and coincidences are so very fascinating.
Monday, May 13, 2019
The Void
"don't try to solve this"
he really doesn't understand...and I know I've gone here before, visited these thoughts a million times. Is it healthy? Is it productive to visit them again? I don't know. It feels like slow and steady progress and I realize more and more in my continued struggle to accept the me that was so boldly rejected by the gods that determine who is worthy of acceptance and who is not. the Therapists, their Superiors, Colleagues, and Teams.
Are they my gods? will I allow them to be my gods?
My instinct for survival will not allow it, because they have rejected me and to be rejected by the gods who determine who is worthy of saving and accepting then what?
...he doesn't understand
I am not trying to simply solve "this" situation or him. I am not at all sure what the "this" is that he is referring to.
I am trying to solve me.
that is why I was there in the first place, I needed to solve me.
I don't really know how or what that looks like. I thought he did. I trusted him. ...and my thoughts are derailed again.
I have been reading a book by Lori Gottlieb called, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone." It is about a therapist who is seeing a therapist. and oh yeah, now I remember what I came her to process...Too much... all at once. because I want to get this whole thing over and done with and move on quickly because it has already taken me too long. So naturally this book has all the answers I am looking for and all the answers to help me solve me.
Yep, this blog really does help me process and can help give me clarity as I just let whatever come out, come out. I wasn't thinking that but as I am trying to write my thoughts I realize that is what is happening and what I am trying to do.
Still rebelling against being patient with myself which has prolonged the process far more than shortened it.
These are new revelations to me as I write and I am liking this epiphany
but going to redirect now anyway back to one point I thought on processing that the book from my new therapist god Gottlieb (wait didn't I just reject the notion of therapist gods? or am I just rejecting the IHC Murray therapist gods?-ooh bold, I'm putting a name on... we'll see if I come back and change this, I might be turning the heat up on them... I might be choosing to fight a little harder for the righting of the injustice of their wrongs. Maybe I am increasingly annoyed by the evidence of wrongdoing and their complete unwillingness to work with me to right any of the harm they have caused. and they have. It is not good enough that they will use this to "help the with future clients" because that is bullshit and likely the "help" will be how they protect their money grab and insurance claims...
a tangent again,
yep, too much to process and too little time... inspired by a new source,
where I'm going with this,
yet to be determined
but I'll enjoy the ride because its not about the destination, the adventure is in getting there...
)
.railed again? no... rather here's the short list of thoughts this book has brought up today:
1. What is the emotional void that ex-therapist was filling and has now come to represents? -confidence, self acceptance, self love, acceptance, meaningful intellectual conversation, deeper connection, mysteries of TBI and how it actually effected my life-? not sure and I am kind of surprised by how not sure I am
2. what was the "precursor self-confession" of the dream I had prior to the complete system failure?
3. How do I "isolate myself" really?
4. What was my role in my family? -to gain them attention for my looks? (I had the blond hair and blue eyes... I was a cute little thing, but not spectacular) -to be the baby girl? to be the klutz? middle child? validator of my parents middle child syndromes? I don't know
the process
lifelong
sometimes fun
sometime interesting
sometimes a bugger of a job
when you've got so much going on. so many angles
aaaww the beauty and complexity of life
...what is my emotional void that is looking for a voice and validation?
Do I love men too much?
Do I have a cheating heart?
is it really not about ex-therapist at all?
Last appointment with concussion Dr. ... my eyes are drawn to about 4 inches of an arm. That is all that is visible of a person around the wall. Folded long sleeve button up shirt and bit of skin. Darker than I remember but I recognize it. The voice from the other side of the wall confirms. How am I so aware of this person? How did I know who it was by just that small piece of him.
I have walked right past my husband -and other friends and family members I know so very well- without even recognizing them, even when I am looking for them.
My drug of choice?
what is the deep void he has come to represent?
*a connection to a higher power? -that's a thought- I wish not to explore at this moment in time. so I'll log it real small- make note- and maybe revisit, later- when I feel prepared to explore- and as I say it this seems so obviously the void... maybe too obvious... so maybe not the void- overthinking over analyzing? as a way to justify myself out of facing it?
-less speaking/thinking, more doing-
damned ex-therapist
I wish you hadn't been so lovable ...and helpful
he really doesn't understand...and I know I've gone here before, visited these thoughts a million times. Is it healthy? Is it productive to visit them again? I don't know. It feels like slow and steady progress and I realize more and more in my continued struggle to accept the me that was so boldly rejected by the gods that determine who is worthy of acceptance and who is not. the Therapists, their Superiors, Colleagues, and Teams.
Are they my gods? will I allow them to be my gods?
My instinct for survival will not allow it, because they have rejected me and to be rejected by the gods who determine who is worthy of saving and accepting then what?
...he doesn't understand
I am not trying to simply solve "this" situation or him. I am not at all sure what the "this" is that he is referring to.
I am trying to solve me.
that is why I was there in the first place, I needed to solve me.
I don't really know how or what that looks like. I thought he did. I trusted him. ...and my thoughts are derailed again.
I have been reading a book by Lori Gottlieb called, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone." It is about a therapist who is seeing a therapist. and oh yeah, now I remember what I came her to process...Too much... all at once. because I want to get this whole thing over and done with and move on quickly because it has already taken me too long. So naturally this book has all the answers I am looking for and all the answers to help me solve me.
Yep, this blog really does help me process and can help give me clarity as I just let whatever come out, come out. I wasn't thinking that but as I am trying to write my thoughts I realize that is what is happening and what I am trying to do.
Still rebelling against being patient with myself which has prolonged the process far more than shortened it.
These are new revelations to me as I write and I am liking this epiphany
but going to redirect now anyway back to one point I thought on processing that the book from my new therapist god Gottlieb (wait didn't I just reject the notion of therapist gods? or am I just rejecting the IHC Murray therapist gods?-ooh bold, I'm putting a name on... we'll see if I come back and change this, I might be turning the heat up on them... I might be choosing to fight a little harder for the righting of the injustice of their wrongs. Maybe I am increasingly annoyed by the evidence of wrongdoing and their complete unwillingness to work with me to right any of the harm they have caused. and they have. It is not good enough that they will use this to "help the with future clients" because that is bullshit and likely the "help" will be how they protect their money grab and insurance claims...
a tangent again,
yep, too much to process and too little time... inspired by a new source,
where I'm going with this,
yet to be determined
but I'll enjoy the ride because its not about the destination, the adventure is in getting there...
)
.railed again? no... rather here's the short list of thoughts this book has brought up today:
1. What is the emotional void that ex-therapist was filling and has now come to represents? -confidence, self acceptance, self love, acceptance, meaningful intellectual conversation, deeper connection, mysteries of TBI and how it actually effected my life-? not sure and I am kind of surprised by how not sure I am
2. what was the "precursor self-confession" of the dream I had prior to the complete system failure?
3. How do I "isolate myself" really?
4. What was my role in my family? -to gain them attention for my looks? (I had the blond hair and blue eyes... I was a cute little thing, but not spectacular) -to be the baby girl? to be the klutz? middle child? validator of my parents middle child syndromes? I don't know
the process
lifelong
sometimes fun
sometime interesting
sometimes a bugger of a job
when you've got so much going on. so many angles
aaaww the beauty and complexity of life
...what is my emotional void that is looking for a voice and validation?
Do I love men too much?
Do I have a cheating heart?
is it really not about ex-therapist at all?
Last appointment with concussion Dr. ... my eyes are drawn to about 4 inches of an arm. That is all that is visible of a person around the wall. Folded long sleeve button up shirt and bit of skin. Darker than I remember but I recognize it. The voice from the other side of the wall confirms. How am I so aware of this person? How did I know who it was by just that small piece of him.
I have walked right past my husband -and other friends and family members I know so very well- without even recognizing them, even when I am looking for them.
My drug of choice?
what is the deep void he has come to represent?
*a connection to a higher power? -that's a thought- I wish not to explore at this moment in time. so I'll log it real small- make note- and maybe revisit, later- when I feel prepared to explore- and as I say it this seems so obviously the void... maybe too obvious... so maybe not the void- overthinking over analyzing? as a way to justify myself out of facing it?
-less speaking/thinking, more doing-
damned ex-therapist
I wish you hadn't been so lovable ...and helpful
Saturday, May 11, 2019
Too
Just a friendly reminder to who all who read or follow:
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.
...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.
...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way
the industry of blasphemy
When it was all still very fresh I felt upset and alarmed in the dousing defensive communication cycles pilot class we were participating in when withdrawal and cutting off were brought up as red level (abusive) defense mechanism in communication. I was upset and alarmed because that seems to be the stock and protocol solution to a therapists fallacy of countertransference.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Explosive
I have been weening because I feel like I need to figure out my base again in order to know what I really need. I'm realizing I need to fine tune meds. I am disappointed I have to take them at all and had been very hopeful about going off.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Trust
This is still nagging me.
I wrote an email and haven't sent it. I started a blog entry, a few times and have not published.
One of those blog entries got surprisingly angry very fast as I faced the emotions I am trying to not feel.
Here is what is bothering me. I sent my letter of appeal. I opted for trusting the patient advocate or at least being very nice in my approach despite my frustration and realization that she is not really representing me at all. My attempt was also meant to ease some of the burden of my poor stressed accident attorney who does not like knowing that Dr. Cherri-Dr. P will not go to bat for me. He knows (accident attorney) that my pushing to be heard and for actual representation in their bogus investigation will not help with that, so in effort and attempt to correct some I opted for nice and trusting.
Plus I'd rather be nice, so I took that approach.
To which my patient advocate replied with; "What that means is that, unfortunately, we will not be meeting again until the end of May. However, the good news is that with that being the case, I will be able to be present for the appeals committee meeting. I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting."
And this bugs the hell out me... There is that anger coming out again. I'll try to keep it in check as I explain:
1st: she did not even read or have the mysterious and unnamed "medical director" read my side of the story that I told her was important to include in the investigation. I had even asked her to stop the investigation from proceeding unless and/or until that was included when I realized that the investigation was not what I thought, was not going to benefit me, and she did not seem to understand what my concerns really were. That entire document, which was my side of the story, what my concerns were and what I was asking them for, was disregarded and not included in the investigation; when that is what the investigation was supposed to be about.
2nd: After receiving the letter about the investigation and seeing that this was obviously the case when I tried to talk with her about it, she inadvertently revealed the gravity of the mistakes and/or more ways they had screwed up. Realizing there is so much more going on then I know and that I don't really understand this whole process I asked if I could speak with her in person to discuss what I was not comfortable discussing on the phone or through email. I hoped she could help me sort out what needed to be said and what didn't to help them see that I am not the enemy they seem to have me made out to be. She would not talk to me in person. She would not return phone calls anymore.
For these reasons I just don't understand why she thinks I would be pleased that she "will be able to present to the appeals committee." She is obviously not presenting me or my interests. And if she is supposed to be my advocate why is she saying "I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting, " as if the outcome has already been determined and she will continue in her determination to avoid a real conversation about this.
I feel she is being smug and arrogant. I feel she is belittling me in thinking I am stupid enough to believe she is actually representing me in anyway. I feel angry at this whole bullshit operation and my anger is rising to the surface again. And I am not just angry at them but I am also angry and annoyed with myself as I am behaving like someone who has been groomed, withholding information and trying to protect the person who has and continues to cause harm. I am slightly angry no-one there seems to see that and they continue to push for a full blown attack that would require me going full out loco on them... I don't want that.
I have chosen to trust people again and again. To give them the benefit of the doubt because I understand that trust is a choice and people are more likely to live up to our expectations, so not trusting them does not really benefit anyone. But maybe I am working with an entirely different caliber of people, and maybe they pride themselves in making fools of those who give them the benefit of the doubt.
But who then, is the real fool? The one who chooses to give the benefit of the doubt and trusts or the one who will try to fool the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt?
I have given you that power, trusting you, knowing you have made mistakes but believing we can all move past that and work together for the common good. You will use it against me and mock me for it? Who is the fool?
I am, because I keep trying? Maybe.
And I do wonder if he has used his hypnotic voice and Jedi mind tricks to manipulate this person, my advocate, as well?... ever higher red flags fly
why
nice guy
If I am wrong in my interpretation then clarify. Talk to me. I am still willing to trust but I am not nearly as ignorant or foolish as you think.
Too much power have I?
little green Jedi?
(and that is my final thought to lighten the mood, because though I can be heavy, though I can go deep, I am not nearly so scary was one might think)
I wrote an email and haven't sent it. I started a blog entry, a few times and have not published.
One of those blog entries got surprisingly angry very fast as I faced the emotions I am trying to not feel.
Here is what is bothering me. I sent my letter of appeal. I opted for trusting the patient advocate or at least being very nice in my approach despite my frustration and realization that she is not really representing me at all. My attempt was also meant to ease some of the burden of my poor stressed accident attorney who does not like knowing that Dr. Cherri-Dr. P will not go to bat for me. He knows (accident attorney) that my pushing to be heard and for actual representation in their bogus investigation will not help with that, so in effort and attempt to correct some I opted for nice and trusting.
Plus I'd rather be nice, so I took that approach.
To which my patient advocate replied with; "What that means is that, unfortunately, we will not be meeting again until the end of May. However, the good news is that with that being the case, I will be able to be present for the appeals committee meeting. I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting."
And this bugs the hell out me... There is that anger coming out again. I'll try to keep it in check as I explain:
1st: she did not even read or have the mysterious and unnamed "medical director" read my side of the story that I told her was important to include in the investigation. I had even asked her to stop the investigation from proceeding unless and/or until that was included when I realized that the investigation was not what I thought, was not going to benefit me, and she did not seem to understand what my concerns really were. That entire document, which was my side of the story, what my concerns were and what I was asking them for, was disregarded and not included in the investigation; when that is what the investigation was supposed to be about.
2nd: After receiving the letter about the investigation and seeing that this was obviously the case when I tried to talk with her about it, she inadvertently revealed the gravity of the mistakes and/or more ways they had screwed up. Realizing there is so much more going on then I know and that I don't really understand this whole process I asked if I could speak with her in person to discuss what I was not comfortable discussing on the phone or through email. I hoped she could help me sort out what needed to be said and what didn't to help them see that I am not the enemy they seem to have me made out to be. She would not talk to me in person. She would not return phone calls anymore.
For these reasons I just don't understand why she thinks I would be pleased that she "will be able to present to the appeals committee." She is obviously not presenting me or my interests. And if she is supposed to be my advocate why is she saying "I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting, " as if the outcome has already been determined and she will continue in her determination to avoid a real conversation about this.
I feel she is being smug and arrogant. I feel she is belittling me in thinking I am stupid enough to believe she is actually representing me in anyway. I feel angry at this whole bullshit operation and my anger is rising to the surface again. And I am not just angry at them but I am also angry and annoyed with myself as I am behaving like someone who has been groomed, withholding information and trying to protect the person who has and continues to cause harm. I am slightly angry no-one there seems to see that and they continue to push for a full blown attack that would require me going full out loco on them... I don't want that.
I have chosen to trust people again and again. To give them the benefit of the doubt because I understand that trust is a choice and people are more likely to live up to our expectations, so not trusting them does not really benefit anyone. But maybe I am working with an entirely different caliber of people, and maybe they pride themselves in making fools of those who give them the benefit of the doubt.
But who then, is the real fool? The one who chooses to give the benefit of the doubt and trusts or the one who will try to fool the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt?
I have given you that power, trusting you, knowing you have made mistakes but believing we can all move past that and work together for the common good. You will use it against me and mock me for it? Who is the fool?
I am, because I keep trying? Maybe.
And I do wonder if he has used his hypnotic voice and Jedi mind tricks to manipulate this person, my advocate, as well?... ever higher red flags fly
why
nice guy
If I am wrong in my interpretation then clarify. Talk to me. I am still willing to trust but I am not nearly as ignorant or foolish as you think.
Too much power have I?
little green Jedi?
(and that is my final thought to lighten the mood, because though I can be heavy, though I can go deep, I am not nearly so scary was one might think)
Friday, May 3, 2019
A New Job
I'm tired
my head gets so tired
lower cognitive stamina
that's what I call it.
It's even worse now
it seems.
but maybe not,
that was the theme I really wanted to talk about
November 12.
so it is a heartbreak
added on
every time I get tired like this
-most days and days on the new job-
it's a pain that reminds me
-and this is where I guess I get to decide for myself what to believe-
of the exquisite pain
of caring
of loving
of connecting
and of loss
all part of life
so I feel humble and I feel at peace as I breath in
and savor my experiences
with salty tears
choosing to believe in the good
as I acknowledge and then let go of my anger
and hurt
...saudade
my head gets so tired
lower cognitive stamina
that's what I call it.
It's even worse now
it seems.
but maybe not,
that was the theme I really wanted to talk about
November 12.
so it is a heartbreak
added on
every time I get tired like this
-most days and days on the new job-
it's a pain that reminds me
-and this is where I guess I get to decide for myself what to believe-
of the exquisite pain
of caring
of loving
of connecting
and of loss
all part of life
so I feel humble and I feel at peace as I breath in
and savor my experiences
with salty tears
choosing to believe in the good
as I acknowledge and then let go of my anger
and hurt
...saudade
The Power of Suggestion; a therapist's greatest weapon
He was afraid of me.
That much I knew. It is another common theme with me. One that I don't fully understand, I just know that I often make people uncomfortable with my ways of thinking and looking at the world. I think it is also because I call people out.
Now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went I just knew part of why, maybe mainly why, he was getting rid of me was because he was afraid of me.
I said something about people being afraid of me.
He tried to give me that therapist reassurance as he straight faced, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am not scared of you."
but was it the therapist?
or a man who was afraid he'd been caught. -trying to bluff his way out, trying to stare down and control what he was absolutely most afraid of
I called him out with the raising of the eyebrow, "really," and the look
"why are you a stalker?" he says with a bit too much enthusiasm to his tone.
He is hopeful
...I am not sure what his cryptic suggestion is. I am not sure what his inflection means.
Is he hoping I will find him that way. Reconnect by finding his contact info on my own?
Or
Epiphany
A way out? his safety net in the power of suggestion. A reason to play with, manipulate, and deny symptoms that will definitely work in his favor. The emails, proper proof of a manic mind, can now be used in his favor with just a bit of twisting.
He is in control again.
I have been feeling the anger part of this coming up in me more as the good he did fades, the way I hoped it would not, but the way I knew it likely would because it was too soon and bad timing, I needed to root deeply his conditioning, but instead his desires (whatever they are) got rooted in the turn of events.
And I find myself wondering if, in the beginning of therapy, I had been able to get away to a place where I could be alone, to heal alone -like the lady he told me about who had a place she was able to escape to near a lake- if he would offered to do home visits? How would that have changed things?
I failed too many of his tests?
...and I am angry in my stages of grief and I am angry about the manipulation, the abuse of the perpetuation,
wondering when it really started
That much I knew. It is another common theme with me. One that I don't fully understand, I just know that I often make people uncomfortable with my ways of thinking and looking at the world. I think it is also because I call people out.
Now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went I just knew part of why, maybe mainly why, he was getting rid of me was because he was afraid of me.
I said something about people being afraid of me.
He tried to give me that therapist reassurance as he straight faced, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am not scared of you."
but was it the therapist?
or a man who was afraid he'd been caught. -trying to bluff his way out, trying to stare down and control what he was absolutely most afraid of
I called him out with the raising of the eyebrow, "really," and the look
"why are you a stalker?" he says with a bit too much enthusiasm to his tone.
He is hopeful
...I am not sure what his cryptic suggestion is. I am not sure what his inflection means.
Is he hoping I will find him that way. Reconnect by finding his contact info on my own?
Or
Epiphany
A way out? his safety net in the power of suggestion. A reason to play with, manipulate, and deny symptoms that will definitely work in his favor. The emails, proper proof of a manic mind, can now be used in his favor with just a bit of twisting.
He is in control again.
I have been feeling the anger part of this coming up in me more as the good he did fades, the way I hoped it would not, but the way I knew it likely would because it was too soon and bad timing, I needed to root deeply his conditioning, but instead his desires (whatever they are) got rooted in the turn of events.
And I find myself wondering if, in the beginning of therapy, I had been able to get away to a place where I could be alone, to heal alone -like the lady he told me about who had a place she was able to escape to near a lake- if he would offered to do home visits? How would that have changed things?
I failed too many of his tests?
...and I am angry in my stages of grief and I am angry about the manipulation, the abuse of the perpetuation,
wondering when it really started
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Accidentally Anorexic
At 23 I accidentally went anorexic. This is funny to me because it is often considered such a control issue that it does not seem one could accidentally become anorexic... and yet I bet that is how many people initially become such.
and I did.
I am pretty unbelievable.
Yet, it's actually true, I accidentally went anorexic.
I was a nanny, also married and for about 9 months living with the family I nannied for.
I started the week after the twin boys were born. As they grew I was taking them for jogs in their double jogger up and down the hilly secluded roads of the Pacific Northwest.
The parents were very health and fitness conscious and the lady of the house was very meticulous. I was often in awe at what and how much she would throw out with out a second thought.
I was not that meticulous and aside from growing up in a large family with limited funds and resources I seem to see the world through potential colored glasses -I see potential uses or functions in just about everything. So I am not so meticulous and not nearly quick enough to clean up after myself since everything required some sort of evaluation before I could bring myself to throw it out.
That was one reason I didn't eat much while I was there. Also I'd get busy. Then their was the encouragement, praise, and maybe at times a touch of envy from the lady of the house when I started losing weight.
As the boys grew I slimmed and tightened. I started to feel good too.
Then I started to feel more powerful and in control.
I remember once catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I was changing. I noticed the definition to my usually spaghetti arms. I turned and flexed. I had abs and biceps and most my clothes were falling off me at that point. I felt pretty neat.
Fortunately my husband and I went home for Christmas and while snowboarding I rolled my ankle.
Bad enough that it was black and blue from toes to knee. It slowed me down and it was probably a good thing because I was still almost 5'7" but I now only weighed 100 lbs -actually the scale had dipped down to double digits- and I was feeling the addictive empowerment of anorexia before one looses too much of them self (literally).
At 24, when I got pregnant with my daughter, my first child, I weighed a whopping 106 lbs. I took a picture of the scale because I knew I would likely never see that number again on a scale holding me.
And I haven't. I have not gone anorexic again, I do not think I could if I tried, I just don't work like that. I don't try to create problems, I try to avoid them and when avoiding them causes a new problem I try to stay ahead of it when I realize the problem it has become or has the potential to become.
And that is how I roll.
and I did.
I am pretty unbelievable.
Yet, it's actually true, I accidentally went anorexic.
I was a nanny, also married and for about 9 months living with the family I nannied for.
I started the week after the twin boys were born. As they grew I was taking them for jogs in their double jogger up and down the hilly secluded roads of the Pacific Northwest.
The parents were very health and fitness conscious and the lady of the house was very meticulous. I was often in awe at what and how much she would throw out with out a second thought.
I was not that meticulous and aside from growing up in a large family with limited funds and resources I seem to see the world through potential colored glasses -I see potential uses or functions in just about everything. So I am not so meticulous and not nearly quick enough to clean up after myself since everything required some sort of evaluation before I could bring myself to throw it out.
That was one reason I didn't eat much while I was there. Also I'd get busy. Then their was the encouragement, praise, and maybe at times a touch of envy from the lady of the house when I started losing weight.
As the boys grew I slimmed and tightened. I started to feel good too.
Then I started to feel more powerful and in control.
I remember once catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I was changing. I noticed the definition to my usually spaghetti arms. I turned and flexed. I had abs and biceps and most my clothes were falling off me at that point. I felt pretty neat.
Fortunately my husband and I went home for Christmas and while snowboarding I rolled my ankle.
Bad enough that it was black and blue from toes to knee. It slowed me down and it was probably a good thing because I was still almost 5'7" but I now only weighed 100 lbs -actually the scale had dipped down to double digits- and I was feeling the addictive empowerment of anorexia before one looses too much of them self (literally).
At 24, when I got pregnant with my daughter, my first child, I weighed a whopping 106 lbs. I took a picture of the scale because I knew I would likely never see that number again on a scale holding me.
And I haven't. I have not gone anorexic again, I do not think I could if I tried, I just don't work like that. I don't try to create problems, I try to avoid them and when avoiding them causes a new problem I try to stay ahead of it when I realize the problem it has become or has the potential to become.
And that is how I roll.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Too Much
I am... was too much...
That poor man. How was he to navigate me? Especially broken me in manic survival mood. Perfectly and beautifully balanced between heaven and hell. Speaking with gods while keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground.
I am so torn.
Do I pity him? Do I leave him alone because I love him? Or do I expose him and let others decide what he is and what to do about it ...because he manipulated a patient to protect himself at the patients expense, one that was vulnerable, fragile and broken, when his job was to protect her, help her heal, put her best interest first... I speak in third person because these are not just my words and it is easier to face it that way anyway.
But the quandary. maybe I hope that getting it all out will solve my moral quandary. I published two drafts that were from a little while ago, kept them in their places chronologically. One I published and then pulled the other I had not quite finished. -Find them my few mysterious loyal readers, and I'd be happy to hear your two cents.-
Now I'll turn back to the me that was too much. "I think we're off track"... we're off track -these three word I said too much and not enough-
I said so much, so intense and coming from places I didn't fully grasp in his world that I didn't really understand, questioning rules and pushing boundaries I didn't know, fully comprehend, nor am bound to follow.
And I was strong and confident. ...at least it appeared that way.
I was strong and confident because at that point in time. my alter ego or my superpowers, had taken over.
"So this is all part of the job?" I don't think he answered. He tried to make is sound like I should have known, seen this end coming. "You're going to work to uncover my buried story and then you're just going to take it all back?"
I felt I was supposed to speak of transference because that is what all the crap I read said. I couldn't do it. But I'd heard a song that week. I am not sure if I had ever heard it before but it resonated. It nailed my feelings. It was too much. Too powerful and too easy to misinterpret. But it was what made sense to me in that moment and the easiest way for me to express what I was feeling.
Christina Perri's "Arms"
In black are the lyrics, in color are what it meant to me:
I never thought that You would be the one to hold my heart (Really, not something I anticipated. He was easy for me to talk to and I thought he was attractive but I was not looking for anyone to hold my heart or have anything to do with my heart. It was supposed to be about my head. But when he didn't want to encourage dependence and the human element caused him to push me out before I felt ready my heart broke and didn't stop physically hurting until I saw him again. I did not understand it.)
But you came around
And you knocked me off the ground from the start (I was always so impressed by him. His demeanor, and his knowledge. He may have been teasing when he said "you wanted the best" but that's what he was. He also knocked me off the ground because from the get go I was like "we should be friends" and he was like "it never works" and he had no interest. And it was always a sad disappointment because he was just so easy to talk to and I knew we'd have made great friends had we met under different circumstances, but I accepted it, it was a a disappointment but I was not hung up on it.
You put your arms around me this was entirely figurative. He never did this, but it felt this way whenever I was with him. he was safety and comfort.
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go that's his job, and I knew it, and I knew it was going to be hard for me. I knew I was getting attached but I was working on letting go. He just let me go way too fast and way to easy when I needed a transition.
You put your arms around me and I'm home this is why I needed the transition. I needed a processes of letting go. I felt so comfortably at home with him in a community and culture where I seldom feel at home.
How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drownI didn't really want to deal with what I was there to deal with. I had a hard time talking about it and I felt small, insecure, broken, worthless and so many things. It was confusing and painful the way my mind was reprocessing my life through a new lens of understanding so I'd easily allow things to get off topic. I'd turn the focus on him even because I found him rather fascinating, but he always brought got me back on track giving me something to think about and work on that was helping me understand and fix my my brokenness. But eventually I realized was not fully utilizing him as my therapist by avoiding and I had to decide to let his magic work.
I hope that you see right through my walls I really did hope that he'd see this. I figured he'd understand better than me.
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling I felt like he already was catching me because I was doing so much better and his influence had been so incredibly positive, but I was already falling through the rabbit hole when I came to him and had so many times. I hoped he was catching me to send me back and keep me from wonderland.
I'll never let a love get so close this was probably the worst thing I could have said if he was broken from his recent divorce, but it is what I felt, because I unknowingly let him get so close to my heart. I was much more broken, fallen, and attached then I realized or would admit to myself, which is why I broke. I am not sure how I let him get so close... I trusted him so completely and he was just so easy to connect with. but he was also a paid for service so I should not have gotten so attached and yet I did.
You put your arms around me and I'm home
The world is coming down on me This is so hard, this part, because it was. I was so very very broken and I did not feel lovable. I was so buried and my sense of self worth so shot that I really could not see or even believe ...
And I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you I didn't.
But I can't make you bleed if I'm alone but I knew I had too. and I knew he was no longer my objective therapist, I even felt that I had hurt him. Hurt his ego, or his hope, or something so, he was bleeding because of me. If nothing else he was bleeding out $ because he'd given me a discounted rate.
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth I would actually not say things because I did not want to encourage attachment. I would not talk about things that I felt were common interests or bonds because I did not want to feed a connection I already felt was going to be difficult to walk away from. I would not talk about anything that I sensed caused him pain or connection. I also figured he had figured out that I was experiencing transference before I had figured it out. I thought he had realized what I had been denying to myself.
And I've never opened up this is misleading because I really did not open up in the typical way a patient/client opens up to there therapist. I was barely getting to that point because most of it I had buried or forgotten anyway. I couldn't have. I had not really opened up or shared much with him that I had not shared or was willing to share with others, rather I had opened up my heart and was open to trusting him so completely. I was open to the connectedness I felt. I was open to his idea's, his training, his conditioning. I have literally never opened myself up to allowing someone to have that much influence over me.
I've never truly loved 'till you put your arms around me Again, the arms are figurative, I just felt that way with him. As far as "never truly loved" somehow I understood better how to love myself and others because of his influence, demeanor or what ever. That and, I wish this were not true and it may just be the therapist relationship, but I really have never felt such a profound connection to another person.
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go yep
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
You put your arms around me and I'm home"
BUT we interpret things the way we will. probably it needed to be broken down better. Probably it would not have mattered though, he had already decided, for whatever reason and maybe many,
he was done with me.
He had decided my fate and it did not matter what I said or did at that point, he wouldn't hear it. The intensity of this song likely did not help. It would have fed any reason to distance himself. His reply was "You love me?" inquisitive, schoolboy tone. to which I replied, "yes I fall in love with people all the time, it is not an uncommon theme with me" Somewhere, at some point, (I'm sure it's in my notes but I don't remember exactly anymore) I said "but you are something different, you are something special."
too much
I had tried to tell him though, the direction my research had taken me, and the intensity of my emotions and chemistry. That part I did not fully understand and I did not think this was a reciprocated or romantic sort of love anyway. Maybe a touch of romantic from me, but I also understood the reality of the transference and that this very likely was something different then that. I sensed that it might be reciprocated in some way but I doubted that sense. I figured it for what it likely was, my own screwed up and far too intense chemistry. I did know, at very least, that this doctor of psychology would know better. He would understand it. He would know what it was and where it was coming from, and why it was messing with my mind and body so dramatically. He would know if that damned car accident knocked me farther out of whack then I had anticipated. He would know if my brain was like my ankle.
...but...
He didn't hear me
...on the 12th of November. He had decided then. Now it was just about protecting himself. Why did he entertain my crazy? Why did he play with me?
that is the mystery that perpetuated the cycle of my mental instability and still does to some extent. I am immensely bothered by the fact that they will not hear me, they make it about him. Maybe the field of psychology is a farce. A game. Like everything else
That is what the wealthy and powerful figure out that the rest of us have not, it is all just a silly game and if you want to get ahead you have to play to win.
...lost track, maybe focus, definitely out of time, but I publish now and come back to edit later if time permits and I feel so inclined because my goal is to get it out. Get it all out. the truth, the reality, no more attempts to protect, at least not here, in my space, the man who forgot that his job was supposed to be about protecting me. not him. and had he stayed focused on that, been honest, he'd have seen, had realized, I was never out to get him. Never. and his insecurities about trouble from me are the trouble. If you go looking for trouble or if you are certain it's trouble, that is exactly what you will get... kind of like: "if you think you can or you think you can't your right."
I'm sorry I could not be the nothing you needed to be... You were my therapy and
Sunday, April 28, 2019
teachings of buddha, tao and enemies that we love
I'm finding myself with still so much to say about this whole situation.
about myself.
Last night I went to dinner with 2 of my sisters, my mom and my soon to be sister-in-law.
I love them all
but I struggle in this place
I struggle with my mom and I feel terrible about it.
She had endured a lot in her young life. She was abandoned by one parent while the other shut down... thus neglected by the other.
Life is so weird
-Love and passion, the need for love drives people to do very strange things-
It didn't end there for my mom (it didn't really even start there), she was lucky to get away alive from the man before my dad. And then when she needed it most she was not accepted the way she felt she needed to be by her new in-laws. She must have broken a million times before I was ever even born; daughter #4 at barely 26.
I feel for her
and yet I feel anger towards her and even resentment at times. I struggle to be patient sometimes and I feel bad that I do.
I feel angry because she got messed up and then she messed us up.
When I was a teen I remember seeing her break apart once and realizing it was not actually my fault. She was blaming me, but it was not me. I had no control over what was going on with her and there was nothing I could do about it. I also realized that what ever it was she was in that moment was not her. It was something else. Something I pitied, but did not like.
If I am being honest, I did not care for my mom much when I was a teen. I loved her and yet I also hated her.
But even with that, she taught me so much. The flip side of the coin, the mom that I hated may have taught me most as I tried to understand and love her in spite of my anger and hurt. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was when I realized how she was turning into all the things she was so angry about.
"We get more of what we focus on," "when you point a finger there are 4 pointing back at you" (but it's actually 3 because the thumb points down), "you are what you eat" and so many cliches made sense as I observed my mom becoming more and more manipulative in her self pity. As she started to develop favorites, scape goats and pecking orders. Things she claimed to despise about her in-laws.
It was an interesting upbringing with my parents who came from such different places.
and it is hard to beat your upbringing.
It is likely part of why I am so driven to solve. To figure it out.
I too am like a pendulum and I know it.
I also have fingers that point back and I know it.
I am flawed and broken and raised to be flawed and broken, by flawed and broken people who were flawed and broken by other flawed and broken people but striving for "be ye perfect"
always discouraged, always coming up short.
Life.
... Is short!
and so do I come up.
but
but but
I am okay.
I am not perfect
I am broken
and I am short, always coming up
for more
because I am also human
not a god
not meant to be a god
just me
just okay and I am happy to know that is exactly who I am.
I am still small. Still not entirely in the clear. Still a little stuck in this alternate psychological reality of reprocessing, as an adult and as a child, but I am precisely where I need to be and ultimately I am happy.
I still hurt and my eyes still leak for my losses but that is part of the richness of life and even in that there is beauty.
about myself.
Last night I went to dinner with 2 of my sisters, my mom and my soon to be sister-in-law.
I love them all
but I struggle in this place
I struggle with my mom and I feel terrible about it.
She had endured a lot in her young life. She was abandoned by one parent while the other shut down... thus neglected by the other.
Life is so weird
-Love and passion, the need for love drives people to do very strange things-
It didn't end there for my mom (it didn't really even start there), she was lucky to get away alive from the man before my dad. And then when she needed it most she was not accepted the way she felt she needed to be by her new in-laws. She must have broken a million times before I was ever even born; daughter #4 at barely 26.
I feel for her
and yet I feel anger towards her and even resentment at times. I struggle to be patient sometimes and I feel bad that I do.
I feel angry because she got messed up and then she messed us up.
When I was a teen I remember seeing her break apart once and realizing it was not actually my fault. She was blaming me, but it was not me. I had no control over what was going on with her and there was nothing I could do about it. I also realized that what ever it was she was in that moment was not her. It was something else. Something I pitied, but did not like.
If I am being honest, I did not care for my mom much when I was a teen. I loved her and yet I also hated her.
But even with that, she taught me so much. The flip side of the coin, the mom that I hated may have taught me most as I tried to understand and love her in spite of my anger and hurt. One of the most valuable lessons I learned was when I realized how she was turning into all the things she was so angry about.
"We get more of what we focus on," "when you point a finger there are 4 pointing back at you" (but it's actually 3 because the thumb points down), "you are what you eat" and so many cliches made sense as I observed my mom becoming more and more manipulative in her self pity. As she started to develop favorites, scape goats and pecking orders. Things she claimed to despise about her in-laws.
It was an interesting upbringing with my parents who came from such different places.
and it is hard to beat your upbringing.
It is likely part of why I am so driven to solve. To figure it out.
I too am like a pendulum and I know it.
I also have fingers that point back and I know it.
I am flawed and broken and raised to be flawed and broken, by flawed and broken people who were flawed and broken by other flawed and broken people but striving for "be ye perfect"
always discouraged, always coming up short.
Life.
... Is short!
and so do I come up.
but
but but
I am okay.
I am not perfect
I am broken
and I am short, always coming up
for more
because I am also human
not a god
not meant to be a god
just me
just okay and I am happy to know that is exactly who I am.
I am still small. Still not entirely in the clear. Still a little stuck in this alternate psychological reality of reprocessing, as an adult and as a child, but I am precisely where I need to be and ultimately I am happy.
I still hurt and my eyes still leak for my losses but that is part of the richness of life and even in that there is beauty.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
Comedy of errors or sad reality?
I'm in a much better place and I think still improving but it is difficult still. I will be honest (because I am, painfully so. Not brutally honest, but painfully honest because brutal, to me, requires some intention to cause pain and I am not brutal, just sometimes honest to a fault which can cause pain. And I have digressed in a direction I wish to explore more as honesty is such double edged sword and a value people so often claim but rarely live in reality to the extent that they claim. It is such a tricky balance and people will sell out there honesty so quickly in order to protect some other value or their pride and ego. We all do it. I remember in high school my vegan friend saying, "we are all hypocrites, it's just that some of us are trying a little harder not to be." and I find myself wondering where the balance needs to lie with honest? Because when it comes down to it can we be honest if we don't know the truth? And maybe we choose ignorance intentionally to avoid being put in a position where honesty has to be a sacrifice we don't want to make....
Here in lies a problem altogether with me: I can go too deep too fast ...and sometimes I get lost.
It is a very natural thing for me, to go deep and I do at times enjoy it. I especially enjoy when I find someone who can keep up. But it can be dangerous and it can be very difficult to navigate and stay safely balanced.)
...So back to "I will be honest" I am still in a vulnerable place and because I am well seasoned and experienced and because I am intelligent and I can hold my head up high even when my head is weighted heavy with insecurities people don't realize how fragile I really am. I don't always realize it because I am not always that way "my personality is still changing too much" was another point that was ignored, overlooked by the professional.
I can be fine and great one minute then falling apart the next. I am mostly fine and I know how to manage the falling apart but it is difficult and it wears on me. so why am I here today, what is the point of this rambling?
I am shy about saying it because I don't want to be arrogant, "I need some someone who can keep up with me" I tell her.
The concussion doctor says something to the effect that head injury is healed so now it is mental illness primary. I don't really like that. I don't like it because what is the truth with head injury? Do they heal or do they not? They say when you have sustained a brain bleed like I had when I was a kid that part will never heal, will not regenerate and you have permanent brain damage, but now she is saying it is healed? So that confuses me. And then there is "mental illness" I absolutely hate the term and the connotation. I hate so much about that, but I especially hate the stigma. I think we are all mentally ill but I get the stigma. I hate that I am supposed to accept that I have both negative stigma's: brain damage and mental illness. I do not want to accept that. I do not want to be a part of either especially since I have been rejected in that world too. So maybe then they are all wrong
...and when I came on here with such a clear vision of what I wanted to share it has turned into something entirely different... which means it is bothering me more that I care to admit. which in the end brings me to my point.
Scared
I am still very scared.
less
but still scared of what this all means for me. It is the problem, the PTSD, my fear of what head injury means for me. I have been so afraid of this. Of what it all means for me and my reality. What it means in terms of aging and quality of life. But fear just may be the problem, which is why I choose to face fears and now I'll let it go.
My life may end up being something very different
maybe I will eventually loose my ability to effectively manage and straddle both worlds
but maybe I won't
whatever it is or becomes it is my beautiful crazy
and it will be okay
"just let it be what it needs to be"
...I wish he could have heard me. I was doing so well before he broke me for reasons I don't understand -and then turned to his own self preservation at my expense.
Was I breaking him?
again. I am here when I want it to be gone but the psychology of it is fascinating and draws me back again and again
another reason I came on
I do not like that I know he messed with my head and not entirely unintentionally. I do not like that I am not sure what to do about that and if I have a moral obligation to blow the top off his covering up. I do not like the position I am in. That I now have to be the judge because I was a sacrificial lamb and not by choice.
And how frequently are sacrifices made to please the gods of capitalism, liability, sex, ego and pride? But this lamb is will not die, because I am not a god. I learned too much before being taken to the sacrificial alter and I did not agree to be the sacrificed redeemer. I am neither blasphemy nor submissive, so I cannot be a savior that is willing to sacrifice myself nor the lamb that will be led to the slaughter.
I am me
and I am a fighter not a flighter so naturally. That's the sense you get knocked into you when you broken but not ready to die.
...a tug on my bag and I turned to see a gun pointed right between my eyes. first I look to who's holding the gun then I check where my kids are. They are out of harms way. The perpetrator has fear. I negotiate. my money but not my bag, not my phone with my photos.
...I'm 22, home alone at night, someone is entering the alcove to my open bedroom window on the 1st floor of our apartment complex. No good intentions will lead a man there. Out of me comes a deep demon of a voice "what the hell are you doing" and before I am aware of what I am doing I'm out the back door chasing after the perpetrator.
...Again in my 20's the man in the car that stops when I give a sarcastic response to his jackass driving move. He's out of the car and threatening my husband, who did nothing, I'm out of the car and up in his face, standing my own ground because the fight he is picking is with me.
While I have calmed significantly, older and wiser [fortunately], I'm a fighter when I am pushed. and that was a buried part of me that came out in this break.
So it is hard to know when to fight and when to hold back. especially when I am straddling two (or more) worlds.
I'd rather be a lover. Make love, not war. and maybe that is the real reason sex has been so much better.
Money and sex
Is that really what it is all about?
True to what I started I'll publish because it's what came out... but I'll probably be back to edit this one later.
Here in lies a problem altogether with me: I can go too deep too fast ...and sometimes I get lost.
It is a very natural thing for me, to go deep and I do at times enjoy it. I especially enjoy when I find someone who can keep up. But it can be dangerous and it can be very difficult to navigate and stay safely balanced.)
...So back to "I will be honest" I am still in a vulnerable place and because I am well seasoned and experienced and because I am intelligent and I can hold my head up high even when my head is weighted heavy with insecurities people don't realize how fragile I really am. I don't always realize it because I am not always that way "my personality is still changing too much" was another point that was ignored, overlooked by the professional.
I can be fine and great one minute then falling apart the next. I am mostly fine and I know how to manage the falling apart but it is difficult and it wears on me. so why am I here today, what is the point of this rambling?
I am shy about saying it because I don't want to be arrogant, "I need some someone who can keep up with me" I tell her.
The concussion doctor says something to the effect that head injury is healed so now it is mental illness primary. I don't really like that. I don't like it because what is the truth with head injury? Do they heal or do they not? They say when you have sustained a brain bleed like I had when I was a kid that part will never heal, will not regenerate and you have permanent brain damage, but now she is saying it is healed? So that confuses me. And then there is "mental illness" I absolutely hate the term and the connotation. I hate so much about that, but I especially hate the stigma. I think we are all mentally ill but I get the stigma. I hate that I am supposed to accept that I have both negative stigma's: brain damage and mental illness. I do not want to accept that. I do not want to be a part of either especially since I have been rejected in that world too. So maybe then they are all wrong
...and when I came on here with such a clear vision of what I wanted to share it has turned into something entirely different... which means it is bothering me more that I care to admit. which in the end brings me to my point.
Scared
I am still very scared.
less
but still scared of what this all means for me. It is the problem, the PTSD, my fear of what head injury means for me. I have been so afraid of this. Of what it all means for me and my reality. What it means in terms of aging and quality of life. But fear just may be the problem, which is why I choose to face fears and now I'll let it go.
My life may end up being something very different
maybe I will eventually loose my ability to effectively manage and straddle both worlds
but maybe I won't
whatever it is or becomes it is my beautiful crazy
and it will be okay
"just let it be what it needs to be"
...I wish he could have heard me. I was doing so well before he broke me for reasons I don't understand -and then turned to his own self preservation at my expense.
Was I breaking him?
again. I am here when I want it to be gone but the psychology of it is fascinating and draws me back again and again
another reason I came on
I do not like that I know he messed with my head and not entirely unintentionally. I do not like that I am not sure what to do about that and if I have a moral obligation to blow the top off his covering up. I do not like the position I am in. That I now have to be the judge because I was a sacrificial lamb and not by choice.
And how frequently are sacrifices made to please the gods of capitalism, liability, sex, ego and pride? But this lamb is will not die, because I am not a god. I learned too much before being taken to the sacrificial alter and I did not agree to be the sacrificed redeemer. I am neither blasphemy nor submissive, so I cannot be a savior that is willing to sacrifice myself nor the lamb that will be led to the slaughter.
I am me
and I am a fighter not a flighter so naturally. That's the sense you get knocked into you when you broken but not ready to die.
...a tug on my bag and I turned to see a gun pointed right between my eyes. first I look to who's holding the gun then I check where my kids are. They are out of harms way. The perpetrator has fear. I negotiate. my money but not my bag, not my phone with my photos.
...I'm 22, home alone at night, someone is entering the alcove to my open bedroom window on the 1st floor of our apartment complex. No good intentions will lead a man there. Out of me comes a deep demon of a voice "what the hell are you doing" and before I am aware of what I am doing I'm out the back door chasing after the perpetrator.
...Again in my 20's the man in the car that stops when I give a sarcastic response to his jackass driving move. He's out of the car and threatening my husband, who did nothing, I'm out of the car and up in his face, standing my own ground because the fight he is picking is with me.
While I have calmed significantly, older and wiser [fortunately], I'm a fighter when I am pushed. and that was a buried part of me that came out in this break.
So it is hard to know when to fight and when to hold back. especially when I am straddling two (or more) worlds.
I'd rather be a lover. Make love, not war. and maybe that is the real reason sex has been so much better.
Money and sex
Is that really what it is all about?
True to what I started I'll publish because it's what came out... but I'll probably be back to edit this one later.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
tired brain
I keep thinking I'm done and moved on only to find something nagging again.
The thing is I know he messed with my mind
and it was not entirely unintentional
and so many things
like never being told who his superiors are to file a complaint with,
this whole "investigation" without representation
are just so wrong
and this is supposed to be the safe place
..."we just need to find the right fit, the right person for you" says my concussion doctor.
no.
I am not going there again.
There is no "right fit" and "right person"
I'm not opening myself up to that again.
The thing is I know he messed with my mind
and it was not entirely unintentional
and so many things
like never being told who his superiors are to file a complaint with,
this whole "investigation" without representation
are just so wrong
and this is supposed to be the safe place
..."we just need to find the right fit, the right person for you" says my concussion doctor.
no.
I am not going there again.
There is no "right fit" and "right person"
I'm not opening myself up to that again.
Monday, April 22, 2019
Jim Kwik
My sister sent me a link to this man's story. His name is Jim Kwik and I loved his story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=6jbpn7Xb7pE&app=desktop
I was not as young and I did not have such extreme problems with learning as a youth from my brain injury but I understand the feelings of inadequacy and not measuring up. I understand and relate to being a product of your condition -only my condition was not understood to be a broken brain; from it actually being physically broken, mine was "why are you broken" "what is wrong with you," ignorantly viewed more as character flaws, when they were not. I wonder if this Jim ever felt that way. It is just now, in my reprocessing with the PTSD from the mTBI (concussion), that I am finally able to understand and say with surety that it was not my character that was or is broken, it is my brain. [I suppose that may be what I am actually trying to stand up for in my quest to resolve what I feel so determined to resolve]
I love the story of motivation and determination that leads to an even more brokenness. It is tragic and heartbreaking but it is reality and I that is why I love it. He paints the reality the pitfalls of with belief "if you just believe and work hard." Alone that belief is not sufficient or healthy when you have broken brain. When you are intelligent and have other strengths it is hard for people to know the reality of the struggle as something physical. It is not due to a lake of belief or determination it is actually due to a physical problem.
I love that he reframes his thinking. He acknowledges his weaknesses and decides he needs to adjust his goals. He basically realizes that he needs to work smarter not harder and he decides that the first step to that is learning how to work smarter. I also love the superhero analogy and how he realizes he still has powers he can tap into despite his brokenness, he just needs to learn a new or different how.
TBI is difficult.
You become a different version of yourself and you have to figure what that means, and out how to become a new you you can love and be happy with, how to accept your weaknesses and how to live a happy productive life without that part of you that you once had. It is a physical disability, only people can't see it and it is not one you are really able to talk about. You will be stigmatized and discriminated against if you do and you do not have the same protection as someone with a very visible obvious disability. You will hear things like "you are high functioning" which is fine and true but still stings a little as you can't be sure what is being implied or where the comment is really coming from.
It is a disability that is hidden but that you can't always hide and yet you will work to. It makes no sense and we have these tragic ironies and hypocrisies to handle on top of the problem itself. We are very often very much alone.
So I am loving hearing and seeing more success stories.
I also love this video from Jim Kwik not just for the content but because in it, when he is talking, I can see and hear the subtleties that I recognize are actually coming from his broken brain. I can related to those and I love it because I know he is authentic, he is real, and he actually, really does relate. I love his imperfections in this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tCWngax6WE
Saturday, April 20, 2019
a not-so-straight gait
I'm here to complain today.
but first I have a saying, and my kids hate it, so it must be a good one: "your not allowed to complain about it unless you are willing to do something about it."
but sometimes we complain because we aren't sure what to do about it. or even where to log our complaints. Sometimes we cause bigger problems by complaining... but now I am getting sidetracked into the philosophical unknowns that can turn into black holes
So I'll just complain.
My lower back sucks right now.
Walking again after so long of not and when some part of you is recovering from surgery is so much harder than I realized. Mine was just my ankle. A mere 2-3 inch scar that wraps the ankle bone is all that shows (not entirely true, it's swollen still and my calf muscle on that leg is still skinnier) Yet at 3 weeks able to walk again more things hurt now then did before or immediately after surgery.
My lower back hurts so bad and my heel, ankle, calf and all these muscles and parts of my foot, I didn't even know existed before, hurt. My gait is very off and has been for some time so it's throwing everything else off.
I'm so glad to be able to move again but I am still so limited in what I really can and can't do and it's hard to take it slow...and to not fall into the push crash cycle.
And here we go again, but really,
It's the story of my brain once again mirrored or parallel in some other form that is helping me to understand the life I have long been so confused about.
That stinking broken brain of mine, that was so grossly misunderstood, was throwing off my gait and making it hard to keep things straight.
Push, crash
and other seemingly simple concepts and problems to solve to the professionals become much harder to overcome when they are so deeply ingrained.
And hide.
Hide the symptoms because you are ashamed and you will be judged, or berated.
...or simply things like you won't be allowed to learn how to drive corvettes racing style at the Spring Mountain Motor Resort. Stinking ankle.
...I do wonder if just as the ankle -initial injury was overlooked and misunderstood- needs to get worse before it can get better the brain may also have needed to get worse before it could get better? Needed to be broken again in order to be reset correctly. Man, I hope this reset is better in the long run.
but first I have a saying, and my kids hate it, so it must be a good one: "your not allowed to complain about it unless you are willing to do something about it."
but sometimes we complain because we aren't sure what to do about it. or even where to log our complaints. Sometimes we cause bigger problems by complaining... but now I am getting sidetracked into the philosophical unknowns that can turn into black holes
So I'll just complain.
My lower back sucks right now.
Walking again after so long of not and when some part of you is recovering from surgery is so much harder than I realized. Mine was just my ankle. A mere 2-3 inch scar that wraps the ankle bone is all that shows (not entirely true, it's swollen still and my calf muscle on that leg is still skinnier) Yet at 3 weeks able to walk again more things hurt now then did before or immediately after surgery.
My lower back hurts so bad and my heel, ankle, calf and all these muscles and parts of my foot, I didn't even know existed before, hurt. My gait is very off and has been for some time so it's throwing everything else off.
I'm so glad to be able to move again but I am still so limited in what I really can and can't do and it's hard to take it slow...and to not fall into the push crash cycle.
And here we go again, but really,
It's the story of my brain once again mirrored or parallel in some other form that is helping me to understand the life I have long been so confused about.
That stinking broken brain of mine, that was so grossly misunderstood, was throwing off my gait and making it hard to keep things straight.
Push, crash
and other seemingly simple concepts and problems to solve to the professionals become much harder to overcome when they are so deeply ingrained.
And hide.
Hide the symptoms because you are ashamed and you will be judged, or berated.
...or simply things like you won't be allowed to learn how to drive corvettes racing style at the Spring Mountain Motor Resort. Stinking ankle.
...I do wonder if just as the ankle -initial injury was overlooked and misunderstood- needs to get worse before it can get better the brain may also have needed to get worse before it could get better? Needed to be broken again in order to be reset correctly. Man, I hope this reset is better in the long run.
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Awakenings to sane things
I am meeting with my accident attorney tomorrow. I had thought to fire him. I have not been easy for him these last few months. I had to asses my fears and the why's for them. I had to talk to him, have uncomfortable conversations. He was patient. I have sure needed that.
And in the end I have realized my fears are and were being fed also by my condition... I was in state of distrusting everyone. My lawyer was a friend from high school and I love him, because that is what I do, I love people, but it is not a romantic thing it's an appreciation thing. I am sorry for the hassle I have been for him.
And I see that I am still coming out of this.
My brain is a fascinating place.
I am hearing my conversation with my brother-in-law and wondering if it is time to switch medication. See someone more specialized.
I did not want to do that until I really understood what was going on and what had happened.
That is where my Neuropsychologist messed up. He lost objectivity with me and that combined with the dictates of the rules, policies and procedures of his profession resulted in a dangerous place for my mind. I think he could have managed except he was forced to follow all these rules that were meant to protect him but at my expense. I think I was right all along, and so was he. Except that he misunderstood me and the strengths and weaknesses I had at that time.
I am sorry for this. And I am sad for this and I am sad every time I know that I have lost him forever.
I asked my lawyer if he could look over my medical records with me, help me know if I even need to worry about it. My brain has been stressed and scared because it did not know what was happening. It was scared that I had crossed over into a irreconcilable place. I have not been the same, my mood and cognitive stamina are coming up short. Too many influences and voices have been playing with my mind. That has been a problem for me before. It was why I used to not watch television much or read too much. It is why church is often times not a safe place for me.
I am still coming out of this shock and heartbreak. I am still not completely understanding what happened to my brain and I know that he has the knowledge and expertise and he probably could explain this in is intellectual way from a neuropsychological perspective. But he can't for me or hw won't. And that still hurts. And it kills me that he does not understand me. He does not realize all along I mean no harm I just need to understand what is going on with my head. I need to fix it. It has to be solved. It would not be wise to continue in my madness and the only way to not is to figure it out and fix what I can.
I have digressed once again. But as I was looking over the concerns of my medical records. The ones I need to meet with my lawyer about, I know that I was wrong. I was misinterpreting so much so very incorrectly when I was broken, hurt and scared, when I was still somewhat straddling two worlds.
I am sorry. It is why I did not want to file a complaint. I knew I was not right in my brain and I did not have the help to do it. I am so sorry. I really was not ready to mourn that loss. I will maintain that he was helping me so much and exactly what I needed. His work with me still is what is helping me through. He was so good at letting me philosophically wander but then reigning me back in....
I miss him. and I have made a mess.
but I really was doing the best I could all things considered and that is the irony of it. I was wrong in who I distrusted, I was wrong in my interpretations of somethings and I knew this was a possibility that I needed clarification on but in my mind I could not risk what I was wrong about, so I was confused and confusing and the very things that I was wrong about made me difficult to help while being the evidence that I needed help.
And this, my friends, is why mania does not mix well with reality. Proof in the pudding that we think we have it more under control then we actually do not.
And in the end I have realized my fears are and were being fed also by my condition... I was in state of distrusting everyone. My lawyer was a friend from high school and I love him, because that is what I do, I love people, but it is not a romantic thing it's an appreciation thing. I am sorry for the hassle I have been for him.
And I see that I am still coming out of this.
My brain is a fascinating place.
I am hearing my conversation with my brother-in-law and wondering if it is time to switch medication. See someone more specialized.
I did not want to do that until I really understood what was going on and what had happened.
That is where my Neuropsychologist messed up. He lost objectivity with me and that combined with the dictates of the rules, policies and procedures of his profession resulted in a dangerous place for my mind. I think he could have managed except he was forced to follow all these rules that were meant to protect him but at my expense. I think I was right all along, and so was he. Except that he misunderstood me and the strengths and weaknesses I had at that time.
I am sorry for this. And I am sad for this and I am sad every time I know that I have lost him forever.
I asked my lawyer if he could look over my medical records with me, help me know if I even need to worry about it. My brain has been stressed and scared because it did not know what was happening. It was scared that I had crossed over into a irreconcilable place. I have not been the same, my mood and cognitive stamina are coming up short. Too many influences and voices have been playing with my mind. That has been a problem for me before. It was why I used to not watch television much or read too much. It is why church is often times not a safe place for me.
I am still coming out of this shock and heartbreak. I am still not completely understanding what happened to my brain and I know that he has the knowledge and expertise and he probably could explain this in is intellectual way from a neuropsychological perspective. But he can't for me or hw won't. And that still hurts. And it kills me that he does not understand me. He does not realize all along I mean no harm I just need to understand what is going on with my head. I need to fix it. It has to be solved. It would not be wise to continue in my madness and the only way to not is to figure it out and fix what I can.
I have digressed once again. But as I was looking over the concerns of my medical records. The ones I need to meet with my lawyer about, I know that I was wrong. I was misinterpreting so much so very incorrectly when I was broken, hurt and scared, when I was still somewhat straddling two worlds.
I am sorry. It is why I did not want to file a complaint. I knew I was not right in my brain and I did not have the help to do it. I am so sorry. I really was not ready to mourn that loss. I will maintain that he was helping me so much and exactly what I needed. His work with me still is what is helping me through. He was so good at letting me philosophically wander but then reigning me back in....
I miss him. and I have made a mess.
but I really was doing the best I could all things considered and that is the irony of it. I was wrong in who I distrusted, I was wrong in my interpretations of somethings and I knew this was a possibility that I needed clarification on but in my mind I could not risk what I was wrong about, so I was confused and confusing and the very things that I was wrong about made me difficult to help while being the evidence that I needed help.
And this, my friends, is why mania does not mix well with reality. Proof in the pudding that we think we have it more under control then we actually do not.
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
A Guide Denied
a lot of tears through a lot of years
but Depression
that was not my problem at that point
that was why "I think we are off track"
he got lost in the Tao
needed a spiritual guide
but that he denied
because he doesn't believe in forever anymore?
Depression
...satisfied with his life, if he died today he'd be okay
I was his drug
he needed a hug
further he's dug
...he needs a drug
And I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to help
because it was supposed to be about me
not he
literally and ethically
not that I cared
but that I dared
to mention reciprocity
and seek for clarification
and his professional explanation
for the dogs that needed fed
then inside my head
When my buried hell was flooding out of my broken box
breaking down my walls
...kicking down doors
words that I don't fully understand coming out of my mouth
a guide denied?
but Depression
that was not my problem at that point
that was why "I think we are off track"
he got lost in the Tao
needed a spiritual guide
but that he denied
because he doesn't believe in forever anymore?
Depression
...satisfied with his life, if he died today he'd be okay
I was his drug
he needed a hug
further he's dug
...he needs a drug
And I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to help
because it was supposed to be about me
not he
literally and ethically
not that I cared
but that I dared
to mention reciprocity
and seek for clarification
and his professional explanation
for the dogs that needed fed
then inside my head
When my buried hell was flooding out of my broken box
breaking down my walls
...kicking down doors
words that I don't fully understand coming out of my mouth
a guide denied?
Monday, April 15, 2019
Dear Ex-Therapist,
Here is the thing, I understand what happened and it was a wild combination of a whole lot of things. the only thing I really don't know is how often you play with your patients. The very problem you thought might keep you safe from getting into trouble from playing with patients, from enjoying your job was the very thing that tripped you up this time.
TBI and I.
You toyed with me. and I played along.
This toy you told too much.
You allowed yourself to be vulnerable because toys have no power to hurt. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable in trying to protect your own ass.
it has backfired
because you built me up too strong to protect your ass, forgetting that your job was to protect mine.
Now I can't burn out and I cannot die
I can't even disappear for you because you built me to protect you.
....from yourself?
You are broken and hurting or you are hurting others for gain,
but either are not well by the Man Upstairs and in Indra's net.
You are far too valuable.
You have gifts and you are a magnificent creature.
Not just for me but for many.
I'm not sure what you are to do or the lesson you are meant to learn and I am not sure the part I am supposed to play... I don't want to be the judge in it. I don't really understand.
But I do know there is something that needs fixing and breaking me is not going to save you or fix you.
So please find your soul again and trust the gut that is good. You are not the bad dog, or the bad dog is not bad, you are fun, lively and playful. You are good at connecting with people. You care about people. You care. You love and have passion. You are intelligent and driven when you need/want to be. You are so very good at compartmentalizing and organizing. You are strong. You are compassionate. You are curious. You are creative and thoughtful. You dare to make mistakes, [though I am not sure you are very good at admitting when you were wrong]. You are determined. You are a beautiful man and you are very loved. You are needed in so many ways for so many people, and I think this wears you down. But you are better than you know.
I was sent to love and protect you the way I need to love and protect myself. I wish I understood that better and I am sorry I have made so many mistakes, I was not meant to do it alone.
This perfect storm will break the will of whatever it is meant to break.
I hope someday to talk again.
if not
I'll find you in forever
when you think you have disappeared
and if you are stuck in darkness please listen and take my hand when I try to pull you out.
...because I still believe in forever.
TBI and I.
You toyed with me. and I played along.
This toy you told too much.
You allowed yourself to be vulnerable because toys have no power to hurt. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable in trying to protect your own ass.
it has backfired
because you built me up too strong to protect your ass, forgetting that your job was to protect mine.
Now I can't burn out and I cannot die
I can't even disappear for you because you built me to protect you.
....from yourself?
You are broken and hurting or you are hurting others for gain,
but either are not well by the Man Upstairs and in Indra's net.
You are far too valuable.
You have gifts and you are a magnificent creature.
Not just for me but for many.
I'm not sure what you are to do or the lesson you are meant to learn and I am not sure the part I am supposed to play... I don't want to be the judge in it. I don't really understand.
But I do know there is something that needs fixing and breaking me is not going to save you or fix you.
So please find your soul again and trust the gut that is good. You are not the bad dog, or the bad dog is not bad, you are fun, lively and playful. You are good at connecting with people. You care about people. You care. You love and have passion. You are intelligent and driven when you need/want to be. You are so very good at compartmentalizing and organizing. You are strong. You are compassionate. You are curious. You are creative and thoughtful. You dare to make mistakes, [though I am not sure you are very good at admitting when you were wrong]. You are determined. You are a beautiful man and you are very loved. You are needed in so many ways for so many people, and I think this wears you down. But you are better than you know.
I was sent to love and protect you the way I need to love and protect myself. I wish I understood that better and I am sorry I have made so many mistakes, I was not meant to do it alone.
This perfect storm will break the will of whatever it is meant to break.
I hope someday to talk again.
if not
I'll find you in forever
when you think you have disappeared
and if you are stuck in darkness please listen and take my hand when I try to pull you out.
...because I still believe in forever.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Spirit animals and closed gates
The problem with suggesting I was not manic is that I will consider it.
And as I consider it...
My mind replays
I was embarrassed and it takes guts to try to resolve these things, they are proving why.
Yet they are the ones who are supposed to understand, who are trained to know. They are the ones I am supposed to be able to trust. It is supposed to be a safe place for me and my kind. ...And I suppose I am determined to fight for the humanity I believe in.
I have trusted them, trusted him, so much more than they have ever deserved. Continuing to hope they will be what they promised to be when they took their Hippocratic oaths and/or agreed to their ethical codes.
It is hard and I don't understand entirely what happened and why. I don't really know if it would be a good idea to talk with that man that has hypnotic effects but I can and do have hard conversations. I can and do hard things and I face my fears because I know that living in fear is no place to live while pushing through and coming out on the other side is far more rewarding.
I wish they understood this. I wish they understood this about me.
I am not after them. their power, their money, or anything else.
I am after me. I am trying to figure out me and they are the professionals that are supposed to be able to do that, I have paid them for their knowledge and training.
... I am off on a tangent...
But I will consider, because even in spite of their continued abuses and neglect, I will consider what they have to say and what my part is and what is right and wrong or at least what feels right and wrong to me.
I was angry when they said I was not manic. I was angry because it has been so difficult to manage and so hard to understand what has been going on with me and why. I have questioned it myself but as they would ignore me and/or be freaked out by me, as I would realize the stupidity of my words or actions I have to allow myself to accept that I was. And it is a hard pill to swallow. Then to be told I am making it all up... SO I went back, thinking and reading, the stuff I have not published here, and I consider; If it was not, then what?
As I considered I started to feel things again. As I read, I started wondering... started believing things again... that maybe are true and maybe are correct... but were denied by the other party?
I had to stop. And laugh. I had to laugh BECAUSE ...
Well I made a meme to explain it:
So I laughed because... I just don't think they really want me to go there and to believe that. BUT
Maybe I really was not manic.
They might want to talk to me even more than, because God's got words for them.
So you choose, me or God, who would you rather face and/or deny talking to or through?
And I'll stop at that because, even though this was just a part of the story and what was going on, that part is a path I'd rather not head down [again] right now. That is the path I struggle to navigate and the path that I speculate wants to pull me into complete psychosis. So while it was interesting and fun to consider, while at times I maybe need to be open to that path, when it leads to results like this I think it is best to close the gate to that path.
And I'd rather talk about it when I the gate is shut. Please don't open that gate. Thank you.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
reprocessing... again. but coming to the end
This last year has been too much
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?
Worse Case Scenario or Broken Like Me?
I was so much more broken than I realized.
I really have been like my ankle.
Standing and living as if I was strong even though I was not, even though inside, my tendon was breaking more as I both ignored and pushed through the pain and my misunderstood condition.
I am starting over again.
Trying to understand why they refuse to see the evidence of the broken me.
They are a place of psychology.
Coincidentally my physical therapist -whose first name is the same as my new counseling therapist- originally got his degree in psychology.
Physical therapist says I am still fresh in dealing with this and that was nice to hear. But what really got me thinking is when he asked me yesterday "What could be the worst possible outcome?"
... I think that is the problem.
I think this is the worst possible outcome and I don't really know what to do about it.
This, to me, is the worst possible outcome because I thought I was doing so well, but I could not communicate correctly so I got dropped, and then I broke.
My therapist may have been careless and irresponsible in how he handled the situation but that may have been because I was like my ankle and I appeared to be better than I was; not knowing how to really voice my concerns because I felt guilty and insecure for feeling them.
And I had grown attached. I knew how to handle my attachment and I had a plan but I was too insecure, to broken to know how or even that I needed to communicate my plan with him. The funny thing is, he did the same thing, failed to communicate his termination plan with me.
I was much more fragile than I knew as I was just realizing how broken I really had been for so very long and why. I felt I had knew hope but then the rug was pulled out from under me and I broke.
The breaking was painful and blissful at the same time.
That state of shock your body goes into when it is fighting to survive.
I went crazy but because I have experience with that it was misunderstood, by the one person who was not only supposed to understand and see it but whose job it was to protect and help me through it. But he didn't know how to handle me. The story of my life. He didn't see it, because I was not crazy, I was just functioning from a alternative reality. I was combining the worlds I was living in a bit too well OR he was also living in them but he did not realize it.
My brain has been a mess, a fascinating semi-functional mess, but a mess and a burden on others, which I hate to be, but I am. Especially with the ankle. I need to embrace the burden that I am, I suppose.
But worse case scenario? I am made out to be something I am not, I am misdiagnosed and misunderstood and I don't know how to handle it. So in trying to understand, trying to get those who are the professionals, the ones I am paying for, who are trained to know better than I but have made the mistakes -mistakes I am fine to forgive- I make tons of mistakes as my silly irrational brain is trying to make sense of all the parts and pieces and input and output and it's chemical surges. Worst case scenario, they don't listen and they act as if I am making it all up, faking, or they paint me to be something I am not and I loose my safe place and hopeful home of recovery altogether. Worst case, he denies everything and I am left alone to decipher and decide what to do about what I know to be defensive and offensive patterns that guilty manipulators and exploiters use....That I have to decide to blow the top off this thing or let it go, knowing I am not so special, not likely the first to be toyed with, he's likely succeeded in exploitations before and is very unlikely to get caught because he is so good at it and he knows how to cover his ass and tracks...
It is my worst case scenario... I don't want to decide that. I don't want to be caught in this spot. I still want to believe it was a comedy of errors with a man who was broken like me. Broken like me
I really have been like my ankle.
Standing and living as if I was strong even though I was not, even though inside, my tendon was breaking more as I both ignored and pushed through the pain and my misunderstood condition.
I am starting over again.
Trying to understand why they refuse to see the evidence of the broken me.
They are a place of psychology.
Coincidentally my physical therapist -whose first name is the same as my new counseling therapist- originally got his degree in psychology.
Physical therapist says I am still fresh in dealing with this and that was nice to hear. But what really got me thinking is when he asked me yesterday "What could be the worst possible outcome?"
... I think that is the problem.
I think this is the worst possible outcome and I don't really know what to do about it.
This, to me, is the worst possible outcome because I thought I was doing so well, but I could not communicate correctly so I got dropped, and then I broke.
My therapist may have been careless and irresponsible in how he handled the situation but that may have been because I was like my ankle and I appeared to be better than I was; not knowing how to really voice my concerns because I felt guilty and insecure for feeling them.
And I had grown attached. I knew how to handle my attachment and I had a plan but I was too insecure, to broken to know how or even that I needed to communicate my plan with him. The funny thing is, he did the same thing, failed to communicate his termination plan with me.
I was much more fragile than I knew as I was just realizing how broken I really had been for so very long and why. I felt I had knew hope but then the rug was pulled out from under me and I broke.
The breaking was painful and blissful at the same time.
That state of shock your body goes into when it is fighting to survive.
I went crazy but because I have experience with that it was misunderstood, by the one person who was not only supposed to understand and see it but whose job it was to protect and help me through it. But he didn't know how to handle me. The story of my life. He didn't see it, because I was not crazy, I was just functioning from a alternative reality. I was combining the worlds I was living in a bit too well OR he was also living in them but he did not realize it.
My brain has been a mess, a fascinating semi-functional mess, but a mess and a burden on others, which I hate to be, but I am. Especially with the ankle. I need to embrace the burden that I am, I suppose.
But worse case scenario? I am made out to be something I am not, I am misdiagnosed and misunderstood and I don't know how to handle it. So in trying to understand, trying to get those who are the professionals, the ones I am paying for, who are trained to know better than I but have made the mistakes -mistakes I am fine to forgive- I make tons of mistakes as my silly irrational brain is trying to make sense of all the parts and pieces and input and output and it's chemical surges. Worst case scenario, they don't listen and they act as if I am making it all up, faking, or they paint me to be something I am not and I loose my safe place and hopeful home of recovery altogether. Worst case, he denies everything and I am left alone to decipher and decide what to do about what I know to be defensive and offensive patterns that guilty manipulators and exploiters use....That I have to decide to blow the top off this thing or let it go, knowing I am not so special, not likely the first to be toyed with, he's likely succeeded in exploitations before and is very unlikely to get caught because he is so good at it and he knows how to cover his ass and tracks...
It is my worst case scenario... I don't want to decide that. I don't want to be caught in this spot. I still want to believe it was a comedy of errors with a man who was broken like me. Broken like me
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