This last year has been too much
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?
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