And as I consider it...
My mind replays
I was embarrassed and it takes guts to try to resolve these things, they are proving why.
Yet they are the ones who are supposed to understand, who are trained to know. They are the ones I am supposed to be able to trust. It is supposed to be a safe place for me and my kind. ...And I suppose I am determined to fight for the humanity I believe in.
I have trusted them, trusted him, so much more than they have ever deserved. Continuing to hope they will be what they promised to be when they took their Hippocratic oaths and/or agreed to their ethical codes.
It is hard and I don't understand entirely what happened and why. I don't really know if it would be a good idea to talk with that man that has hypnotic effects but I can and do have hard conversations. I can and do hard things and I face my fears because I know that living in fear is no place to live while pushing through and coming out on the other side is far more rewarding.
I wish they understood this. I wish they understood this about me.
I am not after them. their power, their money, or anything else.
I am after me. I am trying to figure out me and they are the professionals that are supposed to be able to do that, I have paid them for their knowledge and training.
... I am off on a tangent...
But I will consider, because even in spite of their continued abuses and neglect, I will consider what they have to say and what my part is and what is right and wrong or at least what feels right and wrong to me.
I was angry when they said I was not manic. I was angry because it has been so difficult to manage and so hard to understand what has been going on with me and why. I have questioned it myself but as they would ignore me and/or be freaked out by me, as I would realize the stupidity of my words or actions I have to allow myself to accept that I was. And it is a hard pill to swallow. Then to be told I am making it all up... SO I went back, thinking and reading, the stuff I have not published here, and I consider; If it was not, then what?
As I considered I started to feel things again. As I read, I started wondering... started believing things again... that maybe are true and maybe are correct... but were denied by the other party?
I had to stop. And laugh. I had to laugh BECAUSE ...
Well I made a meme to explain it:
So I laughed because... I just don't think they really want me to go there and to believe that. BUT
Maybe I really was not manic.
They might want to talk to me even more than, because God's got words for them.
So you choose, me or God, who would you rather face and/or deny talking to or through?
And I'll stop at that because, even though this was just a part of the story and what was going on, that part is a path I'd rather not head down [again] right now. That is the path I struggle to navigate and the path that I speculate wants to pull me into complete psychosis. So while it was interesting and fun to consider, while at times I maybe need to be open to that path, when it leads to results like this I think it is best to close the gate to that path.
And I'd rather talk about it when I the gate is shut. Please don't open that gate. Thank you.
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