Awakenings to sane things

I am meeting with my accident attorney tomorrow. I had thought to fire him. I have not been easy for him these last few months. I had to asses my fears and the why's for them. I had to talk to him, have uncomfortable conversations. He was patient. I have sure needed that.
And in the end I have realized my fears are and were being fed also by my condition... I was in state of distrusting everyone. My lawyer was a friend from high school and I love him, because that is what I do, I love people, but it is not a romantic thing it's an appreciation thing. I am sorry for the hassle I have been for him.
And I see that I am still coming out of this.
My brain is a fascinating place.
I am hearing my conversation with my brother-in-law and wondering if it is time to switch medication. See someone more specialized.
I did not want to do that until I really understood what was going on and what had happened.
That is where my Neuropsychologist messed up. He lost objectivity with me and that combined with the dictates of the rules, policies and procedures of his profession resulted in a dangerous place for my mind. I think he could have managed except he was forced to follow all these rules that were meant to protect him but at my expense. I think I was right all along, and so was he. Except that he misunderstood me and the strengths and weaknesses I had at that time.
I am sorry for this. And I am sad for this and I am sad every time I know that I have lost him forever.

I asked my lawyer if he could look over my medical records with me, help me know if I even need to worry about it. My brain has been stressed and scared because it did not know what was happening. It was scared that I had crossed over into a irreconcilable place. I have not been the same, my mood and cognitive stamina are coming up short. Too many influences and voices have been playing with my mind. That has been a problem for me before. It was why I used to not watch television much or read too much. It is why church is often times not a safe place for me.
I am still coming out of this shock and heartbreak. I am still not completely understanding what happened to my brain and I know that he has the knowledge and expertise and he probably could explain this in is intellectual way from a neuropsychological perspective. But he can't for me or hw won't. And that still hurts. And it kills me that he does not understand me. He does not realize all along I mean no harm I just need to understand what is going on with my head. I need to fix it. It has to be solved. It would not be wise to continue in my madness and the only way to not is to figure it out and fix what I can.
I have digressed once again. But as I was looking over the concerns of my medical records. The ones I need to meet with my lawyer about, I know that I was wrong. I was misinterpreting so much so very incorrectly when I was broken, hurt and scared, when I was still somewhat straddling two worlds.
I am sorry. It is why I did not want to file a complaint. I knew I was not right in my brain and I did not have the help to do it. I am so sorry. I really was not ready to mourn that loss. I will maintain that he was helping me so much and exactly what I needed. His work with me still is what is helping me through. He was so good at letting me philosophically wander but then reigning me back in....
I miss him. and I have made a mess.
but I really was doing the best I could all things considered and that is the irony of it. I was wrong in who I distrusted, I was wrong in my interpretations of somethings and I knew this was a possibility that I needed clarification on but in my mind I could not risk what I was wrong about, so I was confused and confusing and the very things that I was wrong about made me difficult to help while being the evidence that I needed help.
And this, my friends, is why mania does not mix well with reality. Proof in the pudding that we think we have it more under control then we actually do not.