I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
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