Push backs or spiral thinking?

Pay attention to the push back was one of the lessons I learned from the book I recently loved, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."

Push back last night came fast and angry. I felt ganged up on.
I was in the wrong, but not entirely and not just me.

"but" -does that undermine my accepting responsibility?

I don't want to circle think, I don't want to be feeling so insecure and second guessing myself so much. But I feel there is something to the push back.
Am I bpd? Is my husband? both?
Or do I just loose too much mood stability when I am past my 80%?
Is it both? or all?
And what do I do about it?

clearly husband...
...nope, no clearly there.

Do I allow myself to visit the reasons for the explosive and angry push back directed at my whole family? Do I validate and justify my pain and frustration? Or am I a bad person?

I feel like I am not allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I feel confused about this.
I feel confused often about how the words that come out of peoples mouths do not match their actions. Do I do this too?

I think to be human may mean we are walking contradictions.

Last night I lashed out with words
I felt backed into a corner
I knew I had made mistakes and I knew that I was wrong when
I was being accused of attacking while I was feeling very attacked
I was tired

looking back it is so easy to see now how I should have, could have, even would have, handled both situations differently (last nights and the night before -what last nights was about),
but at the same time I think I feel more angry and frustrated than sorry.

And I know the common thread is me
which just makes me more angry

...Maybe that is to combat the sense of worthlessness that started to flare up again?
Do I just stop fighting the feelings and working to prove that I am not worthless?

Last night I said to myself "I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to keep fighting this fight"
but with that, the only thing I could see was leaving.

...leaving I'm still left with me
I'm always left with me
Which may be what hell really is
If I don't solve this
-this issue of being a me that is unlovable

...and now I will be judged "feeling sorry for myself" "victimizing myself" "trying to manipulate"

withhold judgement please, this blog is for being honest, this is my safe place, and those words are not the words I use when I push back.
Am I saying that in other ways? Am I trying to prove to others that I am what I am feeling?
Am I my feelings because I feel so intensely?

round and round I go like bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi

...In the end I am still left with me
the common thread
that can't seem to get it right in caring and communicating
-what am I fighting for?
I'm not fighting to win, I am fighting to survive.