Keep upkeep

I'm in the midst of a very complex psychological web and I need people who can keep up. Most people will not be able to keep up. If you find yourself offended by that last statement then you are one of those. And yet more will be offended by that following statement and you now may be in that category of "can't keep up." But if you have found none of those statements to raise any suspicion you may also be unable to keep up with me as well. And by this point my own suspicion at my potential arrogance has offended myself so now I can no longer keep up with myself... which is actually probably more true than we believe is possible thus putting all offended and non offended parties that could not keep up back to square one so try to keep up and know that it only matters if  you want it to. Besides I can't really keep up with myself half the time either.
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am...  I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.

I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me