Too Much

I am... was too much...

That poor man. How was he to navigate me? Especially broken me in manic survival mood. Perfectly and beautifully balanced between heaven and hell. Speaking with gods while keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I am so torn.

Do I pity him? Do I leave him alone because I love him? Or do I expose him and let others decide what he is and what to do about it ...because he manipulated a patient to protect himself at the patients expense, one that was vulnerable, fragile and broken, when his job was to protect her, help her heal, put her best interest first... I speak in third person because these are not just my words and it is easier to face it that way anyway.

But the quandary. maybe I hope that getting it all out will solve my moral quandary. I published two drafts that were from a little while ago, kept them in their places chronologically. One I published and then pulled the other I had not quite finished. -Find them my few mysterious loyal readers, and I'd be happy to hear your two cents.-

Now I'll turn back to the me that was too much. "I think we're off track"... we're off track -these three word I said too much and not enough-
I said so much, so intense and coming from places I didn't fully grasp in his world that I didn't really understand, questioning rules and pushing boundaries I didn't know, fully comprehend, nor am bound to follow.

And I was strong and confident. ...at least it appeared that way.

I was strong and confident because at that point in time. my alter ego or my superpowers, had taken over.

"So this is all part of the job?" I don't think he answered. He tried to make is sound like I should have known, seen this end coming. "You're going to work to uncover my buried story and then you're just going to take it all back?"

I felt I was supposed to speak of transference because that is what all the crap I read said. I couldn't do it. But I'd heard a song that week. I am not sure if I had ever heard it before but it resonated. It nailed my feelings. It was too much. Too powerful and too easy to misinterpret. But it was what made sense to me in that moment and the easiest way for me to express what I was feeling.

Christina Perri's "Arms"

In black are the lyrics, in color are what it meant to me:

I never thought that You would be the one to hold my heart (Really, not something I anticipated. He was easy for me to talk to and I thought he was attractive but I was not looking for anyone to hold my heart or have anything to do with my heart. It was supposed to be about my head. But when he didn't want to encourage dependence and the human element caused him to push me out before I felt ready my heart broke and didn't stop physically hurting until I saw him again. I did not understand it.)
But you came around
And you knocked me off the ground from the start (I was always so impressed by him. His demeanor, and his knowledge. He may have been teasing when he said "you wanted the best" but that's what he was. He also knocked me off the ground because from the get go I was like "we should be friends" and he was like "it never works" and he had no interest. And it was always a sad disappointment because he was just so easy to talk to and I knew we'd have made great friends had we met under different circumstances, but I accepted it, it was a a disappointment but I was not hung up on it. 
You put your arms around me this was entirely figurative. He never did this, but it felt this way whenever I was with him. he was safety and comfort. 
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go that's his job, and I knew it, and I knew it was going to be hard for me. I knew I was getting attached but I was working on letting go. He just let me go way too fast and way to easy when I needed a transition. 
You put your arms around me and I'm home this is why I needed the transition. I needed a processes of letting go. I felt so comfortably at home with him in a community and culture where I seldom feel at home. 
How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drownI didn't really want to deal with what I was there to deal with. I had a hard time talking about it and I felt small, insecure, broken, worthless and so many things. It was confusing and painful the way my mind was reprocessing my life through a new lens of understanding so I'd easily allow things to get off topic. I'd turn the focus on him even because I found him rather fascinating, but he always brought got me back on track giving me something to think about and work on that was helping me understand and fix my my brokenness. But eventually I realized was not fully utilizing him as my therapist by avoiding and I had to decide to let his magic work. 
I hope that you see right through my walls I really did hope that he'd see this. I figured he'd understand better than me.
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling I felt like he already was catching me because I was doing so much better and his influence had been so incredibly positive, but I was already falling through the rabbit hole when I came to him and had so many times. I hoped he was catching me to send me back and keep me from wonderland. 
I'll never let a love get so close this was probably the worst thing I could have said if he was broken from his recent divorce, but it is what I felt, because I unknowingly let him get so close to my heart. I was much more broken, fallen, and attached then I realized or would admit to myself, which is why I broke. I am not sure how I let him get so close... I trusted him so completely and he was just so easy to connect with. but he was also a paid for service so I should not have gotten so attached and yet I did. 
You put your arms around me and I'm home
The world is coming down on me This is so hard, this part, because it was. I was so very very broken and I did not feel lovable. I was so buried and my sense of self worth so shot that I really could not see or even believe ...
And I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you I didn't.
But I can't make you bleed if I'm alone but I knew I had too. and I knew he was no longer my objective therapist, I even felt that I had hurt him. Hurt his ego, or his hope, or something so, he was bleeding because of me. If nothing else he was bleeding out $ because he'd given me a discounted rate. 
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth I would actually not say things because I did not want to encourage attachment. I would not talk about things that I felt were common interests or bonds because I did not want to feed a connection I already felt was going to be difficult to walk away from. I would not talk about anything that I sensed caused him pain or connection. I also figured he had figured out that I was experiencing transference before I had figured it out. I thought he had realized what I had been denying to myself. 
And I've never opened up this is misleading because I really did not open up in the typical way a patient/client opens up to there therapist. I was barely getting to that point because most of it I had buried or forgotten anyway. I couldn't have. I had not really opened up or shared much with him that I had not shared or was willing to share with others, rather I had opened up my heart and was open to trusting him so completely. I was open to the connectedness I felt. I was open to his idea's, his training, his conditioning. I have literally never opened myself up to allowing someone to have that much influence over me. 
I've never truly loved 'till you put your arms around me Again, the arms are figurative, I just felt that way with him. As far as "never truly loved" somehow I understood better how to love myself and others because of his influence, demeanor or what ever. That and, I wish this were not true and it may just be the therapist relationship, but I really have never felt such a profound connection to another person. 
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go yep
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
You put your arms around me and I'm home"

BUT we interpret things the way we will. probably it needed to be broken down better. Probably it would not have mattered though, he had already decided, for whatever reason and maybe many,
he was done with me.

He had decided my fate and it did not matter what I said or did at that point, he wouldn't hear it. The intensity of this song likely did not help. It would have fed any reason to distance himself. His reply was "You love me?" inquisitive, schoolboy tone. to which I replied, "yes I fall in love with people all the time, it is not an uncommon theme with me" Somewhere, at some point, (I'm sure it's in my notes but I don't remember exactly anymore) I said "but you are something different, you are something special." 

too much

I had tried to tell him though, the direction my research had taken me, and the intensity of my emotions and chemistry. That part I did not fully understand and I did not think this was a reciprocated or romantic sort of love anyway. Maybe a touch of romantic from me, but I also understood the reality of the transference and that this very likely was something different then that. I sensed that it might be reciprocated in some way but I doubted that sense. I figured it for what it likely was, my own screwed up and far too intense chemistry. I did know, at very least, that this doctor of psychology would know better. He would understand it. He would know what it was and where it was coming from, and why it was messing with my mind and body so dramatically. He would know if that damned car accident knocked me farther out of whack then I had anticipated. He would know if my brain was like my ankle. 

...but...

He didn't hear me 

...on the 12th of November. He had decided then. Now it was just about protecting himself. Why did he entertain my crazy? Why did he play with me?

that is the mystery that perpetuated the cycle of my mental instability and still does to some extent. I am immensely bothered by the fact that they will not hear me, they make it about him. Maybe the field of psychology is a farce. A game. Like everything else

That is what the wealthy and powerful figure out that the rest of us have not, it is all just a silly game and if you want to get ahead you have to play to win. 

...lost track, maybe focus, definitely out of time, but I publish now and come back to edit later if time permits and I feel so inclined because my goal is to get it out. Get it all out. the truth, the reality, no more attempts to protect, at least not here, in my space, the man who forgot that his job was supposed to be about protecting me. not him. and had he stayed focused on that, been honest, he'd have seen, had realized, I was never out to get him. Never. and his insecurities about trouble from me are the trouble. If you go looking for trouble or if you are certain it's trouble, that is exactly what you will get... kind of like: "if you think you can or you think you can't your right." 

I'm sorry I could not be the nothing you needed to be... You were my therapy and

I am only human