When it was all still very fresh I felt upset and alarmed in the dousing defensive communication cycles pilot class we were participating in when withdrawal and cutting off were brought up as red level (abusive) defense mechanism in communication. I was upset and alarmed because that seems to be the stock and protocol solution to a therapists fallacy of countertransference.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
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