My son has been doing alliteration exercises in his English class. He thinks they are fun. That is one thing he and I have in common. I also adore alliterations, only my son likes to end them at two or three words and I am like, "you got a good thing going, don't stop there." ...or maybe I'm more like, "you gotta good groove going guy, lets give it even greater gusto!"
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
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