I Want To Ride My Bicycle

On Monday I had the follow up after the neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. Nothing terribly surprising to me but a few things surprising to her, like my reading comprehension is lower than she expected. I agree and this is a source of some grief and frustration since it is a task that is still noticeably more difficult than it was prior to the auto accident. My reading comprehension has always been very good to excellent but after the first TBI I believe I had a marked decrease because throughout my life after that I have been a slower reader and much more easily distracted by my thoughts thus I often had to reread things. Yet, it has never been as difficult as it has been since the car accident. It has improved and sometimes my power of concentration on reading is better than others, but it is noticeably lower, which is annoying.
My cognitive stamina showed to be lower and my processing speed is lower. This is, again, something that I know was a bit lower prior to the car accident but is noticeably lower after the car accident. The strange thing is, immediately after, some of my processing speed actually seemed quicker for a bit. Now I am just slower.
To be clear, I am not slower or lower than the average person in most of these deficits of mine, I am just significanlty slower and lower than would be expected based on the measures of my intelligence. My verbal language something-or-other is also lower than to be expected but, again, not surprising due to the location of my injuries. I have long felt I struggle to articulate to my level of intelligence.
Anyway a bit of rambling that I did not really come to write about. I think this may be some avoidance...
So into the meat, my real purpose today.
A couple of things on the report upset me. It was the language and explanation of my results according to the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventroy test. I knew when I was taking the test what some of the questions were getting at and I was concerned it would paint me in a light that is not accurate of me as a whole, but, being the being that I am, I had to answer honestly and due to my recent circumstances I am (or was at the time of testing) a bit untrusting, to say the least. But the wording in the results is very negatively worded and very stigmatizing. Anyway, it upset me. It is bullshit spreading of misconceptions of mental health issues, particularly bipolar. It had me feeling down and I wondered if I can trust Dr. She. It had me questioning her and her intentions. I was second guessing myself and my judgement again.
but
but
But
I decided
I am done.
I am not going to let people dictate anymore who I am based on their ignorant and bias misconceptions or preconceived notions. I am also not going to hide me anymore. I get hurt by being honest, and people judge me sometimes because I share way too much. But the thing is, and dear mirror sister Renée once again helped me put it to words better, people are blaming, shaming, judging anyway, so I might as well speak out, speak up and live my truth. At least then I am standing up and speaking out about issues that are important to me and I have found that very often I help someone else by doing so.
Monday I also decided that I am done with carrying the burden of knowing that dear Perri Cherie could be a grooming psychologist and/or brilliant manipulative mastermind.
I have a lawyer (that I did not want to hire but had to to defend myself) that said  I either have nothing or a thousand things. I reminded him of the letter from their lawyer and he knows I have a thousand things. It is overwhelming. But he is working on what he can and I am feeling better about waiting to file the reports I know I need to. He does have to make it about money, it is his job and livelihood, so I can be okay with that and really we deserve to have some of our expenses and burdens from this rectified.
But waiting to file reports, waiting to try and stop or prevent harm to others is a heavy burden. Knowing how I was handled and how much harm they collectively caused burdens me significantly knowing that other very vulnerable and broken people might be being harmed as well. And it haunts me a bit because "you know others are not as strong."
So I did what I could and wrote an honest google review and a few other reviews on Dr. He. It is not what I want to do it is not what I want to believe, but as Jordan Peterson and others points out, as adults we need to put away our childish naivety... I cannot ignore all of the red flags and the deviance. I cannot keep ignoring how he has used everything he can against me and has work to paint me in a bad light just to cover and protect himself. It cannot ignore the inceptions and the twisting of my thoughts those symptoms they were denying.  Or the way things were twisted and then accusing me of twisting things that I did not (like my son calling them when I told him not to and then they have a lawyer accuse me of "causing my underage son to call"). I cannot keep giving them the benefit of the doubt when they have hurt me and my family, disregarded me, tried to discard me, used me, played games with me, etc. every time I have asked for help and clarification since the events that transpired with Dr. He that broke me.
Whatever is happening there is bigger than me, that much I am sure of, because they have worked very hard to keep me silenced and to deny any mistakes and wrongdoing even when doing so was causing significant harm and could have cost my life. They have shamed and blamed me, feigned care while ostracizing and then exiling when I could have been a highly beneficial case study for them.
And I am done blaming myself or allowing others to blame me. It is so ridiculous how all the literature, philosophies, rules and guidelines in psychology say I should not be blamed and yet in reality I am not only being blamed but also shamed, stigmatized, slandered, and silenced.
I am done being broken by this.
Medication is working and I have worked hard to stay ahead of my chemistry and the madness that was raging inside and out. I have put in the time and energy and it is time for what I have been working so hard for to click.
So Monday was something like learning to ride a bicycle;
I have been working so hard for so long, understanding the mechanics and physics of it, knowing what it is and how to do it but just not quite having the balance right to actually ride this allegoric bike.  So when I was faced with what felt like another hit to my balance, I looked at the bike and had to decide, do I want to give it up and be done trying to ride a bicycle -I'll just stick to walking- or do I give it one more try? With determination I decided to try and I got it. I was able to balance it out and ride. I let go of the tethers that have been burdening me and holding me back and I let go of everybody else's' fears, their "ohs," "ahs," and their lurching forward "becarefuls." I said, "to hell with all you all that say I should stick to walking and/or that don't think I am capable." I got back on the bike
tried again
and rode upright on two wheels without any outside assistance.
I felt positive, and happy. A happy that wasn't my chemistry pushing back against medication.
A weight lifted knowing that I have done all I possibly can trying to reconcile and address what needs to be addressed on my behalf. I have gone above and beyond trying to reconcile, giving the benefit of the doubt, and seeking first to understand. I have put them before me. I tried to do what they asked every time. I honored there positions and training. I tried to have intelligent and responsible conversations about what they were missing and what I was trying to figure out. But ultimately they are scared and dishonest when they are the ones holding all the cards. Exactly what I stumbled onto I really don't know. It is too bad they cannot see the value I could be to them, because it was the muscle memory of handling trauma and damage from the first TBI that picked up on their deviance even before I did. My brain has figured out tricks to help accommodate for things like slower processing, emotional instability, distractibility, language recall, etc. and these tricks caught them red handed long before I was willing to admit their deviance. So I am satisfied with the effort I have made and I am even proud of myself.
Happy, confident, secure in who I am. I am allowing myself to be proud of me and what and how I have managed with so much opposition.
Will it hold this time? So much of this sounds so very familiar doesn't it?
Honestly, I don't know, but also I do and the answer is not likely black and white. This time I have the stabilizing help of accurate diagnosis and medication. I also have determination. And I have the knowledge that I have done this before and I can do it again. Maybe I have not broken to that level and I have been forever altered, but through it I have learned so very much about myself.
 And I HAVE overcome before. I can do it again.
This time with new understanding and insight and even more power than before because, this time, I am overcoming powers that are far greater than me.
I got this. And I am proud of me.
I will choose to trust again. I will continue to love.  I will continue to hope and pray for the Neuroscience Institute and the providers I had their. I will continue to hope that others will see that I am not so scary. But now, if they don't or won't, then that is on them and I can still love and be happy with me.

mapping holes continued

cont from yesterdays commentary:
...And lets not forget the malevolence of my treacherous heart. The malevolence in me that would have abandoned my husband and kids for a man that was using me as a toy. So there is a form of malevolence in me that is shocking... Fortunately I was simply a toy to this man so the opportunity to shack up with him was never there because I am far too vocal and risky for someone whose intentions are malevolent.
It is a bit comical really
After the Purple Rain incident Dr. She (my neuropsychologist therapist) said my subconscious is really mean to me. It really can be, logically piecing together all the mean and negative things people have had to say to me and about me and ways I have been treated to prove that I am of no value except for in dying.
And yet, at the same time, my body and subconscious have this amazing will to live as my deep subconscious picks up on threats and annihilates them with safe guards like breaking the way I did when Dr. He's intentions with me were not what they were supposed to be. When he was playing games that were meant to satisfy him and his needs my brain reacted in a way that put so many safeguards up there was no way he'd continue down that road with me.
And I saw through his mask. He did not like that I did not only see what he allowed me to see. (His exact words were, "you only see what I allow you to see.")
and he did not like that I continued to try to solve when he had told me not to try and solve this. (His exact words were, "I told you not to try and solve this.")
And things such as this make me wonder if it really was not entirely mania and a bipolar manic situation but rather a bodies fight or flight response with heightened awareness and a brain driven into overdrive in an effort to self preserve and protect. The fight mechanism fully engaged because what was happening was far more than even a non broken brain can handle.
What was happening?
1. Flooding of memories
2. Brain fog and emotional irrational responses finally lifting enough to handle the other realities of injury from the car accident like the ankle, hip and back. And the PTSD
3. Realizing my cognitive stamina may never be high enough to effectively handle an elementary classroom full-time without compromising my health. In other words; facing the reality that I might have to give up the career I loved, was good at, and just barely getting into in full capacity.
4. Falling in love with one's therapist for the unhealthy and healthy slew of reasons (and/or relationships) for which that happens.
5. Dealing with and trying to understand the TBI that had been misdiagnosed in it's severity without knowing that at that point.
6. Trying to do it all with a lack of social, emotional, and family support as documented by Dr. He himself in his report of me. (which also happen to be attributes that make me a prime target for grooming)
So maybe an extended survival fight is a more accurate description of the mania I was experiencing? Regardless, according to the definition of mania, the shoe fit.  https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

Mapping Holes to Create the Whole

I need to be focusing on my dad and my husband today because it is their day but I am so distracted by my thoughts.
My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
 One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
 I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about  money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
 I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across

And the only reason I am writing about this at all is because of the PTSD style reaction I get when I start exploring this idea of going to graduate school to become a psychologist myself. It actually physically effects me; my heart speeds up, I am visibly shaky and I have a hard time focusing on what I am reading. I feel nervous and insecure and I distrust the professors automatically... which is probably why I am avoiding it. It is beyond ridiculous but it is what is happening and it is what it is. No point in beating myself up over it. Instead, I am hoping as I dissect irrational reactions like this I might keep inching closer to whatever it is that I am destined to do with this bizarre life of mine and to whomever it is that I am meant to be.  

No Pain No Gain: when to push and when to back off

Dr. She says she is not surprised that I don't remember the medication. She says considering all the stress I was under and the medication itself it is not surprising or even all that concerning that I don't remember it.
I do feel better about it after this conversation.
We also talk about pain.
Renée and I talked about pain yesterday. I am so glad for that conversation. Renée calls me her mirror  sister because there are so many ways we mirror each other. It is funny that she has problems communicating and finding words at times because often she helps me find and/or remember mine.
Part of this pain theme that was discussed with both parties is the need to feel pain and that pain is a form of communication. We need to listen to what the pain is telling us. Sometimes it is telling us that something is wrong. Sometimes we need to push through while others times pain is what lets us know that we need to back off. Sometimes allowing ourselves to feel the pain is how we purge our system of the trouble that pain is an indication of. The pain I am feeling from rejection by people I love and care about is kind of like this. Even though I care about them they do not care about me, which hurts a lot, but also lets me know that they are not really friends or healthy people to have in my life. They reinforce negative core beliefs I have had about myself and this needs to be purged. Renée has beautifully taught me this.

Right now my hands, especially my thumbs are a good illustrations of pain, how it communicates to us and how to handle it. I am doing physical therapy now and the guy I am going to is amazing. If he were a horse trainer he'd be considered a horse whisperer, so I sometimes refer to him as the Hand Whisperer.
He has been causing a lot of pain to my right hand, it is still painful a lot but it is at a point in its healing that the pain needs to be pushed. He does not want to mess with the left hand much because it is still very broken. That break you can see on the x-ray. The right hand injury is older but amazingly it also did not break any bones, just a ligament or two...or more. The pictures is what it looks like today. Hand Whisperer taped it to help retrain and to help encourage swelling to go down in some areas that are still swollen. I am seriously amazed and impressed that through the stretching, exercising and a technique called myofascial release I have had instantly increased hand strength and less overall pain. It is most fascinating because the exercises and myofascial release techniques are painful. He is a causing pain and discomfort to both decrease pain and discomfort and increase strength and the results are amazingly fast and obvious. I have only had two PT appointments with the Hand Whisperer and already I can open things again using my right thumb and index finger. I could not before within the same day.
He is working wonders.
However if he did not have proper diagnosis and was pushing my left thumb the way he is now pushing my right thumb it would not lead to positive results but could very likely cause significantly more damage. And if you notice, although it was bruised at first it looked about the same as it does in the picture I took of it today when they took that x-ray.

This is what broken thumb looks like today

And this reminds me a lot of other broken parts I have that have experienced significant pain lately. Proper diagnosis really is crucial. 

One Thing Broken Brains do Right is Fight

While going through our medicine cabinet I found a prescription for Abilify (generic version) written to me from June of last year.

I found this very troubling.

It's been about two weeks... and it is still quietly nagging somewhere in the back

Because I don't remember it. But I do remember that Dr. She mentioned that medication having not worked for me in the letter she wrote to the psychiatric PA when she realized I needed that help and fast. I remember telling her that I had never taken that medication, at that point I did not know why she included that in the letter, where she came up with that idea....

This is really bothering my head. 

Because obviously it had been prescribed but I don't remember that and I don't remember if I tried taking it at all. 

It had been prescribed by my family practitioner PA. The one the noted "possible mania" the day after my last appointment with Dr. He, just before we were leaving to Italy. 

So I asked for the medical record notes from the day it was prescribed... but even with that, I don't remember her prescribing it or the conversation about it. 

There are 27.5 out of 30 10mg tablets left in the bottle. Which means I took 2.5... But I do not remember taking it at all

And this really bothers me.

I was such a mess I don't remember it.

I vaguely remember the appointment. She was the only provider I had left that was at least trying to help. But I think at that point I also thought she was not the "right" doctor for what was going on with me... I was still, somehow, insanely trusting the things said by Dr. Concussion -especially that I need a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist. In my brain (and most other people) they, meaning those at the Neuroscience Institute, were still the more qualified and appropriate doctors. I am not sure if that is why I only took 2 and 1/2 or if I really responded badly after only taking 2.5 tabs... I can not even pretend to know because I can't find the memory... And I was working a new job, and that was going badly. 

This bothers me.

I already feel broken and beat down. 

And I have to keep reminding myself that I am not as worthless as I feel. I have to keep trying to find the good and the positive in spite of the beat downs, lack of support, lack of concern, lack of friends, lack of a job.... and reminders of how screwed up my head really is. 

Today I am not winning.

And I am trying to remember how to pull out of this... But also realizing that maybe I have never been that good at it because I keep loosing...

loosing friends, loosing family, loosing confidence, loosing jobs, loosing ability and loosing with the people who say they are there to help. 

the common thread 

is me

Yes, I see

no need to point it out. 

No need to reinforce

I already know.

...and yet I still try to be kind and I still try to help and love others... even those who don't love me.

And I know that I am far better off than so many people in this messed up world...

But so many people, too many I know, are better off without me...

and I am tired of "getting it" 

maybe I am mad

maybe I am sad

or maybe I am bad

for not being what they all really want me to be

Gone

...

and I want to end there. I did. but my resilient and defiant broken little brain just yelled at them, "shut the fuck up you jack ass mother fuckers." 

Sorry, no edits this time. My brain is fighting for me and I am going to let it win even if it is ugly and unacceptable, even if it is angry, even if it isn't what everyone else wants me to be -even if it's not what I want me to be, look or sound like...

Because at least my brokenness is still fighting for me. 

Dear Doctors, TBI? DO AN MRI!!

So there are many things that many people don't seem to understand about my situation, including and most damaging, the medical providers. Here is the main thing:
I am still trying to piece together what really happened to me. What really happened to my brain and when.
Some people seem to think the "what really happened and when" doesn't or shouldn't matter. They think I need to look at it as "this is the brain injury you have, so now you deal with it."
Well, I am trying to. You would think that much would be obvious.
But even so, I sometimes feel very angry that they expect me to just accept that "we don't know" because the reality of the "we don't know" is that WE COULD HAVE KNOWN. We could have known exactly what the damage was from if they had done an MRI immediately after the car accident. We could have possibly known if the next two doctors I saw about it had ordered an MRI. And AND this is really kind of a big deal, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN right away because the fact that I have permanent scaring suggests I was at very high risk for complications that were not being monitored.  Dr. Reddy (Concussion Dr. at the Neuroscience Institute) was wrong to not order an MRI herself even though it had been 4 months since the car accident before I could get to her, but she was right about one thing: I should not have been working (which led to my being fired from that job in a very unfair and traumatic way).
And honestly this is as far as I go tonight... I am tired of trying to figure it out and what to do about it and yet it seems so very important to figure out.
Soooo many things could have been prevented if that first doctor at the North Ogden IHC Instacare would have ordered an MRI... Actually, maybe first fail was with the ENT ambulance drivers that gave me the option to go in the ambulance or not. Don't expect a person who was clearly hit in the head, is overly emotional, confused, and is struggling to make a decisions, to make the decision about whether or not they should be taken to the hospital to have their head checked out.
And if you or anyone you know is ever in this predicament, please get your head checked out!

Turning points and tough decisions.

the chemical ups have definitely subsided. I am much more stable...
but I feel as though I am loosing some of that stability again because anger is exploding from me a bit...
I AM ANGRY
And not just about me and my shit but about the shit that too many people handle and how we are all so damn shitty at helping each other....
I AM MAD
I am mad that I am so powerless to do anything about the inaccuracies, false accusations and even straight up defamation in my medical records.
I am mad about how my kids have been effected. I am mad that my son is alone and lonely, that this experience has resulted in him feeling and becoming somewhat isolated. How the hell does a 13-14 year old boy explain to anyone the anxiety he is having because the medical institution that his mom loved and trusted had the cops sent to his house and he was led to believe his mom had committed suicide after he had an altercation with her.
It's too much for a 13 year old boy to watch his mom go manic and then fade into a depression that was so mind altering that she was not the same person she used to be, but rather a screwed up version of his mom that is in a love with another man that happened to be the medical provider that had broken her and she is trying to protect him when he is lying about her condition to those that could help her, she is unstable but trying her best to not be, and she is so suicidal from it that it was impossible to hide although she was trying her best to and to not be that also.
That is too damn much for any child
and I am sad and angry that he has had to go through that. I am sad and angry that I don't know how to handle it or how to help him now. I am angry that I know space from me is probably a good thing for him. I am sad and angry about that because I love him, he is still my young son, and he is so important to me. I am sad and angry because so many things have been canceled that finding any good opportunities with peers his age this summer is very difficult and, so far, also very far away. He wants to go. He deserves to go. ...It is expensive... but more than that, I will miss him and I will worry about him... And I want to keep him. I want to make things better... that I cannot make better... no matter how hard I try. I can not fix the way things have happened or his pain.... I cannot even seem to be able to fix my own problems. And he is loosing faith in humanity at far too young an age because of it.
...So I need to let him go, I think, and this is hurting me more than I care to admit to myself...
I am tired of handling this. I am angry that my kids having to handle this. They already had the burden of handling my broken and exhausted brain... I am tired of doctors that are supposed to help me untangle what was made a mess by other doctors. Other doctors that have done what they can to cover up the mess and make it appear like I was the one making all the mistakes and tangling things up...
I am sad about the strains my breaking and this mess has caused my relationships. Relationships that have also impacted my children. I am not the only one who has lost friends through this. I am sad about how big of a mess I was. I am sad but also still know, that then, I really was doing the best that I could. It was the first time in my life that I knew I was doing the best I could. I am not sure that I am anymore. I am stable but I am a coward and I am confused on how keep proceeding and especially on how to help my kids that have also been affected by this.
...I will miss my son terribly... I want to keep him here and plan our own adventures and work on the projects that got lost and abandoned amidst this chaos. I want to teach him and love him... But that may not be what he needs right now since he wants to rebel against me, angry about the situation,  but also wants to love me and protect me and fears how his actions affect me while feeling resentment that they do. So sometimes he pushes buttons and then feels terrible about it. He is a good kid and I know deep down he wants to be the good that he is, but he needs a break from me and my brokenness... Which is very sad... and I am sad... and this is not really what I thought I needed to process, but I see now that I do in a big way.
... Yet, while it is sad,
you know what,
at least we are all big enough to admit it, face it, and do something about it, in a way that is moving forward with thoughtful regard and consideration for all parties. And ultimately I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate his being there for me and trying to do what he could when I was fighting for my life. I appreciate how strong he is and has been and how clever and talented he is. I appreciate how capable he is and that he loves and cares for others even when it is hard. And, even though I had asked him not to, and they did use it against me (and him) the way I feared they would, I am so incredibly proud of my son for having the guts to call the institution and at least try to talk to the man he knew was responsible for the breaking his mother.
I am one lucky mom.

Pain in the Ass. You want something to beat me up over? I'll give you something to beat me up over

I've had an upswing in reads on this blog. That is nice to see. And I really have to take that little victory today because I am so tired of taking hits in my realtime world.

Dr. Tangled, that was a kind of jerk at my follow up appointment with her, requested my husband schedule an appointment when he called asking for clarification. He scheduled it thinking she wanted to help correct whatever went wrong with that appointment. But it seems she actually wanted us to come back just so she could exert her dominance, accuse me of doing so many things wrong while at the sometime blaming the TBI but making sure I knew just how crappy she thinks I deserve to be treated. We did not feel we should have to pay for that appointment. But this morning her office manager called to let me know they will be charging for that appointment. Now remember my husband is the one who called them. I sent an brief email, but he called. He is stable and perceived as such while Dr. Tangled accused me of being anxious all of the time and other things, yet they chose to call me and not my husband. 

And I am so tired of feeling like it is all my fault, I am the problem, and always to blame entirely for these omnipotent providers acting like jerks.

I think some of this may be reflective of bigger cultural problems.
But I really don't want to go into that too deep right now.
Even before this phone call (and the one that followed from the next person up the line that went about the same)  I had a hard time getting out of bed because it kind of feels pointless sometimes, so this hit is at a bad time. And her office director, as nice as she seemed, had to make sure I know that Dr. Tangled does not get complaints like this. Of course she doesn't, TBI patients rarely file complaints, they usually just absorb it, feeling like they deserve it. But more than that it, I find it highly likely she is being influenced by the defamation and slandering of me in the medical records that follow me... So of course I deserve to be treated like trash, that is what I have been diagnosed as by the Neuroscience Institution that is of more significance than her practice is.

... People are so lemming like and predictable. They repeat the same stupid patterns at every level. The same patterns are being seen on larger scales with all the insanity that is happening in the world right now. The corporations and big names are jumping quickly onto bandwagons to show how much they care when in reality they are doing nothing to help and often further perpetuating harm by jumping on bandwagons that are condemning too many people who are not bad.
Like Black Lives Matter. Of course they do, but how does Amazon stating that on their website help anyone? And how are protestors glaring, shaking their signs aggressively and yelling at us in our car as they march past helping with that? I am not on opposite sides as what they proclaim to be protesting yet they were definitely making sure I felt their wrath with me. But for what?
I am tired of people so aggressively defending their misjudgments of me. Just because you want to think I am something or one way does not make me that way.
Although this type of treatment of people does often result in, or makes it appear to result in the person turning into exactly what they are being accused of. I think the movie Zootopia  covers this topic very well. People often finally give up and give in with an "if I can't beat them I might as well join them" style attitude and I see very clearly why. It is so hard to continue trying to prove that you are not what you have been wrongly labeled or accused of being especially if you know their is some accuracy and especially if the people accusing are in positions of power over you. I have mentioned this before, this happens all of the time to school children in school systems. It happens with race, it happens with poverty, it happens in families, it happens ALL THE TIME to girls and women who are sexually abused and/or exploited,  and it also happens ALL THE TIME to people with "mental illness."
The most vulnerable among us are far too often blamed more than they are helped. This experience has taught me a lot about victim shaming and my eyes have been opened to just how huge of a problem it is. So victims turn into abusers themselves. Or they continue on the path that was set for them because they cannot escape the labels and misjudgments.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want to become what they want to make me out to be. I don't want to be what I have been misunderstood and misjudged to be. But I also refuse to lie down and take it anymore.
So now what?
Celebrate my small victories, keep standing up for myself and speaking out, and (as Dr. She would say) fight harder.
Yes ma'am.
Will do.
And tomorrow I will not have a hard time getting out of bed because I obviously have a job or two to do.
I WILL NOT burn out. I WILL NOT continue to allow people to treat me poorly. I WILL stand up for myself. I WILL keep speaking up and speaking out and I WILL warn others every chance I get until changes happen that also protect and help me and until I know I have done everything I can to protect every person possible from similar mistreatment.
The man up the line from Dr. Tangled's office director said they will be billing insurance but then call after we get a bill to see what we can figure out. I can tell you this, especially considering that they are still billing insurance, that if they seriously expect us to pay after the way things went then it is very unlikely that Dr. Tangled really does not get complaints like this. If I really am the only person who she has had a problem with, than waiving that bill to be rid of me is the most likely response. However, if they want to fight with a peon like me and accuse me of being the entire problem, then we all know it's not very likely that the claim that this doctor "never gets complaints like this" is true. Or she is afraid that if she lets one person "win" she will have to let all of them "win" which is usually only a fear to those who have wronged many.
...Maybe I am going to turn into the pain in the ass I have been accused of being. Maybe I need to let people see just how big of a pain in the ass I have NOT been...
I don't know but I do know I do not deserve to be treated the way that woman treated me and also be expected to pay for it.

Intertwined Rewind

"Have you ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist?" It is the question I am being asked as part of the pre-paperwork for my neuropsychological evaluation that will be done tomorrow. I think back... Have I?
Oh yes, at age 18 when I spent the night in the place in Florida... oh, and I have one other time by the doctor of the study I did to get help with what I was experiencing in a way that would keep it hidden from records. I went this route because by then I knew too well how that stuff will follow and haunt you. How opportunities will disappear and judgements will become quick, severe, and unjust.  So I knew it was best to keep it as hidden as I could and going through a study would do just that. Good thing that study doctor liked me well enough to help me stay hidden for years -until I really no longer needed a psychiatrist. Do I share that now? Of course, because I was evaluated by a psychiatrist, I do remember that now, and I am no longer interested in hiding and/or burying that part of me because that has led to some trouble...
But when? The paperwork I am filling out asks for when...
I really cannot recall. I know an approximate within 5 years but thats a big spread. Then I remember this here blog and I think maybe I can find a more exact time frame...
So I find myself reading the very old stuff. A lot is the same. A lot is different. I am surprised at how the pattern of hypo-manic cycling is so similar to the manic crazy I went through- just not nearly to that same level. I am reading and remembering
...and then I am crying as I see pieces of me that were so clearly reflected back at me by that man that broke me...
I was even "okay with being wrong."
And now I am fighting words that curse God because this mess is so painful and so very confusing.
I don't want to fight that man. I don't want to be at odds with the reflections of me in the expert in the field of my life's defining trial.
It is too much.
And I hate that I have to remind myself, tell myself, or convince myself that it is not real, that he is not real. I hate that I have to keep fighting that in my head in order to escape whatever that was that I am not allowed to be a part of. I hate that I have to hate.
My story is his story in so many ways and his story saturated mine. I hate that he denies and hides   after twisting things just so to make me believe that he cared and cares more than he does.
Please oh please stop professing your love by having nothing to do with me outside of therapy.  
We both know it's not true so please let me off your hook, please help me break the cycle you started.
It really can be just that simple.
I don't need to keep getting burned in so many ways by the medical records that can't sort themselves out just so I can burn out for you.
Please

...and I don't know who it is reading this blog but I am certain it is NOT him... yet sometimes I still hope. Hope that he'll care, listen, soften his heart and his ego, let go of his fear and hear me.

Tangled too Much today

Right now it feels like too much to untangle. I have an appointment with Dr. Untangle Neurologist tomorrow. She requested this appointment when my husband called to see if he could get some clarification from her. The fact that my husband did this at all is huge, and yet I don't really know if I can trust it at this point... so that is tangled. I feel nervous and worried about this appointment. I think I know at least some of what I need to get from it but I have no idea what to expect and I feel she has picked up some of the bias that was planted against me from the records she "poured over." So this feels tangled and ...scarey?
I have an appointment today to have my hip looked at by the right specialist... Why did the other guys waste my time and take my money if they weren't even the "right" specialists? And last guy said the tear in my hip labrum is not likely from the car accident, yet it never bothered me before that and has been an increasing chronic problem ever since. I asked if it could have been a smaller tear made worse by the car accident. He said that is very possible and to me it seems clear that it is the case because it NEVER bothered me before, but will the insurance company accept that?  ...So this is tangled also.
On Wednesday I am doing a new neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. I am nervous about this. Part of why I am nervous is because the testing the Cognitive/Speech therapist did with me last week triggered memories of Dr. He which proved to be quite painful. It seems so silly and it caught me so off guard because obviously he is still on my mind a great deal more than I would like (any at all is too much) so I would not think new painful feelings would arise, but they did, and the worst kind of all; the endearing ones. So that is tangled.
It is also tangled because I am sensing things from Dr. She that I am not certain of but that make me nervous. I am sensing those feelings that may just be her own insecurity but that feel like the feelings I feel when someone is becoming to afraid of or displeased with me and so they are thinking of dropping me... I know, or believe, that Dr. She is not going to drop me unexpectedly, she has promised she would not, but I am sensing things that make me nervous. Things that I might be understanding better than she cares for me to so if I bring them up I risk loosing her but bringing them up just might help me figure out what I am doing to loose people when I sense these things. ... I don't know.
Also I am feeling lonely.
I want friends again. I want to do things, but I have lost some friends in very painful ways and I feel very insecure and uncertain about this.
And I want to pursue those things I have set out to do, but it feels scary and pointless because I have failed so many times.
And I don't want to fight I want to resolve. I don't actually want to be on opposite sides as the Neuroscience Institute, I want to help them help me and others, but they see me as the enemy when I am not, which makes it so I have to fight when I don't want to...
"I am always surprised at how many people want to see you fail," says my amazing cousin that has been through more than anyone should ever have to endure but has risen above and created a name and a business for herself. She is so kind and she credits others in her journey constantly. She is beautiful but humble and one hell of a boxer, yet deep down inside I know she never quite made her Olympic goal because she is too caring and considerate, kind and compassionate, so even though she is one amazing fighter, she's not about hurting others and I think she'll never punch hard enough to take away their dreams. She is younger than me so I always think of her as "girl" but she is a strong and amazing woman who I admire greatly and look up to so very much, so it kind of blew my mind that she has felt that too, that others want to see her fail and how they have treated her or things they have said to discredit or subtly undermine her efforts.
When I feels these things it often breaks me. I find it hard to even try. Sometimes it really feels like there is no longer a point to anything I do...
Yet I know this is not entirely true and I keep trying, I keep fighting...
But lately, I feel like I am fading again. Only this time I am more slowly fading into the blah of low confidence and complacency. Last time I was fading because I was not well and very broken. Last time I at least knew I was doing all that I could do. When I was fading before and told the people who were causing or heavily contributing to that fading, I at least knew, first time in my life, that I was really doing all that I could do and the best I could do. I was not beating myself up for not doing enough because I really was working hard and doing all that I could do as I was fading into the insanities and brokenness that I was. My fight was to survive... And now I want to thrive so
this time I am fading because I feel beat down and defeated. I know I can do more but I don't know that their is any point in trying since my efforts are wrought with resistance or just plain ignored. I don't feel like trying because maybe they are right about me and maybe the reality in the middle is that I have nothing of value to offer and I am not worth anyones time.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I want to believe in the ideal
I want to believe in me
I want to shoot for the stars and maybe hit the moon...
But maybe I shot for the stars and hit them
and now I am all burned up
because I was never a star myself
Just insignificant matter that will burn up completely and quickly in the event that I get too close to the stars I am shooting for or past.
....
.....
.......
.....
....
...and now it is time to turn it around again. Get all positive and motivated. Believe in myself or at least a higher power that I can allow to work through me
...which is very easy to tangle in our mortal frames,
so... go there or don't?
"keep fighting"
and
"fight harder"
but I don't want to be a fighter, I want to be a lover.
So...
Keep trying.
Forgive myself
and keep trying.
It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to make mistakes.
But it is not okay to be okay with being wrong and making mistakes about others that are harmful to them and then perpetuating harm instead of admitting you were wrong or that you made a mistake. It is not okay to lead others to believe that which you are wrong about simply to hide and protect yourself from the mistakes you made. It is not okay to blame and shame the other person for your wrong and your mistakes. That is really not okay and not good citizenship. It is especially wrong when you are in a position of power over the other person.
Hmmm... my bad parenting of the other day is starting to make more sense. I bess be careful that I don't become the fingers I am pointing and the frustrations I am fighting.
Psychology- so complex and yet so repetitively simple.

Dear Careless Therapist,

Every morning I wake up having to fight you, even this much later. It is very annoying. Especially since I am not really sure what the fight is and what it needs to look like. I just know that you are in my head when you wish me dead and I wish for you to be gone out of my head and my heart.
It is also very annoying because I don't know what the real battle is. All of that got very convoluted when you lied and denied about what was really going on with me. You would think this would make it clear to my head what the battle is but there are many things that complicate this: You are the professional with the PHD education, training, and experience. You are supposed to be the one that knows the truth and can diagnosis accurately. You are the one that is and was paid to do this. You are trusted and I trusted you. I handed over my faith and confidence to you so that you could walk me through the healing, education and understanding that I needed. I loved and trusted you. I was highly and extremely vulnerable in many ways when my brain was literally broken and damaged. I was experiencing PTSD. I was having a flooding of memories that I had suppressed or forgotten and this flooding may have been directly related to the work we had been doing to "uncover my buried story."...Many things going on to complicate and these are just a few...  I also wanted to or needed to believe what you implied you felt about me; needing so desperately to be loved and accepted as some of the realities of my struggles in life were suddenly being understood through the lens of the under-treated and misunderstood TBI from my past. But the thing that convoluted most is the fact that you were actually helping me. So hard for me to fathom why you would suddenly have nothing to do with me AND try to make it appear as though I was doing wrong by trying to understand why my brain had and was breaking to the new level it was.
So many times I had told the people at your institution the things I actually was trying to solve but they blew me off, you blew me off, instead trying to pass it (and me) off under the false pretense that I was mentally ill but not in the way I was trying to explain. It was made to look like I was merely obsessed with you and that was primary to the actual and real problems that were manifesting; that of a more severe TBI that I had tried to explain again and again to so many providers and you. But nobody was listening. Instead I was branded and handed over to people who cared even less and whose job is to set things up for gaslighting and/or a corrupt cover of ass and tracks in the event that one does try to pursue legal action. You call them "office director" and "patient advocates."
I believe I could have moved on and not be battling EVERYDAY the things you said if I had not and was not experiencing the symptoms you deny and if I did not actually have the conditions you and the concussion doctor denied and/or ignored - concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for brain and car accident related injuries.
But I am stuck in this reality that you twisted and tainted for me and that follows me medically in my records. It is not very fair as I try to untangle and put together the puzzles pieces that were misinterpreted, mishandled, and misconstrued from the very beginning, not only by you and your institution but by others. Not terribly surprising the first to blow me off and misdiagnose was also an IHC provider, which does make me wonder if Concussion Dr. was covering and hiding things from the beginning.
And then lets add to it the the manic burst of energy I tried to show and explain to you. The breaking of the brain to the next level, possibly due to my ability to access that reaction out of self-preservation when what was happening was more than I could handle.  When I told you I was not sure if I could go back to teaching because of the lower cognitive stamina and when I told you that my personality was still changing too much -a full year and then some, after that second blow (another thing I told you)- you simply said flatly, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," and then continued with also taking away you. Another loss for me to mourn. Another blow to my head and my heart. It was too much as memories were flooding and rational reasoning returning enough to know that I had been handling the injuries poorly by trying not to burden and cause undue expense when I was literally broken in more ways than all had assumed (or wanted to keep hidden to cover mistakes made from the start). Or was I so good at hiding and handling my injuries since I had been conditioned to for years since the first TBI because I was "one smart cookie?"
So complex.
Yet you said your life was "very complex right now," and to that I say "you have no idea." Although I am certain you do because of the lengths you were willing to go to hide whatever it is you are still trying to hide.  Which is another burden on me, knowing that you are hiding and that you may also be manipulating other clients who are also broken, vulnerable, loving and trusting.
So the battles wage on. Every morning that I wake, every night as I try to fall asleep, in the day when I am reminded of you, which happens easily since you are now tied to my chemistry; a de-ja-vu when my feelings go up or down. A mess that intrigues and fascinates but that no one can quite understand... Many will dump me for it, choosing instead to blame me and jump on your wagon, because it is you they are afraid to distrust. Why? because what would that mean for them if the medical providers and/or therapists that they love and they trust were to do something similar? It is unfathomable, unthinkable and since I have long been followed by conflict and tension, misunderstood in the intelligent intensities that come with a self-solved broken brain it is much easier to say it is me anyway and escape any further ties to a woman who just might be unstable...
So unkind. So unfair. But it does not matter because I am nobody of significance and no-one I know dares speak up, no matter how many times I have put them first nor how I have loved or adored them. I have made myself second class so why would they stand up for me anyway?
Maddening and yet I understand and so I still love them regardless of how they treat me because of you... the reaffirmer of my second class status and worthlessness.
And round and round it goes.
Dear Careless Therapist, Dear John, Dear schmuck that manipulated me (me, a prime target for grooming) simply to protect himself,
I know and I understand that you don't really love me, don't care and are not nearly as brilliant as I thought. Or maybe you are but much more diabolical, manipulative and clever in your charisma than anyone else knows or dares to see and for that I am truly a threat. If I can see through you than others might too and your games will come to a disastrous end... I understand this about you but do you understand about me how very easily all of this could have been avoided if only you had been real and honest with me, if only you had not lost objectivity and/or stopped the manipulative games. I could have and would have forgiven quite quickly -I already had, so many times over.
I could have even helped you...; Although now I see how that could have been even more disastrous. Me helping you, believing in you and loving you the way that I did, would have helped you to be an even more convincing con artist as I would have pointed out the holes and the flaws that you made misunderstanding the me that I was. With my help you would have then been completely undetectable, unstoppable, and indestructible in whatever games you wanted to play with the unsuspecting, broken women that trust and love you in your position of power. Considering how this whole deal has been handled and what I have been made into by you and your facility, I see that this may be a very real possibility when prior I thought it might simply be the product of my manic broken mind.
And it saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me because of the power you have and the responsibility and accountability that you and your institution entirely refuse when you know you were being quite reckless and you know that you have the upper hand in just about every way.
It is no wonder I wake up tired and I am annoyed with myself for still feeling the feelings I do and still wanting to believe in you and your dishonest institution.
Dear Careless therapist this is now why I want to go into your field, so I can stop abuses like this and people like you, or at least bring to light the harm your kind can and does cause when how "countertransference" is handled is so abusive and unnecessary.
Sincerely,
Erica Vellinga Saxton
I do not hide nor will I, because I have nothing to hide nor should I be ashamed or shamed by others. And because I openly invite conversation from anyone about you and this topic.

-tired head poetry

At the end of my journey. I care to think.
But it seems never ending because of the shrink
ing of my brain
that really has happened.
Evidence proven on the MRI although I knew all along
but still wanted to deny.
Because then I don't have to think
about snowboarding and riding
motorcycles
or other cycles
across treacherous terrain.
And I can just keep pretending, just like everyone else,
that I really am just fine.
Miraculously recovered because neurologist 1, Dr. Church, who killed himself by-the-way, did say he was very pleased with how my young self was doing.
That was enough. Satisfied the parents. No need for anything else.
...then hit again.
Still intelligent when the
"One smart cookie" I was
 said, "you should have seen me before."
because I was more.
more brain power and size
not shrunk from broadside
hit of the airbag that deployed all of its forces to "protect" my face...
"protectors" now all the deflectors of my care
protecting turned into betray.
Trust who I must
turned into dust
and I am left grabbing at thin air.
Which just isn't fair.
so unaware
of how harmful their games really are?
But they know. evidence in just how far they will go
to cover the freak show they carelessly continue to grow.
My head is tired. Tired of spinning and trying to sort all the pieces of
the culminating event. the yin and the yang, the messages playing out just as clear as the days they belonged to.
I don't understand the carelessness of that man and it breaks me again and again. I want him to be gone and my brain to be sane entirely again. but the sane and insane to contain will always remain because the feign of the trained was entirely too much for my broken brain that wanted to believe the feign and the game.
Untangle the tangles that you are not allowed to touch... Sort out with the sorts that are out.
Its not fair
and so unaware
of just how vulnerable you are
when you are hit by a car
and then people will take things too far
while defensively claiming you are,
At a time and in a place where all will agree
that blaming the client shan't be.
Countertransference implied
and then denied
Why does he hide
with no explanation or apology for the now implied misunderstanding?
So bizarre
the cancer you are
to my head
you are determined
to have dead.
"not I," said the kitten
when the big red rooster asked "who will help me let it burn out?"
...but "not I" is a lie because I did at least try
but I just could not help me die.
Even when God says
I maybe should try
to be all that is asked by this guy.
...that I know has talent and skill for the mentally ill that are that way due to TBI...
...But I will not try! thanks to Jesus man guy from the institution of younger years
And I will not try because I would rather not die
and I would rather like to believe
in the way we can change the world for the better by helping each other,
and sharing our truths no matter how hard it may be and
the reality of the ostracizing and stigmatizing that must be faced in order to be the change I must be to help proceed with the change I wish to see in this world.

To be or not to be? Die for a cause or live for change?
that is the real question 
And still I know the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality
and maybe, just maybe, that is really who/what needs to die
the fantasy of that guy
and the amassed amount or manic emotions and memories
But he will not let the fantasy die, no matter how hard I try
the fantasy won't die
because reality is absent
...because very well I present?
when I am presenting.
Maybe he still wants the fantasy to cling to-
better I die than the imaginary, the presentation of my flattery,
And the pride inside
of the egos' held by "the best"

Untangling the Mirror Neurons

So I decided after the last debacle of an appointment I didn't care that the place I wanted to go to first and all along does not take my insurance, I was going to their neurologist because at very least the communication with my psychiatric PA would be easy since they are run through the same university medical system.
Now I embrace my TBIness and jump-a kind of "kersplat-splat" communicating as my dear friend Renée calls it.
-Mirror Neurons
I think that TBI magnifies those a bit.
I think that TBI makes us a bit more childlike
I think that TBI is actually what made me an effective and talented elementary school educator.
I kind of understand better how their little brains are working and processing.
I get that when our little kiddos repeat something it does not mean they understand it, or at least not completely yet. It means they are processing and trying to learn. It means they have or might be picking up on some portion of the concept and they are hopefully making progress towards a more complete understanding. I would utilize this as a teacher and use it as a tool in the reverse. I would have kids repeat things to try and help it stick. I would ask them to repeat back in their own words. I would have them repeat to a friend or try to teach the concept to each other. I would listen to how they repeated and ask clarifying questions to make sure I really understood where they were at in their learning. Now I can't take full credit for these teaching strategies because I also learned them in my teacher training college courses, but I can say most teachers I know and have worked with don't quite understand the significance and mechanisms of how and why these strategies worked. Many teachers did not utilize them fully or very often. My TBI also helped me understand that there is usually more then one way to do things. This understanding is also highly useful in working with children. It is important for them to learn if we actually want them to become creative problem solvers and not just rote conformist robots.
Here is my theory: A TBI works something similar to a child's brain because a child's brain is still firing all over the place and, as their brains develop and learn, their little brains find the fastest most efficient routes in processing and preforming different tasks. Kids' brains are working to develop the super highways of processing that adults have developed so solidly. Adult brains have learned to work so efficiently, taking those same neuro-pathways, that we know a whole lot about what area of the brain is is working and responsible for certain tasks. Adult neuro-pathways are so established and so efficient at the job they do that it can become extremely difficult for people to think outside the boxes that they were wired and trained in.
But the TBI brain has had to learn neuroplasticity. When one part is injured that is best suited for that task our brains do their very best to find a different way. So in that way, our brains can function a bit more like a child's developing brain.
And that is not always bad thing.
But it is terribly misunderstood.
Even by the professionals within the industry. Which is why they really should listen to us in more respectable ways. We are not stupid, in fact on the contrary, our brilliant broken brains can make connections that non-broken brains don't even remember exist. Sometimes at hyper speeds.
Mirror neurons are another beautifully brilliant tool we have... that sometimes causes problems, as we sometimes are not fully aware of, why, how and how much we are mirroring. We can also become easily sidetracked and forget where it is we were really trying to go. This can be good for those around us if they understand it, but it can also lead to easy abuses of us. We can be redirected fairly easily but the emotions of the other person. I believe this was happening to some degree with neurologist Dr. Untangle as her preconceived notion frustration or her misunderstanding me impatience definitely took me off track.
This happened very definitely with that one guy, Dr. P-Dr. He-Dr. Jackass or what ever I call him these days- I was easily derailed from what I was desperately trying to show him and the subject that I knew needed to be addressed, the very reason I was saying, "I can't loose you right now,"  because I was reacting too extreme, there was something more going on with my head, and I was, in fact, manic... But mirror neurons really liked that man, and went easily off track with him.
And TBI is likely why. But I had been misdiagnosed, it was being called a concussion, which is not small thing, but is not the same as a permeant, visible on MRI, damage causing TBI.
I can explain that too.
But mostly, if it had been recognized for what it was in the first place by the first doctor, I would not have been fired from the school I worked at, at least not the way I was, and many things would have been handled very differently, possibly even how I was handled by Dr. Jackass Perri. Sorry, Dr. Jackass, that you have progressed to that identifying tag, but I am sure you understand why and YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE IT... which actually brings me to another not-so-negative thing about us TBI'ers- I can call you that and mean it but also still love you and easily forgive with a willingness and ability to move past it for the good of all involved. We don't hold grudges the way others do. Maybe not at all. Sometimes maybe we should. I digress, but we have been broken open and we know and understand very well: human foibles, that people actually can learn and change, and that people are not as bad as the mistakes they make.
Your welcome. Also, we are either not as, or more, smart ass then we can come off... but we are definitely not as arrogant as we can seem. And these things make me laugh,  maybe in my broken brain-laugh at inappropriate times- kind of way. And maybe only I and my broken brain friend Renée actually get my sense of humor, but that's okay with me.
And I just have to add one more thing about those mirror neurons we TBIers are extra sensitive to, If you think we are being a jackass or stupid it probably has more to do with those mirror neurons reflecting back you back.

Your therapist: The scariest person you will ever meet

Dr. She is now officially the scariest person in the world to me.
And here is why:
Fortunately for me, my husband recorded the appointment that went so badly with Dr. Neurologist. Feeling hopeless and alone again I sent an email to Dr. She and asked her if she would listen and help me process it. Please help me understand what I am doing wrong. Help me "untangle" all of this.
Dr. She responded very quickly saying she would, moving my appointment up and telling me it's okay and that I don't have to figure this out alone.
I don't have to try to figure this out alone...
"that's good says my husband"
and it is... but she is the only person who has said this to me.
This is why we get attached to therapists.

We need help and we need people to care enough to help us figure out the hard stuff
but too many of us don't have that
add the depth and complexity of all that makes me me, TBI, intelligence, concern for others, ...bipolar...
and not many people are willing to say that
far less mean it for longer than a day.
But honestly, I think that is the first time in my life, ever, that someone has said this to me...
Except maybe my one friend who has tried to be there through this. She has said I don't have to go through this alone. That is so very nice too.
It is nice to know you are not completely alone when you are so very alone.
But Dr She is a paid for service. and I don't know how long she will really stick around... and now she is the scariest person in the world to me
because I need her so very much...
Just like how I so desperately needed Dr. He and his expertise... when he needed me to be
Nothing
It's scary.
This is very, very scary.

Miss Under Stood here -present... wait, what was the question again?

New Neurologist.
I was hopeful. I had decided I like her. I gave her lots of credit....
I should know better than to do that by now.
Basically, I can't start climbing the mountain of dealing with my TBI until I untangle the mess that was made of me by the Neuroscience Institute.
That seems to be her prognosis.
But then when I ask questions because I need clarification and because I AM trying to untangle that mess she tells me there is no organization to my thoughts and that I am talking in circles.
But then she has the dates wrong about when the MRI was done in relations to the accident.
And she took the first 14 minutes to explain, in circles, that it is not her policy that I cannot record our appointment and that she is not even sure why that is a rule and she didn't think to ask, but she is basically on the same page as me, and it is not her policy, and she probably should have asked.... and around and around for a good 10-15 minutes...
So am I really talking in circles or is this a bias and a stigma, that goes along with the location of the TBI damage? She suggests it is.
And I ask for clarification on this, but it is to tangled with the other stuff, for her to be able to clarify, I guess...
And then I am talking in circles again... when I thought I was rephrasing my question...
and around and around it goes,
she can only address the tremor and monitor, but she has no answers
because she didn't know me before and it is too entangled...
and I have to untangle it, which is what I am trying to do,
and she has not even explained encephalomalcia with gliosis or why the other neurologist was worried about seizures...
She is confused by some of the questions I ask for clarification on, things that concussion doctor had told me. She is concerned about how I was treated and wonders if she needs to report things but because I have hired a lawyer (who, at this point, is clearly not doing anything) and I have talked about reporting -which hasn't happened because I have been waiting on the lawyer who clearly isn't doing anything; and I tried to explain that too but she was too glad to feel that she did not need to report, she says she will and has no problem with doing that, but again she thinks it's already being handled.
Oh what an unmanageable mess this is turning out to be. She does not seem to understand that we need to start at zero with my understanding of the TBI since it was obviously misdiagnosed. She at least confirmed that, that the damage that I have would not have been from a mTBI, aka concussion, but rather from a full blown TBI.
sigh...
At least that.
And my head is hopeless and tired again. and what the hell does it all mean??
TBI is irreversible I can just learn to accommodate, not heal, like Dr. Concussion said was possible at the end when she was telling me there was a good chance my TBI's would not even show up on MRI, I think that was clarified. Does location of injury effect mood stability? She seemed to be saying it does but my attempts for clarification on that were again, misunderstood...
My husband can't explain what I was not getting but he is still mad at me for not getting it...except "I'm not mad" he growls ... And around and around it goes... when it stops no one knows.
loops and holes and the growing noses.
Oh, So that's why their noses were so big! At least some clarification there. At least that. But man, the confusion in trying to treat and even work with me because I am still trying to get clarification on what the hell happened to my head from those who can't answer because they "weren't the ones treating me at that time" and the the medical records received are quite convoluted and defamatory.
Yes, misdiagnosis, "defensive medicine," and false allegations and accusations to cover are a problem.
sigh and bye

Discriminating taste

I have to confess something, something that catches me by surprise occasionally and frustrates me about me.
I hate being stereotyped and stigmatized. I hate being discriminated against for my ailments. I hate feeling the subtle and not so subtle changes in attitudes and perceptions that some people manifest when they find out that you have a "mental illness" or mental health related issues.
I hate it so very much and it is especially difficult when you have the intelligence to know how you are flawed and the intelligence to pick up on the discrimination, ostracizing, stigmatizing etc.
But the confession... I do the same thing.
I am prejudice against my own disorders, against my kind.
...And I don't like being lumped into the same category as those people.
I know a few people who have bipolar and I don't like some things about them that I know are directly related to the illness they have. I wonder if I am a bad person for feeling these things and even wonder why I feel these things. I am scared of them myself half the time. Or am I disappointed? Disappointed with how they handle or how I do? Or am I disappointed that even with them I can still offend and not fit in?
I wonder if this is normal for all of us that have these problems?
But I also sincerely wonder if maybe I really do not belong in the same category because mine seems to be directly linked to TBI. I wonder if a strictly biological bipolar may be different than a TBI bipolar?
Manic, I fit the definition of. I was manic. But I did not loose touch completely and I was composed well enough to hide it. Or had I just conditioned and trained myself well enough? and that is why I feel some annoyance and frustration with others?
But I also think there is some association to the level of breaking and the age of the breaking. As I have said, prior to this, I think I had not gone much above hypomanic. And I am much older, with much more experience under my belt... I have also chosen to distance myself from those things that can be triggers. I don't embrace a trigger so easily. I'd rather not be in that consent battle. It is something people in my family and many of my local cultures and subcultures really do not understand. It is why I am not so stalwart and involved in the church that I was raised in. Spirituality and religion can be very slippery slopes for a delicately balanced brain... I have found more peace and stability with some distance and yet that makes people very uncomfortable. But my overly spiritual and scriptural associates that have similar issues I feel pain and embarrassment for... and I find myself feeling my own discriminating feelings...
Maybe I am projecting my own insecurities onto them? Maybe it is a fear of what I may actually be or come to be?
My mind and heart want to figure this out and be at peace with them and me. Be at peace with my association.
And yet, I don't really want to think about it right now at all. I just want to be a fun mom again. And I want to have friends again. But I also do not want to be that me again. I want to be more free and more accepting of all that I am. I want to love my perfectly imperfect.
...and truthfully, I want to feel loved, valued and accepted.
I suppose I have some work to do still.
And who is still actually reading this anyway? And why?
Check in now and again if you don't mind. I'd love your feedback

If you want to pull the wool you might destroy the sweater.

"It is all three, isn't it?"

I still talk to that place in my heart that he allowed me to keep him. 

Allowed

there just may be more to that than you (my blog audience) know.

I have tried to kick him out of my heart but he knew how to root himself deep and I was so broken that at times those roots that broke me were somehow the only thing holding me together. It is a strang place that no rational and fully stable person can ever really understand. 

... and I will be made out to be crazy for the things I am not crazy for 

Even after and when they deny the crazy that I was...

November 12, 2018

I made a mistake. I talked about my husband. I explained how what we (Dr. P and I) had been working on had helped me in my relationship with my husband. 

He was not happy about this. He changed on me. The spark in his eyes was gone. He was cold and distant. 

One of two possibilities: 

He had developed feelings and caught him off guard 

Or

It confirmed I was non-compliant with his efforts to subtly turn me into his own personal toy

Either way, he was done with me.

But with a strange plea of "don't disappear on me completely"

to which I pointed out "you are breaking up with me and I am not happy about it"

Then he, "unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."

and later, "I told you not to try and solve this." 

I was not compliant again. 

and he was scared. 

I could see it in his face. I could see it in the paleness and the picked off scabs of a stress break out. I could hear it in his replies, implied but neither confirmed nor denied. Rehearsed or influenced by some of the same articles I had found and read about transference and countertransference? 

I could hear it in his struggle to regain the balance of power.

I could hear it in his over compensating when he looked me straight in the eye and declared, "I am not scared of you." said the way every person does when they have decided to confront their fear and have to lie to themselves until they start to believe their lie. 

I could hear it is his chastising, "that's not funny," when I laughed about the insanity of a bipolar personal contact that once, while in a manic state, believed one companion to be God and the other to be the devil. 

I could hear it in his direct, loud and firm command to "stop emailing me" and in his back peddling softened reply of "they are too deep and they can get me into trouble" when I reacted in a way he may not have expected -a way that suggested I have dealt with that kind of forcefulness plenty and I may not be so inclined to respond the way he'd hoped since I knew those types of bold threatening tactics too well. 

I could hear it especially loud and clear in his final statement, "so we can agree to a clean break?"

And yet, still he could not resist testing those boundaries, checking to see if maybe I might be more compliant or more interested, and maybe just maybe, after the confessions of the depth and complexity to my transference and the the suggestion of mania, maybe just maybe, he hoped that I might manifest those with the paradoxically desired but condemned sexual advance by the patient.
I could see these.
I picked up on this.
As childish and naive as I was in those moments of managed manic magnificence I picked up on the manipulations in his playfulness,  the moments when he forgot he was scared, and could not resit playing with the child that I was, mistaking me for an adult themed toy. Tempting. It was far too tempting

and it worked to his advantage (it always does, he knows these games well and plays them regularly, I have seen it more than with just me) 

Control, he regained by playing, turning me into a game again.  Because I trusted and loved. 

But my instinct was awake and bold. It took liberties and spoke for me at times, long before I knew what I meant. 

And my will to survive, my fight and flight responses heightened by the risks and threats that the mania was immune to, they picked up on so many things. My heightened senses and rapid processing working at superhuman levels picked up on every subtlety, nuance, inflection, movement, energy... the entirety of the situation would replay in my brain for months and months to follow, not missing anything in my brains quest to solve what was happening to itself and why. The mysteries had to be solved. His "I'm okay with being wrong" was not okay in his misdiagnosis. 

Was the missing of the mania intentional? Did he break me? Or was I already broken and breaking? Had he developed feelings of reciprocated magnitude and intensity or was it the mania (that he had overlooked) suggesting this to my desperately-trying-to-settle brain? ...Or was he really and truly a diabolical grooming therapist that dropped me when he saw that I was not compliant and I broke because of it? Did I break because, even though I was not physically compliant, the grooming had worked on an emotional level and suddenly grieving the loss of him was too much for the physiology of my brain since it was coinciding with  PTS (post traumatic stress), TBI realities, and a flooding of returning memories?  

"I told you not to try and solve this"

"I don't need more friends"

"I don't believe in forever anymore"

"my life is very complex right now"

"I could lose my license because of you"

"...I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy."

"I would have to agree to it"

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"

"why? are you a stalker?"

"what we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up." (really, who says that?)

"I connect easily with people"

"I am okay with being wrong"

"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same"

... And I feel like, in his cryptic way, he may have been trying to warn me, that he would do whatever he had to, to hide and cover anything that would reveal who he really was and what he really was up to... or was it just that he would cover anything that could potentially threaten his livelihood...

I would love for clarification- I am not afraid of the conversation and I am not the one hiding or trying to hide the truth.

But... I will repeat, the best liars hide their lies in the truth. 

Which makes me think

"It is all three, isn't it"

Grooming, countertransference and the breaking of me and then denying it (mania). ... maybe it is more like 4 or 5 things, 4 and 5 being a whole lot of mischief. 

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

Oh, but I see so much more and I see through you- And he knows it. He makes the command in hopes that his statement will pull the wool curtain over my manic heightened perceptiveness. 

Parenting after Mania and the Psychology of role reversals

What is most bothersome to me right now is how this wild ride has affected my kids and my ability to parent them...

It has been so hard on them. To watch their mom first break and become emotionally unstable, tired, foggy, forgetful, etc from a car accident and the PTSD* that followed then to watch her break a thousand times worse from a therapist.
...

"It is not normal for people to fall in love with their therapists," my son expresses to me about a month ago when I am trying to get to the bottom of what is really going on with him. Why he is failing all of his classes, impossible to get out of bed in the morning and other things...

Chastise me if you want, for not keeping this hidden from my children, but when you break as big as I did, it is handled the way that it was by the providers that should be helping you, you are as openly honest about things as I am, and it lasts as long as it did, things like that will not stay hidden from your teen kids or anyone. And it might also be worth noting that the area of my brain that is specifically built for keeping things in is actually broken and the space for this kind of storage is now smaller which means I can retain and refrain less... I wonder if that has also contributed. 

But I also think it likely could have been even worse if I had kept it hidden. 

I think this because I know what I was experiencing and it was hard to keep from blowing up completely even with letting out some of the steam as it built. But I also say this because I know of too many people on both the parent and child side that have experienced a lot of emotional distress from keeping hidden what was really going on. Often they are referred to as "skeletons in the closet" or "swept under the rug" and from what I have witnessed hiding the truths and realities is not constructive or healthy and often leads to far worse as people bury more and more, and hide the truly heinous acts that are happening. Unwillingness to face and talk about issues has not ever proven constructive or healthy to me.

AND besides all that, that is exactly what they Neuroscience Institute was doing with me, why on earth would I then repeat the same neglect and abuse with my children? 

They had lost there mom. I may have been physically present but I was too often lost in the madness and unavailable because of how hard I had to work simply to stay ahead of the death sentence I was given. 

They deserved to know and they deserved to know why. 

It has been so hard on them. 

And still they are such amazing kids and so much more compassionate, understanding and even practical than the adults and professionals that were supposed to be. 

When my son said this, what do I say?

Caught off guard and heart broken for him I was not sure how to respond, but two things I remember doing. I explained that it actually is normal for people to fall in love with their therapists and it is very common. What is not normal is their therapist falling in love with them or implying that they had and then dropping them and refusing to ever have anything to do with them...that and I apologized, because I am sorry for all that has happened and for how hard it has been on him. To which he replies, "It's okay, I know it's not your fault." And I try to make sure, I hope and I pray, he is not now burdening himself with guilt for his feelings and frustrations. He is entitled to them and they are not unjustified. But his loving forgiveness and understanding, regardless of his pain, lets know how lucky I am.  

He and my daughter have both said this to me, more than once... They are such sweet, good kids. And I am grateful that even though they have frustrations with me, and they have this pain and cross to bare, they know when things have been very much out of my control and they were stalwart and strong when I was so very broken. They carried me so many times.

I love and am so grateful for them.

But there is a flip side to that coin; this type of role reversal (even though it was not a complete role reversal) makes it very difficult to return to more normal parenting and having parental expectations. 

It is confusing and hard for all of us -the psychology of it I don't want to delve into right now because it exhausts my brain. But I do know that it is another way that I now feel incredibly insecure. I almost feel like I no longer have the right to parent them...

...At a times when they are unravelling and when the fall apart some themselves because of this, as I improve and become more stable. 

* note: The PTSD that followed was linked to a TBI I was hospitalized for at age 12 -this put me reprocessing from both an adult and childlike state.
** this article is being published with my son and daughters permission. When I asked them if they think it has been a good or bad thing that I have been as open and honest with them about this as I have my daughter plainly and confidently says, "I think it has been good" while my son points out that he thinks it has "probably" been good because, "you know that I hear things that I am not supposed to hear and don't hear things that I am supposed to hear. So if you had tried to keep it hidden I probably would know even more about it but it would be a very different version." He would  not have really understood or had a clear picture of what was going on in addition to feeling like he could not talk about it. 

My mania is not angry

I choose this photo for the background because TP and human waste in wilderness area's angers me. My choice in response is to try to help educate people. Please pack out your TP and crap. 

Somethings are very hard to explain. Somethings are not so hard to explain but are nearly impossible for others to understand if they have never experienced it for themselves. 

Mania is both of those. 

My sister said something about my manic anger being the drive in pursuing action against the Neuroscience Institute... 

This made me angry.

Because it was much more likely that rational anger is what was actually preserving my life. 

The mania had me going back and trusting them when it was clear I could not and should not.

It was my mania that trusted them when they said it was not mania. Mania does not want to be seen for what it is. It wants to be your superhero, superpowers, and connection to God or higher powers, or, at times, it may even want to be the higher power itself. And it (mania) can be very convincing. 

My mania was sweet, happy, powerful, perceptive, and far too loving and forgiving. 

My mania kept trying to convince me that my heart now belonged to the therapist that broke me. That I belonged to the therapist that broke me. 

My mania recognized that I needed to be sacrificed for the man who loved me too much to have anything to do with me.

My mania, understanding that I had been there for me, knew that "it" was me and it wanted me to obey his suggestion of letting me burn out for him. ... the him who I now belonged to... the him that I knew I could not loose right then. The him that I tried to show the mania to but would not accept it as that. The him who need me gone...completely. 

Was it me or my mania that saw the yin and yang in his office and knew I was there to balance something out for him? Was it my mania that felt a power struggle?  

When I heard the inflection and noticed the light in his eyes spark when he asked "why, are you a stalker?" I knew that it was an epiphany- a way out for him. But I think it was my mania that believed it was a suggested way to reconnect after he "terminated" the professional side of things. 

Even when the evidence was showing that it had been an epiphany becuase he was clearly trying to make me out to be a stalker, my mania still held onto it's belief and even felt fed my his actions and denials, thinking it evidence that I was messing up by trying to go the more logical, appropriate and ethical routes that the Institute, he, and the rules that be, told me I should go. 

Mania made a mess for me in pursuing the "right" course of action.

And their denials of it simply fed it and I was progressively loosing me.

BUT fortunately for me, you can not gaslight what is already lit up so their dishonest gaslighting games and set ups were obvious to both my manic and not manic brain. 

This is both hard and easy to explain, but I'd say most people really don't get it... It is so easy to say, "just do this," or "just do that," and "it's really not such a big deal." 

But

Mania IS a BIG DEAL

It is a MAJOR BIG FUCKING DEAL

...and as much as I don't really want to use it, the F word is appropriate here because that is exactly what mania does. It rapes you, repeatedly, of your logic and rational thinking. It unlawfully warps your knowledge and turns you into a carnal creature that just can't get enough...

But most baffling to me is the calming drug like effect that man had on me... 

So Anger, as I have memed, is not a "bad" thing. It is not the emotion that had hurt me through this and is causing harm, rather anger may very well have been what pulled me out and saved me from the game playing and gaslighting of me by that man and his institution.

And here is a theory:

Maybe TBI survivors often struggle with anger after their TBI because anger is what pulled them through? 

Maybe we need to embrace our anger, see it for what it is, utilize it for what it is, and us it to help pull us through. It is not anger that is "good" or "bad" but rather it is how we choose to respond and what we choose to do with it. I believe all emotions are like that. 

...and because of mania, I have learned that happy, just like anger, can be deceptive and can also lead to "bad" things or "bad" choices.