I found this very troubling.
It's been about two weeks... and it is still quietly nagging somewhere in the back
Because I don't remember it. But I do remember that Dr. She mentioned that medication having not worked for me in the letter she wrote to the psychiatric PA when she realized I needed that help and fast. I remember telling her that I had never taken that medication, at that point I did not know why she included that in the letter, where she came up with that idea....
This is really bothering my head.
Because obviously it had been prescribed but I don't remember that and I don't remember if I tried taking it at all.
It had been prescribed by my family practitioner PA. The one the noted "possible mania" the day after my last appointment with Dr. He, just before we were leaving to Italy.
So I asked for the medical record notes from the day it was prescribed... but even with that, I don't remember her prescribing it or the conversation about it.
There are 27.5 out of 30 10mg tablets left in the bottle. Which means I took 2.5... But I do not remember taking it at all
And this really bothers me.
I was such a mess I don't remember it.
I vaguely remember the appointment. She was the only provider I had left that was at least trying to help. But I think at that point I also thought she was not the "right" doctor for what was going on with me... I was still, somehow, insanely trusting the things said by Dr. Concussion -especially that I need a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist. In my brain (and most other people) they, meaning those at the Neuroscience Institute, were still the more qualified and appropriate doctors. I am not sure if that is why I only took 2 and 1/2 or if I really responded badly after only taking 2.5 tabs... I can not even pretend to know because I can't find the memory... And I was working a new job, and that was going badly.
This bothers me.
I already feel broken and beat down.
And I have to keep reminding myself that I am not as worthless as I feel. I have to keep trying to find the good and the positive in spite of the beat downs, lack of support, lack of concern, lack of friends, lack of a job.... and reminders of how screwed up my head really is.
Today I am not winning.
And I am trying to remember how to pull out of this... But also realizing that maybe I have never been that good at it because I keep loosing...
loosing friends, loosing family, loosing confidence, loosing jobs, loosing ability and loosing with the people who say they are there to help.
the common thread
is me
Yes, I see
no need to point it out.
No need to reinforce
I already know.
...and yet I still try to be kind and I still try to help and love others... even those who don't love me.
And I know that I am far better off than so many people in this messed up world...
But so many people, too many I know, are better off without me...
and I am tired of "getting it"
maybe I am mad
maybe I am sad
or maybe I am bad
for not being what they all really want me to be
Gone
...
and I want to end there. I did. but my resilient and defiant broken little brain just yelled at them, "shut the fuck up you jack ass mother fuckers."
Sorry, no edits this time. My brain is fighting for me and I am going to let it win even if it is ugly and unacceptable, even if it is angry, even if it isn't what everyone else wants me to be -even if it's not what I want me to be, look or sound like...
Because at least my brokenness is still fighting for me.
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