My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across
And the only reason I am writing about this at all is because of the PTSD style reaction I get when I start exploring this idea of going to graduate school to become a psychologist myself. It actually physically effects me; my heart speeds up, I am visibly shaky and I have a hard time focusing on what I am reading. I feel nervous and insecure and I distrust the professors automatically... which is probably why I am avoiding it. It is beyond ridiculous but it is what is happening and it is what it is. No point in beating myself up over it. Instead, I am hoping as I dissect irrational reactions like this I might keep inching closer to whatever it is that I am destined to do with this bizarre life of mine and to whomever it is that I am meant to be.
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