the chemical ups have definitely subsided. I am much more stable...
but I feel as though I am loosing some of that stability again because anger is exploding from me a bit...
I AM ANGRY
And not just about me and my shit but about the shit that too many people handle and how we are all so damn shitty at helping each other....
I AM MAD
I am mad that I am so powerless to do anything about the inaccuracies, false accusations and even straight up defamation in my medical records.
I am mad about how my kids have been effected. I am mad that my son is alone and lonely, that this experience has resulted in him feeling and becoming somewhat isolated. How the hell does a 13-14 year old boy explain to anyone the anxiety he is having because the medical institution that his mom loved and trusted had the cops sent to his house and he was led to believe his mom had committed suicide after he had an altercation with her.
It's too much for a 13 year old boy to watch his mom go manic and then fade into a depression that was so mind altering that she was not the same person she used to be, but rather a screwed up version of his mom that is in a love with another man that happened to be the medical provider that had broken her and she is trying to protect him when he is lying about her condition to those that could help her, she is unstable but trying her best to not be, and she is so suicidal from it that it was impossible to hide although she was trying her best to and to not be that also.
That is too damn much for any child
and I am sad and angry that he has had to go through that. I am sad and angry that I don't know how to handle it or how to help him now. I am angry that I know space from me is probably a good thing for him. I am sad and angry about that because I love him, he is still my young son, and he is so important to me. I am sad and angry because so many things have been canceled that finding any good opportunities with peers his age this summer is very difficult and, so far, also very far away. He wants to go. He deserves to go. ...It is expensive... but more than that, I will miss him and I will worry about him... And I want to keep him. I want to make things better... that I cannot make better... no matter how hard I try. I can not fix the way things have happened or his pain.... I cannot even seem to be able to fix my own problems. And he is loosing faith in humanity at far too young an age because of it.
...So I need to let him go, I think, and this is hurting me more than I care to admit to myself...
I am tired of handling this. I am angry that my kids having to handle this. They already had the burden of handling my broken and exhausted brain... I am tired of doctors that are supposed to help me untangle what was made a mess by other doctors. Other doctors that have done what they can to cover up the mess and make it appear like I was the one making all the mistakes and tangling things up...
I am sad about the strains my breaking and this mess has caused my relationships. Relationships that have also impacted my children. I am not the only one who has lost friends through this. I am sad about how big of a mess I was. I am sad but also still know, that then, I really was doing the best that I could. It was the first time in my life that I knew I was doing the best I could. I am not sure that I am anymore. I am stable but I am a coward and I am confused on how keep proceeding and especially on how to help my kids that have also been affected by this.
...I will miss my son terribly... I want to keep him here and plan our own adventures and work on the projects that got lost and abandoned amidst this chaos. I want to teach him and love him... But that may not be what he needs right now since he wants to rebel against me, angry about the situation, but also wants to love me and protect me and fears how his actions affect me while feeling resentment that they do. So sometimes he pushes buttons and then feels terrible about it. He is a good kid and I know deep down he wants to be the good that he is, but he needs a break from me and my brokenness... Which is very sad... and I am sad... and this is not really what I thought I needed to process, but I see now that I do in a big way.
... Yet, while it is sad,
you know what,
at least we are all big enough to admit it, face it, and do something about it, in a way that is moving forward with thoughtful regard and consideration for all parties. And ultimately I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate his being there for me and trying to do what he could when I was fighting for my life. I appreciate how strong he is and has been and how clever and talented he is. I appreciate how capable he is and that he loves and cares for others even when it is hard. And, even though I had asked him not to, and they did use it against me (and him) the way I feared they would, I am so incredibly proud of my son for having the guts to call the institution and at least try to talk to the man he knew was responsible for the breaking his mother.
I am one lucky mom.
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