On Monday I had the follow up after the neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. Nothing terribly surprising to me but a few things surprising to her, like my reading comprehension is lower than she expected. I agree and this is a source of some grief and frustration since it is a task that is still noticeably more difficult than it was prior to the auto accident. My reading comprehension has always been very good to excellent but after the first TBI I believe I had a marked decrease because throughout my life after that I have been a slower reader and much more easily distracted by my thoughts thus I often had to reread things. Yet, it has never been as difficult as it has been since the car accident. It has improved and sometimes my power of concentration on reading is better than others, but it is noticeably lower, which is annoying.
My cognitive stamina showed to be lower and my processing speed is lower. This is, again, something that I know was a bit lower prior to the car accident but is noticeably lower after the car accident. The strange thing is, immediately after, some of my processing speed actually seemed quicker for a bit. Now I am just slower.
To be clear, I am not slower or lower than the average person in most of these deficits of mine, I am just significanlty slower and lower than would be expected based on the measures of my intelligence. My verbal language something-or-other is also lower than to be expected but, again, not surprising due to the location of my injuries. I have long felt I struggle to articulate to my level of intelligence.
Anyway a bit of rambling that I did not really come to write about. I think this may be some avoidance...
So into the meat, my real purpose today.
A couple of things on the report upset me. It was the language and explanation of my results according to the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventroy test. I knew when I was taking the test what some of the questions were getting at and I was concerned it would paint me in a light that is not accurate of me as a whole, but, being the being that I am, I had to answer honestly and due to my recent circumstances I am (or was at the time of testing) a bit untrusting, to say the least. But the wording in the results is very negatively worded and very stigmatizing. Anyway, it upset me. It is bullshit spreading of misconceptions of mental health issues, particularly bipolar. It had me feeling down and I wondered if I can trust Dr. She. It had me questioning her and her intentions. I was second guessing myself and my judgement again.
but
but
But
I decided
I am done.
I am not going to let people dictate anymore who I am based on their ignorant and bias misconceptions or preconceived notions. I am also not going to hide me anymore. I get hurt by being honest, and people judge me sometimes because I share way too much. But the thing is, and dear mirror sister Renée once again helped me put it to words better, people are blaming, shaming, judging anyway, so I might as well speak out, speak up and live my truth. At least then I am standing up and speaking out about issues that are important to me and I have found that very often I help someone else by doing so.
Monday I also decided that I am done with carrying the burden of knowing that dear Perri Cherie could be a grooming psychologist and/or brilliant manipulative mastermind.
I have a lawyer (that I did not want to hire but had to to defend myself) that said I either have nothing or a thousand things. I reminded him of the letter from their lawyer and he knows I have a thousand things. It is overwhelming. But he is working on what he can and I am feeling better about waiting to file the reports I know I need to. He does have to make it about money, it is his job and livelihood, so I can be okay with that and really we deserve to have some of our expenses and burdens from this rectified.
But waiting to file reports, waiting to try and stop or prevent harm to others is a heavy burden. Knowing how I was handled and how much harm they collectively caused burdens me significantly knowing that other very vulnerable and broken people might be being harmed as well. And it haunts me a bit because "you know others are not as strong."
So I did what I could and wrote an honest google review and a few other reviews on Dr. He. It is not what I want to do it is not what I want to believe, but as Jordan Peterson and others points out, as adults we need to put away our childish naivety... I cannot ignore all of the red flags and the deviance. I cannot keep ignoring how he has used everything he can against me and has work to paint me in a bad light just to cover and protect himself. It cannot ignore the inceptions and the twisting of my thoughts those symptoms they were denying. Or the way things were twisted and then accusing me of twisting things that I did not (like my son calling them when I told him not to and then they have a lawyer accuse me of "causing my underage son to call"). I cannot keep giving them the benefit of the doubt when they have hurt me and my family, disregarded me, tried to discard me, used me, played games with me, etc. every time I have asked for help and clarification since the events that transpired with Dr. He that broke me.
Whatever is happening there is bigger than me, that much I am sure of, because they have worked very hard to keep me silenced and to deny any mistakes and wrongdoing even when doing so was causing significant harm and could have cost my life. They have shamed and blamed me, feigned care while ostracizing and then exiling when I could have been a highly beneficial case study for them.
And I am done blaming myself or allowing others to blame me. It is so ridiculous how all the literature, philosophies, rules and guidelines in psychology say I should not be blamed and yet in reality I am not only being blamed but also shamed, stigmatized, slandered, and silenced.
I am done being broken by this.
Medication is working and I have worked hard to stay ahead of my chemistry and the madness that was raging inside and out. I have put in the time and energy and it is time for what I have been working so hard for to click.
So Monday was something like learning to ride a bicycle;
I have been working so hard for so long, understanding the mechanics and physics of it, knowing what it is and how to do it but just not quite having the balance right to actually ride this allegoric bike. So when I was faced with what felt like another hit to my balance, I looked at the bike and had to decide, do I want to give it up and be done trying to ride a bicycle -I'll just stick to walking- or do I give it one more try? With determination I decided to try and I got it. I was able to balance it out and ride. I let go of the tethers that have been burdening me and holding me back and I let go of everybody else's' fears, their "ohs," "ahs," and their lurching forward "becarefuls." I said, "to hell with all you all that say I should stick to walking and/or that don't think I am capable." I got back on the bike
tried again
and rode upright on two wheels without any outside assistance.
I felt positive, and happy. A happy that wasn't my chemistry pushing back against medication.
A weight lifted knowing that I have done all I possibly can trying to reconcile and address what needs to be addressed on my behalf. I have gone above and beyond trying to reconcile, giving the benefit of the doubt, and seeking first to understand. I have put them before me. I tried to do what they asked every time. I honored there positions and training. I tried to have intelligent and responsible conversations about what they were missing and what I was trying to figure out. But ultimately they are scared and dishonest when they are the ones holding all the cards. Exactly what I stumbled onto I really don't know. It is too bad they cannot see the value I could be to them, because it was the muscle memory of handling trauma and damage from the first TBI that picked up on their deviance even before I did. My brain has figured out tricks to help accommodate for things like slower processing, emotional instability, distractibility, language recall, etc. and these tricks caught them red handed long before I was willing to admit their deviance. So I am satisfied with the effort I have made and I am even proud of myself.
Happy, confident, secure in who I am. I am allowing myself to be proud of me and what and how I have managed with so much opposition.
Will it hold this time? So much of this sounds so very familiar doesn't it?
Honestly, I don't know, but also I do and the answer is not likely black and white. This time I have the stabilizing help of accurate diagnosis and medication. I also have determination. And I have the knowledge that I have done this before and I can do it again. Maybe I have not broken to that level and I have been forever altered, but through it I have learned so very much about myself.
And I HAVE overcome before. I can do it again.
This time with new understanding and insight and even more power than before because, this time, I am overcoming powers that are far greater than me.
I got this. And I am proud of me.
I will choose to trust again. I will continue to love. I will continue to hope and pray for the Neuroscience Institute and the providers I had their. I will continue to hope that others will see that I am not so scary. But now, if they don't or won't, then that is on them and I can still love and be happy with me.
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