mapping holes continued

cont from yesterdays commentary:
...And lets not forget the malevolence of my treacherous heart. The malevolence in me that would have abandoned my husband and kids for a man that was using me as a toy. So there is a form of malevolence in me that is shocking... Fortunately I was simply a toy to this man so the opportunity to shack up with him was never there because I am far too vocal and risky for someone whose intentions are malevolent.
It is a bit comical really
After the Purple Rain incident Dr. She (my neuropsychologist therapist) said my subconscious is really mean to me. It really can be, logically piecing together all the mean and negative things people have had to say to me and about me and ways I have been treated to prove that I am of no value except for in dying.
And yet, at the same time, my body and subconscious have this amazing will to live as my deep subconscious picks up on threats and annihilates them with safe guards like breaking the way I did when Dr. He's intentions with me were not what they were supposed to be. When he was playing games that were meant to satisfy him and his needs my brain reacted in a way that put so many safeguards up there was no way he'd continue down that road with me.
And I saw through his mask. He did not like that I did not only see what he allowed me to see. (His exact words were, "you only see what I allow you to see.")
and he did not like that I continued to try to solve when he had told me not to try and solve this. (His exact words were, "I told you not to try and solve this.")
And things such as this make me wonder if it really was not entirely mania and a bipolar manic situation but rather a bodies fight or flight response with heightened awareness and a brain driven into overdrive in an effort to self preserve and protect. The fight mechanism fully engaged because what was happening was far more than even a non broken brain can handle.
What was happening?
1. Flooding of memories
2. Brain fog and emotional irrational responses finally lifting enough to handle the other realities of injury from the car accident like the ankle, hip and back. And the PTSD
3. Realizing my cognitive stamina may never be high enough to effectively handle an elementary classroom full-time without compromising my health. In other words; facing the reality that I might have to give up the career I loved, was good at, and just barely getting into in full capacity.
4. Falling in love with one's therapist for the unhealthy and healthy slew of reasons (and/or relationships) for which that happens.
5. Dealing with and trying to understand the TBI that had been misdiagnosed in it's severity without knowing that at that point.
6. Trying to do it all with a lack of social, emotional, and family support as documented by Dr. He himself in his report of me. (which also happen to be attributes that make me a prime target for grooming)
So maybe an extended survival fight is a more accurate description of the mania I was experiencing? Regardless, according to the definition of mania, the shoe fit.  https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml