Tangled too Much today

Right now it feels like too much to untangle. I have an appointment with Dr. Untangle Neurologist tomorrow. She requested this appointment when my husband called to see if he could get some clarification from her. The fact that my husband did this at all is huge, and yet I don't really know if I can trust it at this point... so that is tangled. I feel nervous and worried about this appointment. I think I know at least some of what I need to get from it but I have no idea what to expect and I feel she has picked up some of the bias that was planted against me from the records she "poured over." So this feels tangled and ...scarey?
I have an appointment today to have my hip looked at by the right specialist... Why did the other guys waste my time and take my money if they weren't even the "right" specialists? And last guy said the tear in my hip labrum is not likely from the car accident, yet it never bothered me before that and has been an increasing chronic problem ever since. I asked if it could have been a smaller tear made worse by the car accident. He said that is very possible and to me it seems clear that it is the case because it NEVER bothered me before, but will the insurance company accept that?  ...So this is tangled also.
On Wednesday I am doing a new neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. I am nervous about this. Part of why I am nervous is because the testing the Cognitive/Speech therapist did with me last week triggered memories of Dr. He which proved to be quite painful. It seems so silly and it caught me so off guard because obviously he is still on my mind a great deal more than I would like (any at all is too much) so I would not think new painful feelings would arise, but they did, and the worst kind of all; the endearing ones. So that is tangled.
It is also tangled because I am sensing things from Dr. She that I am not certain of but that make me nervous. I am sensing those feelings that may just be her own insecurity but that feel like the feelings I feel when someone is becoming to afraid of or displeased with me and so they are thinking of dropping me... I know, or believe, that Dr. She is not going to drop me unexpectedly, she has promised she would not, but I am sensing things that make me nervous. Things that I might be understanding better than she cares for me to so if I bring them up I risk loosing her but bringing them up just might help me figure out what I am doing to loose people when I sense these things. ... I don't know.
Also I am feeling lonely.
I want friends again. I want to do things, but I have lost some friends in very painful ways and I feel very insecure and uncertain about this.
And I want to pursue those things I have set out to do, but it feels scary and pointless because I have failed so many times.
And I don't want to fight I want to resolve. I don't actually want to be on opposite sides as the Neuroscience Institute, I want to help them help me and others, but they see me as the enemy when I am not, which makes it so I have to fight when I don't want to...
"I am always surprised at how many people want to see you fail," says my amazing cousin that has been through more than anyone should ever have to endure but has risen above and created a name and a business for herself. She is so kind and she credits others in her journey constantly. She is beautiful but humble and one hell of a boxer, yet deep down inside I know she never quite made her Olympic goal because she is too caring and considerate, kind and compassionate, so even though she is one amazing fighter, she's not about hurting others and I think she'll never punch hard enough to take away their dreams. She is younger than me so I always think of her as "girl" but she is a strong and amazing woman who I admire greatly and look up to so very much, so it kind of blew my mind that she has felt that too, that others want to see her fail and how they have treated her or things they have said to discredit or subtly undermine her efforts.
When I feels these things it often breaks me. I find it hard to even try. Sometimes it really feels like there is no longer a point to anything I do...
Yet I know this is not entirely true and I keep trying, I keep fighting...
But lately, I feel like I am fading again. Only this time I am more slowly fading into the blah of low confidence and complacency. Last time I was fading because I was not well and very broken. Last time I at least knew I was doing all that I could do. When I was fading before and told the people who were causing or heavily contributing to that fading, I at least knew, first time in my life, that I was really doing all that I could do and the best I could do. I was not beating myself up for not doing enough because I really was working hard and doing all that I could do as I was fading into the insanities and brokenness that I was. My fight was to survive... And now I want to thrive so
this time I am fading because I feel beat down and defeated. I know I can do more but I don't know that their is any point in trying since my efforts are wrought with resistance or just plain ignored. I don't feel like trying because maybe they are right about me and maybe the reality in the middle is that I have nothing of value to offer and I am not worth anyones time.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I want to believe in the ideal
I want to believe in me
I want to shoot for the stars and maybe hit the moon...
But maybe I shot for the stars and hit them
and now I am all burned up
because I was never a star myself
Just insignificant matter that will burn up completely and quickly in the event that I get too close to the stars I am shooting for or past.
....
.....
.......
.....
....
...and now it is time to turn it around again. Get all positive and motivated. Believe in myself or at least a higher power that I can allow to work through me
...which is very easy to tangle in our mortal frames,
so... go there or don't?
"keep fighting"
and
"fight harder"
but I don't want to be a fighter, I want to be a lover.
So...
Keep trying.
Forgive myself
and keep trying.
It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to make mistakes.
But it is not okay to be okay with being wrong and making mistakes about others that are harmful to them and then perpetuating harm instead of admitting you were wrong or that you made a mistake. It is not okay to lead others to believe that which you are wrong about simply to hide and protect yourself from the mistakes you made. It is not okay to blame and shame the other person for your wrong and your mistakes. That is really not okay and not good citizenship. It is especially wrong when you are in a position of power over the other person.
Hmmm... my bad parenting of the other day is starting to make more sense. I bess be careful that I don't become the fingers I am pointing and the frustrations I am fighting.
Psychology- so complex and yet so repetitively simple.