Dear Careless Therapist,

Every morning I wake up having to fight you, even this much later. It is very annoying. Especially since I am not really sure what the fight is and what it needs to look like. I just know that you are in my head when you wish me dead and I wish for you to be gone out of my head and my heart.
It is also very annoying because I don't know what the real battle is. All of that got very convoluted when you lied and denied about what was really going on with me. You would think this would make it clear to my head what the battle is but there are many things that complicate this: You are the professional with the PHD education, training, and experience. You are supposed to be the one that knows the truth and can diagnosis accurately. You are the one that is and was paid to do this. You are trusted and I trusted you. I handed over my faith and confidence to you so that you could walk me through the healing, education and understanding that I needed. I loved and trusted you. I was highly and extremely vulnerable in many ways when my brain was literally broken and damaged. I was experiencing PTSD. I was having a flooding of memories that I had suppressed or forgotten and this flooding may have been directly related to the work we had been doing to "uncover my buried story."...Many things going on to complicate and these are just a few...  I also wanted to or needed to believe what you implied you felt about me; needing so desperately to be loved and accepted as some of the realities of my struggles in life were suddenly being understood through the lens of the under-treated and misunderstood TBI from my past. But the thing that convoluted most is the fact that you were actually helping me. So hard for me to fathom why you would suddenly have nothing to do with me AND try to make it appear as though I was doing wrong by trying to understand why my brain had and was breaking to the new level it was.
So many times I had told the people at your institution the things I actually was trying to solve but they blew me off, you blew me off, instead trying to pass it (and me) off under the false pretense that I was mentally ill but not in the way I was trying to explain. It was made to look like I was merely obsessed with you and that was primary to the actual and real problems that were manifesting; that of a more severe TBI that I had tried to explain again and again to so many providers and you. But nobody was listening. Instead I was branded and handed over to people who cared even less and whose job is to set things up for gaslighting and/or a corrupt cover of ass and tracks in the event that one does try to pursue legal action. You call them "office director" and "patient advocates."
I believe I could have moved on and not be battling EVERYDAY the things you said if I had not and was not experiencing the symptoms you deny and if I did not actually have the conditions you and the concussion doctor denied and/or ignored - concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for brain and car accident related injuries.
But I am stuck in this reality that you twisted and tainted for me and that follows me medically in my records. It is not very fair as I try to untangle and put together the puzzles pieces that were misinterpreted, mishandled, and misconstrued from the very beginning, not only by you and your institution but by others. Not terribly surprising the first to blow me off and misdiagnose was also an IHC provider, which does make me wonder if Concussion Dr. was covering and hiding things from the beginning.
And then lets add to it the the manic burst of energy I tried to show and explain to you. The breaking of the brain to the next level, possibly due to my ability to access that reaction out of self-preservation when what was happening was more than I could handle.  When I told you I was not sure if I could go back to teaching because of the lower cognitive stamina and when I told you that my personality was still changing too much -a full year and then some, after that second blow (another thing I told you)- you simply said flatly, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," and then continued with also taking away you. Another loss for me to mourn. Another blow to my head and my heart. It was too much as memories were flooding and rational reasoning returning enough to know that I had been handling the injuries poorly by trying not to burden and cause undue expense when I was literally broken in more ways than all had assumed (or wanted to keep hidden to cover mistakes made from the start). Or was I so good at hiding and handling my injuries since I had been conditioned to for years since the first TBI because I was "one smart cookie?"
So complex.
Yet you said your life was "very complex right now," and to that I say "you have no idea." Although I am certain you do because of the lengths you were willing to go to hide whatever it is you are still trying to hide.  Which is another burden on me, knowing that you are hiding and that you may also be manipulating other clients who are also broken, vulnerable, loving and trusting.
So the battles wage on. Every morning that I wake, every night as I try to fall asleep, in the day when I am reminded of you, which happens easily since you are now tied to my chemistry; a de-ja-vu when my feelings go up or down. A mess that intrigues and fascinates but that no one can quite understand... Many will dump me for it, choosing instead to blame me and jump on your wagon, because it is you they are afraid to distrust. Why? because what would that mean for them if the medical providers and/or therapists that they love and they trust were to do something similar? It is unfathomable, unthinkable and since I have long been followed by conflict and tension, misunderstood in the intelligent intensities that come with a self-solved broken brain it is much easier to say it is me anyway and escape any further ties to a woman who just might be unstable...
So unkind. So unfair. But it does not matter because I am nobody of significance and no-one I know dares speak up, no matter how many times I have put them first nor how I have loved or adored them. I have made myself second class so why would they stand up for me anyway?
Maddening and yet I understand and so I still love them regardless of how they treat me because of you... the reaffirmer of my second class status and worthlessness.
And round and round it goes.
Dear Careless Therapist, Dear John, Dear schmuck that manipulated me (me, a prime target for grooming) simply to protect himself,
I know and I understand that you don't really love me, don't care and are not nearly as brilliant as I thought. Or maybe you are but much more diabolical, manipulative and clever in your charisma than anyone else knows or dares to see and for that I am truly a threat. If I can see through you than others might too and your games will come to a disastrous end... I understand this about you but do you understand about me how very easily all of this could have been avoided if only you had been real and honest with me, if only you had not lost objectivity and/or stopped the manipulative games. I could have and would have forgiven quite quickly -I already had, so many times over.
I could have even helped you...; Although now I see how that could have been even more disastrous. Me helping you, believing in you and loving you the way that I did, would have helped you to be an even more convincing con artist as I would have pointed out the holes and the flaws that you made misunderstanding the me that I was. With my help you would have then been completely undetectable, unstoppable, and indestructible in whatever games you wanted to play with the unsuspecting, broken women that trust and love you in your position of power. Considering how this whole deal has been handled and what I have been made into by you and your facility, I see that this may be a very real possibility when prior I thought it might simply be the product of my manic broken mind.
And it saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me because of the power you have and the responsibility and accountability that you and your institution entirely refuse when you know you were being quite reckless and you know that you have the upper hand in just about every way.
It is no wonder I wake up tired and I am annoyed with myself for still feeling the feelings I do and still wanting to believe in you and your dishonest institution.
Dear Careless therapist this is now why I want to go into your field, so I can stop abuses like this and people like you, or at least bring to light the harm your kind can and does cause when how "countertransference" is handled is so abusive and unnecessary.
Sincerely,
Erica Vellinga Saxton
I do not hide nor will I, because I have nothing to hide nor should I be ashamed or shamed by others. And because I openly invite conversation from anyone about you and this topic.