Discriminating taste

I have to confess something, something that catches me by surprise occasionally and frustrates me about me.
I hate being stereotyped and stigmatized. I hate being discriminated against for my ailments. I hate feeling the subtle and not so subtle changes in attitudes and perceptions that some people manifest when they find out that you have a "mental illness" or mental health related issues.
I hate it so very much and it is especially difficult when you have the intelligence to know how you are flawed and the intelligence to pick up on the discrimination, ostracizing, stigmatizing etc.
But the confession... I do the same thing.
I am prejudice against my own disorders, against my kind.
...And I don't like being lumped into the same category as those people.
I know a few people who have bipolar and I don't like some things about them that I know are directly related to the illness they have. I wonder if I am a bad person for feeling these things and even wonder why I feel these things. I am scared of them myself half the time. Or am I disappointed? Disappointed with how they handle or how I do? Or am I disappointed that even with them I can still offend and not fit in?
I wonder if this is normal for all of us that have these problems?
But I also sincerely wonder if maybe I really do not belong in the same category because mine seems to be directly linked to TBI. I wonder if a strictly biological bipolar may be different than a TBI bipolar?
Manic, I fit the definition of. I was manic. But I did not loose touch completely and I was composed well enough to hide it. Or had I just conditioned and trained myself well enough? and that is why I feel some annoyance and frustration with others?
But I also think there is some association to the level of breaking and the age of the breaking. As I have said, prior to this, I think I had not gone much above hypomanic. And I am much older, with much more experience under my belt... I have also chosen to distance myself from those things that can be triggers. I don't embrace a trigger so easily. I'd rather not be in that consent battle. It is something people in my family and many of my local cultures and subcultures really do not understand. It is why I am not so stalwart and involved in the church that I was raised in. Spirituality and religion can be very slippery slopes for a delicately balanced brain... I have found more peace and stability with some distance and yet that makes people very uncomfortable. But my overly spiritual and scriptural associates that have similar issues I feel pain and embarrassment for... and I find myself feeling my own discriminating feelings...
Maybe I am projecting my own insecurities onto them? Maybe it is a fear of what I may actually be or come to be?
My mind and heart want to figure this out and be at peace with them and me. Be at peace with my association.
And yet, I don't really want to think about it right now at all. I just want to be a fun mom again. And I want to have friends again. But I also do not want to be that me again. I want to be more free and more accepting of all that I am. I want to love my perfectly imperfect.
...and truthfully, I want to feel loved, valued and accepted.
I suppose I have some work to do still.
And who is still actually reading this anyway? And why?
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