If you want to pull the wool you might destroy the sweater.

"It is all three, isn't it?"

I still talk to that place in my heart that he allowed me to keep him. 

Allowed

there just may be more to that than you (my blog audience) know.

I have tried to kick him out of my heart but he knew how to root himself deep and I was so broken that at times those roots that broke me were somehow the only thing holding me together. It is a strang place that no rational and fully stable person can ever really understand. 

... and I will be made out to be crazy for the things I am not crazy for 

Even after and when they deny the crazy that I was...

November 12, 2018

I made a mistake. I talked about my husband. I explained how what we (Dr. P and I) had been working on had helped me in my relationship with my husband. 

He was not happy about this. He changed on me. The spark in his eyes was gone. He was cold and distant. 

One of two possibilities: 

He had developed feelings and caught him off guard 

Or

It confirmed I was non-compliant with his efforts to subtly turn me into his own personal toy

Either way, he was done with me.

But with a strange plea of "don't disappear on me completely"

to which I pointed out "you are breaking up with me and I am not happy about it"

Then he, "unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."

and later, "I told you not to try and solve this." 

I was not compliant again. 

and he was scared. 

I could see it in his face. I could see it in the paleness and the picked off scabs of a stress break out. I could hear it in his replies, implied but neither confirmed nor denied. Rehearsed or influenced by some of the same articles I had found and read about transference and countertransference? 

I could hear it in his struggle to regain the balance of power.

I could hear it in his over compensating when he looked me straight in the eye and declared, "I am not scared of you." said the way every person does when they have decided to confront their fear and have to lie to themselves until they start to believe their lie. 

I could hear it is his chastising, "that's not funny," when I laughed about the insanity of a bipolar personal contact that once, while in a manic state, believed one companion to be God and the other to be the devil. 

I could hear it in his direct, loud and firm command to "stop emailing me" and in his back peddling softened reply of "they are too deep and they can get me into trouble" when I reacted in a way he may not have expected -a way that suggested I have dealt with that kind of forcefulness plenty and I may not be so inclined to respond the way he'd hoped since I knew those types of bold threatening tactics too well. 

I could hear it especially loud and clear in his final statement, "so we can agree to a clean break?"

And yet, still he could not resist testing those boundaries, checking to see if maybe I might be more compliant or more interested, and maybe just maybe, after the confessions of the depth and complexity to my transference and the the suggestion of mania, maybe just maybe, he hoped that I might manifest those with the paradoxically desired but condemned sexual advance by the patient.
I could see these.
I picked up on this.
As childish and naive as I was in those moments of managed manic magnificence I picked up on the manipulations in his playfulness,  the moments when he forgot he was scared, and could not resit playing with the child that I was, mistaking me for an adult themed toy. Tempting. It was far too tempting

and it worked to his advantage (it always does, he knows these games well and plays them regularly, I have seen it more than with just me) 

Control, he regained by playing, turning me into a game again.  Because I trusted and loved. 

But my instinct was awake and bold. It took liberties and spoke for me at times, long before I knew what I meant. 

And my will to survive, my fight and flight responses heightened by the risks and threats that the mania was immune to, they picked up on so many things. My heightened senses and rapid processing working at superhuman levels picked up on every subtlety, nuance, inflection, movement, energy... the entirety of the situation would replay in my brain for months and months to follow, not missing anything in my brains quest to solve what was happening to itself and why. The mysteries had to be solved. His "I'm okay with being wrong" was not okay in his misdiagnosis. 

Was the missing of the mania intentional? Did he break me? Or was I already broken and breaking? Had he developed feelings of reciprocated magnitude and intensity or was it the mania (that he had overlooked) suggesting this to my desperately-trying-to-settle brain? ...Or was he really and truly a diabolical grooming therapist that dropped me when he saw that I was not compliant and I broke because of it? Did I break because, even though I was not physically compliant, the grooming had worked on an emotional level and suddenly grieving the loss of him was too much for the physiology of my brain since it was coinciding with  PTS (post traumatic stress), TBI realities, and a flooding of returning memories?  

"I told you not to try and solve this"

"I don't need more friends"

"I don't believe in forever anymore"

"my life is very complex right now"

"I could lose my license because of you"

"...I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy."

"I would have to agree to it"

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"

"why? are you a stalker?"

"what we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up." (really, who says that?)

"I connect easily with people"

"I am okay with being wrong"

"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same"

... And I feel like, in his cryptic way, he may have been trying to warn me, that he would do whatever he had to, to hide and cover anything that would reveal who he really was and what he really was up to... or was it just that he would cover anything that could potentially threaten his livelihood...

I would love for clarification- I am not afraid of the conversation and I am not the one hiding or trying to hide the truth.

But... I will repeat, the best liars hide their lies in the truth. 

Which makes me think

"It is all three, isn't it"

Grooming, countertransference and the breaking of me and then denying it (mania). ... maybe it is more like 4 or 5 things, 4 and 5 being a whole lot of mischief. 

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

Oh, but I see so much more and I see through you- And he knows it. He makes the command in hopes that his statement will pull the wool curtain over my manic heightened perceptiveness.