There is a part of this that has stung a bit lately. It is that part that I have avoided writing too much about. I wish to write about all the good things I have learned and my take aways. The positive ways dear He helped me change. I want to write about these things because I want to keep, maintain and grow the new me I felt I was becoming when I was with him.
I keep finding there is more. I keep learning more about me, my patterns and just how engrained they really are and yet also how much they are changing and how much stronger I am. Just recognizing this so quickly this time shows significant progress and knowing, being willing and able to face it so quickly, that is also progress. Huge progress.
Which also makes me happy
...but oh dang it. I only slept about three hours last night and currently have too much energy to sleep and my mind is wishing to process and write worlds worth of information rather quickly...
so I suppose this could be the calm before the storm... am I on the verge of another manic mindset?
Husband is concerned about that AND he actually vocalized it (more huge progress). "I can't really make that happen" I say, but "can I prevent it?" we both ask.
Maybe.
Probably.
I prevented a complete breakdown on the last. This time maybe I can keep myself at a safer distance knowing that my body and brain are repeating the pattern.
So is it safe to tackle the subject of my dear Dr. Perri Cheri and how he helped me?
I think so and for fun's sake, here is how he got his name, I may have shared this already but just in case I didn't here you go:
Perri- this song, I used in attempt to explain my transference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvbErM6ZTBA
Cheri- this song, because it so comically fits the scenario of transference-countertransference and because he is from the same place as the artists of the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2CiJ5U6x24 (and because I shared another clip from another one of their songs with him in my attempt to help him see that I was not completely understanding what he was saying and I felt that issue might be going both ways. It was.)
Monday, June 17, 2019
In my Head
I am having such a hard time sleeping again. Tonight I cannot even get to sleep. There is so much going on in my head again.
Neuroscience Institute Facility Director, who I'd asked not be allowed to interact with patients, has sent me a letter terminating me from any of the doctors or providers there. Her reason: they cannot accommodate my behavioral health needs. What is that supposed to mean? what and why?
It feels like she is trying to turn me into a behavioral problem. It feels like gaslighting. I do not know who is behind it.
I think it may just be her but she, or someone, most certainly has been playing games with me and very likely my confidentiality rights were breached since the office staff started treating me very strange. I even had to check in at a different desk on my final appointment. They personally called me the day before to make sure I knew to check in at this other desk. Too bad their cover was blown [in that they were not doing this for everyone] when the new lady who: first; left me waiting by the "wait here" sign for like 10 minutes while she finished with whatever it was she was doing for the previous patient, which was not checking in, and second; she didn't recognize me personally and almost accidentally sent me to their actual check in desk but was quickly stopped by the girl I recognized from previous visits with a "wait! who are you here to see?" When I told here who, she said, "oh you check in over here," cutting new lady off when she started with the, "I thought check in..." response. When she asked my name I replied, "I bet you can guess" to which she nice-save-style stated, "uh, only because there isn't anyone else checking in right now." If she had been just a bit confused by my comment the facade would have been more believable.
Over the years, being the odd man out often, comfortable with the boys and not so much with the girls, and a misfit, I have developed that keen sense of knowing when people have been talking about someone behind their back, and of knowing when I am the hot topic for gossip.
And my checkin nurse, Dr. Concussion's assistant, who used to be friendly and fun to talk to, has zero to say to me, is cold and unfriendly.
I've been the topic of conversation no doubt, I'd put $ on it.
It's not right. And Dr. Concussion, not even providing a name or recommendation on a facility, when she assured me she would help me find a new team... heartbreaking dishonesty.
It is so hard to find, as she herself put it, "the right fit" and now I am going in blind. I'm in the same boat, worse in some ways, now as I was when I was looking for them in the first place. I feel like I'm throwing money at doctors that don't know what they are doing. They will "help you" and treat you as long as it is convenient for them, as long as you are easy to treat and diagnose but when you are a challenge, they say, "too bad, we are now taking back our diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plan, there's the door, here's a band aid to cover the gushing wound from opening you up, because we are not going to finish with the procedures we started."
If my ankle surgeon were following their example, once he saw the panic in my eyes just before going under, he would have thought about wheeling me out. When he cut in and realized it was worse than he was expecting he would have stopped there, wheeled me out, then had his staff send me on my way, claiming that not only had I not been asleep but that he hadn't really even cut me open, I must have been making that up and they support it when he says he is done with treating a patient. "Further more" they would say "when he actually got to look inside he found that you had not disclosed the extent of your injury so, too bad, the facility will not treat you and we cannot be held accountable for any of it. Goodbye and good luck finding a new surgeon; check with your insurance."
That is what the equivalent would look like if the surgeon did the same. If it doesn't make sense or sounds crazy, you are right. IT IS CRAZY. Not me, the institution. This makes no sense for so many reasons but they know they can get away with it.
That is on my mind. keeping me up.
And it is even strange to me how it is keeping me up. I don't feel the heavy burden feelings that used to be so familiar, I am not manic, (hopefully it stays that way, hopefully lack of sleep won't be a trigger) and I don't feel anxious, overly worried or even all that angry. I don't understand very well what I am feeling now. I feel rather calm and determined. Yet tears come so frequently and raw emotions are easily exposed. Determined yet calm about it and not entirely sure where and why that determination lies or what direction it needs to be directed in.
I like work and that is good. I have been so much better at compartmentalizing and I like the focus I can put there but when I am home I mostly put it away, and this is a good change for me and my family.
... and so many other things keeping me up. like the blog post I started about lovely Janice, the post that I need to finish because it turns out, she touched on some very sensitive area's and basically summarized all I need to still face.
which brings me to the last thing I wish to mention that is keeping me up, and that is dear Perri. I still am back and forth on whether I should use his name or not, so it has come out now and again. Here it just feels better to call him dear Perri.
She and wise trusted friend from winter work (the ski resort) both pointed out some of the good he has done for me. (Interesting this happened 2 days in a row and timed now.) They both are attempting to help me find peace, I think. I actually do have peace already though and I even recognize that dear Perri has played a part in that.
So in my head are thoughts again of how do I protect him while helping myself? Standing up for myself? Do I need to stand up for myself?
Can I finally let it go? let it die?
Problems with that are: He gifted himself to my heart "you can keep me in your heart" so the psychology of undoing that is tricky... I have reclaimed my heart but separating him out does not seem wise or practical.
So how do I psychologically let it die without killing my heart? He has found a safe home there. In my head is probably not so safe for him, but I still like him there too. He is still my drug of choice in many ways. I enjoy the story. I love his face, his glasses that make his eyes seem just a little smaller than they really are. I love his creases and dimples when he smiles and I love how his eyes would light up when I saw him. I also loved that occasionally I could sense the most subtle or at least remarkably controlled frustrations with me. I love that he was cryptic at times. I love how he could find my words for me and with little effort he could land on what I was trying to express. Or at least seemed to. I loved how knowledgable he was. I loved his soft soothing voice. I love how he wore his shirts; always a long sleeve button up, with the sleeves folded to just below his elbows. I think it is funny that he rubbed his right eye with his right middle finger. I think it is funny that he said, with a hint of surprise, "you really have been listening to me." I think it is funny that I confused him so much. I loved "Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this." He was breaking my heart and yet I savor it. I loved how he'd talk about his kids. And, even if at times I wish he were, I love that he is not reading this, he has let me burn out. I love that he collects rocks and taught me about tokens (or was it totems). I love how he taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I love that he screwed up so bad with me, and didn't know how to fix it. Maybe I don't love that one, but I kind of do because I had him so high on a pedestal that it speaks loudly of just how complex I really am. It lets me know what I previously had not; I have been doing well all these years attempting to navigate some very difficult stuff with not much support. If I could screw a neuropsychologist up that bad without even trying; if he could miss that I was manic and straddling both worlds, I must be something special. It also teaches me that I really do need help if I'd like to be part of a team.
Sadly, though,
and this is where my love starts to fade
the problem of how this all has been handled reaffirms those "you aren't good enough for a team" messages. They are affirmations I have accepted time and time again "you don't fit in and you don't belong" as I have been abandoned and I abandon.
Janice, who has worked with my kind (TBI) knew it all too well. She was telling me how I was before I told her. When I told her where my brain had bled when I was 12 she knew a lot about what my teens years would have looked like and she explained how I can see the picture of the words or what I am trying to say, but I'd have trouble verbally recalling the words I needed. She understood why I felt frustration with not being able to articulate to my level of intelligence. She did not find this comment offensive or arrogant. (I think some people might simply because the comment itself is over their head or outside of their understanding) Janice worded for me, before I even attempted to explain that in my transference situation, since I was unable to and not allowed to work through my transference, dear Perri rejecting me became me rejecting me.
complex. but someone, seasoned and experienced, understood.
,,,and now I am tired. I want to sleep. My head, I hope, has enough out, that I might be able to.
I'll look to edit later.
Neuroscience Institute Facility Director, who I'd asked not be allowed to interact with patients, has sent me a letter terminating me from any of the doctors or providers there. Her reason: they cannot accommodate my behavioral health needs. What is that supposed to mean? what and why?
It feels like she is trying to turn me into a behavioral problem. It feels like gaslighting. I do not know who is behind it.
I think it may just be her but she, or someone, most certainly has been playing games with me and very likely my confidentiality rights were breached since the office staff started treating me very strange. I even had to check in at a different desk on my final appointment. They personally called me the day before to make sure I knew to check in at this other desk. Too bad their cover was blown [in that they were not doing this for everyone] when the new lady who: first; left me waiting by the "wait here" sign for like 10 minutes while she finished with whatever it was she was doing for the previous patient, which was not checking in, and second; she didn't recognize me personally and almost accidentally sent me to their actual check in desk but was quickly stopped by the girl I recognized from previous visits with a "wait! who are you here to see?" When I told here who, she said, "oh you check in over here," cutting new lady off when she started with the, "I thought check in..." response. When she asked my name I replied, "I bet you can guess" to which she nice-save-style stated, "uh, only because there isn't anyone else checking in right now." If she had been just a bit confused by my comment the facade would have been more believable.
Over the years, being the odd man out often, comfortable with the boys and not so much with the girls, and a misfit, I have developed that keen sense of knowing when people have been talking about someone behind their back, and of knowing when I am the hot topic for gossip.
And my checkin nurse, Dr. Concussion's assistant, who used to be friendly and fun to talk to, has zero to say to me, is cold and unfriendly.
I've been the topic of conversation no doubt, I'd put $ on it.
It's not right. And Dr. Concussion, not even providing a name or recommendation on a facility, when she assured me she would help me find a new team... heartbreaking dishonesty.
It is so hard to find, as she herself put it, "the right fit" and now I am going in blind. I'm in the same boat, worse in some ways, now as I was when I was looking for them in the first place. I feel like I'm throwing money at doctors that don't know what they are doing. They will "help you" and treat you as long as it is convenient for them, as long as you are easy to treat and diagnose but when you are a challenge, they say, "too bad, we are now taking back our diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plan, there's the door, here's a band aid to cover the gushing wound from opening you up, because we are not going to finish with the procedures we started."
If my ankle surgeon were following their example, once he saw the panic in my eyes just before going under, he would have thought about wheeling me out. When he cut in and realized it was worse than he was expecting he would have stopped there, wheeled me out, then had his staff send me on my way, claiming that not only had I not been asleep but that he hadn't really even cut me open, I must have been making that up and they support it when he says he is done with treating a patient. "Further more" they would say "when he actually got to look inside he found that you had not disclosed the extent of your injury so, too bad, the facility will not treat you and we cannot be held accountable for any of it. Goodbye and good luck finding a new surgeon; check with your insurance."
That is what the equivalent would look like if the surgeon did the same. If it doesn't make sense or sounds crazy, you are right. IT IS CRAZY. Not me, the institution. This makes no sense for so many reasons but they know they can get away with it.
That is on my mind. keeping me up.
And it is even strange to me how it is keeping me up. I don't feel the heavy burden feelings that used to be so familiar, I am not manic, (hopefully it stays that way, hopefully lack of sleep won't be a trigger) and I don't feel anxious, overly worried or even all that angry. I don't understand very well what I am feeling now. I feel rather calm and determined. Yet tears come so frequently and raw emotions are easily exposed. Determined yet calm about it and not entirely sure where and why that determination lies or what direction it needs to be directed in.
I like work and that is good. I have been so much better at compartmentalizing and I like the focus I can put there but when I am home I mostly put it away, and this is a good change for me and my family.
... and so many other things keeping me up. like the blog post I started about lovely Janice, the post that I need to finish because it turns out, she touched on some very sensitive area's and basically summarized all I need to still face.
which brings me to the last thing I wish to mention that is keeping me up, and that is dear Perri. I still am back and forth on whether I should use his name or not, so it has come out now and again. Here it just feels better to call him dear Perri.
She and wise trusted friend from winter work (the ski resort) both pointed out some of the good he has done for me. (Interesting this happened 2 days in a row and timed now.) They both are attempting to help me find peace, I think. I actually do have peace already though and I even recognize that dear Perri has played a part in that.
So in my head are thoughts again of how do I protect him while helping myself? Standing up for myself? Do I need to stand up for myself?
Can I finally let it go? let it die?
Problems with that are: He gifted himself to my heart "you can keep me in your heart" so the psychology of undoing that is tricky... I have reclaimed my heart but separating him out does not seem wise or practical.
So how do I psychologically let it die without killing my heart? He has found a safe home there. In my head is probably not so safe for him, but I still like him there too. He is still my drug of choice in many ways. I enjoy the story. I love his face, his glasses that make his eyes seem just a little smaller than they really are. I love his creases and dimples when he smiles and I love how his eyes would light up when I saw him. I also loved that occasionally I could sense the most subtle or at least remarkably controlled frustrations with me. I love that he was cryptic at times. I love how he could find my words for me and with little effort he could land on what I was trying to express. Or at least seemed to. I loved how knowledgable he was. I loved his soft soothing voice. I love how he wore his shirts; always a long sleeve button up, with the sleeves folded to just below his elbows. I think it is funny that he rubbed his right eye with his right middle finger. I think it is funny that he said, with a hint of surprise, "you really have been listening to me." I think it is funny that I confused him so much. I loved "Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this." He was breaking my heart and yet I savor it. I loved how he'd talk about his kids. And, even if at times I wish he were, I love that he is not reading this, he has let me burn out. I love that he collects rocks and taught me about tokens (or was it totems). I love how he taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I love that he screwed up so bad with me, and didn't know how to fix it. Maybe I don't love that one, but I kind of do because I had him so high on a pedestal that it speaks loudly of just how complex I really am. It lets me know what I previously had not; I have been doing well all these years attempting to navigate some very difficult stuff with not much support. If I could screw a neuropsychologist up that bad without even trying; if he could miss that I was manic and straddling both worlds, I must be something special. It also teaches me that I really do need help if I'd like to be part of a team.
Sadly, though,
and this is where my love starts to fade
the problem of how this all has been handled reaffirms those "you aren't good enough for a team" messages. They are affirmations I have accepted time and time again "you don't fit in and you don't belong" as I have been abandoned and I abandon.
Janice, who has worked with my kind (TBI) knew it all too well. She was telling me how I was before I told her. When I told her where my brain had bled when I was 12 she knew a lot about what my teens years would have looked like and she explained how I can see the picture of the words or what I am trying to say, but I'd have trouble verbally recalling the words I needed. She understood why I felt frustration with not being able to articulate to my level of intelligence. She did not find this comment offensive or arrogant. (I think some people might simply because the comment itself is over their head or outside of their understanding) Janice worded for me, before I even attempted to explain that in my transference situation, since I was unable to and not allowed to work through my transference, dear Perri rejecting me became me rejecting me.
complex. but someone, seasoned and experienced, understood.
,,,and now I am tired. I want to sleep. My head, I hope, has enough out, that I might be able to.
I'll look to edit later.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Gravity
Shoot,
the brain is really going again.
Rapid releases for relief
What goes up must come down
delaying down won't stop it
thought I'd made it through. Hope I did, but tears they keep coming, hitting unexpectedly. Not sad just coping and embracing and allowing
btw: on lexapro again, half of a half, not the dose or refill they prescribed uninvited with termination from Concussion Dr.
Tired
but brain is busy, writing and re-writing stories
more than one way to skin a cat
time to compartmentalize. set it aside and get done what we were distracted from. But welcome distraction. A God send
the brain is really going again.
Rapid releases for relief
What goes up must come down
delaying down won't stop it
thought I'd made it through. Hope I did, but tears they keep coming, hitting unexpectedly. Not sad just coping and embracing and allowing
btw: on lexapro again, half of a half, not the dose or refill they prescribed uninvited with termination from Concussion Dr.
Tired
but brain is busy, writing and re-writing stories
more than one way to skin a cat
time to compartmentalize. set it aside and get done what we were distracted from. But welcome distraction. A God send
Free from pain or fighting for the underdogs?
Stories. So many stories. and I get to write my own.
take care of you they all say
Janice,
she's right.
concern all my life, taking care of others
focus on your strengths
-that is-
stand up for the underdog
but our strengths can be our greatest weaknesses
so do I take on Goliath?
Who is the real underdog
me
or he, owned by the industry?
Or they, the others whom the bureaucracy, is claiming to help?
he can't practice according to his conscience.
I do know that much.
they want him to do more testing and less therapy.
But he is amazing and very good at therapy
and testing, but he has the power to change people in healthy happy ways through therapy
Like Janice said
and she is correct
"he has changed you for the better." Hold onto that, be careful where my focus goes
I bet, that even changed, that can still be a slippery slop
best to be aware.
don't head down the slop
the one I was afraid of slipping down when I said "I can't loose you right now"
I knew I wasn't on solid ground
So slow I crept along the edge of that slippery slop so I wouldn't fall back into the same traps and ruts.
I am not the same but I am also still not in the clear
and it was good to be reminded.
Life is so very very interesting and God really does put people in our paths at times.
"I don't know what it looks like yet" I said to the Facility Director the first time I talked with her, "but I know I need to stand up for myself"
Stories, where will this one go? Where will I take it?
It does not die here
that much I know.
I let myself die and I'm on the other side
how will the story go from here?
A few rough drafts I'll try
I like to work that way anyway.
Input welcome
take care of you they all say
Janice,
she's right.
concern all my life, taking care of others
focus on your strengths
-that is-
stand up for the underdog
but our strengths can be our greatest weaknesses
so do I take on Goliath?
Who is the real underdog
me
or he, owned by the industry?
Or they, the others whom the bureaucracy, is claiming to help?
he can't practice according to his conscience.
I do know that much.
they want him to do more testing and less therapy.
But he is amazing and very good at therapy
and testing, but he has the power to change people in healthy happy ways through therapy
Like Janice said
and she is correct
"he has changed you for the better." Hold onto that, be careful where my focus goes
I bet, that even changed, that can still be a slippery slop
best to be aware.
don't head down the slop
the one I was afraid of slipping down when I said "I can't loose you right now"
I knew I wasn't on solid ground
So slow I crept along the edge of that slippery slop so I wouldn't fall back into the same traps and ruts.
I am not the same but I am also still not in the clear
and it was good to be reminded.
Life is so very very interesting and God really does put people in our paths at times.
"I don't know what it looks like yet" I said to the Facility Director the first time I talked with her, "but I know I need to stand up for myself"
Stories, where will this one go? Where will I take it?
It does not die here
that much I know.
I let myself die and I'm on the other side
how will the story go from here?
A few rough drafts I'll try
I like to work that way anyway.
Input welcome
his eyes are just sweaty, that's all
**another interesting (probably fact): the sex drive is likely the reason husband is not complaining. He says this has been the hardest thing on our marriage, he complains about the bills, and truthfully he doesn't like to fight this kind of fight, but he would have either left or Neuroscience Institute would have had a few more angry phone calls and heard more from him if it weren't for that (sex).
... it is very surprising and fascinating to me that he feels this has been the hardest thing on our marriage. For me it has not because we have dealt with some really hardshit things, that have about ended us many times. Deaths, dysfunctional families, parents and siblings loosing all financial stability, health problems, mental health issues, ADHD (him), OCD (him), PTSD (me), CEN (both), depression (both), anxiety, what some label as bipolar but what we have come to realize is TBI (both) coupled with the stresses of life, poverty, welfare, separation, corrupt jobs... Lots of fun stuff in 20 years. No wonder I buried so many of my stories, and so much of me.
But
there has also been a lot of good and fun
and after making that sidetracked, slightly derailed, list
I am pretty proud of us and how we have handled such adversity.
No turning to affairs, drinking, or drugs and we know we can trust each other.
That is refreshing and nice.
... it is very surprising and fascinating to me that he feels this has been the hardest thing on our marriage. For me it has not because we have dealt with some really hard
But
there has also been a lot of good and fun
and after making that sidetracked, slightly derailed, list
I am pretty proud of us and how we have handled such adversity.
No turning to affairs, drinking, or drugs and we know we can trust each other.
That is refreshing and nice.
Not sleeping well again
A new goal of mine is to really work on my executive functioning skills. Time management, space management, and memory management, the main components of executive functioning are all things I've wanted to do better at for a very long time. Not surprising, those 3 things are a common increased struggle after TBI; so for me it has been pretty much a lifetime struggle.
Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.
Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.
Friday, June 14, 2019
Art Therapy
During therapy, Dr. Cheri encouraged me to do things that were just plain relaxing. The goal was to help my tired, push-crash-cycling, and concussed brain slow down and get the breaks it needed so it may recover more fully. One of the activities I chose to do occasionally was to paint.
Full disclosure: I am not a painter nor an artist. I do, however, like to play with paint and after a lesson from my beautiful artist sister-in-law on how to do that I have found allowing myself the freedom to explore that medium without pressure or judgement from myself or anyone else to be very therapeutic and satisfying.
Here I will share:
This second picture was painted when I was trying so hard to recover from the mania and the massive melt down of whatever it was that transpired in therapy. Initially I had started painting a water drop, something I had wanted to do after noticing the beauty in the shape and reflections of water drops on glass. I had started that and left it. Days later I decided to use the canvas for another therapeutic free play session. My thoughts were on "letting it burn out;" something dear Perri had shared with me on how he had resolved or would resolve himself to move on from me. (More words that hurt me deeply and have been denied in this whole ridiculous ordeal, but that he assuredly has stuck to, and I have likely helped him with, as I was burning up inside). The picture very much created itself, and though it is messy and unskilled, I love it because of all the images that seemed to come out in this very unintentional piece. In the end I did slightly enhance two figures I saw in it and somehow the water droplet remained but aside from that there were no intentional images created. I love this one. It is deep and intense to me as I achieved some artistic texture and complexity that I have no experience with.
This last canvas started out as a completely different mess of artistic expression and creation that I did not love. It was another exercise. Even a second attempt to let it burn out more completely. I was hoping the second attempt, a more intentional attempt to let this whole deal die out, would kill it completely. Not surprisingly, it did not work, and as I confess my thoughts I realize how silly they were; how silly it was to attempt to structure a burning out that really was about me burning out. No wonder it looked very much like an attempt at an underwater scene. Since I didn't like it much I decided to paint over it the other day. I needed the the therapeutic activity to help me relax after the two damning letters from the IHC corporation.
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?
 |
| The Puzzle of my Broken Brain |
This first painting I painted was while early in therapy with Dr. Cheri. It may have been the first painting where I really let myself explore and be free, without much thought or care on what I was painting or the finished product. It was messy and relaxing, and I enjoyed the process. Upon completion as I looked at my painting from afar, I felt as if I had just achieved my teen and adolescent desire to open my head, dump out the mess that was inside and sort it out like a puzzle so I could understand what was happening in there.
I shared this picture and experience with Dr. Cheri to which he replied with a comment I will not share here because, out of context, it sounds and feels very wrong. I will say this much, I figured he was testing the intimacy and my security of sharing something like this, deep inside I knew he was also testing my feelings about him; testing me for transference. My reply then, "No, that'd be way more terrifying." Later I referenced his comment in my frustrated rebuttal to what felt like his accusations of stalking when I was seeking clarification. This was the comment that female therapist I tried found so offensive but failed to ask why I had said it.
 |
| Letting it Burn Out |
 |
| The Scarlet Letter |
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?
IHC Office of Patient Experiences Review
The Patient Experiences team with IHC , the patient advocates, their investigation process, is simply a ploy to give them a running head start with their legal team; to gather and and start compiling their case against you. A way for them to know ahead of time exactly what they need to do, and to try to preemptively create a manipulated trail of evidence they can use against you, so that any case they plead, in defense against your complaints, is airtight.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Off with her head
Close to my heart I hold the crystals we found at topaz mountain
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take
Neuroscience Institute Murray, Utah
Here we go again.
Lying awake due to games being played with me by IHC or maybe just the Neuroscience Institute in Murray, Utah. I am being so bold now as to publish the name because this is and has been so very wrong and people who may desire to go there deserve to be warned.
I am so tired but cannot sleep.
I would have been more okay but today I got a second letter from them. Sent certified $6.85. My daughter had to sign for it. (after all we have been throng with them this was upsetting to her BTW)
I thought is was a repeat from the patient advocate. the BS of the appeal. so I did not bother to look at it. but my husband did.
It's not the same. It's a termination and letting me know that I am not allowed back for treatment of any kind with the neuroscience Institute because "our clinic cannot provide the ongoing behavioral health treatment you need related to your traumatic brain injury."
The letter also informs me that Concussion Dr. will not be following through with her commitment to me to give a recommendation on a psychiatrist-psychologist team or even just a psychiatrist but rather "Your insurance company can provide resources for finding a provider to manage your ongoing behavioral health concerns, and we encourage you to reach out to them to facilitate this process."
-Oh how sweet of them.
My concerns expressed to Concussion Dr. about blindly throwing money at trying to find the "right fit" she was encouraging me to find, the reasons I was asking for her help and recommendations, are completely disregarded and now "behavioral health concerns."
The "prior undisclosed mental health issue's" that I begged to have acknowledged as they came flooding back to my memory and connected PTSD style to my previous TBI are now "behavioral health concerns" that they are incapable and incompetent of handling.
Beautiful, isn't it?
And second letter is signed by the only person they acknowledged made any mistakes and would be held accountable, which is also the person I asked not be allowed any contact with patients because of how she treated me. Why on earth would it be okay for her to be the one contacting me to confirm the frustration I expressed to Concussion Dr's assistant; that I have, in fact and reality, been ostracized by the facility?
Lying awake due to games being played with me by IHC or maybe just the Neuroscience Institute in Murray, Utah. I am being so bold now as to publish the name because this is and has been so very wrong and people who may desire to go there deserve to be warned.
I am so tired but cannot sleep.
I would have been more okay but today I got a second letter from them. Sent certified $6.85. My daughter had to sign for it. (after all we have been throng with them this was upsetting to her BTW)
I thought is was a repeat from the patient advocate. the BS of the appeal. so I did not bother to look at it. but my husband did.
It's not the same. It's a termination and letting me know that I am not allowed back for treatment of any kind with the neuroscience Institute because "our clinic cannot provide the ongoing behavioral health treatment you need related to your traumatic brain injury."
The letter also informs me that Concussion Dr. will not be following through with her commitment to me to give a recommendation on a psychiatrist-psychologist team or even just a psychiatrist but rather "Your insurance company can provide resources for finding a provider to manage your ongoing behavioral health concerns, and we encourage you to reach out to them to facilitate this process."
-Oh how sweet of them.
My concerns expressed to Concussion Dr. about blindly throwing money at trying to find the "right fit" she was encouraging me to find, the reasons I was asking for her help and recommendations, are completely disregarded and now "behavioral health concerns."
The "prior undisclosed mental health issue's" that I begged to have acknowledged as they came flooding back to my memory and connected PTSD style to my previous TBI are now "behavioral health concerns" that they are incapable and incompetent of handling.
Beautiful, isn't it?
And second letter is signed by the only person they acknowledged made any mistakes and would be held accountable, which is also the person I asked not be allowed any contact with patients because of how she treated me. Why on earth would it be okay for her to be the one contacting me to confirm the frustration I expressed to Concussion Dr's assistant; that I have, in fact and reality, been ostracized by the facility?
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Dear John, ... Love, God
6/11/2019 4:22am
I’ve been lying awake for some time now. Even though so many people have told me there is nothing you can do, (the giant IHC will do what they want) I am still in shock. It baffles me that they have faked so much and gone so far and accept no responsibility, will admit no wrong doing.
As I am lying awake I think of my meme: Not Maniac? Then God really does have a message for you.
And I think of his lack of reply when I asked “Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?”
I think of how this seems to drive that final nail of evidence that he was.
I think about his comment, “I don’t believe in forever anymore”
And of the chakra visible Yin and Yang that appeared in his office
God's message to him through me may look something like this:
I do. and I’ll find you in forever
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence.
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence.
When I find you, I’ll feel like a God to you as I pull you out of your darkness
and As you realize your truth,
The truth that will either free us both from the lies of this situation
Or that will burn you up.
A burn that will ignite inside of you to the degree of Hell.
The burn that I have felt an inkling of as you lit and played with the fire of my personal chemistry.
I was not your personal chemistry set.
I am not a toy.
I am not a toy.
And though you helped me realize
That I am simply human and allowed to be
-That I do not wish to be a god and do not have to be-
I will feel like One to you
as I reach for you
and your truths are revealed.
So… will you deny my mania?
The way you have denied connection
The way you deny responsibility for the mess you know I should not be blamed for?
It’d be so much easier if I were devoid of the symptoms you deny
Then I could forget
And I would not need to solve
But alas, the sad reality is that I am not.
And that I am not David
Though I might now go looking for him
To bring down the Goliath that you hide behind.
So, dear friend, was I manic or not?
Or is this too deep for you the way those potentially troublesome emails were too deep for your superiors? [Now what were you so worried about? Or did you have to work to manipulate them to overlook it ...kind of like the way you manipulated me?…Hoping you could alter what I was seeing when you knew I was seeing right through you -when you knew before I did …because I am/was slow at processing new information in the time of my broken brain. Too bad I know so many tricks. Too bad I have the experience you now call “prior undisclosed”]
Will this be your reality? Or will you find God again?
I hope you will find God, because he loves you so much more than I do.
(and only He can save you from this hell you have created)
Thor
this draft is a bit messy but I'm publishing anyway because its a good segue into the next, and this blog is about letting it come out how it will anyway.
6/9/2019 9:55 driving home
I have written about so many different things in so many different places lately and for so many different audiences that I am not sure if I have written about this here, on the blog:
“You are very intuitive” is in my head. It wants to be written about and published.
Intuition is something I had to, -or maybe not “had to” but simply- learned to, rely on as neuroplasticity was occurring in response to my young TBI.
I have said this before. Have I said it here? I could spend time looking back or I can repeat. …It is funny how we call some repetition rumination. Repetition is a very effective learning tool. In many forms we call it practice. So at what point does repetition become rumination? And at what point does what we learn, realize, observe, absorb, feel and sense become intuition?
My intuition is pretty good at this point. But so is my ability to explore possibilities. The more times one swings a hammer the more likely they are to hit the nail on the head.
Swinging the hammer?
This is a new thought…
Swinging the hammer so many times is more likely hit the nail on the head but it is also more likely to create a few holes in the wall. …
Don’t leave a hammer in the hands of an undisciplined swinging child?
Stop swinging the hammer, recenter, focus on the nail, test at close range, then again further and further as you your strike becomes more presise ? Thus driving the nail in with intention?
So many possible analogies and directions, lessons that can be learned.
Driving the nail
The final nail
…Left to drive this nail into my own coffin?
Maybe I don’t want to hit the nail on the head
Maybe take the nail out
Maybe then the swinging hard and fast is appropriate
Because in the coffin is not where I belong
If you have to drive the nail into the coffin of the child that is not dead then keep the hammer in the hands of the wild swinging child. Let them break the coffin, all on their own, when you know you can’t. when your hands are tied.
Intuition Is that you speaking?
IHC do you create coffins for the undead? Driving nails when insurance, politics and greed says to?
Swing that hammer wild child, Redirect your rumination. Use that to your advantage. -you may not be able to bring down the fort (manufacturer) but maybe you’ll bust free from the premature coffin you've been put in, before that final nail is driven.
It’s arbitrary.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions
Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions
Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Triggered
The other day at work while I listened to one of the kids try to work over my boss, I was feeling things.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?
I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?
I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me.
Watching this situation unfold hurt me. I was triggered.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Push backs or spiral thinking?
Pay attention to the push back was one of the lessons I learned from the book I recently loved, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."
Push back last night came fast and angry. I felt ganged up on.
I was in the wrong, but not entirely and not just me.
"but" -does that undermine my accepting responsibility?
I don't want to circle think, I don't want to be feeling so insecure and second guessing myself so much. But I feel there is something to the push back.
Am I bpd? Is my husband? both?
Or do I just loose too much mood stability when I am past my 80%?
Is it both? or all?
And what do I do about it?
clearly husband...
...nope, no clearly there.
Do I allow myself to visit the reasons for the explosive and angry push back directed at my whole family? Do I validate and justify my pain and frustration? Or am I a bad person?
I feel like I am not allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I feel confused about this.
I feel confused often about how the words that come out of peoples mouths do not match their actions. Do I do this too?
I think to be human may mean we are walking contradictions.
Last night I lashed out with words
I felt backed into a corner
I knew I had made mistakes and I knew that I was wrong when
I was being accused of attacking while I was feeling very attacked
I was tired
looking back it is so easy to see now how I should have, could have, even would have, handled both situations differently (last nights and the night before -what last nights was about),
but at the same time I think I feel more angry and frustrated than sorry.
And I know the common thread is me
which just makes me more angry
...Maybe that is to combat the sense of worthlessness that started to flare up again?
Do I just stop fighting the feelings and working to prove that I am not worthless?
Last night I said to myself "I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to keep fighting this fight"
but with that, the only thing I could see was leaving.
...leaving I'm still left with me
I'm always left with me
Which may be what hell really is
If I don't solve this
-this issue of being a me that is unlovable
...and now I will be judged "feeling sorry for myself" "victimizing myself" "trying to manipulate"
withhold judgement please, this blog is for being honest, this is my safe place, and those words are not the words I use when I push back.
Am I saying that in other ways? Am I trying to prove to others that I am what I am feeling?
Am I my feelings because I feel so intensely?
round and round I go like bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi
...In the end I am still left with me
the common thread
that can't seem to get it right in caring and communicating
-what am I fighting for?
I'm not fighting to win, I am fighting to survive.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
Message Received
"You are not worth my time.
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist
-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-
This absolute reinforcement of lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist
-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-
This absolute reinforcement of lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt
Friday, May 24, 2019
You only have as much value as you give yourself
I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me
Sunday, May 19, 2019
1+1=2 fixing me and you
Solving.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
"don't try to"
"what will it accomplish?"
Why do I have this drive to solve?
"I think you wake up with 80% already spent" says my husband. Often he is right. But why am I waking up with less than 20% of my reserves left?
I'll wake up with an epiphany...my brain is still solving even when I am asleep.
Solving
why and what do I hope to accomplish?
"...it's a matter of how I try to solve..."
Even when I am not trying, it is, or it has become, so deeply engrained in me that I am even doing it in my sleep.
epiphany
but still too tired to get up and type it out because I'm waking up worn out
solving because I know too many people that are unhappy, in pain, and causing others pain because they don't want to solve themselves. They don't want to fix their own problems.
Sometimes they'd rather blame,
sometimes it is uncomfortable
sometimes it is scary to face yourself, your fears, your vulnerabilities
To admit you are wrong and try doing things or looking at things a different way. So you leave it alone and don't try to solve and the pain continues, perpetuated, and projected.
Can it be solved?
Is this my way of attempting to control what feels painful and out of control? to control what I cannot.
Maybe.
Yesterday, tired, brain not wanting to turn off, I wanted it too stop solving.
It did. I turned off the self reflection and attempts to solve... compartmentalized and suppressed.
because I was exhausted
I have done this before. turned off the solving and self-reflection. Sometimes it is an effective tool. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes, if I push the "this's" down, they come out in other ways. they start nagging, biting and pushing buttons.
Yesterday IKEA. I am not solving, I am being present and enjoying the moment... but only now I am fighting urges that are suggesting I am unsatisfied with the normal and mundane. Urges that think it would be interesting to see and hear what that blue porcelain vase would look and sound like if I dropped it on the concrete floor or that wish to ask any random man if he'd like to have sex.
Where does that stuff even come from? I don't solve this time, I try to stay present. But it's a lie, I am still solving as I maintain my composure and agree to follow the societal norms and expectations instead of just being what I am in the moment. And I am likely trying to solve again as I observe my thoughts and urges, feel curious about them, where they are coming from and why?
Yesterday's Ikea thoughts, urges and desires were a bit out of character. Not that I have never felt or had thought things like this before but that it has been a very long time and they had a different feel to them.
I wonder what others are thinking and feeling as they walk amongst strangers acting so well behaved.
Are they thinking similar thoughts? Do they ever wish to hear things shatter out of curiosity? Do they wish to have sex with some random stranger just to settle whatever chemistry is surging? Do they wish to break the boring confines of societal norms because it all seems so pointless and silly?
What does this all mean anyway?
Do I need help solving this?
Concussion Dr. said she would help me find a new team. Maybe a psychiatrist-therapist combo. But I have not heard anything from her. I am not surprised and I guess her now cold-to-me assistant may have something to do with this.
Time to solve again.
Time to find a new team so they can take some of this solving burden
the burden that was multiplied with the directions "don't try to solve this" and the abandonment that followed.
sigh.
But I solve because my epiphany reminds me that solving is better (to me) than hurting and causing harm, it's better than suppressing what will only break out in some other, likely destructive, way.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Equations for Chemistry
My drug of choice?
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.
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