Art Therapy

During therapy, Dr. Cheri encouraged me to do things that were just plain relaxing. The goal was to help my tired, push-crash-cycling, and concussed brain slow down and get the breaks it needed so it may recover more fully. One of the activities I chose to do occasionally was to paint.

Full disclosure: I am not a painter nor an artist. I do, however, like to play with paint and after a lesson from my beautiful artist sister-in-law on how to do that I have found allowing myself the freedom to explore that medium without pressure or judgement from myself or anyone else to be very therapeutic and satisfying. 

Here I will share:

The Puzzle of my Broken Brain

This first painting I painted was while early in therapy with Dr. Cheri. It may have been the first painting where I really let myself explore and be free, without much thought or care on what I was painting or the finished product. It was messy and relaxing, and I enjoyed the process. Upon completion as I looked at my painting from afar, I felt as if I had just achieved my teen and adolescent desire to open my head, dump out the mess that was inside and sort it out like a puzzle so I could understand what was happening in there. 

I shared this picture and experience with Dr. Cheri to which he replied with a comment I will not share here because, out of context, it sounds and feels very wrong. I will say this much, I figured he was testing the intimacy and my security of sharing something like this, deep inside I knew he was also testing my feelings about him; testing me for transference. My reply then, "No, that'd be way more terrifying." Later I referenced his comment in my frustrated rebuttal to what felt like his accusations of stalking when I was seeking clarification. This was the comment that female therapist I tried found so offensive but failed to ask why I had said it. 

Letting it Burn Out

 This second picture was painted when I was trying so hard to recover from the mania and the massive melt down of whatever it was that transpired in therapy. Initially I had started painting a water drop, something I had wanted to do after noticing the beauty in the shape and reflections of water drops on glass. I had started that and left it. Days later I decided to use the canvas for another therapeutic free play session. My thoughts were on "letting it burn out;" something dear Perri had shared with me on how he had resolved or would resolve himself to move on from me. (More words that hurt me deeply and have been denied in this whole ridiculous ordeal, but that he assuredly has stuck to, and I have likely helped him with, as I was burning up inside). The picture very much created itself, and though it is messy and unskilled, I love it because of all the images that seemed to come out in this very unintentional piece. In the end I did slightly enhance two figures I saw in it and somehow the water droplet remained but aside from that there were no intentional images created. I love this one. It is deep and intense to me as I achieved some artistic texture and complexity that I have no experience with.

The Scarlet Letter

This last canvas started out as a completely different mess of artistic expression and creation that I did not love. It was another exercise. Even a second attempt to let it burn out more completely. I was hoping the second attempt, a more intentional attempt to let this whole deal die out, would kill it completely. Not surprisingly, it did not work, and as I confess my thoughts I realize how silly they were; how silly it was to attempt to structure a burning out that really was about me burning out. No wonder it looked very much like an attempt at an underwater scene. Since I didn't like it much I decided to paint over it the other day. I needed the the therapeutic activity to help me relax after the two damning letters from the IHC corporation.
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?