A new goal of mine is to really work on my executive functioning skills. Time management, space management, and memory management, the main components of executive functioning are all things I've wanted to do better at for a very long time. Not surprising, those 3 things are a common increased struggle after TBI; so for me it has been pretty much a lifetime struggle.
Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.
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