A Fighting Chance

Brains are so weird. The faster they go the slower you are. At least that has been true for me.
Now that my brain is slowing and things are not going so fast all of the time, I am faster at what I am doing and even faster at processing. I can keep better track of where I am and what I am doing in the moment.
I'm more of who I am, even though I am experiencing so much less.
Things make sense and they don't, but I can handle it much better either way.
I don't think I am entirely out of the woods yet, but I am very happy to be feeling so... normal.
Not that I ever am. Not that anyone ever is. But I can say that this feeling of stability, even with the new tired and sometimes tight or dizzy head, is refreshing.
It is times like this that I really feel happy. Happy about being happy. Sometimes that scares me a bit but then I notice how this happy is different. It is just happy and not overly excited trying to contain the burst of my piñata self. It is not overly ecstatic for no reason at all and feeling as a child trying to sleep the night before Christmas. It is just pleasant, run of the mill happy. Which then makes me a bit more happy and I may feel a slight surge of that overly happy ...and that is why I do not think I am entirely out of the woods -yet.
These are also the times when I realize just how "crazy" I am or was, or however you would like to word it. It can be quite embarrassing but I have let that pass, because, just like their is no point to being embarrassed about the tears in the grocery store when I couldn't control them and they were hitting me so wildly and spontaneously that I would have gotten nothing done ever if I let them embarrass me, there is no point to being embarrassed about them now.
...Although I am still angry about them. And there may be a point to that. Anger is my least favorite emotion but right now, it is likely what I need to be, because my friends, I am now okay enough to feel that emotion too.
YAY for anger.
But BOO for the Neuroscience Institute who will feed you suicide and then nurture through Patient Experiences and with their whole team. Such a great patient experience Eh? Jack Asses. Maybe that is now his new name: Dr. Jack Ass and Dr. Jack Ass MD and Jack Ass Office Director and Jack Ass Patient Advocate and Jacked Dr.'s Assistant Ass. I loved them all and trusted them all, and it does make me sad that these are now their names, but at least they can be proud because THEY EARNED THEM!
...and I am sorry it turned to them again. I hope this anger will melt and fade like the suicidal tendencies/symptoms did so quickly with the proper acknowledgment and care.
...Then again, maybe now is really the time to stand up for myself and speak out against their very bad policies.
Maybe now, the journey really begins. And I can actually smile at that, I can embrace my creativity and my side streets thinking and you better believe, this new me, Stands A Fighting Chance!

*really I wanted to talk about how fun my freaked out brain is. It is fascinating, but I'll save that for later. Apparently I have my surprisingly goodnatured guest Anger to host first.