Wild and free... Can't catch me

I'm going to let my imagination run wild and free for a moment.
Because I feel like it.
Because I keep finding myself stuck in meaningless mind numbing activities like word games on my phone.
Because they offer some strange sense of accomplishment when I am actually doing nothing at all. ...but not nothing at all at the same time.
I am suppressing.
So I'll counter that for a moment by allowing my mind to wander free.

I can help free you from your box if you let me. If you are willing to put in the work. But I will warn you; outside of the box comes with it's own set of challenges, risks and even danger. But you know that, which is why you stay safely tucked inside.
...And sometimes we free ourselves from the box only to find that box is boxed inside another box. Then it becomes something like peeling away the layers of the onion
from the inside out.
boxes, onions, bunions
who cares?
Now I wonder why? and they all say, you will never get the answers you seek. But why not? And really, I think that is simply not good enough for me.
If I seek the answer I will find it.
I will find something anyway.
I will gain understanding.
It may be me that answers the question or figures out the answer, it may come from some place unexpected.
But when people tell me, you'll never get your questions answered I find myself challenged more than appeased. "It's about acceptance" they might say. Fine, then I search until I accept. ;)
I am fine with that.
They may not be.
But I am.
I am not unhappy,
because I admit my faults and my vulnerabilities, because I will answer honestly how I am doing in that moment and over all.
That does not mean I am unhappy, unsatisfied or in a negative place.
Because I admit that I am struggling, to find my balance, and to understand who and what I am and where I fit, that does not mean I am in a bad place.
On the contrary,
I know and understand my struggles and what I am working for which puts me in a very good place. By admitting that I am not entirely sure who I am I become confident in who I am. It is Tao-ish I suppose.
And struggle is neither good nor bad. Struggle is a necessary part of life, development, and growth.
A baby will never learn to walk if they do not struggle.
So
I want to know why he, Dr. Cheri, and his shitty facility, don't want to talk to me. Why he denies mania, why he won't allow for a conversation and clarification. I want to know what he knows and why he has chosen the direction he has. I want to know how they can justify the alienating instead of helping. They clearly made mistakes. We all do. But they deny mania, deny misdiagnosis or missed diagnosis, they will not listen when I am trying to tell them what is going on. Until they decide to use what I said was going on as their reason to banish me.
Why? It is so irrational and illogical. A definite form of gaslighting. Use and abuse of their positions and authority.
A harsh hypocrisy of the industry, the facility.
A glaring hole in the APA rules.
Why won't he explain? Is he stuck inside a box? not so intelligent and openminded as I thought? as he thinks?
Is he protecting himself from his own corrupt industry, trying to preserve what he has invested so much of his life in?
Why is he avoiding responsibility? Why is he denying he has made mistakes?
Is he simply a coward? Is he a narcissist? Is he a manipulative mastermind with diabolical intentions, guilty of serious offense and keeping himself from being caught? Or is he a runner?
He did leave his country of origin. His family, his home. He is divorced. Or claimed to be.
And there is something potentially diabolical; his supposed ex-wife, still has herself listed as married -with the same last name- on FB. She has changed her profile picture, but not her marital status. It has been a year from the month Dr. Cheri claimed he had divorced her; longer from separation.
I know this about his ex or [not ex] wife's FB status because, many times, I have considered contacting her, asking exactly what kind of man I was dealing with; asking if it is possible he is a diabolical mastermind who needs to be caught.
But he is pretty brilliant and tricky, and even safeguarded himself from this, by dropping subtle hints that she was making his life difficult. So of course I won't contact her, she'd absolutely use it against him, use it to hurt him and spite him if she is similar to so many women I distrust. A fact about me that he knew.
And it is silly that I still think to protect him at all. That I worry about his interest at all, when he clearly has no concern for me and mine, is willing to do harm to me, even though he was paid and morally, legally and ethically obligated to be concerned and protect my interest...
Aaahh stupid me
and oh stupid he.
What a freaking Jackass
"Fuck him" says my friend thinking I am more messed up than I really am.
But there in lies the problem.
The way he screwed with me, the way it messed with my chemistry, the taboo, the things he did that were helpful and that I was drawn to...
...the problem with "Fuck him"... I still kind of wish I could, literally in the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge kind of way.
WHAT THE HELL?
Remember, wild and free, that is me.
But also I know, in reality, I likely wound not if I were given the chance. And he may know that too. so he is punishing me? I don't know.
But reality kills fantasy rather quickly, that much I know. And it would have been nice if he could have returned the favor.
The reality of my insanity, I am certain, killed his fantasy but he won't allow me the same.
What an ass.
Which is how I know I wouldn't really fuck him if I could
and then I see that he may just be sticking to the box he was trained in, because that double edge sword will cut it all down, even if it cuts me down with it.
And in that I find an inkling of liking for him again, but, not really because he is still inside the box and he took it too far.

...And yet there lies another interesting possibility;
It was grooming and countertransference.
Caught in his own trap
by broken little me.

He is not out of my league, I am way too far out of his.
Broken as can be
but
Wild and free,
you can't catch me