the new Scientology

They called the cops on me. Sent a fleet to my house.  Not because I was there threatening them, but because I let them know how their decisions and treatment is effecting me....

When I was under their care their concern was not heightened. I let them know what I was struggling with. The reality of how things were effecting me. The message received and my concern. I let them know I was struggling to believe I was of any value at all. I let them know I had to stand up for myself to try and counter the destructive psychology of the messages they were sending. I let them know I was not trying to fight against them but that I was fighting for me, fighting for my life. I told them I knew how to handle the suicidal thoughts, but I was needing their help figuring out what this new crap was that was going on with my head.

Their concerns were not heightened then. Instead they did all they could to avoid dealing with me and to reinforce the messages received that I was not worth helping, nor was there any other place that they knew of that could help me, and the messages received and confirmed that I am a liability and should be disposed of.

These messages received from a place you trusted so completely and that has the authority, training, and education are not easily countered. They do not simply go away or burn out. And every time you take another hit, or hit another roadblock, your are reminded of this. As you analyze and work to address the issues that might be contributing, like sleep, diet exercise, like the balancing act of keeping your particularly fragile brain level and functioning you are reminded of this; this idea that you need to be disposed of.

And you have to battle that reminder and those feelings of worthlessness before you can even address the problem you know the solutions to -the solutions that will remind you of the treatment you were receiving when it seemed to be going well, the reasons you trusted them so completely.

"It will get easier" I keep telling myself

as I am wearing down.

"you are going to have to let this go" I am told

and I know

and it kind of pisses me of, because I am trying ...and I am not trying... and it still keeps me up at night, even though my brain is functioning so differently, even when I feel I have let it go or had a great day.

I am tired and sad

and I have to grieve so many losses right now.

I am struggling still; growing tired of the image of a bullet clearing my head of this. I do not invite it but it is comes so quickly as I try to turn off any thoughts of this situation, I try to burn out the memories and the feelings.

Yesterday I was struggling a little, I wrote it out and felt better. But then I had an argument with my son. He complains we have nothing to eat. But what he is really complaining about is that we don't have exactly what he wants to eat. I feel concern because he has been sick and tired a lot and he does not eat well. He was fighting with me, refusing to eat the healthy option I made for him. This argument triggered me and I was so angry. I felt like a terrible mom because I have not done better about feeding my kids healthy and they are suffering for it. Mind went all over the place, the fight went all over the place and I felt like a dark cloud hanging over my family.

Maybe they would be better off without me too.

I was fighting to survive and angry.

Angry that I am not worth helping and maybe not healable.

I was angry that they (the facility of IHC) reinforced again and again my feelings of worthlessness and only listened with their ass covering ears.

I wanted them to know that my blood is on their hands if I eventually succumb to the bullet that wishes to shoot them out of their diagnosis for me: sacrificed, discredited, of no value, and liability. They made mistakes and did not want to address it. They made it my mistakes and denied what I was telling them all along only to turn around and use it against me as their rationale for blacklisting and banishing me from the entire facility.

and I was angry. I wanted them to understand how their actions effect people. How this has effected me. They claim they will use my experience to help them with other patients, my concern was that they would use it to reinforce bad policies because they were ignoring, avoiding all the red flags with me or trying to preemptively protect themselves from any liability without concern for me and my wellbeing. They needed to understand the reality of the their power and how it effects people.

Yesterday, in the thick of it, I  needed to do something to turn myself around

The patient advocate had said if I ever needed/wanted to talk I could reach out to her. I sent an email and tried to communicate this, but in a much shorter, straightforward way. So I spoke up, I spoke out and I took quarter of a clonazepam.

This is what I said:

 "I am so very angry with all of you. If my body eventually succumbs to the feedback you all so solidly confirmed, my blood is on all of your hands. Do I sacrifice myself for the better good? One less unacceptable- leach of a life. Not worth the time and effort to save even by those who are being paid to
I am angry enough to stay alive... for now.
...but I feel like the harder I try the more I am fading
One just can't simply undo the negative feedback confirmed at such a high level.
and I have to say something
because the down side is winning"

A little while later I got a phone call from the city that only ever shows up on my caller id if it is from them. I didn't want to answer, but instinctively I knew to because I know what these people do if you tell them you are struggling with suicidal thoughts and they can't reach you. They send cops to your house. 

The lady calling asked if I was okay

"no, I am not okay".. The rest I said included these parts "I am angry and struggling. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist I have been waiting months already for only to have it canceled. Other people have suggested I go to you, that you are the "right place" for me and my needs. Dr. Concussion said she would help me find a new team only to have her assistant tell me she couldn't find anyone, they had no referrals, no recommendations. You all should have been concerned about these things all along but it was ignored along with all of the red flags, and things I said were ignored only to used against me..."

I was getting angry. My heart was elevated and I needed to be at work in 30 minutes. I needed to get my head straight before then. I told her I was not in immediate danger, I told her that I needed to be to work in 30 minutes and I needed to get my head straight before that. I told her they need to be aware of how this is effecting me, how they perpetuated harm. But mostly I needed to get my self straightened out for work and talking to her was not helping me with that, I told her if they wanted to revisit things and admit their mistakes if they wanted to try and do something there then great, after all we are still paying for their mistakes, but talking to her right now wasn't helping so goodbye. 

Remember, I told her I was not in immediate danger, but getting tired of fighting and it was wearing on me ...and I know well enough that people eventually wear down. 

So lets think of what she could do...

She could have sent an email. 

She could have referred to this blog that I referred the patient advocates to multiple times during the "investigation."

She could have called my husband. 

She or they could have had one of their many trained and licensed professionals call me and asses the situation.

But that is not how they work.
It feels like they have ulterior motives

They went straight for public humiliation and risking my job. They hit and they hit hard. 

Remember, I told her I was not in immediate danger and I was not a threat to myself right now. 

That is all a police officer needs to hear and they will leave you alone, that was the only reason I answered the phone, I knew there was a chance they'd send them if I didn't confirm that I was not in immediate danger. 

When 3 or 4 cop trucks show up at your house, your son -that is home alone and just had fights with his mom- is going to be freaked out. The neighbors are going to talk. Then, when they find you are not home, they will have your son call your husband, not you, to find out where you work.  Then your husband will call you to make sure you are okay.

Not knowing the police involvement at this point you, at first, will think the IHC facility called your husband; You will think for a moment that maybe they actually do care about you and your wellbeing. But then you will find out, that no, they did not contact him at all, the police did. Police that are at your house, with your son, and soon to be on their way to your place of employment. Certain to cost you your job and reputation. 

They went straight for the jugular. 

This does not feel like they were concerned about me, this feels like it was a lesson, and more attempts to cover their ass and tracks. 

Fortunately my boss told me how to intercept the police, and, with a simple confirmation over the phone (to the police officer) that I was not a threat to myself, the trauma it would have caused to the kids I work with was averted.  Fortunately I have already given my notice of quitting because I am not handling the emotional/psychological aspects of the therapeutic adolescent program environment. (gee, I can't possibly understand why?) But it just may cost me the arrangement we had made for me to stay on very part time as a fill in and the academic advisor to a few students. 

This, to me, is a new low blow. 

And I have realized the other part of why it has been so hard to file that complaint with the state and licensing board, aside from not wanting to hurt others, deep inside I know they will likely do more to damage and hurt me. They will avoid any responsibility at any cost to me and I am not sure I can handle another hit, another -and to the next level- confirmation that I am unimportant and of no value and that I am to blame for this imbalance and I am not worth listening to because of it. 

I know we are not supposed to base our personal intrinsic value on how others perceive us, but lets be honest, that is partially bullshit and this world really is better off without some people in it. 

Am I one of those?

They think so. Otherwise, they'd have cared when I was in their care, they would have listened then. They would have paid attention to the red flags and listened when I told the facility director that I knew I needed to stand up for myself, I didn't know what that looked like yet, but I knew I needed to. They would have realized it was about me and I needed it to be about me, not about him, or me going after him. They would not have turned it into or let him turn it into being about him. 

I am angry.

And you know what else, I am also intelligent, and I am worth saving because I can see through the bullshit and I'll call it out, even when no one else will. 

I suppose no one really wants that, but for this moment I am going to be proud of me and I am going to love me for it, because I don't call it out to cause harm and I try to be careful and conscientious about how I call it out. 

And I care about people even when they don't deserve to be cared about. 

So sacrifice me you shit heads! I'll keep fighting because I also care about me, even if you don't and even if you don't think I deserve to be. 

And I see through the bullshit of your degrees and prestige, your Scientology.