The other day I posted but then took it down, because it was too whiney, too complainy. And I am not wanting to be that, but maybe I am that.
On here, I come to sort things out. This writing offers me quick relief and helps me process and move on when I am feeling stuck in my messed up head.
That is what the post I took down was about.
How I just can't seem to shake the feelings of worthlessness that the Neuroscience Institute instilled in me.
I'll be fine. I'll be doing well. Thinking I am turning around. Thinking "I've got this." Or not thinking anything at all about any of it. I feel normal. Happy. Fine.
"Oh so quite and so peaceful until...." (Bjork)
something goes wrong or I am reminded of one of the many failings of my past... and then, there it is "You can't even work things out with a neuropsychologist, and the professionals who handle head injuries" or "how can you expect to figure this one out, the people who are specialized in handling your kind can't even handle you. or don't want to." or "others needed him more, you must be a fake" or "you made such a mess of that, how can anyone trust you? how can you trust yourself?"
My head tells me these things and I have to debate that before I can even get to addressing whatever it is that is the real problem in the moment.
I shake them. Get those voices to go away. Leave me a lone. I argue that it was other things playing out, things that were not in my control. But then that is a bad place too, part of this because then "he loved you" and I feel that again. And it hurts again, even though I now understand that was not real or true ...and I don't know what the truth is at all and who I can trust but I know I cannot trust me, because I felt things too intensely and I made such a mess of things by being crazy.
And that is so embarrassing. Being "crazy."
That is why "I can't loose you right now"
I needed to work through my "crazy" in the safe place that knows how, or is at least supposed to know how, to handle that. The place that is supposed to help me turn it around, stop the cyclical patterns that have so long haunted me -that I was then realizing were very likely related to head injury, because the new mTBI was offering enough PTSD and flashback-ish memories to help me see this. I had hope. A hope that was new and so exhilarating. I maybe was worth something, more than I had previously realized.
But the rug, pulled so quickly and so strongly when I was experiencing such powerful emotions....
... and... broken and more crazy, but not allowed to talk about it, to process, with those who would know... so maybe it's not TBI... character flaw... and I'm back, to so much of what I was before, the me I didn't want to go back too. ...and the cycle continues sometimes worse than others.
...and I was triggered. I feel so much closer the edge these days. I am scarred. I don't want to be triggered again and I don't know what that may look like. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping, back into insanity, into mania, a mental mess where I thought I was more balanced than I was. In my euphoric phase I thought it could last if only I would start sleeping, but it doesn't. Other times I feel myself slipping into the deep recesses of depression. The kind that sucks your life, pleasure and joy... I stay clear. But I think I need help figuring this out and managing this, because sometimes it is exhausting and sometimes it is just plain embarrassing/humiliating.
No -or less- stigma, my ass.
Sometimes I feel I am winning
but sometimes I feel I am loosing
in this battle with myself.
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