I deserve to live

I took another beating today from an adolescent at work, because I was calm and I did not get caught up in his drama.
I am not emotionally strong enough for this position. I can handle it, in the moment, but it takes too big a toll and if you are week, if they smell blood, they will eat you alive. I know, because it has happened a few times. I am sure it is confusing to them because they smell the blood but it's unclear where it is coming from. They think I am week and they think I am clueless. I am week but not how they think, and far from clueless I just don't have the energy to care.
... and this was probably a really bad choice for an occupation right now...
bad choices, off judgement, thinking I am stronger and more balanced than I am... the damn cycles continue
and I am hurting and fading. Questioning who I am and why I am here....
Then the nagging.
And tonight I find myself thinking: Do I deserve to be helped? Should I keep fighting to survive?
...
And I think...

 I do.

I deserve to live.
I am not a bad person.
I deserve to be treated with respect
and I deserve to be heard.
I deserve to keep trying and fighting the crushing messages that tell me I am not worth saving, not worth helping and that I should be sacrificed.
I am kind. I am honest. I work hard to solve my own problems, I try to address them at the root. I care about others and I am thoughtful and considerate. I try to be a good person. I do make mistakes but I am also teachable and will accept responsibility for my mistakes. I am forgiving, sometimes too forgiving I am told.
I am not a bad person and I deserve to live. I deserve to be heard.
and I deserve to have investigations about me benefit me, not just future patients [at my expense].
I deserve to have the red flags noticed on my behalf.  I do not deserve be treated as nothing more than a burden and liability. I do not deserve people talking about me and making up stories, claiming I am things that I am not. I do not deserve to be yelled at and exiled. I deserve to have a conversation with all those people making judgements and decisions about me that would effect me. I deserve to have follow through on treatments, on referrals. I deserved a termination phase. I deserved to have my manic symptoms acknowledged, not denied and humiliated for them at the same time.
I am tired and rambling
but my point,
I deserve to live.
And I will.
Not because they were right in their denials but because I deal with what they have denied and I am not what they have made me out to be. They are wrong. I am worth loving, I am worth listening to, and I worth fighting for.
That is why I will live.
My blood may be on their hands from crushing my heart and back stabbing by the light off gaslit patterns, but I will survive!
And I am going to be okay
because I choose to be
Every Damn Day
(sometimes multiple times a day)

*But I am still quitting my job
...And choosing to be okay