The whole picture. I wrote about how I am cycling and it can be perceived as rumination. I have written about how I get stuck in my head sometimes. I talk about some of the same things and to others that may feel redundant. However, that is not the whole picture. I am not stuck in my head nearly as much as it could be perceived that I am.
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Blackbirds
I'd rather work with you than against you. In my quest to heal I need to understand. And you need to understand, I am neither a toy nor a liability.
But I am strong. Since my story has been written it is not so hard to figure out what has happened and to know that you know better. You are tricky and sly and I see that. But you may have gotten caught up a little too much in the label, stigmas, and preconceived notions that your profession claims to be helping. I am so much more than people want to give me credit for. And I believed the lie that I wasn't. I believed the lies that people told me about me because they felt I was a threat to their superiority. I am not a threat, I am friend. I do not believe in the king of the hill I believe in the camaraderie of the game and I believe that there is room on the hill for everyone in the end.
My intention is to help and heal and that is what I will do. If the problem is bigger and runs deeper than this incident and this is truly policy or a regular practice I will do my best to make sure these mistakes are not repeated with others. I know better than to think that I am that special, I am an isolated incident and that somehow my silence will protect others, whether the problem is with you or within the profession; I know better.
Your faith in me may have been a superficial guise but how much faith do you have in yourself and your ability to help people find their buried self and become empowered happier healthier versions of themselves? You are the best. And we both know that.
I'd rather work with you than against you. But, either way, I will work to protect the vulnerable and for the ethics in the profession that have been warped and used against me, the one they are meant to protect. You are not out of my league nor I out of yours.
You are not afraid of me and I expect a call.
But I am strong. Since my story has been written it is not so hard to figure out what has happened and to know that you know better. You are tricky and sly and I see that. But you may have gotten caught up a little too much in the label, stigmas, and preconceived notions that your profession claims to be helping. I am so much more than people want to give me credit for. And I believed the lie that I wasn't. I believed the lies that people told me about me because they felt I was a threat to their superiority. I am not a threat, I am friend. I do not believe in the king of the hill I believe in the camaraderie of the game and I believe that there is room on the hill for everyone in the end.
My intention is to help and heal and that is what I will do. If the problem is bigger and runs deeper than this incident and this is truly policy or a regular practice I will do my best to make sure these mistakes are not repeated with others. I know better than to think that I am that special, I am an isolated incident and that somehow my silence will protect others, whether the problem is with you or within the profession; I know better.
Your faith in me may have been a superficial guise but how much faith do you have in yourself and your ability to help people find their buried self and become empowered happier healthier versions of themselves? You are the best. And we both know that.
I'd rather work with you than against you. But, either way, I will work to protect the vulnerable and for the ethics in the profession that have been warped and used against me, the one they are meant to protect. You are not out of my league nor I out of yours.
You are not afraid of me and I expect a call.
Sleep cycles... No, sleep AND cycles
I almost got a good nights sleep last night. Almost. This time it was my shoulder that woke me. I sprained my clavical and some other bone connection in my shoulder the other day teaching snowboarding to the most adventures and daring 4 year old person I have ever met. He was furious with me because I would not take him on the steepest and most difficult runs of our resort. He can neither turn or stop. He was fun to work with, hilarious, and also exhausting, but in an effort to keep him from careening completely out of control and really hurting himself or someone else I took a few falls myself. I am not even sure which fall it was or how one can actually fall in a way that would result in the child's snowboard coming down on ones shoulder or vice verse but I managed it. And now the pain of that wakes me...
Why does sleep evade me in this time of need? What lesson or joke is the universe playing with me?
Oh well. It does make me laugh because the stacking of events that keep me from sleep seems so statistically impossible. But statistics do fail to take into account individuals so there is that.
And my brain just keeps working... Trying to process far too much all at once.
I thought to be done but I think I will defend myself since some people seem to think I should be judged harshly for my reprocessing and/or rumination.
If we look at how people often handle things we will see that many learn very slowly or not at all how to break free of learned and/or natural behaviors that can cause problems for them in the long run. Many people fall into depression and grieve for years, sometimes their lifetime. Obesity is evidence that unhealthy habits are repeated to the detriment of the person. People will excuse and justify their own bad behavior and perpetuate problems often for their entire life. Most of us take years to acquire knowledge and evolve. I know many people who decide that something is the way it is and will not budge on their belief no matter the evidence even when the belief is causing them harm. It is hard to watch when you care for that person but you eventually learn not to try and explain or help them because they will just fight you on it and your relationship will be damaged. These are very normal and common habits, behaviors and problems.
But those who wish to change, know well the process is slow. It takes time and the process can be very cyclical. In fact the scenario's I described are cyclical. People change and evolve or regress in very cyclical ways. They will cycle through and repeat many of the same things but with small changes each time that eventually turn into the bigger problem or the fix. Understanding and changing can be a slow process. Rarely is it an overnight dramatic change. It may appear that way with some people but even in their cases there was likely some cyclical conditioning prior to the epiphanic change.
So I am cycling. Rapid cycling maybe, but is it "unhealthy" or is that a judgement? Is it unhealthy to let the cycling happen quicker if it wants to? In order to move out of this faster? Often to pack it away is to let it fester. If I try to leave it alone my brain will very naturally slide into its well traveled ruts, thus digging them deeper, and I will be broken again and have to accept that previous beliefs about my worthlessness are in fact confirmed and true. I would rather not. I am already a slow processor and I am "intense" or I feel things intensely. But I am also intelligent, teachable, and tenacious. When I want to learn and I want to change I think it is okay for me to rapid cycle and fight my way out of the condemning situation. And I suppose if I need to, every now and again, I may have to stick up for and defend myself. I may have to fight with others for myself, but I will try to fight fair.
I am cycling, yes. I may or may not get stuck in rumination. But I am cycling up and out and with each rumination I discover something new or find joy in something of value to me so I will excuse myself from anyones cyclical judgements here. Instead I will be happy to share what I have learned through this process and I hope it may help them in the event they choose to drop their judgements and talk with me about it.
Why does sleep evade me in this time of need? What lesson or joke is the universe playing with me?
Oh well. It does make me laugh because the stacking of events that keep me from sleep seems so statistically impossible. But statistics do fail to take into account individuals so there is that.
And my brain just keeps working... Trying to process far too much all at once.
I thought to be done but I think I will defend myself since some people seem to think I should be judged harshly for my reprocessing and/or rumination.
If we look at how people often handle things we will see that many learn very slowly or not at all how to break free of learned and/or natural behaviors that can cause problems for them in the long run. Many people fall into depression and grieve for years, sometimes their lifetime. Obesity is evidence that unhealthy habits are repeated to the detriment of the person. People will excuse and justify their own bad behavior and perpetuate problems often for their entire life. Most of us take years to acquire knowledge and evolve. I know many people who decide that something is the way it is and will not budge on their belief no matter the evidence even when the belief is causing them harm. It is hard to watch when you care for that person but you eventually learn not to try and explain or help them because they will just fight you on it and your relationship will be damaged. These are very normal and common habits, behaviors and problems.
But those who wish to change, know well the process is slow. It takes time and the process can be very cyclical. In fact the scenario's I described are cyclical. People change and evolve or regress in very cyclical ways. They will cycle through and repeat many of the same things but with small changes each time that eventually turn into the bigger problem or the fix. Understanding and changing can be a slow process. Rarely is it an overnight dramatic change. It may appear that way with some people but even in their cases there was likely some cyclical conditioning prior to the epiphanic change.
So I am cycling. Rapid cycling maybe, but is it "unhealthy" or is that a judgement? Is it unhealthy to let the cycling happen quicker if it wants to? In order to move out of this faster? Often to pack it away is to let it fester. If I try to leave it alone my brain will very naturally slide into its well traveled ruts, thus digging them deeper, and I will be broken again and have to accept that previous beliefs about my worthlessness are in fact confirmed and true. I would rather not. I am already a slow processor and I am "intense" or I feel things intensely. But I am also intelligent, teachable, and tenacious. When I want to learn and I want to change I think it is okay for me to rapid cycle and fight my way out of the condemning situation. And I suppose if I need to, every now and again, I may have to stick up for and defend myself. I may have to fight with others for myself, but I will try to fight fair.
I am cycling, yes. I may or may not get stuck in rumination. But I am cycling up and out and with each rumination I discover something new or find joy in something of value to me so I will excuse myself from anyones cyclical judgements here. Instead I will be happy to share what I have learned through this process and I hope it may help them in the event they choose to drop their judgements and talk with me about it.
Monday, January 14, 2019
The very hungry caterpillar
So I needed to get some medical records to help me pursue the treatments I need with doctors and to get a full picture of this car accident mess. The hospital I had to go to is the new version of the hospital I was treated in and stayed at 28 years ago this month when I had my first TBI. While there I thought to ask about those medical records as well. They likely do not have anything since they only keep them for 7-10 years. However the lady was super nice and said that she would submit it and try to see if anything turned up.
Why do I want these?
I want to know how bad or how minor this the TBI I suffered so long ago really was.
If I have learned one thing this past year it is that acting like someone is okay and believing they are okay does not make them okay. It does not make them better.
It is not bad to believe that someone is okay and/or they will be okay but if it is due to denial or believing that believing will magically change things, then it is not likely to help.
In fact it can cause extended pain and perpetuating problems.
So often people flip, or pendulum swing to the other extreme and they become enablers.
I am not asking for or seeking that.
But balance is somewhere in the middle and too many people seeing my strengths and wanting to believe that I am okay have neglected to fulfill their obligations and that has caused and perpetuated some serious problems for me.
I have choices.
I can be bitter and angry.
I can keep trying to believe that it was not neglect.
I can recognize that neglect happens for reasons that are usually out of the neglected's control and this does not mean that they are not valuable but rather may be reflective of the pain and suffering of the neglector.
I can forgive.
I can forget about it and just keep on trying to pretend that I am just fine and just like everyone else.
I can try to file for disability
I can learn about it from my new place and face it for what it is.
I can seek and continue to seek help
I can try to do it all alone.
I can talk about it
Or I can stay quiet
I have many many choices and I have made many of these before and I make them everyday... Where I end up, I really don't know and I am not so sure I care because I have learned how to enjoy the journey more. So this time around is already much more fun and will be as I try to accept what and who I am.. again... and again.
I have choices and
Fortunately I have this incredible brain. An injured brain with only the medical records of family members and my memories to prove it. I know I had, at very least, a quarter sized bleed that showed up on CT scans. And it was rattled extra as it bounced along unconscious in a sled being pulled to a car to take me home. So there is permanent damage. (And if you think people have negative stigma's about mental health issue's try admitting that you have brain damage.)
But in spite of all of that -and directly because of that- I have this amazing brain that has been solving itself ever since. By creating it's own new pathways initially with little to no professional help it became a ridiculously resourceful analyzer and problem solver. It is capable of taking pathways and making connections that uninjured brains don't even know exist.
It is no wonder I feel so very comfortable outside of boxes and my boundaries are not as easy to define or identify for others. It is that way in my brain. And even when it isn't this brain has some knowledge on accessing that.
...So when someone says, "don't try to solve this" that power of suggestion automatically sets gears into motion and the can of worms is opened. That is not a good time to abandon and jump ship by the way.
I have choices.
Right now I need to fight for me. Right now I get to face it or hide. I am facing my fears and I am refusing to be the victim of my own learned neglect -neglect myself to care for others.
And it's funny how looking back I see that my neglecting of myself has not enhanced my care of others and does not help them but it likely causes more damage than harm.
Though I had often said that caring for others is part of how I care for myself (and this is true -it is still true) my balance has a tendency to lean too far from caring for myself. So while I still want to maintain that part of caring I will do it with a new perspective.
...It seems that my fighter, that I thought should stay buried forever, is emerging hopefully morphed and more evolved. I am ready to embrace it and/or (at very least) accept it for what it is and work with it.
Why do I want these?
I want to know how bad or how minor this the TBI I suffered so long ago really was.
If I have learned one thing this past year it is that acting like someone is okay and believing they are okay does not make them okay. It does not make them better.
It is not bad to believe that someone is okay and/or they will be okay but if it is due to denial or believing that believing will magically change things, then it is not likely to help.
In fact it can cause extended pain and perpetuating problems.
So often people flip, or pendulum swing to the other extreme and they become enablers.
I am not asking for or seeking that.
But balance is somewhere in the middle and too many people seeing my strengths and wanting to believe that I am okay have neglected to fulfill their obligations and that has caused and perpetuated some serious problems for me.
I have choices.
I can be bitter and angry.
I can keep trying to believe that it was not neglect.
I can recognize that neglect happens for reasons that are usually out of the neglected's control and this does not mean that they are not valuable but rather may be reflective of the pain and suffering of the neglector.
I can forgive.
I can forget about it and just keep on trying to pretend that I am just fine and just like everyone else.
I can try to file for disability
I can learn about it from my new place and face it for what it is.
I can seek and continue to seek help
I can try to do it all alone.
I can talk about it
Or I can stay quiet
I have many many choices and I have made many of these before and I make them everyday... Where I end up, I really don't know and I am not so sure I care because I have learned how to enjoy the journey more. So this time around is already much more fun and will be as I try to accept what and who I am.. again... and again.
I have choices and
Fortunately I have this incredible brain. An injured brain with only the medical records of family members and my memories to prove it. I know I had, at very least, a quarter sized bleed that showed up on CT scans. And it was rattled extra as it bounced along unconscious in a sled being pulled to a car to take me home. So there is permanent damage. (And if you think people have negative stigma's about mental health issue's try admitting that you have brain damage.)
But in spite of all of that -and directly because of that- I have this amazing brain that has been solving itself ever since. By creating it's own new pathways initially with little to no professional help it became a ridiculously resourceful analyzer and problem solver. It is capable of taking pathways and making connections that uninjured brains don't even know exist.
It is no wonder I feel so very comfortable outside of boxes and my boundaries are not as easy to define or identify for others. It is that way in my brain. And even when it isn't this brain has some knowledge on accessing that.
...So when someone says, "don't try to solve this" that power of suggestion automatically sets gears into motion and the can of worms is opened. That is not a good time to abandon and jump ship by the way.
I have choices.
Right now I need to fight for me. Right now I get to face it or hide. I am facing my fears and I am refusing to be the victim of my own learned neglect -neglect myself to care for others.
And it's funny how looking back I see that my neglecting of myself has not enhanced my care of others and does not help them but it likely causes more damage than harm.
Though I had often said that caring for others is part of how I care for myself (and this is true -it is still true) my balance has a tendency to lean too far from caring for myself. So while I still want to maintain that part of caring I will do it with a new perspective.
...It seems that my fighter, that I thought should stay buried forever, is emerging hopefully morphed and more evolved. I am ready to embrace it and/or (at very least) accept it for what it is and work with it.
in and out of the rabbit hole
On last year;
Reprocessing… Maybe it is best not to reprocess any of it. Sometimes as I start to reprocess so many times of feeling like I don’t belong and I identify some of the reasons for that I start to feel that I don’t belong in this world at all. I can feel this in both positive and negative ways.
I am tired again.
I will get surgery on my ankle sooner rather than later because 1. It is hurting too much when I teach and snowboard now which is increasing the risk of further damage and injury. I was able to get away with it last year because I couldn’t and didn’t ride much due to the concussion and the chiropractor was treating. Plus the head and other pains kept me from feeling it as much. But I did feel it because I got really good at riding switch (riding with the opposite foot as the lead foot) from that and the fact that I was already off balance made going switch not nearly as scary. (because it already was scary riding off balance) 2. I am already sleeping so terribly and my brain is a mess because of that so I’d rather not prolong that any longer than I have to because the surgery is likely going to screw that up too. 3. Since writing seems to be what I can and am driven to do right now, I could take advantage of that time for writing. 4. I would like to get all this crap addressed sooner rather than later so I can move on with my life.
Tenacity
In my adolescence I was given that label as a nickname.
Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different
and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me
I likely do the same thing
Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)
Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different
and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me
I likely do the same thing
Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)
Sunday, January 13, 2019
what the...?
And other times I'm like "what the hell just happened??" or "what the hell was wrong with me?!"
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.
past blast on being angry
I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.
8/29/18
A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.
I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.
So I avoid it.
And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.
It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”
Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.
But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?
Right now I feel angry
...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.
I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder
… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.
But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.
But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.
Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?
I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.
Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac
Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…
So I am not so angry at the moment.
Maybe anger comes in waves?
Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?
I think I have written out what I need to today.
But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?
Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?
But I’ll save that for another day.
...and now I am tired.
neuroplasticity
What is Neuroplasticity?
Here is a "medical definition" and a link with great information about it:
"Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment."
https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362
And here is the definition from the other side of the tracks...oh wait; the other side of the tracks, also referred to as "the wrong side of the tracks," is where I grew up... so maybe I "should" call it the definition from the other side of the profession. Yeah that works.
And here is the definition from the other side of the profession:
Neuroplastcity: the ability of your brain to make new connections in an attempt to restore functionality and stability by learning to take and make new paths that may be uncomfortable and unnatural for you and others.
Your brain now works things out differently and you need to let it. It's okay. With mTBI [concussions] it is likely that your brain has just learned and realized, through the rattling and shaking (that works something like a waking), that there is more to it than it formerly realized and/or has forgotten about and it may be a bit excited and overly anxious to access and utilize some of those new area's. It may even forget how efficient it had become as it is having flashbacks of the excitement of being a new life once again. It's neural connections are firing all over as it tries to remember how it worked before. [I speculate and would love to see a study or do a study to see if the concussed/injured brain behaves similar to an infant or child's brain on an FMRI, this could potentially explain the emotional instability that is so common and also difficult to deal with in concussed and head injured patients].
Appropriate guidance through and during these processes can be immensely helpful.
But finding skilled professionals who understand this and know how to guide you through this is incredibly difficult.
Even more difficult than I thought as I had a conversation just yesterday with a lovely lady from San Francisco who has not been able to find appropriate help with this. I thought it would be much easier to find in a large area like that with great schools in the area... so that causes feelings of sadness in me.
So these are my thoughts that are waking and/or keeping awake at 3:40 am. And I know that screens will not help me go back to sleep but I also know that my brain will not sleep easily and wants to hold onto things it feels are important and get them done quickly or as soon as possible less it forgets. It is a coping mechanism and strategy that I use and that helps me feel more happy and productive when I do utilize it (that strategy being: get it done when you think about it so you don't forget and it comes back to haunt you when you either, a) can't do anything about it or b) it is too late to do it and you have lost that window of opportunity.)
*In this blog entry I am "modeling my thinking" as I write more than one would typically say. Modeling your thinking is an effective teaching method one learns when they become a teacher (at least I learned it in my program. I have worked with some teachers that did not seem to learn that strategy)
I use it here to illustrate this actually happening to some extent in a somewhat comical way and I now explain this to further illustrate and because I have learned that my re-routed thinking styles are often misunderstood. *
**The other side of the profession is referring to me and my experiences of learning and education from having suffered a TBI at 12 and a more recent mTBI.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
letting it be and reprocessing me
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb. I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here. and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb. I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here. and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
time to stand on my own two feet
My husband...He knows about my blog. He can read this and know what is coming. Know where I am, how I am doing and how I am feeling. He doesn't like talking about things. He can read this. But he doesn't.
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
I have two men in my life that I love but neither read my blog.
It is time to stand on my own two feet.
the new Therapist
Radical acceptance.
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Writing my own story
This is where I belong
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
It's all coming back to me now. there and back again. and the life of tao
I felt your pain and I felt your attraction and I protected you.
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this
the exiled
sleep evades me yet again.
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes
Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes
Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye
Monday, January 7, 2019
7:35am
Last night I only took melatonin to help me sleep. I still woke at 3:30 and wanted to write but went back to sleep fairly easily. Then didn’t wake until 6:00 and then 7:00 (went to bed at 10pm)
The night (or two nights) before I had taken melatonin and clonazipam which worked about the same but my emotions yesterday were so screwy I decided to avoid the clonazipam and I am glad the melatonin worked fine last night.
At my 3 am waking my thoughts went a bit deep. They wanted to go deep but fortunately I was able to redirect them well enough to sleep.
reciprocity
I reflect other's feelings. projection. the intensity of my reactions may be reflective of the intensity of emotions projected?
I was able to go back to sleep and only have slightly been interested in revisiting those thoughts. Not sure that they are productive. So I'll leave them and I did because now it is 12:50 pm two days later and I am only writing to finish this up because it was open on my screen when I came to accomplish some other task on my computer.
I am easily side-tracked and derailed these days. I want resolution and I want to understand what "test" results were as well as why it is some people feel so sure that I am, can be, or will be of no value to them. That I am not worth the investment of time and energy. I would really like this question answered.
Maybe it is because I have not valued myself and truly when one does not believe in or value their self it is likely they won't be able to be of much value to others... but which came first the chicken or the egg? and why is it when I start to learn that or start to value myself that is when I will be turned on? What am I doing wrong?
At least I am of great superficial value still. I connect quickly and easily with people and they enjoy me for a moment I enjoy them and the moment is great. I am glad I can be that. I suppose I need to work on accepting that this is where it must end with me and I need to stay content with that through the times when I yearn for more.
Is that what I am to learn from this?
I don't know if this is me trying to "solve" or not. I think it is me trying to understand. And to solve or not to solve doesn't matter really because either way I am living this. This is my beautiful crazy life and not a burden but an adventure. Sometimes I wish more people could see it that way and enjoy the journey with me. I often feel I have more to contribute than I am allowed to. Oh well I guess. I suppose that is ego maybe arrogance? I don't know you decide today because I don't want to.
Okay... back on track...
What did I come on here to do again?
Saturday, January 5, 2019
tenacity
so when I type on my 70+ page self reflection and study report it does not copy and paste well if I choose to transfer it here. Therefore although, right now that is where I intended to start I am coming here because my thoughts feel like they might be worth publishing.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat. ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.
I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take. I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Epiphany is that you?
"Maybe, I will really burn this down"
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you
aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."
and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)
humans are weird
and very fascinating
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