I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Saturday, June 29, 2019
fading
From "accept your perfectly imperfect" to "your perfectly imperfect is completely unacceptable."
Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him
Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short
I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me
Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him
Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short
I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me
Friday, June 28, 2019
TBI- knowing vs understanding
Sad, and oh so tired. These games have made me oh so tired.
I don't have the cognitive, mental and emotional stamina to fight this fight. It really wears me out.
The thing is they know this.
They know this and they are using it to their advantage.
I don't know exactly what I have stumbled onto in all of this but things they know well about head injury/TBI and psychology they have tried to use against me.
What they keep ignoring and not wanting to hear is that I have been fighting this battle for over 28 years now. I have been working to adjust, cope and overcome the tired, push crash, emotional and mental health related issues that -they know- are so common with head injury. I have been learning and adjusting to these problems for longer than they have all been in practice; longer than the Neuroscience Institute has even been in business.
and a business, sadly, seems to be all that they are.
There are so many things that they know about head injury/TBI but that they don't understand.
I understand what they know. I have lived it for so very long.
...Reciprocity would be much better.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
the beginning of the end
I feel sad and low. and oh so slow. not at all sure which way to go.
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Monday, June 24, 2019
a moment
I need a moment.
The run of emotions today is so high
at funeral I didn't even cry
Now off to work...
But I need a moment,
as fatigue is starting to press hard.
Relief, release, will writing help now? Or should I close my eyes. I'm pushing my 80. Maybe already beyond, but what do you do when there is more to be done?
This is the struggle with my tenacious brain and the mark that was left internally.
The run of emotions today is so high
at funeral I didn't even cry
Now off to work...
But I need a moment,
as fatigue is starting to press hard.
Relief, release, will writing help now? Or should I close my eyes. I'm pushing my 80. Maybe already beyond, but what do you do when there is more to be done?
This is the struggle with my tenacious brain and the mark that was left internally.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Silly, silly artistry
Yet, focused on fix
I can certainly say that I am far better off this way.
And really, I think,
not so much broken anymore,
rather I am still just weak.
Rebuilding takes time if you want it solid,
If you'd rather not push too hard thus causing cracks in the scars.
So slow I go as I grow
more gracefully into me
Grace may not be the right word but whatever. I like who I am and I like all of my silly artistry.
I can certainly say that I am far better off this way.
And really, I think,
not so much broken anymore,
rather I am still just weak.
Rebuilding takes time if you want it solid,
If you'd rather not push too hard thus causing cracks in the scars.
So slow I go as I grow
more gracefully into me
Grace may not be the right word but whatever. I like who I am and I like all of my silly artistry.
 |
| Last night, we got home late, but so much emotion was wanting to push out. The canvas and color that sat in the garage called and I succumbed. So with fingers and hands, while tears streamed silent, I let what was hiding inside push out. |
Can we pass on healing?
Today I crave sleep.
MH, the fallen angel, is in such bad shape and I know it. I want to sleep, and let my healing energy somehow pass on to him.
But I know I can't. It is impossible to do this. So then I wish to sleep to keep the heart from hurt and to keep the mind from memories, meaning and maybe even mania.
And I am still healing.
Not just my ankle, but my whole leg and hip now remind me. The other foot and the tired brain remind me.
Then there are the scratches all up and down my legs... new wounds, new healing.
.But healing is happening and stronger I become.
..My heart, though it hurts for this new man, this time it simply hurts figuratively. Not the depth and complexity, not the injured chemistry.
Today I feel it in my chest but not so nearly physically.
Back in November my heart physically hurt. I could feel the chemicals surging and it hurt. Only to subside per the tabs of the drug that had caused it. But with out the drug -I was no longer allowed- it hurt. off and on physically, all the way through to somewhere in March or April. That is a very long time, but I'm glad I'm adjusting. I'm healing.
The process is so slow and confusing
broken in my own way
yet still far better off, in my childish state,
than the man that fell from the sky yesterday.
MH, the fallen angel, is in such bad shape and I know it. I want to sleep, and let my healing energy somehow pass on to him.
But I know I can't. It is impossible to do this. So then I wish to sleep to keep the heart from hurt and to keep the mind from memories, meaning and maybe even mania.
And I am still healing.
Not just my ankle, but my whole leg and hip now remind me. The other foot and the tired brain remind me.
Then there are the scratches all up and down my legs... new wounds, new healing.
.But healing is happening and stronger I become.
..My heart, though it hurts for this new man, this time it simply hurts figuratively. Not the depth and complexity, not the injured chemistry.
Today I feel it in my chest but not so nearly physically.
Back in November my heart physically hurt. I could feel the chemicals surging and it hurt. Only to subside per the tabs of the drug that had caused it. But with out the drug -I was no longer allowed- it hurt. off and on physically, all the way through to somewhere in March or April. That is a very long time, but I'm glad I'm adjusting. I'm healing.
The process is so slow and confusing
broken in my own way
yet still far better off, in my childish state,
than the man that fell from the sky yesterday.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Fallen Angels fall so fast.
A man falling from the sky.
He really could die
right after husband said "the penalty is high"
For this freedom to fly
Why?
I run as soon as we know its not going to be good. The stakes are high. He really could die.
Call 911, get your phone, no go to that house. Others around already have. Husband follows, I'm faster. He tells me to be careful of my ankle. He loves me. He thinks of me.
It's fine and it will be, at least better than the man who fell if someone doesn't get to him fast.
through fields. I don't have the stamina, but I push. I see the chute and I shred my legs as I push to get to where he's landed. Closer; I see a man walking. He's okay.... But I know better. It's help. Others are there but I don't stop. Do they know what to do and what not to do? Will they know how to protect his head, neck and back? Will they know how to help him breath or close a gapping gushing wound? I keep going. We get there they have it under control. Keeping him from moving, keeping him awake. I analyze fast, legs shorter, get in close large chin gash to the bone not gushing, from chin strap. bend down make sure the two attending know what they are doing. I stay close. Touch. It is so important. Keep him here, awake. Touch his face. I know my power. They are all men. He is in good hands, but I may be needed. Everything we can to help him hold on until they can get to him and care.
He wants to move his legs. They hurt. He can feel them. He wants to move his head. I am asked to take the position to stabilize his head. He wants things elevated. I tell him that they are, so he won't keep trying to use his fully functional arms to flop then over again. He calls me out that they are not. "It is good that you can feel that," I say with a smile, "hold on, they are coming"
"Can you move to the side?"
He really could die
right after husband said "the penalty is high"
For this freedom to fly
Why?
I run as soon as we know its not going to be good. The stakes are high. He really could die.
Call 911, get your phone, no go to that house. Others around already have. Husband follows, I'm faster. He tells me to be careful of my ankle. He loves me. He thinks of me.
It's fine and it will be, at least better than the man who fell if someone doesn't get to him fast.
through fields. I don't have the stamina, but I push. I see the chute and I shred my legs as I push to get to where he's landed. Closer; I see a man walking. He's okay.... But I know better. It's help. Others are there but I don't stop. Do they know what to do and what not to do? Will they know how to protect his head, neck and back? Will they know how to help him breath or close a gapping gushing wound? I keep going. We get there they have it under control. Keeping him from moving, keeping him awake. I analyze fast, legs shorter, get in close large chin gash to the bone not gushing, from chin strap. bend down make sure the two attending know what they are doing. I stay close. Touch. It is so important. Keep him here, awake. Touch his face. I know my power. They are all men. He is in good hands, but I may be needed. Everything we can to help him hold on until they can get to him and care.
He wants to move his legs. They hurt. He can feel them. He wants to move his head. I am asked to take the position to stabilize his head. He wants things elevated. I tell him that they are, so he won't keep trying to use his fully functional arms to flop then over again. He calls me out that they are not. "It is good that you can feel that," I say with a smile, "hold on, they are coming"
"Can you move to the side?"
"Are you the EMT?"
"No," he says but as I turn to see he has a uniform and open bag is moving fast and he knows what to do. I move knowing he probably misheard. I ask where they want me. No time to reply as another guy, 2 more, in uniform come on. I move out of the way.
Doggo, where I left him leash attached to the fence.
Husband standing back.
Emergency responders are there, and more coming. People with more experience and training the gear and supplies. We can go. I don't want to be in the way now. I retreat but not before surveying the scene. There is another female present now. She can fill that role if that role is needed.
Life is so very short and can change in the blink of an eye. We learn so much so quickly when life is truly threatened. I know more about me and husband than I did before.
Confirmed: Instinct and intuition, I'm calm in the storm, I know what to do. and can make decisions quickly. ...and I will sacrifice me and my wellbeing for the sake of someone else.
Husband: He loves me so much he's thinking of my ankle. He'll follow directions when it matters. He's slower to respond and not as sure about what to do but he's there and he'll support and surely see it through.
He's also very clever, reminding me the cost.
We are not so keen to fly so much anymore, that drive instantly satisfied with the reality of the price.
I pray for this man to be okay, and that doesn't mean to survive. I hope that he lives but I hope more than that, no matter where he is, he'll thrive again.
Why do we press for the thrills the adventures that come at such high costs?
Who am I and what's really important?
So many things learned so quickly. And my life so completely bizarre.
Walking home I fight a limp now, to keep up with my husband. finally I retreat and listen to me as I know I am pushing too hard on injuries not fully healed. He'll go ahead and bring back the car, while I sit and wait. As I fall behind I feel relief because I don't want him to see the tears come out of me. I don't want him to see me breaking again and know the ties to the injuries. Enough trauma for one day. and the tears they barely wet my eyes and then they come no more. I'm dazed and writing it out in my head as I wait and analyze the sacrificed socks and scratched up legs. This is reality and this is me.
Please, God, please bless and protect the fallen angel Mykel Henrie. https://www.gofundme.com/mykel-henrie039s-accident-recovery-fund
Doggo, where I left him leash attached to the fence.
Husband standing back.
Emergency responders are there, and more coming. People with more experience and training the gear and supplies. We can go. I don't want to be in the way now. I retreat but not before surveying the scene. There is another female present now. She can fill that role if that role is needed.
Life is so very short and can change in the blink of an eye. We learn so much so quickly when life is truly threatened. I know more about me and husband than I did before.
Confirmed: Instinct and intuition, I'm calm in the storm, I know what to do. and can make decisions quickly. ...and I will sacrifice me and my wellbeing for the sake of someone else.
Husband: He loves me so much he's thinking of my ankle. He'll follow directions when it matters. He's slower to respond and not as sure about what to do but he's there and he'll support and surely see it through.
He's also very clever, reminding me the cost.
We are not so keen to fly so much anymore, that drive instantly satisfied with the reality of the price.
I pray for this man to be okay, and that doesn't mean to survive. I hope that he lives but I hope more than that, no matter where he is, he'll thrive again.
Why do we press for the thrills the adventures that come at such high costs?
Who am I and what's really important?
So many things learned so quickly. And my life so completely bizarre.
Walking home I fight a limp now, to keep up with my husband. finally I retreat and listen to me as I know I am pushing too hard on injuries not fully healed. He'll go ahead and bring back the car, while I sit and wait. As I fall behind I feel relief because I don't want him to see the tears come out of me. I don't want him to see me breaking again and know the ties to the injuries. Enough trauma for one day. and the tears they barely wet my eyes and then they come no more. I'm dazed and writing it out in my head as I wait and analyze the sacrificed socks and scratched up legs. This is reality and this is me.
Please, God, please bless and protect the fallen angel Mykel Henrie. https://www.gofundme.com/mykel-henrie039s-accident-recovery-fund
rewrite the wrongs
They say you can't rewrite your past. But actually you can in so many ways. and people do all of the time.
I can rewrite my focus and my perspective.
My husband, running with me, on a broken leg and we didn't even know it. No changing of truth, just changing of understanding and perspective, lets go of frustration and hurt, now the past is rewritten to a happier, even comical story.
Rewrite your past. Find the truths you may have over looked, find the parts that can give you peace and comfort and rewrite your own wrongs, than love the new you
I can rewrite my focus and my perspective.
My husband, running with me, on a broken leg and we didn't even know it. No changing of truth, just changing of understanding and perspective, lets go of frustration and hurt, now the past is rewritten to a happier, even comical story.
Rewrite your past. Find the truths you may have over looked, find the parts that can give you peace and comfort and rewrite your own wrongs, than love the new you
Piñata People -Per Tab
My chemistry is getting all awry again and I am not entirely sure why.
I'm getting a little messed up again and chemicals are starting to surge and it really bothers me. Although it can be exhilarating it bothers me when I have to work so hard to maintain the "normal" levels. I don't like when I have to make such an effort to pretend that I'm just like all the other unimpaired humanoids walking around; when I struggle to keep down the reckless party that is pushing internally on my piñata like walls, waiting to be burst by any happy party goer.
That was yesterday. I took a quarter of a clonazepam to counter the chemistry. It helped.
...but I still hate that at times I seem to need that. Do I?
That was yesterday. I took a quarter of a clonazepam to counter the chemistry. It helped.
...but I still hate that at times I seem to need that. Do I?
Friday, June 21, 2019
Superpowers
A manic has the super powers but lacks the discipline and often doesn't know how to control those superpowers.
A narcissist has no superpowers but has a lot of control and even self discipline. They often mistake that for superpowers.
What a nightmare of a pair
or Hancock style match.
a comedian
I am funny
as I try to illustrate the power of chemistry and connection so carelessly handled.
A narcissist has no superpowers but has a lot of control and even self discipline. They often mistake that for superpowers.
What a nightmare of a pair
or Hancock style match.
a comedian
I am funny
as I try to illustrate the power of chemistry and connection so carelessly handled.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
/|\ /\ /|\ that feels about right \|/ Grow and go
and now somehow I need to get unstuck
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
In Bed
When I was trying to solve the mystery of my head you thought I was trying to solve the mystery of your bed (or you wanted me to)
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
Identity
I am not a sex crazed artist.
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
logic suggests
My logical, rational brain
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Masks
Hoping to be noticed
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
3:23am
I am so tired
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
Monday, June 17, 2019
Please release me from your fantasy
"(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient."
https://www.apa.org/ethics/code/
Please, Dear Dr. Cheri, release me from your fantasy. Are you fighting for me now or were you grooming and now covering? Please stop the game. I cannot be what you want me to be or you very much misunderstood me. It was the dream I was referring to, not any rules you have to live by.
Your lack of apology, no accountability, and no contact keeps my tired broken brain tied to this lie. Deep down in your psychological psyche are you still holding onto me?
Please release me.
-e
Embracing my Perfectly Imperfect
There is a part of this that has stung a bit lately. It is that part that I have avoided writing too much about. I wish to write about all the good things I have learned and my take aways. The positive ways dear He helped me change. I want to write about these things because I want to keep, maintain and grow the new me I felt I was becoming when I was with him.
I keep finding there is more. I keep learning more about me, my patterns and just how engrained they really are and yet also how much they are changing and how much stronger I am. Just recognizing this so quickly this time shows significant progress and knowing, being willing and able to face it so quickly, that is also progress. Huge progress.
Which also makes me happy
...but oh dang it. I only slept about three hours last night and currently have too much energy to sleep and my mind is wishing to process and write worlds worth of information rather quickly...
so I suppose this could be the calm before the storm... am I on the verge of another manic mindset?
Husband is concerned about that AND he actually vocalized it (more huge progress). "I can't really make that happen" I say, but "can I prevent it?" we both ask.
Maybe.
Probably.
I prevented a complete breakdown on the last. This time maybe I can keep myself at a safer distance knowing that my body and brain are repeating the pattern.
So is it safe to tackle the subject of my dear Dr. Perri Cheri and how he helped me?
I think so and for fun's sake, here is how he got his name, I may have shared this already but just in case I didn't here you go:
Perri- this song, I used in attempt to explain my transference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvbErM6ZTBA
Cheri- this song, because it so comically fits the scenario of transference-countertransference and because he is from the same place as the artists of the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2CiJ5U6x24 (and because I shared another clip from another one of their songs with him in my attempt to help him see that I was not completely understanding what he was saying and I felt that issue might be going both ways. It was.)
I keep finding there is more. I keep learning more about me, my patterns and just how engrained they really are and yet also how much they are changing and how much stronger I am. Just recognizing this so quickly this time shows significant progress and knowing, being willing and able to face it so quickly, that is also progress. Huge progress.
Which also makes me happy
...but oh dang it. I only slept about three hours last night and currently have too much energy to sleep and my mind is wishing to process and write worlds worth of information rather quickly...
so I suppose this could be the calm before the storm... am I on the verge of another manic mindset?
Husband is concerned about that AND he actually vocalized it (more huge progress). "I can't really make that happen" I say, but "can I prevent it?" we both ask.
Maybe.
Probably.
I prevented a complete breakdown on the last. This time maybe I can keep myself at a safer distance knowing that my body and brain are repeating the pattern.
So is it safe to tackle the subject of my dear Dr. Perri Cheri and how he helped me?
I think so and for fun's sake, here is how he got his name, I may have shared this already but just in case I didn't here you go:
Perri- this song, I used in attempt to explain my transference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvbErM6ZTBA
Cheri- this song, because it so comically fits the scenario of transference-countertransference and because he is from the same place as the artists of the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2CiJ5U6x24 (and because I shared another clip from another one of their songs with him in my attempt to help him see that I was not completely understanding what he was saying and I felt that issue might be going both ways. It was.)
In my Head
I am having such a hard time sleeping again. Tonight I cannot even get to sleep. There is so much going on in my head again.
Neuroscience Institute Facility Director, who I'd asked not be allowed to interact with patients, has sent me a letter terminating me from any of the doctors or providers there. Her reason: they cannot accommodate my behavioral health needs. What is that supposed to mean? what and why?
It feels like she is trying to turn me into a behavioral problem. It feels like gaslighting. I do not know who is behind it.
I think it may just be her but she, or someone, most certainly has been playing games with me and very likely my confidentiality rights were breached since the office staff started treating me very strange. I even had to check in at a different desk on my final appointment. They personally called me the day before to make sure I knew to check in at this other desk. Too bad their cover was blown [in that they were not doing this for everyone] when the new lady who: first; left me waiting by the "wait here" sign for like 10 minutes while she finished with whatever it was she was doing for the previous patient, which was not checking in, and second; she didn't recognize me personally and almost accidentally sent me to their actual check in desk but was quickly stopped by the girl I recognized from previous visits with a "wait! who are you here to see?" When I told here who, she said, "oh you check in over here," cutting new lady off when she started with the, "I thought check in..." response. When she asked my name I replied, "I bet you can guess" to which she nice-save-style stated, "uh, only because there isn't anyone else checking in right now." If she had been just a bit confused by my comment the facade would have been more believable.
Over the years, being the odd man out often, comfortable with the boys and not so much with the girls, and a misfit, I have developed that keen sense of knowing when people have been talking about someone behind their back, and of knowing when I am the hot topic for gossip.
And my checkin nurse, Dr. Concussion's assistant, who used to be friendly and fun to talk to, has zero to say to me, is cold and unfriendly.
I've been the topic of conversation no doubt, I'd put $ on it.
It's not right. And Dr. Concussion, not even providing a name or recommendation on a facility, when she assured me she would help me find a new team... heartbreaking dishonesty.
It is so hard to find, as she herself put it, "the right fit" and now I am going in blind. I'm in the same boat, worse in some ways, now as I was when I was looking for them in the first place. I feel like I'm throwing money at doctors that don't know what they are doing. They will "help you" and treat you as long as it is convenient for them, as long as you are easy to treat and diagnose but when you are a challenge, they say, "too bad, we are now taking back our diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plan, there's the door, here's a band aid to cover the gushing wound from opening you up, because we are not going to finish with the procedures we started."
If my ankle surgeon were following their example, once he saw the panic in my eyes just before going under, he would have thought about wheeling me out. When he cut in and realized it was worse than he was expecting he would have stopped there, wheeled me out, then had his staff send me on my way, claiming that not only had I not been asleep but that he hadn't really even cut me open, I must have been making that up and they support it when he says he is done with treating a patient. "Further more" they would say "when he actually got to look inside he found that you had not disclosed the extent of your injury so, too bad, the facility will not treat you and we cannot be held accountable for any of it. Goodbye and good luck finding a new surgeon; check with your insurance."
That is what the equivalent would look like if the surgeon did the same. If it doesn't make sense or sounds crazy, you are right. IT IS CRAZY. Not me, the institution. This makes no sense for so many reasons but they know they can get away with it.
That is on my mind. keeping me up.
And it is even strange to me how it is keeping me up. I don't feel the heavy burden feelings that used to be so familiar, I am not manic, (hopefully it stays that way, hopefully lack of sleep won't be a trigger) and I don't feel anxious, overly worried or even all that angry. I don't understand very well what I am feeling now. I feel rather calm and determined. Yet tears come so frequently and raw emotions are easily exposed. Determined yet calm about it and not entirely sure where and why that determination lies or what direction it needs to be directed in.
I like work and that is good. I have been so much better at compartmentalizing and I like the focus I can put there but when I am home I mostly put it away, and this is a good change for me and my family.
... and so many other things keeping me up. like the blog post I started about lovely Janice, the post that I need to finish because it turns out, she touched on some very sensitive area's and basically summarized all I need to still face.
which brings me to the last thing I wish to mention that is keeping me up, and that is dear Perri. I still am back and forth on whether I should use his name or not, so it has come out now and again. Here it just feels better to call him dear Perri.
She and wise trusted friend from winter work (the ski resort) both pointed out some of the good he has done for me. (Interesting this happened 2 days in a row and timed now.) They both are attempting to help me find peace, I think. I actually do have peace already though and I even recognize that dear Perri has played a part in that.
So in my head are thoughts again of how do I protect him while helping myself? Standing up for myself? Do I need to stand up for myself?
Can I finally let it go? let it die?
Problems with that are: He gifted himself to my heart "you can keep me in your heart" so the psychology of undoing that is tricky... I have reclaimed my heart but separating him out does not seem wise or practical.
So how do I psychologically let it die without killing my heart? He has found a safe home there. In my head is probably not so safe for him, but I still like him there too. He is still my drug of choice in many ways. I enjoy the story. I love his face, his glasses that make his eyes seem just a little smaller than they really are. I love his creases and dimples when he smiles and I love how his eyes would light up when I saw him. I also loved that occasionally I could sense the most subtle or at least remarkably controlled frustrations with me. I love that he was cryptic at times. I love how he could find my words for me and with little effort he could land on what I was trying to express. Or at least seemed to. I loved how knowledgable he was. I loved his soft soothing voice. I love how he wore his shirts; always a long sleeve button up, with the sleeves folded to just below his elbows. I think it is funny that he rubbed his right eye with his right middle finger. I think it is funny that he said, with a hint of surprise, "you really have been listening to me." I think it is funny that I confused him so much. I loved "Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this." He was breaking my heart and yet I savor it. I loved how he'd talk about his kids. And, even if at times I wish he were, I love that he is not reading this, he has let me burn out. I love that he collects rocks and taught me about tokens (or was it totems). I love how he taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I love that he screwed up so bad with me, and didn't know how to fix it. Maybe I don't love that one, but I kind of do because I had him so high on a pedestal that it speaks loudly of just how complex I really am. It lets me know what I previously had not; I have been doing well all these years attempting to navigate some very difficult stuff with not much support. If I could screw a neuropsychologist up that bad without even trying; if he could miss that I was manic and straddling both worlds, I must be something special. It also teaches me that I really do need help if I'd like to be part of a team.
Sadly, though,
and this is where my love starts to fade
the problem of how this all has been handled reaffirms those "you aren't good enough for a team" messages. They are affirmations I have accepted time and time again "you don't fit in and you don't belong" as I have been abandoned and I abandon.
Janice, who has worked with my kind (TBI) knew it all too well. She was telling me how I was before I told her. When I told her where my brain had bled when I was 12 she knew a lot about what my teens years would have looked like and she explained how I can see the picture of the words or what I am trying to say, but I'd have trouble verbally recalling the words I needed. She understood why I felt frustration with not being able to articulate to my level of intelligence. She did not find this comment offensive or arrogant. (I think some people might simply because the comment itself is over their head or outside of their understanding) Janice worded for me, before I even attempted to explain that in my transference situation, since I was unable to and not allowed to work through my transference, dear Perri rejecting me became me rejecting me.
complex. but someone, seasoned and experienced, understood.
,,,and now I am tired. I want to sleep. My head, I hope, has enough out, that I might be able to.
I'll look to edit later.
Neuroscience Institute Facility Director, who I'd asked not be allowed to interact with patients, has sent me a letter terminating me from any of the doctors or providers there. Her reason: they cannot accommodate my behavioral health needs. What is that supposed to mean? what and why?
It feels like she is trying to turn me into a behavioral problem. It feels like gaslighting. I do not know who is behind it.
I think it may just be her but she, or someone, most certainly has been playing games with me and very likely my confidentiality rights were breached since the office staff started treating me very strange. I even had to check in at a different desk on my final appointment. They personally called me the day before to make sure I knew to check in at this other desk. Too bad their cover was blown [in that they were not doing this for everyone] when the new lady who: first; left me waiting by the "wait here" sign for like 10 minutes while she finished with whatever it was she was doing for the previous patient, which was not checking in, and second; she didn't recognize me personally and almost accidentally sent me to their actual check in desk but was quickly stopped by the girl I recognized from previous visits with a "wait! who are you here to see?" When I told here who, she said, "oh you check in over here," cutting new lady off when she started with the, "I thought check in..." response. When she asked my name I replied, "I bet you can guess" to which she nice-save-style stated, "uh, only because there isn't anyone else checking in right now." If she had been just a bit confused by my comment the facade would have been more believable.
Over the years, being the odd man out often, comfortable with the boys and not so much with the girls, and a misfit, I have developed that keen sense of knowing when people have been talking about someone behind their back, and of knowing when I am the hot topic for gossip.
And my checkin nurse, Dr. Concussion's assistant, who used to be friendly and fun to talk to, has zero to say to me, is cold and unfriendly.
I've been the topic of conversation no doubt, I'd put $ on it.
It's not right. And Dr. Concussion, not even providing a name or recommendation on a facility, when she assured me she would help me find a new team... heartbreaking dishonesty.
It is so hard to find, as she herself put it, "the right fit" and now I am going in blind. I'm in the same boat, worse in some ways, now as I was when I was looking for them in the first place. I feel like I'm throwing money at doctors that don't know what they are doing. They will "help you" and treat you as long as it is convenient for them, as long as you are easy to treat and diagnose but when you are a challenge, they say, "too bad, we are now taking back our diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plan, there's the door, here's a band aid to cover the gushing wound from opening you up, because we are not going to finish with the procedures we started."
If my ankle surgeon were following their example, once he saw the panic in my eyes just before going under, he would have thought about wheeling me out. When he cut in and realized it was worse than he was expecting he would have stopped there, wheeled me out, then had his staff send me on my way, claiming that not only had I not been asleep but that he hadn't really even cut me open, I must have been making that up and they support it when he says he is done with treating a patient. "Further more" they would say "when he actually got to look inside he found that you had not disclosed the extent of your injury so, too bad, the facility will not treat you and we cannot be held accountable for any of it. Goodbye and good luck finding a new surgeon; check with your insurance."
That is what the equivalent would look like if the surgeon did the same. If it doesn't make sense or sounds crazy, you are right. IT IS CRAZY. Not me, the institution. This makes no sense for so many reasons but they know they can get away with it.
That is on my mind. keeping me up.
And it is even strange to me how it is keeping me up. I don't feel the heavy burden feelings that used to be so familiar, I am not manic, (hopefully it stays that way, hopefully lack of sleep won't be a trigger) and I don't feel anxious, overly worried or even all that angry. I don't understand very well what I am feeling now. I feel rather calm and determined. Yet tears come so frequently and raw emotions are easily exposed. Determined yet calm about it and not entirely sure where and why that determination lies or what direction it needs to be directed in.
I like work and that is good. I have been so much better at compartmentalizing and I like the focus I can put there but when I am home I mostly put it away, and this is a good change for me and my family.
... and so many other things keeping me up. like the blog post I started about lovely Janice, the post that I need to finish because it turns out, she touched on some very sensitive area's and basically summarized all I need to still face.
which brings me to the last thing I wish to mention that is keeping me up, and that is dear Perri. I still am back and forth on whether I should use his name or not, so it has come out now and again. Here it just feels better to call him dear Perri.
She and wise trusted friend from winter work (the ski resort) both pointed out some of the good he has done for me. (Interesting this happened 2 days in a row and timed now.) They both are attempting to help me find peace, I think. I actually do have peace already though and I even recognize that dear Perri has played a part in that.
So in my head are thoughts again of how do I protect him while helping myself? Standing up for myself? Do I need to stand up for myself?
Can I finally let it go? let it die?
Problems with that are: He gifted himself to my heart "you can keep me in your heart" so the psychology of undoing that is tricky... I have reclaimed my heart but separating him out does not seem wise or practical.
So how do I psychologically let it die without killing my heart? He has found a safe home there. In my head is probably not so safe for him, but I still like him there too. He is still my drug of choice in many ways. I enjoy the story. I love his face, his glasses that make his eyes seem just a little smaller than they really are. I love his creases and dimples when he smiles and I love how his eyes would light up when I saw him. I also loved that occasionally I could sense the most subtle or at least remarkably controlled frustrations with me. I love that he was cryptic at times. I love how he could find my words for me and with little effort he could land on what I was trying to express. Or at least seemed to. I loved how knowledgable he was. I loved his soft soothing voice. I love how he wore his shirts; always a long sleeve button up, with the sleeves folded to just below his elbows. I think it is funny that he rubbed his right eye with his right middle finger. I think it is funny that he said, with a hint of surprise, "you really have been listening to me." I think it is funny that I confused him so much. I loved "Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this." He was breaking my heart and yet I savor it. I loved how he'd talk about his kids. And, even if at times I wish he were, I love that he is not reading this, he has let me burn out. I love that he collects rocks and taught me about tokens (or was it totems). I love how he taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I love that he screwed up so bad with me, and didn't know how to fix it. Maybe I don't love that one, but I kind of do because I had him so high on a pedestal that it speaks loudly of just how complex I really am. It lets me know what I previously had not; I have been doing well all these years attempting to navigate some very difficult stuff with not much support. If I could screw a neuropsychologist up that bad without even trying; if he could miss that I was manic and straddling both worlds, I must be something special. It also teaches me that I really do need help if I'd like to be part of a team.
Sadly, though,
and this is where my love starts to fade
the problem of how this all has been handled reaffirms those "you aren't good enough for a team" messages. They are affirmations I have accepted time and time again "you don't fit in and you don't belong" as I have been abandoned and I abandon.
Janice, who has worked with my kind (TBI) knew it all too well. She was telling me how I was before I told her. When I told her where my brain had bled when I was 12 she knew a lot about what my teens years would have looked like and she explained how I can see the picture of the words or what I am trying to say, but I'd have trouble verbally recalling the words I needed. She understood why I felt frustration with not being able to articulate to my level of intelligence. She did not find this comment offensive or arrogant. (I think some people might simply because the comment itself is over their head or outside of their understanding) Janice worded for me, before I even attempted to explain that in my transference situation, since I was unable to and not allowed to work through my transference, dear Perri rejecting me became me rejecting me.
complex. but someone, seasoned and experienced, understood.
,,,and now I am tired. I want to sleep. My head, I hope, has enough out, that I might be able to.
I'll look to edit later.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Gravity
Shoot,
the brain is really going again.
Rapid releases for relief
What goes up must come down
delaying down won't stop it
thought I'd made it through. Hope I did, but tears they keep coming, hitting unexpectedly. Not sad just coping and embracing and allowing
btw: on lexapro again, half of a half, not the dose or refill they prescribed uninvited with termination from Concussion Dr.
Tired
but brain is busy, writing and re-writing stories
more than one way to skin a cat
time to compartmentalize. set it aside and get done what we were distracted from. But welcome distraction. A God send
the brain is really going again.
Rapid releases for relief
What goes up must come down
delaying down won't stop it
thought I'd made it through. Hope I did, but tears they keep coming, hitting unexpectedly. Not sad just coping and embracing and allowing
btw: on lexapro again, half of a half, not the dose or refill they prescribed uninvited with termination from Concussion Dr.
Tired
but brain is busy, writing and re-writing stories
more than one way to skin a cat
time to compartmentalize. set it aside and get done what we were distracted from. But welcome distraction. A God send
Free from pain or fighting for the underdogs?
Stories. So many stories. and I get to write my own.
take care of you they all say
Janice,
she's right.
concern all my life, taking care of others
focus on your strengths
-that is-
stand up for the underdog
but our strengths can be our greatest weaknesses
so do I take on Goliath?
Who is the real underdog
me
or he, owned by the industry?
Or they, the others whom the bureaucracy, is claiming to help?
he can't practice according to his conscience.
I do know that much.
they want him to do more testing and less therapy.
But he is amazing and very good at therapy
and testing, but he has the power to change people in healthy happy ways through therapy
Like Janice said
and she is correct
"he has changed you for the better." Hold onto that, be careful where my focus goes
I bet, that even changed, that can still be a slippery slop
best to be aware.
don't head down the slop
the one I was afraid of slipping down when I said "I can't loose you right now"
I knew I wasn't on solid ground
So slow I crept along the edge of that slippery slop so I wouldn't fall back into the same traps and ruts.
I am not the same but I am also still not in the clear
and it was good to be reminded.
Life is so very very interesting and God really does put people in our paths at times.
"I don't know what it looks like yet" I said to the Facility Director the first time I talked with her, "but I know I need to stand up for myself"
Stories, where will this one go? Where will I take it?
It does not die here
that much I know.
I let myself die and I'm on the other side
how will the story go from here?
A few rough drafts I'll try
I like to work that way anyway.
Input welcome
take care of you they all say
Janice,
she's right.
concern all my life, taking care of others
focus on your strengths
-that is-
stand up for the underdog
but our strengths can be our greatest weaknesses
so do I take on Goliath?
Who is the real underdog
me
or he, owned by the industry?
Or they, the others whom the bureaucracy, is claiming to help?
he can't practice according to his conscience.
I do know that much.
they want him to do more testing and less therapy.
But he is amazing and very good at therapy
and testing, but he has the power to change people in healthy happy ways through therapy
Like Janice said
and she is correct
"he has changed you for the better." Hold onto that, be careful where my focus goes
I bet, that even changed, that can still be a slippery slop
best to be aware.
don't head down the slop
the one I was afraid of slipping down when I said "I can't loose you right now"
I knew I wasn't on solid ground
So slow I crept along the edge of that slippery slop so I wouldn't fall back into the same traps and ruts.
I am not the same but I am also still not in the clear
and it was good to be reminded.
Life is so very very interesting and God really does put people in our paths at times.
"I don't know what it looks like yet" I said to the Facility Director the first time I talked with her, "but I know I need to stand up for myself"
Stories, where will this one go? Where will I take it?
It does not die here
that much I know.
I let myself die and I'm on the other side
how will the story go from here?
A few rough drafts I'll try
I like to work that way anyway.
Input welcome
his eyes are just sweaty, that's all
**another interesting (probably fact): the sex drive is likely the reason husband is not complaining. He says this has been the hardest thing on our marriage, he complains about the bills, and truthfully he doesn't like to fight this kind of fight, but he would have either left or Neuroscience Institute would have had a few more angry phone calls and heard more from him if it weren't for that (sex).
... it is very surprising and fascinating to me that he feels this has been the hardest thing on our marriage. For me it has not because we have dealt with some really hardshit things, that have about ended us many times. Deaths, dysfunctional families, parents and siblings loosing all financial stability, health problems, mental health issues, ADHD (him), OCD (him), PTSD (me), CEN (both), depression (both), anxiety, what some label as bipolar but what we have come to realize is TBI (both) coupled with the stresses of life, poverty, welfare, separation, corrupt jobs... Lots of fun stuff in 20 years. No wonder I buried so many of my stories, and so much of me.
But
there has also been a lot of good and fun
and after making that sidetracked, slightly derailed, list
I am pretty proud of us and how we have handled such adversity.
No turning to affairs, drinking, or drugs and we know we can trust each other.
That is refreshing and nice.
... it is very surprising and fascinating to me that he feels this has been the hardest thing on our marriage. For me it has not because we have dealt with some really hard
But
there has also been a lot of good and fun
and after making that sidetracked, slightly derailed, list
I am pretty proud of us and how we have handled such adversity.
No turning to affairs, drinking, or drugs and we know we can trust each other.
That is refreshing and nice.
Not sleeping well again
A new goal of mine is to really work on my executive functioning skills. Time management, space management, and memory management, the main components of executive functioning are all things I've wanted to do better at for a very long time. Not surprising, those 3 things are a common increased struggle after TBI; so for me it has been pretty much a lifetime struggle.
Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.
Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.
Friday, June 14, 2019
Art Therapy
During therapy, Dr. Cheri encouraged me to do things that were just plain relaxing. The goal was to help my tired, push-crash-cycling, and concussed brain slow down and get the breaks it needed so it may recover more fully. One of the activities I chose to do occasionally was to paint.
Full disclosure: I am not a painter nor an artist. I do, however, like to play with paint and after a lesson from my beautiful artist sister-in-law on how to do that I have found allowing myself the freedom to explore that medium without pressure or judgement from myself or anyone else to be very therapeutic and satisfying.
Here I will share:
This second picture was painted when I was trying so hard to recover from the mania and the massive melt down of whatever it was that transpired in therapy. Initially I had started painting a water drop, something I had wanted to do after noticing the beauty in the shape and reflections of water drops on glass. I had started that and left it. Days later I decided to use the canvas for another therapeutic free play session. My thoughts were on "letting it burn out;" something dear Perri had shared with me on how he had resolved or would resolve himself to move on from me. (More words that hurt me deeply and have been denied in this whole ridiculous ordeal, but that he assuredly has stuck to, and I have likely helped him with, as I was burning up inside). The picture very much created itself, and though it is messy and unskilled, I love it because of all the images that seemed to come out in this very unintentional piece. In the end I did slightly enhance two figures I saw in it and somehow the water droplet remained but aside from that there were no intentional images created. I love this one. It is deep and intense to me as I achieved some artistic texture and complexity that I have no experience with.
This last canvas started out as a completely different mess of artistic expression and creation that I did not love. It was another exercise. Even a second attempt to let it burn out more completely. I was hoping the second attempt, a more intentional attempt to let this whole deal die out, would kill it completely. Not surprisingly, it did not work, and as I confess my thoughts I realize how silly they were; how silly it was to attempt to structure a burning out that really was about me burning out. No wonder it looked very much like an attempt at an underwater scene. Since I didn't like it much I decided to paint over it the other day. I needed the the therapeutic activity to help me relax after the two damning letters from the IHC corporation.
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?
 |
| The Puzzle of my Broken Brain |
This first painting I painted was while early in therapy with Dr. Cheri. It may have been the first painting where I really let myself explore and be free, without much thought or care on what I was painting or the finished product. It was messy and relaxing, and I enjoyed the process. Upon completion as I looked at my painting from afar, I felt as if I had just achieved my teen and adolescent desire to open my head, dump out the mess that was inside and sort it out like a puzzle so I could understand what was happening in there.
I shared this picture and experience with Dr. Cheri to which he replied with a comment I will not share here because, out of context, it sounds and feels very wrong. I will say this much, I figured he was testing the intimacy and my security of sharing something like this, deep inside I knew he was also testing my feelings about him; testing me for transference. My reply then, "No, that'd be way more terrifying." Later I referenced his comment in my frustrated rebuttal to what felt like his accusations of stalking when I was seeking clarification. This was the comment that female therapist I tried found so offensive but failed to ask why I had said it.
 |
| Letting it Burn Out |
 |
| The Scarlet Letter |
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?
IHC Office of Patient Experiences Review
The Patient Experiences team with IHC , the patient advocates, their investigation process, is simply a ploy to give them a running head start with their legal team; to gather and and start compiling their case against you. A way for them to know ahead of time exactly what they need to do, and to try to preemptively create a manipulated trail of evidence they can use against you, so that any case they plead, in defense against your complaints, is airtight.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Off with her head
Close to my heart I hold the crystals we found at topaz mountain
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take
Neuroscience Institute Murray, Utah
Here we go again.
Lying awake due to games being played with me by IHC or maybe just the Neuroscience Institute in Murray, Utah. I am being so bold now as to publish the name because this is and has been so very wrong and people who may desire to go there deserve to be warned.
I am so tired but cannot sleep.
I would have been more okay but today I got a second letter from them. Sent certified $6.85. My daughter had to sign for it. (after all we have been throng with them this was upsetting to her BTW)
I thought is was a repeat from the patient advocate. the BS of the appeal. so I did not bother to look at it. but my husband did.
It's not the same. It's a termination and letting me know that I am not allowed back for treatment of any kind with the neuroscience Institute because "our clinic cannot provide the ongoing behavioral health treatment you need related to your traumatic brain injury."
The letter also informs me that Concussion Dr. will not be following through with her commitment to me to give a recommendation on a psychiatrist-psychologist team or even just a psychiatrist but rather "Your insurance company can provide resources for finding a provider to manage your ongoing behavioral health concerns, and we encourage you to reach out to them to facilitate this process."
-Oh how sweet of them.
My concerns expressed to Concussion Dr. about blindly throwing money at trying to find the "right fit" she was encouraging me to find, the reasons I was asking for her help and recommendations, are completely disregarded and now "behavioral health concerns."
The "prior undisclosed mental health issue's" that I begged to have acknowledged as they came flooding back to my memory and connected PTSD style to my previous TBI are now "behavioral health concerns" that they are incapable and incompetent of handling.
Beautiful, isn't it?
And second letter is signed by the only person they acknowledged made any mistakes and would be held accountable, which is also the person I asked not be allowed any contact with patients because of how she treated me. Why on earth would it be okay for her to be the one contacting me to confirm the frustration I expressed to Concussion Dr's assistant; that I have, in fact and reality, been ostracized by the facility?
Lying awake due to games being played with me by IHC or maybe just the Neuroscience Institute in Murray, Utah. I am being so bold now as to publish the name because this is and has been so very wrong and people who may desire to go there deserve to be warned.
I am so tired but cannot sleep.
I would have been more okay but today I got a second letter from them. Sent certified $6.85. My daughter had to sign for it. (after all we have been throng with them this was upsetting to her BTW)
I thought is was a repeat from the patient advocate. the BS of the appeal. so I did not bother to look at it. but my husband did.
It's not the same. It's a termination and letting me know that I am not allowed back for treatment of any kind with the neuroscience Institute because "our clinic cannot provide the ongoing behavioral health treatment you need related to your traumatic brain injury."
The letter also informs me that Concussion Dr. will not be following through with her commitment to me to give a recommendation on a psychiatrist-psychologist team or even just a psychiatrist but rather "Your insurance company can provide resources for finding a provider to manage your ongoing behavioral health concerns, and we encourage you to reach out to them to facilitate this process."
-Oh how sweet of them.
My concerns expressed to Concussion Dr. about blindly throwing money at trying to find the "right fit" she was encouraging me to find, the reasons I was asking for her help and recommendations, are completely disregarded and now "behavioral health concerns."
The "prior undisclosed mental health issue's" that I begged to have acknowledged as they came flooding back to my memory and connected PTSD style to my previous TBI are now "behavioral health concerns" that they are incapable and incompetent of handling.
Beautiful, isn't it?
And second letter is signed by the only person they acknowledged made any mistakes and would be held accountable, which is also the person I asked not be allowed any contact with patients because of how she treated me. Why on earth would it be okay for her to be the one contacting me to confirm the frustration I expressed to Concussion Dr's assistant; that I have, in fact and reality, been ostracized by the facility?
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Dear John, ... Love, God
6/11/2019 4:22am
I’ve been lying awake for some time now. Even though so many people have told me there is nothing you can do, (the giant IHC will do what they want) I am still in shock. It baffles me that they have faked so much and gone so far and accept no responsibility, will admit no wrong doing.
As I am lying awake I think of my meme: Not Maniac? Then God really does have a message for you.
And I think of his lack of reply when I asked “Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?”
I think of how this seems to drive that final nail of evidence that he was.
I think about his comment, “I don’t believe in forever anymore”
And of the chakra visible Yin and Yang that appeared in his office
God's message to him through me may look something like this:
I do. and I’ll find you in forever
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence.
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence.
When I find you, I’ll feel like a God to you as I pull you out of your darkness
and As you realize your truth,
The truth that will either free us both from the lies of this situation
Or that will burn you up.
A burn that will ignite inside of you to the degree of Hell.
The burn that I have felt an inkling of as you lit and played with the fire of my personal chemistry.
I was not your personal chemistry set.
I am not a toy.
I am not a toy.
And though you helped me realize
That I am simply human and allowed to be
-That I do not wish to be a god and do not have to be-
I will feel like One to you
as I reach for you
and your truths are revealed.
So… will you deny my mania?
The way you have denied connection
The way you deny responsibility for the mess you know I should not be blamed for?
It’d be so much easier if I were devoid of the symptoms you deny
Then I could forget
And I would not need to solve
But alas, the sad reality is that I am not.
And that I am not David
Though I might now go looking for him
To bring down the Goliath that you hide behind.
So, dear friend, was I manic or not?
Or is this too deep for you the way those potentially troublesome emails were too deep for your superiors? [Now what were you so worried about? Or did you have to work to manipulate them to overlook it ...kind of like the way you manipulated me?…Hoping you could alter what I was seeing when you knew I was seeing right through you -when you knew before I did …because I am/was slow at processing new information in the time of my broken brain. Too bad I know so many tricks. Too bad I have the experience you now call “prior undisclosed”]
Will this be your reality? Or will you find God again?
I hope you will find God, because he loves you so much more than I do.
(and only He can save you from this hell you have created)
Thor
this draft is a bit messy but I'm publishing anyway because its a good segue into the next, and this blog is about letting it come out how it will anyway.
6/9/2019 9:55 driving home
I have written about so many different things in so many different places lately and for so many different audiences that I am not sure if I have written about this here, on the blog:
“You are very intuitive” is in my head. It wants to be written about and published.
Intuition is something I had to, -or maybe not “had to” but simply- learned to, rely on as neuroplasticity was occurring in response to my young TBI.
I have said this before. Have I said it here? I could spend time looking back or I can repeat. …It is funny how we call some repetition rumination. Repetition is a very effective learning tool. In many forms we call it practice. So at what point does repetition become rumination? And at what point does what we learn, realize, observe, absorb, feel and sense become intuition?
My intuition is pretty good at this point. But so is my ability to explore possibilities. The more times one swings a hammer the more likely they are to hit the nail on the head.
Swinging the hammer?
This is a new thought…
Swinging the hammer so many times is more likely hit the nail on the head but it is also more likely to create a few holes in the wall. …
Don’t leave a hammer in the hands of an undisciplined swinging child?
Stop swinging the hammer, recenter, focus on the nail, test at close range, then again further and further as you your strike becomes more presise ? Thus driving the nail in with intention?
So many possible analogies and directions, lessons that can be learned.
Driving the nail
The final nail
…Left to drive this nail into my own coffin?
Maybe I don’t want to hit the nail on the head
Maybe take the nail out
Maybe then the swinging hard and fast is appropriate
Because in the coffin is not where I belong
If you have to drive the nail into the coffin of the child that is not dead then keep the hammer in the hands of the wild swinging child. Let them break the coffin, all on their own, when you know you can’t. when your hands are tied.
Intuition Is that you speaking?
IHC do you create coffins for the undead? Driving nails when insurance, politics and greed says to?
Swing that hammer wild child, Redirect your rumination. Use that to your advantage. -you may not be able to bring down the fort (manufacturer) but maybe you’ll bust free from the premature coffin you've been put in, before that final nail is driven.
It’s arbitrary.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions
Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions
Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Triggered
The other day at work while I listened to one of the kids try to work over my boss, I was feeling things.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?
I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?
I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me.
Watching this situation unfold hurt me. I was triggered.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.
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