Epiphany is that you?

"Maybe, I will really burn this down"
Burn bridges
f*#@ it up on purpose
maybe that is how I can feel like I have some control in my life
if I start intentionally messing things up..
Is that why people do some of the things they do?
a way to gain control when they feel like they have none
a way to gain power when they feel powerless
If everything feels so screwed up anyway
why not take control and start screwing it up intentionally
...before it screws you

aahhh...
this makes sense
I bet this is a common problem
I wonder how much I may have unconsciously done this myself already
"don't you worry about you f*#@ing things up, I've totally got it covered."

and I think I have had this epiphany before
just in a slightly different version
in what often feels like a king of the hill* culture. (*referring to the children's game where you try to knock the king off of the hill to become the king of the hill; become the strongest and the best by knocking others down)

humans are weird
and very fascinating

alone again

and so it's been decided
again and again
I'm best off
stuck right where I am

Fine.
I hate all you all
and at least that makes me laugh
here alone
again
confused again
unsure of which way to turn
because somehow
I fuck everything up

and I don't even like that word
not one bit
but seems to be my talent

Go me
right now
fucking it up
any chances that ever could have potentially existed
don't worry
I'll screw the shit out of it
Maybe I should be prostitute

this is so horrible of me to type and I know I "shouldn't" publish it especially since it is very much out of character for me. But that maybe exactly why it is making me laugh.
To hell with trying to be what I am not
I am just one fucking screw up that despises that word and (being fully honest here) has a tendency to    be a bit "judgey" of the use and/or regular users of the word. It is not something I like the idea of at all. but at the same time
it is making me laugh as I am making an effort to get out of my "stuck"
Really
its bullshit
my stuck
is bullshit
I am stuck in the boxes that others place me in and I don't have any idea how to get out
After 40 years and I am here, maybe I am not capable of it?
Maybe I am just plain old bullshit and all the bad words I try to avoid and maybe I should embrace that
But I am supposed to be careful of the "shoulds"
but that was the golden mistake
so what the hell does that mean
what does it all mean?
Well, since its of no value where I thought it might be then
it is all just bullshit
so to hell with all ya all
 and this is my angry profane rant that I have kept inside for so fucking long that it makes me laugh and cry at the same time!
I never swore when they warned my parents I might.

...And I will keep you away
I will keep you safe
from me
because I am just a fucking load of bullshit that somehow preserves others from the liability of myself by fucking things up beyond repair.
Go ME!
At least I am really good at fucking things up. so good that half the time people think I've done my job before I've even started. I can fuck things up before the fucking has even started! Now that is a skill!
I feel very proud of myself now.
I am competent and skilled and nobody even knows it. which must mean that I am humble too, right?
... there you have it
my talents revealed
good day
Where am I even going with this

If any humans in the real world actually happen to stumble across this and read this
I am sorry (though it does make me laugh in this moment and I kind of need that)
I need people much more than they need me.
and I am sorry for that
but at least I am good at preserving them by making a mess of things early on
I don't know how I feel about that
I am not even sure what I mean by that
It is likely one of those things that I am supposed to keep inside and not reveal that I feel about myself because it reflects poorly on me. I am supposed to somehow work through that on my own without talking about it until I am strong and on the other side of it. I have not had much success with that. Maybe I am the Ghostrider ...what a stupid movie. Yep, that about fits. Stupid, overly dramatic without being overly dramatic, bad acting, but actually kind of intelligent on some level...
How dumb
... um these might be negative thought processes and I don't allow self-deprecation by my kids or their friends.. so I am being a really bad example here.
For what purpose?
I don't know?
No, I do, for the purpose of illustrating the realities and to help me move out of my stuck... moving from thinking [counterproductive] to doing.
I am sorry if I have warped advice and instructions
but when we are prematurely left to our own devices and/or are not valued enough to be worked with, befriended, played with, or loved, then we often go awry.
Humans are weird
Why do we self sabotage?
I think I am good now.
Time to start my day
...again
"oh man, it's already 10,"
"I don't even care"
"Yes I do, I've gotten my writing out. I feel better. Now what can I do to be the strongest version of me today?"

yesterday

Yesterday,
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.

Rapid cycling

1/1/19 8:30pm
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.

 since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows

face to face

1/1/19 4:12 am
the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.

I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]

Losing the one person in my life who seemed to have answers, seemed to know how to help me, and seemed to be able to care about me in ways I needed to be cared about is too harsh a blow right now and in my fatigue my mind keeps cycling back to things I've screwed up. I am aware that right now is a very easy time for me to cycle right back into old ways and negative thinking patterns and truly I don't want to so I am trying to stay out of the ruts... But my most trusted mentor that has been able to help me most effectively in getting out of those ruts wants nothing to do with me and I've lost him and I am supposed to keep pushing him out of my mind... somehow believing that I did nothing wrong.

...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)

Good night again morning.

**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.

the circle of... life?... or is it madness

I am in a bit of an obsessive cycle, trying not to "solve this" while trying to solve this mess. Why did I break and why do I want so desperately to talk to my Dr. Perri Cherie? this may just turn into a very disjointed connected post but I'll let it be whatever it decides to be and whatever it turns itself into. I wasn't going to mention Dr. Cherie, I meant to focus on the repeats of patterns I am seeing as I have been reading through some previous posts.
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.

...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there

Itally

12/13/18 12:32 am Italian time
Italy is a bit like me.
It is crowded, full of people and old ideas and new ideas.
It is new and scary but old and traditional.
It is full of roundabouts.
…So many roundabouts
It is plain but beautiful.
It has mountains of adventure and oceans of mystery.
It is fast moving but slow to evolve.
It's full of carefully crafted but not always intentionally crafted things
and naturally beautiful things.
It has passion and energy but feels calm and collected.
And all of this has to live cohesively in one small nation.

It is exciting to be here and scary at the same time but I feel calm and at home as I usually do when I love myself enough to let me be me.
It is hard to communicate but that is nothing new. People think and do things differently than I am used to but that is a reality for me no matter where I am. I am not afraid of the people here because I don’t understand them exactly and they don’t understand me.
It is easier here to see that for what it is.
It may cause some discomfort, and some people will not be open to helping or being friendly, but that is okay because it is hard. However with those who are friendly and do try to help it is so nice and such an awesome experience as we get to participate in humanity at it’s best:
Despite language barriers, cultural and even racial differences people can find a way to connect and share warmth and friendship with each other.
It is a beautiful thing and part of why I love to travel. While some parts are hard and intimidating -and sleep is definitely disrupted- it is such an incredible adventure that will open your heart and your mind to new and beautiful ways of being if you embrace it for all that it is and allow it to.
I love Italy already and I am very glad to be here.

It is the healing journey of independence after the one with friends that in many ways broke us.