Intertwined Rewind

"Have you ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist?" It is the question I am being asked as part of the pre-paperwork for my neuropsychological evaluation that will be done tomorrow. I think back... Have I?
Oh yes, at age 18 when I spent the night in the place in Florida... oh, and I have one other time by the doctor of the study I did to get help with what I was experiencing in a way that would keep it hidden from records. I went this route because by then I knew too well how that stuff will follow and haunt you. How opportunities will disappear and judgements will become quick, severe, and unjust.  So I knew it was best to keep it as hidden as I could and going through a study would do just that. Good thing that study doctor liked me well enough to help me stay hidden for years -until I really no longer needed a psychiatrist. Do I share that now? Of course, because I was evaluated by a psychiatrist, I do remember that now, and I am no longer interested in hiding and/or burying that part of me because that has led to some trouble...
But when? The paperwork I am filling out asks for when...
I really cannot recall. I know an approximate within 5 years but thats a big spread. Then I remember this here blog and I think maybe I can find a more exact time frame...
So I find myself reading the very old stuff. A lot is the same. A lot is different. I am surprised at how the pattern of hypo-manic cycling is so similar to the manic crazy I went through- just not nearly to that same level. I am reading and remembering
...and then I am crying as I see pieces of me that were so clearly reflected back at me by that man that broke me...
I was even "okay with being wrong."
And now I am fighting words that curse God because this mess is so painful and so very confusing.
I don't want to fight that man. I don't want to be at odds with the reflections of me in the expert in the field of my life's defining trial.
It is too much.
And I hate that I have to remind myself, tell myself, or convince myself that it is not real, that he is not real. I hate that I have to keep fighting that in my head in order to escape whatever that was that I am not allowed to be a part of. I hate that I have to hate.
My story is his story in so many ways and his story saturated mine. I hate that he denies and hides   after twisting things just so to make me believe that he cared and cares more than he does.
Please oh please stop professing your love by having nothing to do with me outside of therapy.  
We both know it's not true so please let me off your hook, please help me break the cycle you started.
It really can be just that simple.
I don't need to keep getting burned in so many ways by the medical records that can't sort themselves out just so I can burn out for you.
Please

...and I don't know who it is reading this blog but I am certain it is NOT him... yet sometimes I still hope. Hope that he'll care, listen, soften his heart and his ego, let go of his fear and hear me.

Tangled too Much today

Right now it feels like too much to untangle. I have an appointment with Dr. Untangle Neurologist tomorrow. She requested this appointment when my husband called to see if he could get some clarification from her. The fact that my husband did this at all is huge, and yet I don't really know if I can trust it at this point... so that is tangled. I feel nervous and worried about this appointment. I think I know at least some of what I need to get from it but I have no idea what to expect and I feel she has picked up some of the bias that was planted against me from the records she "poured over." So this feels tangled and ...scarey?
I have an appointment today to have my hip looked at by the right specialist... Why did the other guys waste my time and take my money if they weren't even the "right" specialists? And last guy said the tear in my hip labrum is not likely from the car accident, yet it never bothered me before that and has been an increasing chronic problem ever since. I asked if it could have been a smaller tear made worse by the car accident. He said that is very possible and to me it seems clear that it is the case because it NEVER bothered me before, but will the insurance company accept that?  ...So this is tangled also.
On Wednesday I am doing a new neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. I am nervous about this. Part of why I am nervous is because the testing the Cognitive/Speech therapist did with me last week triggered memories of Dr. He which proved to be quite painful. It seems so silly and it caught me so off guard because obviously he is still on my mind a great deal more than I would like (any at all is too much) so I would not think new painful feelings would arise, but they did, and the worst kind of all; the endearing ones. So that is tangled.
It is also tangled because I am sensing things from Dr. She that I am not certain of but that make me nervous. I am sensing those feelings that may just be her own insecurity but that feel like the feelings I feel when someone is becoming to afraid of or displeased with me and so they are thinking of dropping me... I know, or believe, that Dr. She is not going to drop me unexpectedly, she has promised she would not, but I am sensing things that make me nervous. Things that I might be understanding better than she cares for me to so if I bring them up I risk loosing her but bringing them up just might help me figure out what I am doing to loose people when I sense these things. ... I don't know.
Also I am feeling lonely.
I want friends again. I want to do things, but I have lost some friends in very painful ways and I feel very insecure and uncertain about this.
And I want to pursue those things I have set out to do, but it feels scary and pointless because I have failed so many times.
And I don't want to fight I want to resolve. I don't actually want to be on opposite sides as the Neuroscience Institute, I want to help them help me and others, but they see me as the enemy when I am not, which makes it so I have to fight when I don't want to...
"I am always surprised at how many people want to see you fail," says my amazing cousin that has been through more than anyone should ever have to endure but has risen above and created a name and a business for herself. She is so kind and she credits others in her journey constantly. She is beautiful but humble and one hell of a boxer, yet deep down inside I know she never quite made her Olympic goal because she is too caring and considerate, kind and compassionate, so even though she is one amazing fighter, she's not about hurting others and I think she'll never punch hard enough to take away their dreams. She is younger than me so I always think of her as "girl" but she is a strong and amazing woman who I admire greatly and look up to so very much, so it kind of blew my mind that she has felt that too, that others want to see her fail and how they have treated her or things they have said to discredit or subtly undermine her efforts.
When I feels these things it often breaks me. I find it hard to even try. Sometimes it really feels like there is no longer a point to anything I do...
Yet I know this is not entirely true and I keep trying, I keep fighting...
But lately, I feel like I am fading again. Only this time I am more slowly fading into the blah of low confidence and complacency. Last time I was fading because I was not well and very broken. Last time I at least knew I was doing all that I could do. When I was fading before and told the people who were causing or heavily contributing to that fading, I at least knew, first time in my life, that I was really doing all that I could do and the best I could do. I was not beating myself up for not doing enough because I really was working hard and doing all that I could do as I was fading into the insanities and brokenness that I was. My fight was to survive... And now I want to thrive so
this time I am fading because I feel beat down and defeated. I know I can do more but I don't know that their is any point in trying since my efforts are wrought with resistance or just plain ignored. I don't feel like trying because maybe they are right about me and maybe the reality in the middle is that I have nothing of value to offer and I am not worth anyones time.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I want to believe in the ideal
I want to believe in me
I want to shoot for the stars and maybe hit the moon...
But maybe I shot for the stars and hit them
and now I am all burned up
because I was never a star myself
Just insignificant matter that will burn up completely and quickly in the event that I get too close to the stars I am shooting for or past.
....
.....
.......
.....
....
...and now it is time to turn it around again. Get all positive and motivated. Believe in myself or at least a higher power that I can allow to work through me
...which is very easy to tangle in our mortal frames,
so... go there or don't?
"keep fighting"
and
"fight harder"
but I don't want to be a fighter, I want to be a lover.
So...
Keep trying.
Forgive myself
and keep trying.
It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to make mistakes.
But it is not okay to be okay with being wrong and making mistakes about others that are harmful to them and then perpetuating harm instead of admitting you were wrong or that you made a mistake. It is not okay to lead others to believe that which you are wrong about simply to hide and protect yourself from the mistakes you made. It is not okay to blame and shame the other person for your wrong and your mistakes. That is really not okay and not good citizenship. It is especially wrong when you are in a position of power over the other person.
Hmmm... my bad parenting of the other day is starting to make more sense. I bess be careful that I don't become the fingers I am pointing and the frustrations I am fighting.
Psychology- so complex and yet so repetitively simple.

Dear Careless Therapist,

Every morning I wake up having to fight you, even this much later. It is very annoying. Especially since I am not really sure what the fight is and what it needs to look like. I just know that you are in my head when you wish me dead and I wish for you to be gone out of my head and my heart.
It is also very annoying because I don't know what the real battle is. All of that got very convoluted when you lied and denied about what was really going on with me. You would think this would make it clear to my head what the battle is but there are many things that complicate this: You are the professional with the PHD education, training, and experience. You are supposed to be the one that knows the truth and can diagnosis accurately. You are the one that is and was paid to do this. You are trusted and I trusted you. I handed over my faith and confidence to you so that you could walk me through the healing, education and understanding that I needed. I loved and trusted you. I was highly and extremely vulnerable in many ways when my brain was literally broken and damaged. I was experiencing PTSD. I was having a flooding of memories that I had suppressed or forgotten and this flooding may have been directly related to the work we had been doing to "uncover my buried story."...Many things going on to complicate and these are just a few...  I also wanted to or needed to believe what you implied you felt about me; needing so desperately to be loved and accepted as some of the realities of my struggles in life were suddenly being understood through the lens of the under-treated and misunderstood TBI from my past. But the thing that convoluted most is the fact that you were actually helping me. So hard for me to fathom why you would suddenly have nothing to do with me AND try to make it appear as though I was doing wrong by trying to understand why my brain had and was breaking to the new level it was.
So many times I had told the people at your institution the things I actually was trying to solve but they blew me off, you blew me off, instead trying to pass it (and me) off under the false pretense that I was mentally ill but not in the way I was trying to explain. It was made to look like I was merely obsessed with you and that was primary to the actual and real problems that were manifesting; that of a more severe TBI that I had tried to explain again and again to so many providers and you. But nobody was listening. Instead I was branded and handed over to people who cared even less and whose job is to set things up for gaslighting and/or a corrupt cover of ass and tracks in the event that one does try to pursue legal action. You call them "office director" and "patient advocates."
I believe I could have moved on and not be battling EVERYDAY the things you said if I had not and was not experiencing the symptoms you deny and if I did not actually have the conditions you and the concussion doctor denied and/or ignored - concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for brain and car accident related injuries.
But I am stuck in this reality that you twisted and tainted for me and that follows me medically in my records. It is not very fair as I try to untangle and put together the puzzles pieces that were misinterpreted, mishandled, and misconstrued from the very beginning, not only by you and your institution but by others. Not terribly surprising the first to blow me off and misdiagnose was also an IHC provider, which does make me wonder if Concussion Dr. was covering and hiding things from the beginning.
And then lets add to it the the manic burst of energy I tried to show and explain to you. The breaking of the brain to the next level, possibly due to my ability to access that reaction out of self-preservation when what was happening was more than I could handle.  When I told you I was not sure if I could go back to teaching because of the lower cognitive stamina and when I told you that my personality was still changing too much -a full year and then some, after that second blow (another thing I told you)- you simply said flatly, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," and then continued with also taking away you. Another loss for me to mourn. Another blow to my head and my heart. It was too much as memories were flooding and rational reasoning returning enough to know that I had been handling the injuries poorly by trying not to burden and cause undue expense when I was literally broken in more ways than all had assumed (or wanted to keep hidden to cover mistakes made from the start). Or was I so good at hiding and handling my injuries since I had been conditioned to for years since the first TBI because I was "one smart cookie?"
So complex.
Yet you said your life was "very complex right now," and to that I say "you have no idea." Although I am certain you do because of the lengths you were willing to go to hide whatever it is you are still trying to hide.  Which is another burden on me, knowing that you are hiding and that you may also be manipulating other clients who are also broken, vulnerable, loving and trusting.
So the battles wage on. Every morning that I wake, every night as I try to fall asleep, in the day when I am reminded of you, which happens easily since you are now tied to my chemistry; a de-ja-vu when my feelings go up or down. A mess that intrigues and fascinates but that no one can quite understand... Many will dump me for it, choosing instead to blame me and jump on your wagon, because it is you they are afraid to distrust. Why? because what would that mean for them if the medical providers and/or therapists that they love and they trust were to do something similar? It is unfathomable, unthinkable and since I have long been followed by conflict and tension, misunderstood in the intelligent intensities that come with a self-solved broken brain it is much easier to say it is me anyway and escape any further ties to a woman who just might be unstable...
So unkind. So unfair. But it does not matter because I am nobody of significance and no-one I know dares speak up, no matter how many times I have put them first nor how I have loved or adored them. I have made myself second class so why would they stand up for me anyway?
Maddening and yet I understand and so I still love them regardless of how they treat me because of you... the reaffirmer of my second class status and worthlessness.
And round and round it goes.
Dear Careless Therapist, Dear John, Dear schmuck that manipulated me (me, a prime target for grooming) simply to protect himself,
I know and I understand that you don't really love me, don't care and are not nearly as brilliant as I thought. Or maybe you are but much more diabolical, manipulative and clever in your charisma than anyone else knows or dares to see and for that I am truly a threat. If I can see through you than others might too and your games will come to a disastrous end... I understand this about you but do you understand about me how very easily all of this could have been avoided if only you had been real and honest with me, if only you had not lost objectivity and/or stopped the manipulative games. I could have and would have forgiven quite quickly -I already had, so many times over.
I could have even helped you...; Although now I see how that could have been even more disastrous. Me helping you, believing in you and loving you the way that I did, would have helped you to be an even more convincing con artist as I would have pointed out the holes and the flaws that you made misunderstanding the me that I was. With my help you would have then been completely undetectable, unstoppable, and indestructible in whatever games you wanted to play with the unsuspecting, broken women that trust and love you in your position of power. Considering how this whole deal has been handled and what I have been made into by you and your facility, I see that this may be a very real possibility when prior I thought it might simply be the product of my manic broken mind.
And it saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me because of the power you have and the responsibility and accountability that you and your institution entirely refuse when you know you were being quite reckless and you know that you have the upper hand in just about every way.
It is no wonder I wake up tired and I am annoyed with myself for still feeling the feelings I do and still wanting to believe in you and your dishonest institution.
Dear Careless therapist this is now why I want to go into your field, so I can stop abuses like this and people like you, or at least bring to light the harm your kind can and does cause when how "countertransference" is handled is so abusive and unnecessary.
Sincerely,
Erica Vellinga Saxton
I do not hide nor will I, because I have nothing to hide nor should I be ashamed or shamed by others. And because I openly invite conversation from anyone about you and this topic.

-tired head poetry

At the end of my journey. I care to think.
But it seems never ending because of the shrink
ing of my brain
that really has happened.
Evidence proven on the MRI although I knew all along
but still wanted to deny.
Because then I don't have to think
about snowboarding and riding
motorcycles
or other cycles
across treacherous terrain.
And I can just keep pretending, just like everyone else,
that I really am just fine.
Miraculously recovered because neurologist 1, Dr. Church, who killed himself by-the-way, did say he was very pleased with how my young self was doing.
That was enough. Satisfied the parents. No need for anything else.
...then hit again.
Still intelligent when the
"One smart cookie" I was
 said, "you should have seen me before."
because I was more.
more brain power and size
not shrunk from broadside
hit of the airbag that deployed all of its forces to "protect" my face...
"protectors" now all the deflectors of my care
protecting turned into betray.
Trust who I must
turned into dust
and I am left grabbing at thin air.
Which just isn't fair.
so unaware
of how harmful their games really are?
But they know. evidence in just how far they will go
to cover the freak show they carelessly continue to grow.
My head is tired. Tired of spinning and trying to sort all the pieces of
the culminating event. the yin and the yang, the messages playing out just as clear as the days they belonged to.
I don't understand the carelessness of that man and it breaks me again and again. I want him to be gone and my brain to be sane entirely again. but the sane and insane to contain will always remain because the feign of the trained was entirely too much for my broken brain that wanted to believe the feign and the game.
Untangle the tangles that you are not allowed to touch... Sort out with the sorts that are out.
Its not fair
and so unaware
of just how vulnerable you are
when you are hit by a car
and then people will take things too far
while defensively claiming you are,
At a time and in a place where all will agree
that blaming the client shan't be.
Countertransference implied
and then denied
Why does he hide
with no explanation or apology for the now implied misunderstanding?
So bizarre
the cancer you are
to my head
you are determined
to have dead.
"not I," said the kitten
when the big red rooster asked "who will help me let it burn out?"
...but "not I" is a lie because I did at least try
but I just could not help me die.
Even when God says
I maybe should try
to be all that is asked by this guy.
...that I know has talent and skill for the mentally ill that are that way due to TBI...
...But I will not try! thanks to Jesus man guy from the institution of younger years
And I will not try because I would rather not die
and I would rather like to believe
in the way we can change the world for the better by helping each other,
and sharing our truths no matter how hard it may be and
the reality of the ostracizing and stigmatizing that must be faced in order to be the change I must be to help proceed with the change I wish to see in this world.

To be or not to be? Die for a cause or live for change?
that is the real question 
And still I know the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality
and maybe, just maybe, that is really who/what needs to die
the fantasy of that guy
and the amassed amount or manic emotions and memories
But he will not let the fantasy die, no matter how hard I try
the fantasy won't die
because reality is absent
...because very well I present?
when I am presenting.
Maybe he still wants the fantasy to cling to-
better I die than the imaginary, the presentation of my flattery,
And the pride inside
of the egos' held by "the best"

Untangling the Mirror Neurons

So I decided after the last debacle of an appointment I didn't care that the place I wanted to go to first and all along does not take my insurance, I was going to their neurologist because at very least the communication with my psychiatric PA would be easy since they are run through the same university medical system.
Now I embrace my TBIness and jump-a kind of "kersplat-splat" communicating as my dear friend Renée calls it.
-Mirror Neurons
I think that TBI magnifies those a bit.
I think that TBI makes us a bit more childlike
I think that TBI is actually what made me an effective and talented elementary school educator.
I kind of understand better how their little brains are working and processing.
I get that when our little kiddos repeat something it does not mean they understand it, or at least not completely yet. It means they are processing and trying to learn. It means they have or might be picking up on some portion of the concept and they are hopefully making progress towards a more complete understanding. I would utilize this as a teacher and use it as a tool in the reverse. I would have kids repeat things to try and help it stick. I would ask them to repeat back in their own words. I would have them repeat to a friend or try to teach the concept to each other. I would listen to how they repeated and ask clarifying questions to make sure I really understood where they were at in their learning. Now I can't take full credit for these teaching strategies because I also learned them in my teacher training college courses, but I can say most teachers I know and have worked with don't quite understand the significance and mechanisms of how and why these strategies worked. Many teachers did not utilize them fully or very often. My TBI also helped me understand that there is usually more then one way to do things. This understanding is also highly useful in working with children. It is important for them to learn if we actually want them to become creative problem solvers and not just rote conformist robots.
Here is my theory: A TBI works something similar to a child's brain because a child's brain is still firing all over the place and, as their brains develop and learn, their little brains find the fastest most efficient routes in processing and preforming different tasks. Kids' brains are working to develop the super highways of processing that adults have developed so solidly. Adult brains have learned to work so efficiently, taking those same neuro-pathways, that we know a whole lot about what area of the brain is is working and responsible for certain tasks. Adult neuro-pathways are so established and so efficient at the job they do that it can become extremely difficult for people to think outside the boxes that they were wired and trained in.
But the TBI brain has had to learn neuroplasticity. When one part is injured that is best suited for that task our brains do their very best to find a different way. So in that way, our brains can function a bit more like a child's developing brain.
And that is not always bad thing.
But it is terribly misunderstood.
Even by the professionals within the industry. Which is why they really should listen to us in more respectable ways. We are not stupid, in fact on the contrary, our brilliant broken brains can make connections that non-broken brains don't even remember exist. Sometimes at hyper speeds.
Mirror neurons are another beautifully brilliant tool we have... that sometimes causes problems, as we sometimes are not fully aware of, why, how and how much we are mirroring. We can also become easily sidetracked and forget where it is we were really trying to go. This can be good for those around us if they understand it, but it can also lead to easy abuses of us. We can be redirected fairly easily but the emotions of the other person. I believe this was happening to some degree with neurologist Dr. Untangle as her preconceived notion frustration or her misunderstanding me impatience definitely took me off track.
This happened very definitely with that one guy, Dr. P-Dr. He-Dr. Jackass or what ever I call him these days- I was easily derailed from what I was desperately trying to show him and the subject that I knew needed to be addressed, the very reason I was saying, "I can't loose you right now,"  because I was reacting too extreme, there was something more going on with my head, and I was, in fact, manic... But mirror neurons really liked that man, and went easily off track with him.
And TBI is likely why. But I had been misdiagnosed, it was being called a concussion, which is not small thing, but is not the same as a permeant, visible on MRI, damage causing TBI.
I can explain that too.
But mostly, if it had been recognized for what it was in the first place by the first doctor, I would not have been fired from the school I worked at, at least not the way I was, and many things would have been handled very differently, possibly even how I was handled by Dr. Jackass Perri. Sorry, Dr. Jackass, that you have progressed to that identifying tag, but I am sure you understand why and YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE IT... which actually brings me to another not-so-negative thing about us TBI'ers- I can call you that and mean it but also still love you and easily forgive with a willingness and ability to move past it for the good of all involved. We don't hold grudges the way others do. Maybe not at all. Sometimes maybe we should. I digress, but we have been broken open and we know and understand very well: human foibles, that people actually can learn and change, and that people are not as bad as the mistakes they make.
Your welcome. Also, we are either not as, or more, smart ass then we can come off... but we are definitely not as arrogant as we can seem. And these things make me laugh,  maybe in my broken brain-laugh at inappropriate times- kind of way. And maybe only I and my broken brain friend Renée actually get my sense of humor, but that's okay with me.
And I just have to add one more thing about those mirror neurons we TBIers are extra sensitive to, If you think we are being a jackass or stupid it probably has more to do with those mirror neurons reflecting back you back.

Your therapist: The scariest person you will ever meet

Dr. She is now officially the scariest person in the world to me.
And here is why:
Fortunately for me, my husband recorded the appointment that went so badly with Dr. Neurologist. Feeling hopeless and alone again I sent an email to Dr. She and asked her if she would listen and help me process it. Please help me understand what I am doing wrong. Help me "untangle" all of this.
Dr. She responded very quickly saying she would, moving my appointment up and telling me it's okay and that I don't have to figure this out alone.
I don't have to try to figure this out alone...
"that's good says my husband"
and it is... but she is the only person who has said this to me.
This is why we get attached to therapists.

We need help and we need people to care enough to help us figure out the hard stuff
but too many of us don't have that
add the depth and complexity of all that makes me me, TBI, intelligence, concern for others, ...bipolar...
and not many people are willing to say that
far less mean it for longer than a day.
But honestly, I think that is the first time in my life, ever, that someone has said this to me...
Except maybe my one friend who has tried to be there through this. She has said I don't have to go through this alone. That is so very nice too.
It is nice to know you are not completely alone when you are so very alone.
But Dr She is a paid for service. and I don't know how long she will really stick around... and now she is the scariest person in the world to me
because I need her so very much...
Just like how I so desperately needed Dr. He and his expertise... when he needed me to be
Nothing
It's scary.
This is very, very scary.

Miss Under Stood here -present... wait, what was the question again?

New Neurologist.
I was hopeful. I had decided I like her. I gave her lots of credit....
I should know better than to do that by now.
Basically, I can't start climbing the mountain of dealing with my TBI until I untangle the mess that was made of me by the Neuroscience Institute.
That seems to be her prognosis.
But then when I ask questions because I need clarification and because I AM trying to untangle that mess she tells me there is no organization to my thoughts and that I am talking in circles.
But then she has the dates wrong about when the MRI was done in relations to the accident.
And she took the first 14 minutes to explain, in circles, that it is not her policy that I cannot record our appointment and that she is not even sure why that is a rule and she didn't think to ask, but she is basically on the same page as me, and it is not her policy, and she probably should have asked.... and around and around for a good 10-15 minutes...
So am I really talking in circles or is this a bias and a stigma, that goes along with the location of the TBI damage? She suggests it is.
And I ask for clarification on this, but it is to tangled with the other stuff, for her to be able to clarify, I guess...
And then I am talking in circles again... when I thought I was rephrasing my question...
and around and around it goes,
she can only address the tremor and monitor, but she has no answers
because she didn't know me before and it is too entangled...
and I have to untangle it, which is what I am trying to do,
and she has not even explained encephalomalcia with gliosis or why the other neurologist was worried about seizures...
She is confused by some of the questions I ask for clarification on, things that concussion doctor had told me. She is concerned about how I was treated and wonders if she needs to report things but because I have hired a lawyer (who, at this point, is clearly not doing anything) and I have talked about reporting -which hasn't happened because I have been waiting on the lawyer who clearly isn't doing anything; and I tried to explain that too but she was too glad to feel that she did not need to report, she says she will and has no problem with doing that, but again she thinks it's already being handled.
Oh what an unmanageable mess this is turning out to be. She does not seem to understand that we need to start at zero with my understanding of the TBI since it was obviously misdiagnosed. She at least confirmed that, that the damage that I have would not have been from a mTBI, aka concussion, but rather from a full blown TBI.
sigh...
At least that.
And my head is hopeless and tired again. and what the hell does it all mean??
TBI is irreversible I can just learn to accommodate, not heal, like Dr. Concussion said was possible at the end when she was telling me there was a good chance my TBI's would not even show up on MRI, I think that was clarified. Does location of injury effect mood stability? She seemed to be saying it does but my attempts for clarification on that were again, misunderstood...
My husband can't explain what I was not getting but he is still mad at me for not getting it...except "I'm not mad" he growls ... And around and around it goes... when it stops no one knows.
loops and holes and the growing noses.
Oh, So that's why their noses were so big! At least some clarification there. At least that. But man, the confusion in trying to treat and even work with me because I am still trying to get clarification on what the hell happened to my head from those who can't answer because they "weren't the ones treating me at that time" and the the medical records received are quite convoluted and defamatory.
Yes, misdiagnosis, "defensive medicine," and false allegations and accusations to cover are a problem.
sigh and bye

Discriminating taste

I have to confess something, something that catches me by surprise occasionally and frustrates me about me.
I hate being stereotyped and stigmatized. I hate being discriminated against for my ailments. I hate feeling the subtle and not so subtle changes in attitudes and perceptions that some people manifest when they find out that you have a "mental illness" or mental health related issues.
I hate it so very much and it is especially difficult when you have the intelligence to know how you are flawed and the intelligence to pick up on the discrimination, ostracizing, stigmatizing etc.
But the confession... I do the same thing.
I am prejudice against my own disorders, against my kind.
...And I don't like being lumped into the same category as those people.
I know a few people who have bipolar and I don't like some things about them that I know are directly related to the illness they have. I wonder if I am a bad person for feeling these things and even wonder why I feel these things. I am scared of them myself half the time. Or am I disappointed? Disappointed with how they handle or how I do? Or am I disappointed that even with them I can still offend and not fit in?
I wonder if this is normal for all of us that have these problems?
But I also sincerely wonder if maybe I really do not belong in the same category because mine seems to be directly linked to TBI. I wonder if a strictly biological bipolar may be different than a TBI bipolar?
Manic, I fit the definition of. I was manic. But I did not loose touch completely and I was composed well enough to hide it. Or had I just conditioned and trained myself well enough? and that is why I feel some annoyance and frustration with others?
But I also think there is some association to the level of breaking and the age of the breaking. As I have said, prior to this, I think I had not gone much above hypomanic. And I am much older, with much more experience under my belt... I have also chosen to distance myself from those things that can be triggers. I don't embrace a trigger so easily. I'd rather not be in that consent battle. It is something people in my family and many of my local cultures and subcultures really do not understand. It is why I am not so stalwart and involved in the church that I was raised in. Spirituality and religion can be very slippery slopes for a delicately balanced brain... I have found more peace and stability with some distance and yet that makes people very uncomfortable. But my overly spiritual and scriptural associates that have similar issues I feel pain and embarrassment for... and I find myself feeling my own discriminating feelings...
Maybe I am projecting my own insecurities onto them? Maybe it is a fear of what I may actually be or come to be?
My mind and heart want to figure this out and be at peace with them and me. Be at peace with my association.
And yet, I don't really want to think about it right now at all. I just want to be a fun mom again. And I want to have friends again. But I also do not want to be that me again. I want to be more free and more accepting of all that I am. I want to love my perfectly imperfect.
...and truthfully, I want to feel loved, valued and accepted.
I suppose I have some work to do still.
And who is still actually reading this anyway? And why?
Check in now and again if you don't mind. I'd love your feedback

If you want to pull the wool you might destroy the sweater.

"It is all three, isn't it?"

I still talk to that place in my heart that he allowed me to keep him. 

Allowed

there just may be more to that than you (my blog audience) know.

I have tried to kick him out of my heart but he knew how to root himself deep and I was so broken that at times those roots that broke me were somehow the only thing holding me together. It is a strang place that no rational and fully stable person can ever really understand. 

... and I will be made out to be crazy for the things I am not crazy for 

Even after and when they deny the crazy that I was...

November 12, 2018

I made a mistake. I talked about my husband. I explained how what we (Dr. P and I) had been working on had helped me in my relationship with my husband. 

He was not happy about this. He changed on me. The spark in his eyes was gone. He was cold and distant. 

One of two possibilities: 

He had developed feelings and caught him off guard 

Or

It confirmed I was non-compliant with his efforts to subtly turn me into his own personal toy

Either way, he was done with me.

But with a strange plea of "don't disappear on me completely"

to which I pointed out "you are breaking up with me and I am not happy about it"

Then he, "unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."

and later, "I told you not to try and solve this." 

I was not compliant again. 

and he was scared. 

I could see it in his face. I could see it in the paleness and the picked off scabs of a stress break out. I could hear it in his replies, implied but neither confirmed nor denied. Rehearsed or influenced by some of the same articles I had found and read about transference and countertransference? 

I could hear it in his struggle to regain the balance of power.

I could hear it in his over compensating when he looked me straight in the eye and declared, "I am not scared of you." said the way every person does when they have decided to confront their fear and have to lie to themselves until they start to believe their lie. 

I could hear it is his chastising, "that's not funny," when I laughed about the insanity of a bipolar personal contact that once, while in a manic state, believed one companion to be God and the other to be the devil. 

I could hear it in his direct, loud and firm command to "stop emailing me" and in his back peddling softened reply of "they are too deep and they can get me into trouble" when I reacted in a way he may not have expected -a way that suggested I have dealt with that kind of forcefulness plenty and I may not be so inclined to respond the way he'd hoped since I knew those types of bold threatening tactics too well. 

I could hear it especially loud and clear in his final statement, "so we can agree to a clean break?"

And yet, still he could not resist testing those boundaries, checking to see if maybe I might be more compliant or more interested, and maybe just maybe, after the confessions of the depth and complexity to my transference and the the suggestion of mania, maybe just maybe, he hoped that I might manifest those with the paradoxically desired but condemned sexual advance by the patient.
I could see these.
I picked up on this.
As childish and naive as I was in those moments of managed manic magnificence I picked up on the manipulations in his playfulness,  the moments when he forgot he was scared, and could not resit playing with the child that I was, mistaking me for an adult themed toy. Tempting. It was far too tempting

and it worked to his advantage (it always does, he knows these games well and plays them regularly, I have seen it more than with just me) 

Control, he regained by playing, turning me into a game again.  Because I trusted and loved. 

But my instinct was awake and bold. It took liberties and spoke for me at times, long before I knew what I meant. 

And my will to survive, my fight and flight responses heightened by the risks and threats that the mania was immune to, they picked up on so many things. My heightened senses and rapid processing working at superhuman levels picked up on every subtlety, nuance, inflection, movement, energy... the entirety of the situation would replay in my brain for months and months to follow, not missing anything in my brains quest to solve what was happening to itself and why. The mysteries had to be solved. His "I'm okay with being wrong" was not okay in his misdiagnosis. 

Was the missing of the mania intentional? Did he break me? Or was I already broken and breaking? Had he developed feelings of reciprocated magnitude and intensity or was it the mania (that he had overlooked) suggesting this to my desperately-trying-to-settle brain? ...Or was he really and truly a diabolical grooming therapist that dropped me when he saw that I was not compliant and I broke because of it? Did I break because, even though I was not physically compliant, the grooming had worked on an emotional level and suddenly grieving the loss of him was too much for the physiology of my brain since it was coinciding with  PTS (post traumatic stress), TBI realities, and a flooding of returning memories?  

"I told you not to try and solve this"

"I don't need more friends"

"I don't believe in forever anymore"

"my life is very complex right now"

"I could lose my license because of you"

"...I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy."

"I would have to agree to it"

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"

"why? are you a stalker?"

"what we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up." (really, who says that?)

"I connect easily with people"

"I am okay with being wrong"

"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same"

... And I feel like, in his cryptic way, he may have been trying to warn me, that he would do whatever he had to, to hide and cover anything that would reveal who he really was and what he really was up to... or was it just that he would cover anything that could potentially threaten his livelihood...

I would love for clarification- I am not afraid of the conversation and I am not the one hiding or trying to hide the truth.

But... I will repeat, the best liars hide their lies in the truth. 

Which makes me think

"It is all three, isn't it"

Grooming, countertransference and the breaking of me and then denying it (mania). ... maybe it is more like 4 or 5 things, 4 and 5 being a whole lot of mischief. 

"You only see what I allow you to see" 

Oh, but I see so much more and I see through you- And he knows it. He makes the command in hopes that his statement will pull the wool curtain over my manic heightened perceptiveness. 

Parenting after Mania and the Psychology of role reversals

What is most bothersome to me right now is how this wild ride has affected my kids and my ability to parent them...

It has been so hard on them. To watch their mom first break and become emotionally unstable, tired, foggy, forgetful, etc from a car accident and the PTSD* that followed then to watch her break a thousand times worse from a therapist.
...

"It is not normal for people to fall in love with their therapists," my son expresses to me about a month ago when I am trying to get to the bottom of what is really going on with him. Why he is failing all of his classes, impossible to get out of bed in the morning and other things...

Chastise me if you want, for not keeping this hidden from my children, but when you break as big as I did, it is handled the way that it was by the providers that should be helping you, you are as openly honest about things as I am, and it lasts as long as it did, things like that will not stay hidden from your teen kids or anyone. And it might also be worth noting that the area of my brain that is specifically built for keeping things in is actually broken and the space for this kind of storage is now smaller which means I can retain and refrain less... I wonder if that has also contributed. 

But I also think it likely could have been even worse if I had kept it hidden. 

I think this because I know what I was experiencing and it was hard to keep from blowing up completely even with letting out some of the steam as it built. But I also say this because I know of too many people on both the parent and child side that have experienced a lot of emotional distress from keeping hidden what was really going on. Often they are referred to as "skeletons in the closet" or "swept under the rug" and from what I have witnessed hiding the truths and realities is not constructive or healthy and often leads to far worse as people bury more and more, and hide the truly heinous acts that are happening. Unwillingness to face and talk about issues has not ever proven constructive or healthy to me.

AND besides all that, that is exactly what they Neuroscience Institute was doing with me, why on earth would I then repeat the same neglect and abuse with my children? 

They had lost there mom. I may have been physically present but I was too often lost in the madness and unavailable because of how hard I had to work simply to stay ahead of the death sentence I was given. 

They deserved to know and they deserved to know why. 

It has been so hard on them. 

And still they are such amazing kids and so much more compassionate, understanding and even practical than the adults and professionals that were supposed to be. 

When my son said this, what do I say?

Caught off guard and heart broken for him I was not sure how to respond, but two things I remember doing. I explained that it actually is normal for people to fall in love with their therapists and it is very common. What is not normal is their therapist falling in love with them or implying that they had and then dropping them and refusing to ever have anything to do with them...that and I apologized, because I am sorry for all that has happened and for how hard it has been on him. To which he replies, "It's okay, I know it's not your fault." And I try to make sure, I hope and I pray, he is not now burdening himself with guilt for his feelings and frustrations. He is entitled to them and they are not unjustified. But his loving forgiveness and understanding, regardless of his pain, lets know how lucky I am.  

He and my daughter have both said this to me, more than once... They are such sweet, good kids. And I am grateful that even though they have frustrations with me, and they have this pain and cross to bare, they know when things have been very much out of my control and they were stalwart and strong when I was so very broken. They carried me so many times.

I love and am so grateful for them.

But there is a flip side to that coin; this type of role reversal (even though it was not a complete role reversal) makes it very difficult to return to more normal parenting and having parental expectations. 

It is confusing and hard for all of us -the psychology of it I don't want to delve into right now because it exhausts my brain. But I do know that it is another way that I now feel incredibly insecure. I almost feel like I no longer have the right to parent them...

...At a times when they are unravelling and when the fall apart some themselves because of this, as I improve and become more stable. 

* note: The PTSD that followed was linked to a TBI I was hospitalized for at age 12 -this put me reprocessing from both an adult and childlike state.
** this article is being published with my son and daughters permission. When I asked them if they think it has been a good or bad thing that I have been as open and honest with them about this as I have my daughter plainly and confidently says, "I think it has been good" while my son points out that he thinks it has "probably" been good because, "you know that I hear things that I am not supposed to hear and don't hear things that I am supposed to hear. So if you had tried to keep it hidden I probably would know even more about it but it would be a very different version." He would  not have really understood or had a clear picture of what was going on in addition to feeling like he could not talk about it. 

My mania is not angry

I choose this photo for the background because TP and human waste in wilderness area's angers me. My choice in response is to try to help educate people. Please pack out your TP and crap. 

Somethings are very hard to explain. Somethings are not so hard to explain but are nearly impossible for others to understand if they have never experienced it for themselves. 

Mania is both of those. 

My sister said something about my manic anger being the drive in pursuing action against the Neuroscience Institute... 

This made me angry.

Because it was much more likely that rational anger is what was actually preserving my life. 

The mania had me going back and trusting them when it was clear I could not and should not.

It was my mania that trusted them when they said it was not mania. Mania does not want to be seen for what it is. It wants to be your superhero, superpowers, and connection to God or higher powers, or, at times, it may even want to be the higher power itself. And it (mania) can be very convincing. 

My mania was sweet, happy, powerful, perceptive, and far too loving and forgiving. 

My mania kept trying to convince me that my heart now belonged to the therapist that broke me. That I belonged to the therapist that broke me. 

My mania recognized that I needed to be sacrificed for the man who loved me too much to have anything to do with me.

My mania, understanding that I had been there for me, knew that "it" was me and it wanted me to obey his suggestion of letting me burn out for him. ... the him who I now belonged to... the him that I knew I could not loose right then. The him that I tried to show the mania to but would not accept it as that. The him who need me gone...completely. 

Was it me or my mania that saw the yin and yang in his office and knew I was there to balance something out for him? Was it my mania that felt a power struggle?  

When I heard the inflection and noticed the light in his eyes spark when he asked "why, are you a stalker?" I knew that it was an epiphany- a way out for him. But I think it was my mania that believed it was a suggested way to reconnect after he "terminated" the professional side of things. 

Even when the evidence was showing that it had been an epiphany becuase he was clearly trying to make me out to be a stalker, my mania still held onto it's belief and even felt fed my his actions and denials, thinking it evidence that I was messing up by trying to go the more logical, appropriate and ethical routes that the Institute, he, and the rules that be, told me I should go. 

Mania made a mess for me in pursuing the "right" course of action.

And their denials of it simply fed it and I was progressively loosing me.

BUT fortunately for me, you can not gaslight what is already lit up so their dishonest gaslighting games and set ups were obvious to both my manic and not manic brain. 

This is both hard and easy to explain, but I'd say most people really don't get it... It is so easy to say, "just do this," or "just do that," and "it's really not such a big deal." 

But

Mania IS a BIG DEAL

It is a MAJOR BIG FUCKING DEAL

...and as much as I don't really want to use it, the F word is appropriate here because that is exactly what mania does. It rapes you, repeatedly, of your logic and rational thinking. It unlawfully warps your knowledge and turns you into a carnal creature that just can't get enough...

But most baffling to me is the calming drug like effect that man had on me... 

So Anger, as I have memed, is not a "bad" thing. It is not the emotion that had hurt me through this and is causing harm, rather anger may very well have been what pulled me out and saved me from the game playing and gaslighting of me by that man and his institution.

And here is a theory:

Maybe TBI survivors often struggle with anger after their TBI because anger is what pulled them through? 

Maybe we need to embrace our anger, see it for what it is, utilize it for what it is, and us it to help pull us through. It is not anger that is "good" or "bad" but rather it is how we choose to respond and what we choose to do with it. I believe all emotions are like that. 

...and because of mania, I have learned that happy, just like anger, can be deceptive and can also lead to "bad" things or "bad" choices. 

A Bursting Nut Shell? (maybe it is a manic nut)

1. Many people just can't seem to wrap their head around the difference between a LCSW and a doctor of neuropsychology. If you have been to a neuropsychologist that knows what they are doing, you will know easily that there is a big difference. A neuropsychologist really is most appropriate for diagnosable illnesses, complex cases, and head injuries. They know the medical and physiological stuff as well as what is realistic to expect from a person with certain conditions. They know how to help you understand what is physiologically and psychologically going on with your head. Sometimes so well that you wonder if they have the same condition (Dr. She is that good).

2. I am tired of feeling silenced and powerless to do anything. I am disgusted more now than I was before when I try to organize the evidence of malpractice that is my burden to prove if I expect any of the many wrongs of the Neuroscience Institute to be righted. Wrongs that effect insurance settlement, impressions of me, treatment options, and opportunities within the industry that I belong in. Wrongs that are dangerous to practice, and wrongs that were harmful to both me and my family. Wrongs that will for ever scar me and may have actually contributed to some of the physical harm that has befallen my head (bipolar, encephalomalacia with gliosis, and seizures)...

3. As I tire of waiting in silence for lawyers that are not filling me in, as I wait too long knowing that these very bad practices have not been addressed and are likely still going on, and since I want to move on but do not feel okay with turning a blind eye, I find my conscience increasingly burdened as I know the "right" thing is not the easy thing and I believe I need to be more publicly vocal about this.
But it is very hard to explain in a short and concise way that warns people of the dangers...

4. Now lets see if I can explain in a super condensed nut shell what happened with the Neuroscience Institute, people like to hear the story of it and get easily caught up in the drama of transference and countertransference but they fail to comprehend or believe the malpractice part of it.  They will happily use the very reason misdiagnosis was such a big deal to justify their disbelief of the shear insanity of what really did happened and how I really was mistreated.
My situation was not just a problem with a therapist who was offering "counseling services,"
The problem was that:
I was first under diagnosed by my TBI doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for TBI and auto accident related injuries.
I had a neuropsychologist who broke me when he either lost objectivity due to countertransference (something he had strongly implied, but later denied) or because he was grooming and I had not responded they way he had wanted me to.
Trusting him completely, loving him, and not knowing what was really going on with him or my head I found myself in an even bigger mess when he completely missed or intentionally misdiagnosed me, ignoring the mania I was experiencing, to cover his indiscretions and boundary violations.
... crap right out of a movie, to hard to explain here...
 ...then I was mistreated for trying to address this with them, without getting anyone into trouble, and for asking for clarification. They would not allow for any conversation about what had happened and the unplanned outcome of my condition. I was put through a bogus investigation with the Patient Experiences and greatly misrepresented by my "patient advocate" who did not stop the investigation when I realized and told her I did not want understand the point of the investigation and did not want it to continue until I did. This was after she told me it was not likely to help me "but it would help other patients." I also told her I was afraid they would use it to reinforce the bad policies that had and were hurting me since I was never even granted a conversation with her in person or the person leading the investigation at all. ...again more movie like drama with things being said on the phone but not reported in any of their documents... and the director I was not allowed to talk to and would they would never name decided the misdiagnosis was accurate based solely on the fact that the man in question had said so, despite the other evidence, some of which they acknowledged in the report and after they refused to even read/include my side of the story that I had insisted they included if they were going to proceed with the investigation. The patient advocate stated that the director had said it would not have made a difference on his decision. In addition to denying transference and mania (the misdiagnosis of my condition), the report also included their declaration of there had not been any kind of "inappropriate relationship" and proceeded to explain their justification for that when, at that point, I was still being stupidly protective of said therapist (something he manipulated me to be) and had insisted myself that there had not been and that I did not want the investigation to be about that.  (I was naive and I was processing things from a strange psychological place of both an adult and a child due to the PTSD and flooding of memories I was experiencing at that same  time so I did not realize the inappropriateness of it or why said therapist said he could "loose his license because of you [me]")
After speaking with the therapist my doctor then feigned care when she was actually denying me proper medical care and referrals because (or at least the evidence suggest) they thought, or they wanted it to make it appear, that I was simply there pursuing the therapist that had now officially terminated me.
-more movie like insanity including the office director that yelled at me in front of my kids and denied me my records and a copy of the patient rights- no wait this was before the investigation- Just drama from the office staff and assistants and my doctor refusing to refer properly but trying to get me to leave.
After months of progressively fading into the insanity of my denied and underrated condition, I finally left, still loving and trusting all of them and thinking they would come to their senses and stop treating my like a liability when I was not. I finally realized I could not keep coming back.  (except the office director and the unnamed director, I did not love them at all and due to my compromised mental state I though they must be the real enemy that my doctors were so afraid of)
... More drama, appeal denied, gaslighting, and "terminated" from the entire facility for the very conditions and problems I had tried to talk with them about that they were denying.
...In a fight for my life and left alone to try and find appropriate help after my doctor had told me she would help me find a new team but then had her staff tell me she could not so go through my insurance...
..more drama... I am literally fighting to stay ahead of the voices that say I need to be sacrificed for him and them, that I am dying and need to die.
In the nick of time I find a new provider that right away see my deteriorating condition that was misdiagnosed and gets me appropriate care. As I am starting to improve I knew I had to report them but still wanted to believe in the institution and providers so made every reasonable effort to reconcile, allow for clarification, and to seek understanding, which resulted in my being threatened by a lawyer with harsh false allegations and threats to criminalize and penalize me if I did not stay quiet about all of this.
...There is just no short way to explain this... and all my attempts fall short so very short...

The good news

This here blog is loosing interest again. But I also don't solicit it much, and the spinning eddies my brain has gotten stuck in, I am sure, get old and boring for others which is fine by me.
And that is exactly what I want to share today -the fine by me-ness of how I am feeling lately and, as my beautiful friend Renée would say, "the good news."
I am so incredibly grateful for the stability of mind and chemistry I have been feeling lately and pray that it continues. I am so incredibly happy with the improvement and that I am continuing to improve in my mood stability and even confidence.
I have been able to write about being broken by a therapist and then punished for it by the institution that fosters him, and the reality of my loss of touch with reality, and it has not caused the ptsd style symptoms that I have previously experienced. My skin is getting thicker and where before I would have been so worried about offending people and being misunderstood now I just don't care and can say confidently "it's on them" when someone is acting like a jerk.
I feel like I am coming back, finding myself and developing who I am again.
This is so nice.
But the nicest is that I am feeling happy, excited about things, and confident but not high. I don't feel like I am going high again...
Oh my gosh it has been so long!
...so long that as I write and allow myself to savor and enjoy this joy I do start to feel a bit leery of it and I remember it is time to take those meds that will keep this enthusiasm in check.
It is a strange existence that I have but I am so very grateful for it because it makes boring and normal so much more enjoyable!!
aaah
 I just wanted to share. I hope that I can keep this momentum and help others find it too.
And I think it is also worth noting that I have felt more love and support lately. Also I have a new medical and psychological team that is working with me and for me. These things make such a big a difference.

And we don't fight...hiding in plain sight

I'm doing really well. I am so glad that this is true and becoming more true every day.
And yet I am still very timid when it comes to putting myself out there
And when it comes to fighting that battle that I know more and more needs to be fought
but that, ironically, I also want to fight less and less as I improve..
It is mildly disturbing because I know that they know this about folks like me.
I know that they know we have little energy and little support to fight.
Plus they easily can paint you into a corner which they have done with me.
People won't listen because you are "crazy" and they are the experts who get to decide what form of crazy you are.
It is, of course, not them, it is never them, it is you
And that is crazy
and very sad...
So very very sad
so ...very ....very... sad
how I was used and then abused so very easily because I have had TBI,  mania (bipolar) and PTSD...
It is so very sad that they very people who should have been helping and protecting me used these things against me as justification for, or to cover, their misconduct.
It is very sad how people who can make a difference, who do have a voice fear aligning themselves with me because of the power and influence of the Institution that "ethically" discarded me for no good reason at all.
It is so sad that my talents and what I have accomplished are wasted and disregarded because they could not see me for what I am, because they fear that my knowledge and power threatens them and their's... Because they cannot see that I wish to work with them and not against them.
It is so very sad and my heart is so very broken by this even when I am well.
I see why I have hidden myself and why I run away from relationships and occupations before they abandon me. I see why TBI survivors and people with medical mental health issues hide, self isolate. We are abandoned and isolated, discredited, dismissed and dehumanized by those we are supposed to be able to trust and by the "experts" thus it becomes safer and less painful to hide and self isolate
I still feel safe sleeping and hiding.
I can also attest, for my own experiences and those of others, that some of our suicidal thinking is very much an inward reflection of an outward societal and cultural problem; it is a symptom of unhealthy societal perceptions and treatments of people who have mental health conditions. So we become like these:

Tiny little beauties hiding in plain sight. 

New Starts

Three for three.
I love my new team!
Maybe I need to be careful not to be too excited about the new neurologist, but my husband and I were both quite pleased with her after my first appointment with her yesterday.
This is the second neurologist, the first was not the right fit, but they had told me from the start that he did not deal with head injuries. However, since he would see me for the tremors and I could get into him and get some testing done before the end of the calendar year in which we had already met our out of pocket max, it was worth getting into him.
This definitely seemed to prove true since the testing provided the new neurologist with important information right off the bat. She saw right away how my TBI's contributed to the mess of discernment I was in with the Neuroscience Institute. She understood how it would have/could have effected things and she understood how vulnerable I was and even still am considering "all that you have been through."
Huge sigh of relief.
I feel as if I can stop holding my breath so much and burdens are again feeling lifted. I am starting to really feel liberated from the artificial (and manic fed) connections.
I can do this.
Knowledge is power and so is appropriate diagnosis and medical care.
Thank you to my new providers who are actually concerned about my health and safety.
While I am feeling more renewed and positive I know for many people times are strange and scary with all this Coronavirus stuff so this is my reminder that there is still so much to look forward to and here are pictures to celebrate looking forward to new starts and new horizons. 💝

Eddies of Disproportionate Sizes

....I'm just not brave anymore...
I am just not finding the courage to keep putting myself out there.
...
I want to be brave
I tell myself that I am
that I can do it
that it does not matter, the criticism and/or if it has the impact I want it to or not, as longing as I am making an effort to have a positive impact on the world...
but I just cannot bring myself to put myself out there.
I think more than anything I am tired of feeling the sting of rejection from those that I value.
It may be, as Dr. She has pointed out, that I have surrounded myself with people that see me as second class, and/or people I have made myself second a class citizen to, and people that confirm the negative core beliefs I have about myself and therefore I am doomed to failure because my social support system is not actually a support system at all but rather the opposite, a group of look-at-me-ers, that rely on my sidekick status to make themselves shine... SO they cannot and will not support if their is a threat of me, the second class, outshining them...
and as I am writing out my lack of bravery, I am seeing this and that is sadly true of many people I have loved and valued highly...
Not all, but a damaging amount...
which makes it even harder to combat with the bravery of putting myself out there when I know my message will only spread with the help a network...
...I suppose it is really not surprising that I am not brave... but it is annoying to me.
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
So maybe I start here, on my insignificant blog that is also fading into obsoleteness for the very same reasons...
Processing my apprehension with:
TNT
PP Packs
and Crapsules
Teens Need Travel was a project we had started prior to the car accident that messed my head up and broke my brain even more than it was. The ultimate goal of TNT was to create a nonprofit organization that would be for teens and run by teens. An organization that would help them fund their own travel experience through community oriented fundraising. It was a big idea that covered a whole lot of needs for teens that are all too often overlooked. Teens are often undervalued and not given opportunities to actually work for and toward a goal that is focused on developing themselves. Developmentally teens need to be focused on themselves and developing themselves but many of the organizations and extracurriculars that are set up to supposedly help with this, focus too much on massively overwhelming or for show humanitarian efforts that are often not developmentally appropriate (thus they have the tendency to feed some unhealthy egocentric or superiority complexes) or they are too competitive and/or expensive and out of reach for most kids. Teens these days also lack real world experiences that provide opportunities for application of their knowledge and skills and the schools are falling very short on providing this... So the development of such an organization could fill a lot of gaps and holes in the needs of maturing teens that we expect to become valuable contributors to our communities and societies. My dreams for this organization included setting up a system where volunteer hours and fundraising could be cashed in toward an enriching cross-cultural travel experience or scholarship credits that they could use toward higher education.
Although the support and interest we had for the idea was definitely positive, when it came right down to it, the reality is that this complex multi-layered dream is too far out of my league. I am not qualified nor am I well enough connected to pull it off. I am also not financially independent/ wealthy enough to pull it off.
...It breaks my heart and I want to keep holding onto the dream. I want to grassroots or sell the idea to someone who can pull it off. Actually, I'd happily give it away if someone else can pull it off because it is not for me and it is not supposed to be about me. It is for others that I want this to be successful.
So then we have the PP packs, short for Primitive Potty Packs. It was a community oriented fundraiser that we started but went south along with everything else after the car accident and we (my kids and I) lost serious confidence with the drop off of friends that had started with us.
 One of those that stung the most, we should not have invited to join, because they the mom (who I had valued highly and considered a good friend) had already decided she did not like me for whatever reason. However, her son was enthusiastic about it and had the experience and the type of personality that could literally pull the whole thing off singlehanded if he felt so inclined. But mom tainted the well, which broke me and my kids again... though I did not want to admit it and for awhile still made some effort.
PP packs. This idea came after the car accident. I was fragile for many reasons and especially sensitive to rejection so this seemed to be a good, scaled way back, grassroots way to do something meaningful and attempt to reignite TNT. The Primitive Potty Packs, aka PP Packs, were intended to help education and inform people on appropriate, hygienic, and environmentally conscientious bathroom practices in wilderness areas where bathroom facilities are not available. My kids and I came up with this idea when we were camping in the Bears Ears wilderness area -an area of much controversy over how to preserve and protect it.

Admittedly we are not huge fans of the publicity it has received by making it a national, federally own, property. It brings people in and many of these people are not wild campers that know how or what to do when they need to relieve themselves but their are no facilities around. In wetter states leaving toilet paper is not as big of an issue, but in the desert, it'll last longer than we will and these gross little brown streaked white flags are becoming a more and more common feature to the landscape. It's not pretty. Or hygienic. It is gross.
We always pack out our toilet paper. The PP packs are our method and we figured we could produce and sell these as a way to both fundraise and educate.
It has been a very well received idea and the people we have talked to about it have been supportive and enthusiastic. We were able to get donations to start the project. While researching we learned that even burying your poop in these areas in not ideal and while the bigger National Parks will provide permitted backpackers of certain areas with a bag to use that is for packing your crap out, we found that they were expensive and rather bulky with a lot of waste for a onetime use product. Our research lead us to develop the Crapsule; A capsule that is made for and contains what you need to pack your crap out. They are also great for dog owners since it is a good solution to carrying a squishy stinky bag on your hike. Too many dog owners bag it but leave it for that very reason, and that is gross. But we can solve that problem with the crapsule...
They are good ideas. Especially right now, amidst this social isolating and Coronavirus concern. We have the product and all we need to do is make some videos to explain and then post and share on social media etc...
...but we are struggling to be brave...
And I don't want to push my kids, I don't want to make them do anything they don't want to do.
... Contrary to the Neuroscience Institute and/ or their lawyers opinions I don't make my kids do things nor cause them to do things that are for my own self-serving agenda or whatever they were thinking when they made that false, hurtful, harmful and offensive accusation.  ...
...and now I am seeing, as I write this out, one more reason why I am extremely gun-shy about tackling these projects and trying to motivate my kids to be brave again so that we can follow through with what we started...
I edited out my flare up of anger and left this entry for a day. But I do feel there are important things to say and the writing it out processing has been helpful. Next I allowed myself a bit of a followup or followthrough on the processing my brain is trying to move beyond. I have decided it is best to be gentle with myself and allow myself the time I need to heal. I also feel I want to share this, because even though this blog goes just about nowhere and get read very little I know that their are others who have been through similar and that their seems to be few resources and very little help or concern about the the challenge they have faced. I also know that the industry standards and far too many professionals within the industry of psychology are pretty clueless, callous or misguided in their understandings and procedures in handling clients they have lost objectivity with.

..."I can't loose you right now" did not matter to him; it did not matter why. He decided and then allowed it to or encouraged it to progress into the absolute decimation of my confidence and self worth by them ignoring all red flags and their obligations to treat and protect me when I was literally fighting for my life... The effects are so far reaching into a person's psyche. ...And I don't want to think about it anymore I don't want to focus on it. I want to focus on and do those other things I have mentioned... I want to focus on developing other skills and talents...
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
Sometimes I feel like I am in a powerful eddy I am just not strong enough to swim out of...
...So it really is not surprising that I am just not brave anymore. But it is annoying to me. Annoying that I can see it for what it is but just can't seem to shake the confirmations of my worthlessness.
But I keep going and I keep trying and I keep choosing to believe, even when I really don't. And the fight gets easier the more I train, but I do wish I did not need to fight so many pointless battles against people that should be on my side.
..."be careful with (or avoid) the shouds" rings in my ears because he should hear and care but does not, because they should care and should have cared but they did not. They choose to see me and treat me as a liability, not a person.

...so ever striving to steer clear when I can of the powerful eddies that surround me and swim out when I can not avoid them. As I continue to keep moving and working to find and establish the me that I want to be. Or God, I would like most to be the me that God wants me to be, but I will admit, that area is scary since the powers that Be are incomprehensible to our mortal minds and it is easy to get lost in the vast shades of grey and purple rains that can easily misguide our naive minds, tender hearts, primal instincts, and guarded egos.
So I am settling for striving to be the me that I really would like me to be.

"Come together, right now, over here"

I have been working on a blog entry about the past couple of days and the... relapse?... I had but that entry has gotten quite long and I am still not finished; maybe more appropriate for a book..
But I feel it is important so here are some cliff notes:
Omens and strange lucid sleep paralysis dreams put together all of the evidence that I am supposed to sacrifice myself and then I found myself fighting the battle with death again only this time with all of the logical compiled evidence being presented in a sleep-paralysis-like state. Whispers of "only he can stop this" haunting me...
I was not focussed on him, but rather what was I to do? I could not shake the evidence and yet I refused to do the deed. I would not do it, while the encounters (or lack of) of the day and with family just kept reinforcing those messages...
Knowing how my husband had responded that day and his typical patterns I decided it would be best to run away.
But first I decided to do something I have been putting off for far too long; I would report to the police the reckless endangerment and possible criminal negligence and fraudulent practices of the medical providers that seem to be the true source of those voices.
After talking with the appropriate police department I felt tired, and cold but it lit just enough that I also wanted to keep fighting even though I was not feeling particularly brave or strong enough to. I also remembered that I had a dentist appointment the next morning for the pain I was feeling once again in my teeth and jaw. But maybe mostly because I was not feeling capable of even taking care of the dog at that point in time I returned home (I had brought the dog with me, for safety and because my daughter thought it would be good for me) despite the thoughts of, "You can't keep going back."
Upon returning home, I took the remainder of my meds -I had already decided to reintroduce the medication I had wanted to quit, which may have accounted for some of the tired feelings- and then I  went to bed.
Though some of the intensity had subsided, the next morning was rough and I was not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be there for my son so forced myself to be present for the meeting he had arranged to showed his antique typewriter to potential buyers. Not knowing if I would be home or not my husband had made arrangements to be present for the meeting himself, though he arrived a minute or two too late.
So I was up and feeling bit better, or at least numb when my husband arrived. He explained why he had come home; because he was not sure if I would be here. He is not annoyed or angry either way, but rather he tells me he is glad I decided to stay. He gave me a hug asked how I was. Then he took some interest, making suggestions about a project and then proceeded with, "lets try it right now."
And that was it, that turned me right around, like a switch. I was not sure how this was possible and I thought on all the logical evidence and the whispers, omens, etc but they were insignificant again and if anything, evidence of my tenacity and the need for changes in flawed and/or careless systems, not evidence that I needed to die. This is where there is a lot I can explain, but what it really comes down to is this:

• the fight becomes easier the more you train.
• I had put in the work and it is very likely the medication I reintroduced was helping now
• It does not take much to swing a person either way when they are fighting to survive
• Everybody needs people in the ring with them (or maybe it is many people or maybe just I do, but I do. I need people on my side, looking out for me and helping me)

Tragedy averted, I was tempted to just forget about it, but I knew that we needed to talk about this as a family. I knew that they only way I will not-only-survive-but-thrive is if my family understands this for what it is and helps me when I need it. Whether any of us like it or not we have this burden and we are all going to fair better if we learn how to handle it together and what to do when my brain does go haywire. I wondered how to approach this with my family. I wondered if really I should or if I should just sweep it under the rug. 

I thought of our friend who got diagnosed with diabetes at a very young age, I thought of uncles who we have lost to cancer, I thought about my sister who has a heart condition, I thought about my brother-in-law whose family has been there and extremely supportive through his bouts with bipolar, and I thought of my niece that is blind and my niece that has an extra piece of a chromosome and how my sister has handled it an helped her kids handle their realities. I recognized that those who fair best are those whose families also make an effort to understand their illnesses and conditions. 

I realized, we need to talk about this. Not hide it. Not be ashamed and embarrassed. And most certainly not ignore it when something like this relapse (or what ever it was) happens. 

So we sat down as family to talk about this. I told them I need help and I explained that I want them to understand that we are here to help each other. I explained the simple things that helped turn me around. I explained that I also want them to pay attention to themselves and to know if they ever have any issue's, medical or otherwise, that they are not alone and we are here to help them as well. I want them to be comfortable talking about these things and I want them not to stigmatize themselves (the way I have done to myself so many times in the past -I did not add that). I want them to know that mental health problems are not shameful nor should they be ignored. I want them to remember the man from Brazil and for our family to have the same kind of love and compassion for others and each other. I want them to know how much I appreciate what they already have done and how they have helped me and each other in so many ways already. 

Our conversation was brief and I am not sure if I was able to convey all that I wanted to, but I at least know that they know it is okay to talk about these things, we are all in this together (like it or not) and that we are here for each other. 

Later I talked with my husband. More and more he is  understanding that these issues of mine are not as easy as I make them appear to be. He is seeing that sometimes, when something seems silly, it is often merely the tip of the iceberg in what I can or am willing to try to explain. He knows that I am not a willing victim but that I also do not do things out of spite, malice, revenge or otherwise. I really appreciate that he knows that about me and I am really grateful, that even though it can be difficult at times, he still wants me around and he is glad that I keep coming back. He gives me credit and the benefit of the doubt and he is glad that I keep choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt too. He has always appreciated how care about and are kind to others. We are both starting to see how, at times,  I am too nice and forgiving and that I may be giving the benefit of the doubt to liberally while accepting too much responsibility for difficult situations with people. We are coming together better by recognizing and appreciate the good in ourselves and each other. 

...And I believe this may be how we beat the odds.

Just a little love can go such a long way.

Sometimes we just need to feel love.
Sometimes that is the hardest time to love people and when they need it most.
But sometimes that is really all we need.
In person love. A hug, a hand hold, a rub/pat on the back. Not much. But real life real time love.
...
and maybe to get back on the Lexapro too.
Last night I decided, maybe I will take the baby seizures and not mess with that medication right now... Those Lucid dreams threw me way off and I don't know why they came when they did but they did.. I suppose I am not far enough out of the woods yet.