Eddies of Disproportionate Sizes

....I'm just not brave anymore...
I am just not finding the courage to keep putting myself out there.
...
I want to be brave
I tell myself that I am
that I can do it
that it does not matter, the criticism and/or if it has the impact I want it to or not, as longing as I am making an effort to have a positive impact on the world...
but I just cannot bring myself to put myself out there.
I think more than anything I am tired of feeling the sting of rejection from those that I value.
It may be, as Dr. She has pointed out, that I have surrounded myself with people that see me as second class, and/or people I have made myself second a class citizen to, and people that confirm the negative core beliefs I have about myself and therefore I am doomed to failure because my social support system is not actually a support system at all but rather the opposite, a group of look-at-me-ers, that rely on my sidekick status to make themselves shine... SO they cannot and will not support if their is a threat of me, the second class, outshining them...
and as I am writing out my lack of bravery, I am seeing this and that is sadly true of many people I have loved and valued highly...
Not all, but a damaging amount...
which makes it even harder to combat with the bravery of putting myself out there when I know my message will only spread with the help a network...
...I suppose it is really not surprising that I am not brave... but it is annoying to me.
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
So maybe I start here, on my insignificant blog that is also fading into obsoleteness for the very same reasons...
Processing my apprehension with:
TNT
PP Packs
and Crapsules
Teens Need Travel was a project we had started prior to the car accident that messed my head up and broke my brain even more than it was. The ultimate goal of TNT was to create a nonprofit organization that would be for teens and run by teens. An organization that would help them fund their own travel experience through community oriented fundraising. It was a big idea that covered a whole lot of needs for teens that are all too often overlooked. Teens are often undervalued and not given opportunities to actually work for and toward a goal that is focused on developing themselves. Developmentally teens need to be focused on themselves and developing themselves but many of the organizations and extracurriculars that are set up to supposedly help with this, focus too much on massively overwhelming or for show humanitarian efforts that are often not developmentally appropriate (thus they have the tendency to feed some unhealthy egocentric or superiority complexes) or they are too competitive and/or expensive and out of reach for most kids. Teens these days also lack real world experiences that provide opportunities for application of their knowledge and skills and the schools are falling very short on providing this... So the development of such an organization could fill a lot of gaps and holes in the needs of maturing teens that we expect to become valuable contributors to our communities and societies. My dreams for this organization included setting up a system where volunteer hours and fundraising could be cashed in toward an enriching cross-cultural travel experience or scholarship credits that they could use toward higher education.
Although the support and interest we had for the idea was definitely positive, when it came right down to it, the reality is that this complex multi-layered dream is too far out of my league. I am not qualified nor am I well enough connected to pull it off. I am also not financially independent/ wealthy enough to pull it off.
...It breaks my heart and I want to keep holding onto the dream. I want to grassroots or sell the idea to someone who can pull it off. Actually, I'd happily give it away if someone else can pull it off because it is not for me and it is not supposed to be about me. It is for others that I want this to be successful.
So then we have the PP packs, short for Primitive Potty Packs. It was a community oriented fundraiser that we started but went south along with everything else after the car accident and we (my kids and I) lost serious confidence with the drop off of friends that had started with us.
 One of those that stung the most, we should not have invited to join, because they the mom (who I had valued highly and considered a good friend) had already decided she did not like me for whatever reason. However, her son was enthusiastic about it and had the experience and the type of personality that could literally pull the whole thing off singlehanded if he felt so inclined. But mom tainted the well, which broke me and my kids again... though I did not want to admit it and for awhile still made some effort.
PP packs. This idea came after the car accident. I was fragile for many reasons and especially sensitive to rejection so this seemed to be a good, scaled way back, grassroots way to do something meaningful and attempt to reignite TNT. The Primitive Potty Packs, aka PP Packs, were intended to help education and inform people on appropriate, hygienic, and environmentally conscientious bathroom practices in wilderness areas where bathroom facilities are not available. My kids and I came up with this idea when we were camping in the Bears Ears wilderness area -an area of much controversy over how to preserve and protect it.

Admittedly we are not huge fans of the publicity it has received by making it a national, federally own, property. It brings people in and many of these people are not wild campers that know how or what to do when they need to relieve themselves but their are no facilities around. In wetter states leaving toilet paper is not as big of an issue, but in the desert, it'll last longer than we will and these gross little brown streaked white flags are becoming a more and more common feature to the landscape. It's not pretty. Or hygienic. It is gross.
We always pack out our toilet paper. The PP packs are our method and we figured we could produce and sell these as a way to both fundraise and educate.
It has been a very well received idea and the people we have talked to about it have been supportive and enthusiastic. We were able to get donations to start the project. While researching we learned that even burying your poop in these areas in not ideal and while the bigger National Parks will provide permitted backpackers of certain areas with a bag to use that is for packing your crap out, we found that they were expensive and rather bulky with a lot of waste for a onetime use product. Our research lead us to develop the Crapsule; A capsule that is made for and contains what you need to pack your crap out. They are also great for dog owners since it is a good solution to carrying a squishy stinky bag on your hike. Too many dog owners bag it but leave it for that very reason, and that is gross. But we can solve that problem with the crapsule...
They are good ideas. Especially right now, amidst this social isolating and Coronavirus concern. We have the product and all we need to do is make some videos to explain and then post and share on social media etc...
...but we are struggling to be brave...
And I don't want to push my kids, I don't want to make them do anything they don't want to do.
... Contrary to the Neuroscience Institute and/ or their lawyers opinions I don't make my kids do things nor cause them to do things that are for my own self-serving agenda or whatever they were thinking when they made that false, hurtful, harmful and offensive accusation.  ...
...and now I am seeing, as I write this out, one more reason why I am extremely gun-shy about tackling these projects and trying to motivate my kids to be brave again so that we can follow through with what we started...
I edited out my flare up of anger and left this entry for a day. But I do feel there are important things to say and the writing it out processing has been helpful. Next I allowed myself a bit of a followup or followthrough on the processing my brain is trying to move beyond. I have decided it is best to be gentle with myself and allow myself the time I need to heal. I also feel I want to share this, because even though this blog goes just about nowhere and get read very little I know that their are others who have been through similar and that their seems to be few resources and very little help or concern about the the challenge they have faced. I also know that the industry standards and far too many professionals within the industry of psychology are pretty clueless, callous or misguided in their understandings and procedures in handling clients they have lost objectivity with.

..."I can't loose you right now" did not matter to him; it did not matter why. He decided and then allowed it to or encouraged it to progress into the absolute decimation of my confidence and self worth by them ignoring all red flags and their obligations to treat and protect me when I was literally fighting for my life... The effects are so far reaching into a person's psyche. ...And I don't want to think about it anymore I don't want to focus on it. I want to focus on and do those other things I have mentioned... I want to focus on developing other skills and talents...
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
Sometimes I feel like I am in a powerful eddy I am just not strong enough to swim out of...
...So it really is not surprising that I am just not brave anymore. But it is annoying to me. Annoying that I can see it for what it is but just can't seem to shake the confirmations of my worthlessness.
But I keep going and I keep trying and I keep choosing to believe, even when I really don't. And the fight gets easier the more I train, but I do wish I did not need to fight so many pointless battles against people that should be on my side.
..."be careful with (or avoid) the shouds" rings in my ears because he should hear and care but does not, because they should care and should have cared but they did not. They choose to see me and treat me as a liability, not a person.

...so ever striving to steer clear when I can of the powerful eddies that surround me and swim out when I can not avoid them. As I continue to keep moving and working to find and establish the me that I want to be. Or God, I would like most to be the me that God wants me to be, but I will admit, that area is scary since the powers that Be are incomprehensible to our mortal minds and it is easy to get lost in the vast shades of grey and purple rains that can easily misguide our naive minds, tender hearts, primal instincts, and guarded egos.
So I am settling for striving to be the me that I really would like me to be.