Civil Disobedience

 I recognize them as symptoms which is how I beat it every time. It is only by recognizing that it is a symptom that you can overcome the underlying that is causing the symptom; whether that be a medical problem, a societal problem, or somewhere in between and combined. 

Right now it is cultural and societal issues that are causing the symptoms and exacerbating the underlying that tells me to succumb to the inevitable because I am nothing and of no value -and that is very unfair.  

But I have been knocked down before and I have gotten up every other time, even if sometimes it has taken months to years to get back up, so I'll do it again. 

Let them document their bad behavior. 

You cannot prevent them from destroying themselves and you cannot protect them from themselves. 
I wish I could protect the innocent who trust them, but I am not allowed. 

So underground I will go, letting them think they have won, but still fighting to save whom I can one at a time when the opportunity presents. 

I will never disappear and I will never agree to be what they have made me out to be nor what they have tried to force me to be. 

Keep manipulating the laws and the truth to suit your egos and your paychecks.

I am your civil disobedience. 

I didn't need cutting because I ran track.

 Self harm, often in the form of cutting, is a quit popular coping strategy among adolescents these days. Which I think is sad when there are so many healthy alternatives. 

Like running.  

In high school and junior high I was a distance runner. I ran cross-country in the fall and track in the spring. In high school I joined the swim team so I had that to keep me active, busy and pushing the pain outlet boundaries all school year long. 

 My peers often said I must be masochist to enjoy running, especially at my speeds. Maybe they were right (although not by the "sexual pleasure" definition) as these activities also helped to combat depression far more than I understood at the time. While there may have been something to the pain causing of this outlet, it helped to combat depression in many other ways; the physical activity helped and the social interaction helped. Being and feeling part of a team, having friends, goals, people who cared about you all helped.

I wish I could teach that to others, especially to teens, these days. I wish I could help as a licensed therapist and psychologist certified educator because, like it or not, when you have that title people listened better and trust you more and you have significantly more opportunities to address larger audiences. But those opportunities have been denied to me and even stripped from me...

I'd say, "oh well," but I don't really mean it because it hurts. But that is not what I wanted to write about, maybe I need to allow a tear or two to fall though, in order to healthily grieve that significant and painful loss and maybe that is why it came out here and now...

But now I am going to turn my thoughts to what I really wanted to do; write casually and even playfully about running on a team and how that can relieve a lot of pain while causing pain. 

"Run 'til you hurl!" 

David, I believe that was his name, the boy who would push himself so hard he'd throw up. It was discouraging to him and even embarrassing that he could not push himself hard enough to be one of the best. But he was still there trying and pushing and, instead of shaming him for his embarrassing reaction of throwing up after a race, we, as a team, embraced him and his curse by making it our motto. Thus began tradition of shouting "Run 'til you hurl" as our team cheer just before the beginning of each race. We even preserved this silly camaraderie by making it our team t-shirt. The image was created by one of our teammates; a-stickfigure-esgue outline that at first glance just looked like a cool lined design but upon further inspection was realized to be a figure hunched over hurling to match the motto that was printed on the shirts. 

Personally, I never could never quite push myself that hard. Nor could I push myself as hard as Violet, the slightly to very odd duck that decided to run track our sophomore year. Now Violet was one of those people that nobody can quite figure out. She's intelligent in many ways but likely low scoring on IQ tests. One of the things that was particularly odd about Violet was that she would often moan and groan as she was running as if she were in great agony. But she also seemed oblivious to social cues and how behaving like this would effect others opinion and comfort with her. Although we did observe the practice of moaning and groaning while running did seem to have interesting effects on the other teams' runners. Ultimately Violet's obliviousness was probably a good thing for her because, although she often made others quite uncomfortable and was often over-dramatic, she was generally happy and oblivious to the reactions people would sometimes have to her. 

Katie was another distance runner. Only Katie was a senior, established runner, and very NissanZ-driving-cool. Although well known she was not one of the most popular but only because she really was too cool for that. If she hadn't been a runner she was the type of girl you'd expect to see Jame's Dean style leaned up against the corner of the school smoking, but never smelling of it and, albeit cool and collected, too tough to be harassed by any teachers. 

Naturally Violet, was especially annoying to Katie. But Katie would usually just roll her eyes and walk away from the annoyance trying to ensure she gave Violet no reason to think they were in anyway friends. But Violet did not get the hint as was solidly confirmed on the day Katie and Violet were both assigned to run the mile race. I am not sure why I was not running the mile that day, it was my usual event and I was almost always the fastest, but I also ran the two-mile, 800meter and the 400 meter (my least favorite) and the coaches usually would not put you on the 1 mile and 2 mile on the same day, so I got to watch and man am I glad I did. 

As Violet, who was quite far behind Katie, rounded the corner of her second to last lap she very dramatically, and with much moaning and groaning, collapsed, and dragged herself off of the track as if she had pushed herself just as hard as she possibly could and beyond. Katie, shortly after rounded this same corner in one of the top three positions, well ahead of the majority runners. But as she approached Violet's corner, you could see Violet, in her arms-propped-side-lying position lifts herself just enough to yell very loudly -shockingly loudly for a person who had just collapsed off of the track- "GO KATIE, GO KATIE, DO IT FOR ME, DO IT FOR ME!" Even from the complete opposite side of the quarter mile track you could see Katie's eyes narrow into a death-threatening glare as her always-straight-forward face went beat red and visibly hesitated for just a moment making us all fear she would stop and walk right off the track in the opposite direction just to ensure that Violet knew she was NOT going to do ANYTHING for her. 

It was SOOO FUNNY! And after that Katie let her disdain for Violet flow freely from her lips as she admitted our fear of her throwing the race was precisely on her mind in that moment. Fortunately she did not unleash on Violet, and only to those of us who understood the whole situation. And fortunately, as pissed as it made Katie, she still was able to laugh or at least allow us to laugh about it. 

But, although it ended for Katie and the other team members who graduated that year and Violet who quit running shortly after that race, the story did not end there as we took these comical observances with us into the cross-country season the next year.

. 

At some point, early on during practices for the cross-country season of my junior year, when we were missing and reminiscing Katie and Addy (the other too-cool-previous-year-senior), we began discussing Violets odd habit of moaning and groaning. This lead to the collective decision that maybe were should try it to see if it somehow helped. So we started moaning and groaning as we ran, our coach Bob, who would run with us, not at all sure what to make of us but unable to completely hide his amusement. Of course it just made us laugh so hard we could hardly run at all, but somehow this experiment still evolved into a very bizarre team ritual. 

In our analyzing discussion we noted our observances of the effects Violet's moaning and groaning would have on the other team members. Often people would suddenly drop back from her, not sure make of it. Usually they'd pick their pace up again and wide-birth-style pass her, but for those of us who were in ranking positions, we recognized that this little drop back by the other team could be just enough to give us the winning edge. Soooo

We had to try it out. We, the girls cross-country team, decided to do it for Violet! and at the beginning of the next race, right after the gun fired and everyone started the running, we all, and yes all, let out a huge overly-dramatic moaning-groaning breath and then just kept on running, holding our laughter until after the race. Sure enough, it worked. It shocked the other team so much that they did hesitate and look around in confusion as we all got out with great controlled start. 

Thus began the second ritual of the my last two years of high schools cross-country: 1st "RUN 'TIL YOU HURL!" 2nd a very loud moaning and groaning at the beginning of the race, even at State. 

So Run 'til you hurl and moan and groan if you need to but whatever you do, don't quit running!

Dear DOPL prelitigation panel IHC vs me

 DOPL Panel. Reviewing their bullshit decision in preparation for taking on the ... I can't find words vile enough to describe the creatures I am preparing to take on... and rage is rising. 

Rage that is born of necessity. The fight of life. To be so dismissed and dehumanized. To be treated with so much degradation in tone and declaration by people who are "highly qualified" and to know that these egregious egos are teaching others the same forms and levels of discrimination. 

It is more than I can bear. 

And the anger keeps my heart beating. keeps it from breaking and keeps me breathing. 

To deny myself of this rage would be to accept a defeat that is so demoralizing and so dehumanizing that a person becomes less then the dog shit left on the lawn waiting to be scooped and discarded so as not to taint the perfectly manicured palaces' of power and prominence. 

But I am not dog shit and treating me as such, while recognizing the fertilizing power of bullshit -your warped facade of caring-  does not protect you, your ego, your profession and especially not your patients. In fact you compromise all but your disgusting and fragile ego. 

I am angry and 

I am human. 

But you, you are the reason Suicide is going up, not down, and you are the demise of your patients, not the prize and not their savior. You are degradation and death. How much blood is are on your hands? Does your fragile ego feel threatened by this truth? Will you deny it and increase harm just to prove your power to yourself? 

I hate you, not me, and I am more human than you will ever be because at least I know what I am and what I am not and I do not use that to demean and dehumanize the marginalized. I do not blame and shame the innocent for the mistakes of my colleagues and comrades. I do not blame the cripple for his ailments. 

to stay quiet is too much because I, like Semmelweis, know the lives you are costing because of your blind ego and pride. 

Ramblings through the avenues of ...

 "It's going to be the same thing," I hear myself saying, "nobodies ever really what they say they are." 

Which I guess is what sets me apart. I really, genuinely am who I say I am and it is surprising how much that scares and confuses people.

Oh well. and I have come to realize that their fear, their distrust and their distortions of me are reflective of them and not me. They fear and distrust because they fear and distrust themselves, not me, as they work diligently to distort others perceptions of them. 

Being genuinely you can cause other problems too. Like being perceptive to attributes of others -that they may or may not want others to see or recognize about themselves- and then calling them out without even realizing you are doing it. But maybe this problem of mine is not due to my being genuinely me but rather due to knowing what it's like to be me and not me at the same time; a phenomenon you are not likely to recognize you are experiencing unless you have had a TBI or battled loosing your mind to mania or some other mental illness -that is just as much a physical illness and medical condition as any other physical or medical condition. TBI's also have a tendency to create lowered inhibitions in the survivor.

It's funny how the attribute of lowered inhibitions is so acceptable and excusable if you are drinking or if a person has worked for decades to achieve it while it is shunned and shamed in those who have this as a direct result of head trauma.

And so I ramble on today the many things that would like to be let out of my brilliant contained brain...

Which reminds me of a phenomenon-al notice I have recently re-noticed about APA (American Psychological Association) affiliated professionals and those in the counseling and psychology oriented professions and it is this: Their seems to be a craving and unspoken desire by those counselors and therapist to be the object of obsessive affection of one of their patient/clients. They brag and pride themselves in their "crazy" client that just could get enough of them and that they had to cut of in their confidently cold and calloused clout that they are beaming proud to own. It is really very interesting and surprising there has not been more conversation about how the therapist might subconsciously, and at times maybe even consciously, be first creating the craving and then punishing the vulnerable and highly susceptible patient for it. And I wonder how many therapists, counselors, etc have noticed or realized that the crazed patient may not really be as obsessed and possessed as their greedy needy therapists are claiming them to be after rejecting them for their therapist taught dependency and affection that rejection is sure to ignite. 

Brilliantly contained can often be hard to explain. Did you follow?

It's interesting and another phenomenon I'd sure like to research but one that would likely not garner much support for from the APA and those professionals whose need and crave being the object of obsessive affection. 

"I pity the fool"

 It saddens me how little regard IHC has for me as a patient and as a human being. It saddens me how calloused and condoning they are of serious unethical and even illegal behavior against patients. It hurts my heart and today I feel sad and slow for it. 

And why do I feel the need to publish these feelings and facts? When I know it is most likely the only people reading this are those who derive pleasure in knowing that they are succeeding in degrading me and beating me down. Those that will smile and think they are winning and getting close to causing me to cave with their cold, malicious and unethical approaches ... 

"Why?" I am asking myself out loud, "...do I feel the need to publish this?" 

Maybe I want them to know exactly what they are doing and the effect they are in fact having. Maybe knowing that they know helps me keep fighting. Maybe knowing that they know eases my mind and conscience before God and I am trusting that He will be the ultimate judge of their character and of how knowing this influenced their future actions against me and others. Maybe that is why.

Or maybe I am still foolishly hopeful that they will stop being such jerks to me or at least to others in the future if they know just how devastating their blows are... It's sad that this is a foolish belief. 

The world is weird to me and people are so weird to me in their desire to harm others ..and this is weighing me down right now. 

Just so you know. 

But to those who derive pleasure in the harm you know you have caused and continue to cause, someday it will catch up to you and I pity you for how bad you are going to feel when you finally understand or have to face the music for the harm you are causing and exactly what you are doing to people. I pity you and doubt you will fare so well. 

So good day and you have not won yet. 

The end is nigh at hand

 Discovery. 

It's a beast.

One of the people at USU, the only one who seemed to care and be trying to help at all wrote this in her report about me "My experience is that Erica likes to communicate verbally, as it helps her be heard, even if there is no resolution."

I have very strong feelings about this statement. 

1. I really care about the person who wrote this and believe she was one of few who was actually looking out for me so while I appreciate her intention I feel a bit betrayed by the stupidity of the logic. 

2. The stupidity of the logic may be a harsh way of saying that but at this moment I do not have better words available to me to illustrate what I am feeling and observing and what I am observing is this weird belief that I am speaking and fighting to be heard for the mere satisfaction of speaking. This in NOT the case. This weird belief that I didn't and don't need resolution is rather absurd.

3. Because I was and am only speaking so much because I absolutely need resolution.

4. To be heard with no resolution is not to be heard.

5. To be heard and dismissed and then ignored is degrading and dehumanizing

6. And this causes even more significant need to be heard

7. because then you are fighting for so much more than just to be heard. You are fighting for your value, liberties, and even your life. 

and I think I will end here

because there is not enough left in me today

Ride On

 Learning to listen to your body can be challenging. 

Today my body is insisting it is tired and it wants to sleep. More. But I don't want to and I have a lot I need to do. Which may actually be why it is saying it is tired. It's feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and all the people that need my thoughts and concerns, and thus I am spent before I even begin. 

Or is it because I spent a lot of time out working in the sun yesterday? Something that tends to wear most people out.

Or is it because I have not taken Adderall today? 

And that is an annoying aspect of my new disabilities. I feel like I need a drug to manage every aspect of homeostasis. I need lexapro to keep me out of the lows and anxiety, I need seroguel to keep me from going to high, having too much energy and becoming too big for my body and to make it so I can sleep, and then I need adderral to help me wake up, focus, and keep going in the day... That is strange. 

But I still feel very lucky that these medications work as well as they do for me and my mixed up body. I am grateful that I can and do function so well. 

On a somewhat related note, I got to ride that trail again with my husband. This time, although it was the same time of day, I did not experience the brain short-circuiting like I did last time. That was nice and I am glad that I can build up some tolerance. Of course my day before the ride looked quite a bit different then the day before the previous ride, but even still, I rode better and never felt like I was over-running my brains headlights. 

So life is good and that which I persist in doing is becoming easier. Not that the tasks themselves have changed but that my ability to do so is increasing and that is a good feeling. 

The Sound of Silence

"Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools" said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence"

            -Paul Simon

The Sound of Silence 

They capitalize on peoples tragedies and they do it by further abusing the vulnerable victims who continue to go unheard when their voices most need to be heard- and so the cancer grows.  

Today I just need a moment to cry

and you and I, 

we both know why

my tears fall 

for the sound of silence... 

The Ups and Downs of the Downs and Ups

 So much too do and so little time that sometimes it is overwhelming. Right now I am not so much overwhelmed by all I have to do as I am by how voiceless and powerless so many people, including myself, are. 

Recently I have been trying to help a sister-in-law who is going through her own legal battles and who has been a victim far too many times and by the "systems" who are supposed to protect victims. My heart hurts for her and where she feels beat down by how voiceless and powerless she has been, I feel angry and I want to fight for her. The thing is she tries so hard not to be a victim and has done and been all that she is expected by society to by denouncing that she is a victim, but this has not helped her and she continues to be beat down by people who don't understand what it is like to be a victim.  

The thing is, it SUCKS to be a victim. And it is an unfair expectation that you are not supposed to be a victim when you are a victim. You are somehow supposed to be proud, brave, confident, and all kinds of bold when you are small, beat down, powerless, and being vilified for your efforts to stand up and speak out while being expected to stand up and speak out. It is sooo much more complicated than people know to not be a victim. 

Take me for example. Clearly I DO NOT make a good victim. I don't succumb to manipulations easily, I talk WAY too much, am too honest and open, and I feel an obligation to warn and protect others. I am a whistle blower when it is needed and I refuse to accept the degradation no matter how bad, how long it has been going on, or to the level it progresses, BUT that still isn't fixing anything and I continue to be victimized in many ways for my efforts, openness and honestly -which pisses me off more while simultaneously annoying others who will accuse one of "always claiming they are the victim" when I try again to point it out and try to end the victimization of myself and others... What a conundrum. Especially when I can relate to all sides. But that is all I want to write out about that today. My frustration is not resolved but also not feeling super productive right now; so I am going to pack it away and tackle it, if I can, on another day in some other way.

Because now I want to write about this: 

I am sorry the picture is not better but I think it demonstrates pretty well what we (myself, my husband and my son) were doing and and how we got there.

For my birthday this year my husband bought me a Sur Ron, which is a lightweight electric dirt bike. I have always wanted to ride motorcycles the way my husband does and has been doing since he was tiny. Now I have had a Honda 150 for a few years, but I have so little experience and I am starting much older. These disadvantages have made the Honda feel like too much bike for me and I am far from skilled enough to take it on the single track trails my husband prefers. Additionally, if I make a mistake on the Honda it is hard to recover from since it weighs quite a bit more than I do. The Sur Ron on the other hand, weighs less than I do and doesn't have gears I have to worry about (which I am not super proud of- but have to admit- does make riding easier for me most of the time), so it is much easier to recover from if I do make a mistake. Overall I find this little bike quite fun and, even though it is said, "it doesn't replace your dirt bike," for me it does and I am okay with that. 

But this little rambling is not meant to be a Sur Ron review, rather I actually wanted to talk about the ride from the picture and how my TBI effected it 

...because I find it interesting. 

Since I am such an inexperienced rider and still learning the nuances of my new bike, I feel like Madonna 1984, every time I ride ("Like Virgin") until I start to settle in again. Because I am so new and still learning it is more cognitively demanding than it would be for someone like my husband who has been riding since he was in elementary school. 

And

I have that damage to my brain from those TBI's to contend with which can wear me out a bit quicker and cause some interesting phenomena. One thing I found interesting was how depleting all the depth and complexity of the mountain terrain was. The visual stimulation that was moving past and beneath me at higher speeds than is normal for a body to move at in such terrain was really cool but also a huge draw on my cognitive resources and I could feel it. Yet, as the sun set and daylight began to fade so did the colors, depth and distant that I could see and I was surprised how noticeable the effects were on my cognitive energies; riding in the fading light was not nearly as cognitively depleting. 

However, by that time, I was truly and genuinely cognitively fatigued and I had to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts because I didn't feel tired physically. Now maybe you think I am limiting myself too much or making up excuses etc for my lack of speed and skill but I assure you I am not. The effects of TBI are, and genuinely can be, very odd. If they are not recognized for what they are there is a lot of potential for all kinds of trouble in so many aspects of your life, so self awareness is absolutely crucial after your brain has been altered. Plus if you do pay attention and utilize self awareness it can be quite fascinating to analyze what is happening as it happens. Which is precisely what I was doing, and needed to, when my brain started shorting on the ride. 

"Shorting?" You ask. 

I think this is quite a common phenomenon that many experience when they are tired. Your brain just kind of misses what's going on for a moment. It happens a lot to kids in school who are trying to pay attention for developmentally inappropriate lengths of time as they try to learn all the new material they are expected to learn so quickly. 

But for me, while riding, it felt more like overdriving your headlights; a phenomenon that does not seem to happen as much anymore, likely due to technology advancements as well as infrastructure improvements that have decreased opportunities to drive in dark conditions on those long, lonely, and curvy highways. Now according to many online definitions, overdriving your headlights means not being able to stop inside the illuminated area ahead of you when you are driving in dark conditions. But by my definition, and what I remember experiencing in my younger days, overdriving your headlights happens when you are driving, maybe faster than you should and usually around a turn, and you actually overdrive the illuminated area ahead and you are, for a moment, driving in the dark while the light is being cast in a direction you are not driving. I don't think I did this all that often and generally speaking, it's more likely to happen in adverse weather conditions, like fog and rain, when the light being cast is dispersed by the reflective conditions you are driving through. Always, overdriving your headlights, is a huge warning sign that you need to slow down. 

And that is what it was like for my brain on the Sur Ron that evening. I had to slow down because I would experience a blank moment that indicated my brain was not totally keeping up with my speed and circumstances. Very interesting, sometimes, the way our injured brains behave. 

Sometimes it makes me a bit sad and frustrated that I cannot keep up with what I used to be able to keep up with but at the same time, I am extremely grateful to have the brain that I have and the irony of these types of anomalies that make me better able to keep up with so many other things and that normal brains often have no idea how to keep up with. 

And so I make the best of it and choose to enjoy and utilize my observations as I hope others may be able to do as well. 

 

The Emperor's New Clothes

"Despite various publications of results where hand washing reduced mortality to below 1%, Semmelweis's observations conflicted with the established scientific and medical opinions of the time and his ideas were rejected by the medical community. He could offer no acceptable scientific explanation for his findings, and some doctors were offended at the suggestion that they should wash their hands and mocked him for it. In 1865, the increasingly outspoken Semmelweis supposedly suffered a nervous breakdown and was committed to an asylum by his colleagues. In the asylum he was beaten by the guards. He died 14 days later from a gangrenous wound on his right hand that may have been caused by the beating." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignaz_Semmelweis

The solution of washing hands seems so common sense to us now yet Ignaz Semmelweis was ostracized, vilified and treated in all manner of degrading ways; this article only touches on it, but in reality he endured mistreatment for his views and opinions for years even though his opinion was based on years of gathered evidence, investigation, and practice. It is truly heartbreaking how this man, whose work and outspoken determination literally saved countless lives and saved even more from serious illness and the effects of that, was treated for his efforts.

His story runs through my head often and I feel I can relate when I explain to people the very obvious problems and some very simple solutions to the medical malpractice model and to some of the various ways mental illnesses, which are also very real, serious and often dangerous illnesses, are handled, perceived and addressed.

I find inspiration from Semmelweis when I feel beat down by for trying.

Truly it's hard to be voiceless and powerless and then mistreated for trying to educate others when you know very powerful truths that could save lives and livelihood and could relieve a lot of stress on a lot of people.

I was able to talk to a person at the Utah Bar today and she told me, "you may be caring too much about what is in the best interest of all parties to your detriment."

And that about summarizes it.

Cries for Help

 Life is so strange. The twists and turns can take you places and change you in ways you never imagined possible. 

And so it is for me and my family.

Right now I feel sad. Tears are starting to well. And though it is nice that this is a greatly reduced occurrence and these tears are appropriate, I wish they didn't need to be...

The thing about having been insane and back, is that it makes medically relevant mental health problems a lot easier to spot and identify in others. It also makes it easier to understand their plights and whys. 

And the thing that is tearing at me now is seeing and knowing what happens to people whose illnesses go undiagnosed and untreated. Their distorted thinking only grows worse with age and ostracism and they end of up being so "crazy" and "weird" that they become intolerable, they can be scary to others and/or, depending on how they are treated and what is fed in their little head, some can become quite dangerous. 

But if they had received medical intervention and help and support early on this could have been prevented and they could be very healthy and valuable contributors to society. 

-"It's also a gift," says my sister-in-law who is nothing short of a saint and whom I admire and look up to in so many ways and for so many reasons -but this comment stirs a surprising anger in me. She is referring to bipolar and the highs associated. I have to quickly access my rising emotions. I have to identify why I am feeling this and what to do about it so I don't inadvertently injure another relationship with a reaction that is elevated beyond what is considered normal. Fortunately this sister-in-law has a lot of experience with people with mental illness and she still loves and cherishes those in her life with said "gifts" so I know I am relatively safe expressing my feelings on the matter. 

"It's not a gift, its a curse," I think although I recognize what she means and that there are elements that seem very gift like. But in truth and reality their is only a very brief magical moment when people are amazed and impressed by you and your gifts. Prior you are no one and insignificant and after you are crazy, intolerable, weird, scary, unreliable, and so many unfair labels that people do not easily remove from you or forgive you for if and when you are able to recover. And the "gift" of it is easily lost with and into the chaos and insanity you are progressing into. The only way "the gift" is utilizable is if the person is able to get help maintaining a more homeostatic sanity balance that is necessary to achieve anything. The "gift" is moot without stability. 

Although there is another way, but that requires the assistance of some other person, business, and/or entity exploiting it. Unfortunately that exploitation far too often comes at such a high cost to the tormented yet gifted creator who will be progressively abandoned and ostracized as the "gift" progressively becomes consumed by the reality of the their very real and very critical medical condition of the "gifted"...

... Do you understand where I am going with this and what I am saying? Do you understand where the anger is coming from? 

When a person has a mental illness they need treatment, they need help and they need to go through all of the phases of grief and acceptance that a person needs to go through when they are diagnosed with any serious illness. But rarely are they given this chance. 

When people are stigmatized, treated degradingly and punitively and discriminated against for having and treating an illness, they are less likely to accept they have the illness, less likely to get appropriate help for it and throughout it, and their illness is more likely to progress and cause more significant negative consequences. 

It breaks my heart to see so many sad situations, frustrated and hurting people who are now so lost in their altered reality that it is impossible to help them and get through to them all because they had to burry their story and will not accept the degradation they have received for having a "mental illness. " Ironically many would affected and their family members would rather accept that it is a character flaw that then a mental illness. 

It breaks my heart that so many were not diagnosed early because their parents did not want them to be "labelled" or they didn't want to be "labeled" for having a kid with such a label. Like my ex-bro-in-law who very likely has undiagnosed autism and has progressed so poorly that his own mom and siblings don't want to have anything to so with him and he is becoming an increasing danger and a threat to others. 

It is hurting my heart deeply right now because I know too many and I see too much suffering for it...

So, I'll let the tears fall for a minute and then get back to fighting for these things to change. 

How do you sleep at night?

 They know it. And they are likely following me here to see if they are succeeding in waiting me out. Waiting to see if I can follow through with this very difficult task of filing a claim against them.

They know as I review all the bullshit they put me through it will trigger and exhaust. 

They know it will cause a physical burden to my body and that in reality I am not likely physically capable of fighting this fight long enough to outlast them and all of their resources 

and their fully functional brains....

And I know it to 

and it's disgusting. 

So I will not succumb until my body fails me and I can no longer stand up and take their beatings every time I try to speak out and seek the resolution the medical industry needs and that other patients deserve as well....

SO if my vulnerabilities amuse you and feed your egos, fine. Be fed knowing that you will eventually succeed in burning me down and burning me out 

But someday it will all catch up to you and you will be held accountable for it. 

You make me sick.

literally. 

But, I now understand that that is literally what you want. 

So I'll keep fighting 

to end your sick and twisted games. 

And Ms. Attorney, You are such a liar! Straight up lies. And so brazen and confident in your presenting  them that even I questioned myself... 

But, I have so much of it in writing 

so there is that. 

You're Somebody Else

 People tend to talk about what is going on in their lives, what they are going or currently working on and towards, their interests etc.

These are things my kids talk about. 

That is what I talk about too.

To be clear, I am careful not to share too much with my kids about all this. They know what I am doing and they wholeheartedly support it. In fact my son has more then once stood up for me to people questioning my decision to pursue a legal medical malpractice claim. He even told his grandpa that I have to do this. Sometimes my kids surprise me. 

So yesterday I shared with my son one of the poems I found on this here blog as I was searching for dates and details to include in my claim against IHC.  It was one I figured my kids might appreciate and my son did. 

Then he shared with me and experience he had recently had. He told me he is doing well and has really moved past all of that trauma so it took him by surprise when he was very affected by a song that came on at his work. He said it took right back to all of that and it made him really emotional. He shared the song with me: Flora Cash: You're Somebody Else

It made me cry as I felt what he and my daughter had to endure and how profoundly the whole mess had affected him. 

It made me realize just how much my son really loved and appreciated me and how much he still does. I was a really good mom before all of this and he lost that for a long time, almost lost it completely and he knows it; whether we talk about it or not, he knows it. 

It is no wonder he made the intimidating Karma call to the discriminating professor that triggered a med-mal-related post traumatic stress response in me... It's no surprise a kid who had been through what my son had would react to that situation in such away. 

Whether we talk about it or not, my kids know because they had to live through it too.  

So occasionally we talk about it and that seems to work best for all of us.

Talk is cheap. Avoidance is not.

Screams that go unheard

 As I continue to write my medical malpractice claim sometimes my insides start screaming, "ARE YOU INSANE?!?! HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU IGNORE, DISMISS, DISREGARD AND THEN DENY THE MANIA I WAS EXPERIENCING UNDER YOUR CARE???" 

It is screaming so loud inside of me that it slips out of my now very stable and very level self as I audibly question the emails in a normal curious tone. 

It is mind boggling. And disturbing. 

Embarrassing.

EMBARRASSING

and not just for me. But (and really even more so) for Dr. He and IHC.  Really? "No evidence of mania, except for in the emails?" That evidence alone being over-the-top and so extreme that

It makes my insides scream 

at them and everyone who has played a part in the misdiagnosing and dismissing of dangerous conditions

of me and the reckless disregard for me 

and the disregard for every other person in the world around me 

because that is one of the very scary realities of mania when one does not know or believe they have it. 

The PANEL, from DOPL. I won't but I want to disclose their names now too because of what they have dismissed and condoned. It is very, very scary to society to know that these types of acts and omissions are so common and or excused that they would so easily dismiss, condone, and turn a blind eye. 

It is so so so so disturbing the more you dig into this medical malpractice world. It is very very scary how IHC has used laws to create and hide, beyond what is discoverable, entire fraudulent departments and practices that literally oppress, abuse, and distress faithful and trusting patients who have been the "victims" of mistakes made by their false gods with PhD's. 

My plight, I am finding, is likely going to have to rise to the level of challenging the Unconstitutionality of what is really going on in the medical malpractice world, laws, and the Courts who too frequently solely protect the attorneys of the providers- To be clear, it is NOT the medical providers being protected, it is their attorneys' paycheck that is exclusively and shamelessly protected. 

It benefits neither providers nor patients for medical and psychological providers to 1st misdiagnose, then deny misdiagnosis and then to arrogantly/stubbornly/ ignorantly/ shamelessly/maliciously/or-whatever-it-is-ly continue down a path with a patent that deprives them of dignity and their rights and refuses to address the providers obligations to improve the practices of medical and psychological care for others and society in general -and according to the Medical Practice Act and their Associations' codes of conduct and ethics. 

My insides still demand, "What the hell is wrong with all of you? I was such a mess and you claim I 'just didn't like what you decided.'"

Do I really have to explain that you do not actually get to decide if a person is sick, injured, or ill? NOPE you really don't. Your job is to diagnose, not to decide, but to recognize and then treat. Really, it's true, your decision does not change the condition of the patient. Your treatment does. So if your decision contradicts reality and you refuse to change your mind then you are a threat to your profession and your patients. 

Screaming. My insides are still screaming. 

My condition was so so -resisting-the-urge-to-curse- bad that it is egregious just how vehemently they deny it and their responsibilities associated. 

I meant for this to be a very short post- a quick shout-out- to validate and relieve the screaming inside of me and reasons for it... but my insides are still screaming... screaming to be let out and heard knowing the danger I was and will always be in without proper and adequate care and the danger others are in because our medical institutions are not what they claim to be.

...maybe...Screaming to be free of the danger I am in when and/if others likewise "decide" that I, and my kind, are not worth treating, listening to etc, again. 

Their decision was to invalidate me, degrade me, dismiss me and continue with practices and policies that perpetuate harm; and thus they are correct, I did not like their decision. Do you? 

The screams of bad dreams that no one can hear when you are in desperate need of help... 

The screams then turns into pleadings, because they hold all the power and their decisions had such a significant impact on me and their decisions will continue to have significant impacts on the lives, health, safety and livelihood of others and society in general.  

Neutralize, compartmentalize, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, I don't hate what I am doing right now, which is writing the very lengthy claim of medical malpractice against IHC. Even though often what I am learning is disturbing and shocking, it has been and continues to be very interesting and fascinating learning process. I am learning a ton about the law and the realities about how our legal and justice systems work. In addition to that I have gained a lifetime of experience and side information as well. So I do not regret my decision and I am happy with my progress. In fact I finding increasing enjoyment of the process and it is proving to be a very worthwhile investment in myself.  

However, it has not been an easy journey to get this far and, albeit less in frequency and intensity,  I still find myself repeating my sustaining and self-fulfilling mantra of "That which we persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that our ability to do it has increased." I am glad this mantra is working. And so well as each step in this heavy laden and often stressful process is transforming into such a welcomed pride invoking accomplishment as I choose to appreciate and celebrate them instead of allowing them to weigh me down. 

Of course I still have to be careful and realistic, and I am which is why I came here for a bit of reprieve from my current task... 

The task you ask?  Well, I am intentionally trying to recall all of those confusing and conflicting memories that were on vivid detail repeat in my brain for so long. So long that I feared they would never go away and I'd be torture for eternity by them if I did not solve precisely what they were, what they meant, and what to do about them... For sooo long...

For so long I worked to solve them so I could escape them. For so long I was torn apart a thousand times a day by them. For so long those memories and words of Dr. He plagued and haunted me. ... and indirectly my family. 

And the harder I tried to solve the more they tore me down and every relationship for or with me.  

What a strange irony that now I am struggling to bring those memories back to my conscious recollection; asking my brain to remember them as precisely as they used to replay in me. 

Mania and the after effects. TBI as well. Such interesting and fascinating phenomena; especially from the 1st person perspective. 

The preciseness and heightened senses that keep things so exact in your brain while compromising your ability to act precisely and logically at all. So fascinating and I don't hate that I have experienced it. I just hate how you are treated for it. But now I am rambling, a bit tangential, and maybe avoiding a bit...

Because really, there is a cautious part of me that does not want to bring those memories back at all. Let them stay buried? Nope. I won't. They will be exposed because this is how I keep moving forward and how I keep moving on. Dig them out and keep digging until every root of the problem is out of the ground; too dried and sunbaked to ever grow again so matter the ground it is sown in. 

 I do find it quite helpful that I have so much written down because then I don't have to rely on memory and the emotions that digging can bring to the surface. Reading and then re-writing is much easier to neutralize and compartmentalize.  

Place Holder for Good People and Things

 I wish I had more time to post the good things that have been happening and things that are helping to restore some faith in humanity as I fight this fight... But learning how to go pro se in 60 days is very time consuming. I am learning how to be an attorney in a very short period of time and with very little help and resources. But I am doing it and I feel sad for the defendants because their stubborn and ill advised continuance to deny any responsibility fault etc. is not in any parties best interest and just the filed claim is going to be embarrassing to them -Which it rightfully should be but it is sad how unnecessary it has been for them to try and conceal and to perpetuate harm. It all could have been so easily avoided and even still can if they would just admit their mistakes and make efforts to improve -the way the are expected to by law and by the standards of basic human decency. 

Anyway, enough about that (another plea to those who may be following to please be reasonable) what I really would like to do is make a place holder for some stories that are worth sharing later. Those stories include:

• My birthday, the Sur Ron, and 
• the appointment on my birthday with the surgeon who fixed my hip. This appointment was about the numbness that still remains in my inner thigh. It was another "unexpected outcome" from a medical procedure only this one has been handled in stark contrast to how INI and IHC has handled the "unexpected outcomes" that happened when I was under their care and in direct correlation to their care, practices, procedures, etc. Standard of care in response to "unexpected outcomes" should be consistent with the common sense, ethical, fair, compassionate, and decent way that Dr. Hip-Surgeon responded.
• How the DOPL Division Director handled my concerns and complaints about how the DOPL hearing and disability related accommodations were handled. The interactions started not so good but this director did not simply write me off with condescension and degradation. Initially it felt like he was trying to but I knew there was likely some misinterpreting on both our parts when he agreed to meet with me and listen; and that was so refreshing. He even agreed to address some of the issues I brought up with his staff and to make changes to better serve the public. He learned, I learned, our support people learned, and together we addressed issues and made improvements that benefitted everyone. I left feeling not only validated but grateful and very appreciative. It was such a simple and appropriate way to handle the situation. 
• The growth and development that comes from tackling the hard stuff. 
• This one is not a good thing but I wish I had more time to blog about the sudden death of my husbands dear lifelong friend who died of a heart attack at the cardiologist's/doctor's office during a stress test. Such a good guy. Such a sweet wife and an incredible well adjusted blended family despite their many challenges... Gone so quickly. My husband feeling like he lost a piece of himself is angry with the entire medical industry, angry with the doctors. The growth in my husband to be able to express his feelings about this is significant. It is also surprisingly validating to me that my husband feels he now knows too much to think that the medical providers present were not in some way at fault for this. I am not sure how to explain this one and I don't think I am explaining it well so be advised that you may be misinterpreting what I am trying to articulate, but ultimately, my husbands supports is greatly appreciated while our hearts break for his family and for the devastating loss of this friend, especially knowing the nasty battle they face on top of it if they try to pursue filing a medical malpractice claim. A claim that common sense says should be paid on but that will first be reviewed by attorneys who will most likely do all in their power to collect as much as they can on the insurance payout that should be going to our friend's family. And that is very sad. 

... There are many things, especially good things in my life that I wish I had more time to write about but right now I have to stay focused on the hard tasks in order to meet those deadlines. 

Upgrading to Marginalized

 Marginalize: verb [with object] treat (a person, group or concept) as insignificant or peripheral: (as adjective marginalized).

Synonyms to marginalize(d) include: sideline, trivialize, isolate, cut off, shut out, disenfranchise, alienate, estrange, and discriminate against.

The definition alone of marginalized is not adequate to describe those two demographics I belong to, TBI survivor and Bipolar. Two demographics that it is currently socially and culturally acceptable to discriminate against. If we include the synonyms to marginalize we get closer to our status within society, but we are still not quit there. Marginalized is still a higher status then we are so often given and the term is just not adequate enough to describe our plight.

So in conjunction with the term marginalized, the demographics of TBI survivor and bipolar also need these terms to be included to describe our societal status: dismissed, degraded, devalued, dehumanized, misconstrued, misrepresented, stigmatized,...

Let me explain some of the harsh realities you face when have bipolar and/or have had a TBI and people know it. 

If you are normal (or if people don't know about your conditions) when you reach out to someone or entity for some legitimate purpose it is perceived to be for the purpose that you are reaching out. If you do not hear back and you follow up, this is considered to be a positive trait. You may be heralded as being persistent (in a good way), motivated, resolute, purposeful, resolved etc and you are more likely to get some form of response back. To which you will then reply according to the response which will most likely take the form of an invitation or thoughtfully given rejection. If it is an invitation you are further rewarded for future correspondence. If it is a rejection you will often still be praised for response that is equal to thank-you-for-your-time-and-feedback or a one-more-hard-sale attempt. 

However, if you have one of those other aforementioned titles attached and people know about it far, FAR TOO OFTEN, for following the EXACT same model as outlined above or less, you will be entirely ignored. If you dare to follow up then it is highly likely to be misconstrued to be harassing, and you will be treated with all manner of degradation. You may even be threatened for it. It is degrading, demoralizing and dehumanizing. But still, YOU, the person with known mood altering disabilities, are required to respond with graciousness and dignity as if the perpetrator of the dehumanizing is noble for even giving you any of their precious time. And it does not matter how calm, nice or stable you actually are, if you exhibit any form of impatience or frustration you are immediately shut down, shot down, and shut out. It does not matter the circumstances or the fact that such circumstances would increase stress and seriously try the patience of EVERY persons and if you are behaving better then most people, if you have one of those labels, and they know it, you will be condemned for any show of weakness.  It is far worse than being marginalized. 

When you ask for clarification, for your rights to be honored, for the same/equivalent treatment or if you continue fighting for the ending of such treatment you are only further misrepresented, chastised, ostracized, criticized, dehumanized, etc and given all manner of degrading labels, like: crazy, pain in the ass, delusional, waste of time, of no consequence, etc. 

People fear you because of their own misconceptions, biases, prejudices, etc. But if you try to clear those up, you are often treated in similar fashions as those described above.

If you ask for help you are shunned and shamed. 

And you get to listen to people casually talk about "crazy" people and "bipolar" in the most degrading ways. Nice people, good people, will say things  "that demon child has got to be bipolar or something." Or  like the therapist who asked my sister "so when are you going to leave him?" when she went to her for help and to learn how to cope with and handle her husband's bipolar illness.

Can you imagine if a person went to counseling for help handling the realities of life and issues associated with their spouses illness of cancer, diabetes, etc (like they so often do) and the therapist asked them, "So when are you going to leave them?" because they had been diagnosed with a tragic illness? 

We would be, as a society, absolutely appalled. We might even say it is "outrageous and intolerable."

If certain people are chastised, dismissed, degraded, devalued etc for expecting people they have paid, to treat them according to their paid professionals obligations to them (example doctors and professors) is that acceptable in a civilized community?

Is it acceptable to dismiss, degrade, ostracize, chastise, punish, etc. highly vulnerable and marginalized people for being highly vulnerable and marginalized? 

This is a small and severely understated example of what people like me are facing. It is why it is hard for us to get appropriate care or to admit to anyone, including and even especially ourselves, that we need the help and care we do.

It is also a HUGE factor in the suicide epidemic that is rising instead of declining. 

And this is all very frustrating. 

So I am asking our medical and mental health providers to please, at least, upgrade us -those with TBI, Bipolar and other mental illnesses- to marginalized. Marginalized is at least recognized in policies, are a bit more protected, and there are many grants and programs to help de-marginalize the marginalized. 

...I decided to post this to FB and after I did I started reading others posts. About the third post down was a heartfelt and beautiful tribute a friends young adult son who was just diagnosed with cancer. It is sad and I hurt for them... but I also have to admit I felt a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because they are dealing with an acceptable illness and an acceptable trauma and for it, they have very visible and compassionate support....

Wouldn't it be nice if all of us with serious life altering medical conditions were treated with the same level of support and compassion. We'd never allow the same degrading treatment to happen to this young man and his family because of his illness... so while my heart hurts for him and his family I am also grateful for them that his form is considered acute and has a good survival rate and I am grateful they are not dealing with an illness that they would be shamed, shunned and even vilified for in addition to and while they are dealing with the immensely difficult trials they will be as they try to stabilize and beat this illness/disease. 

Burden of Conscience

 To many things are going through my head about what I need write, document, cross-reference etc. that it is keeping me from sleeping. So I think, "Maybe I should just get it done right now since it is keeping me from sleeping. 

And this makes me nervous. Maybe in a PTS(D) kind of way... Because I still know and remember too well what happened last time things started keeping me up and preventing me from sleeping. 

I think I will be okay this go around because I have weathered many storms and I am NOT feeling the accompanying chemistry surgings but it is still a bit scary AND I need to sleep. 

So I opted to write out a few things that are keeping me up right now. 

1st: Their attorney. Blah. I need to respond to her last email in which she denied being deceptive as she was being deceptive. It was comical. And she went off about the evidence she presented to the Panel as if I had complained about things I had not complained about. I am baffled about why she went off about that and exactly what she thought my complaint was that she was addressing. What I think I am likely NOT baffled about is what her going off on that tangent suggests since my complaint was about her and IHC people being deceptive. 

She also claims she has been professional with me, or something like that. What gets me here is how I knew and she knows that she has done everything she can to cause stress to me. Apparently, I have learned these last few years, that is how attorneys "play the game" and crap like that. So they engage regularly and frequently in intentional inflictions of emotional distress and this is considered normal and acceptable among  attorneys. BUT intentionally inflicting emotional distress IS unscrupulous and illegal and thus a violation of the Attorney's Code of Ethic. Just because it is commonly practiced does not make it legal, ethical, or appropriate. It is beyond me how these practices are so widely accepted and excused. This is also part of why I will keep fighting. 

The other thing on my brain is how full of fallacies and inaccuracies the Panel's decision, facts, and opinions were. And what do I do about that? For the sake of patients and society it genuinely scares me  how much they dismissed, turned blind eyes to and excused. It is disturbing and unsettling that they so easily bought into the lies, deception and the slander and defamation of me. 

It's hard to know what to do. Do I try to offer corrections i.e. like by pointing out that there is no evidence to support IHC's claim that I had been told from the beginning that Dr. He would be limiting his therapy to 10 visits AND that the form and format he had started and was following with me would not be responsible to start with such a restrictive number of appointments AND this is well known by therapists... Do I try to stand up for myself i.e. by pointing out that I had NEVER been diagnosed with bipolar prior to seeing them and was not diagnosed with it until months after I had left their facility.

There is a lot of insanity and delusions in that write up directed to me about my experiences and what really happened but the insanity and delusions in it are not mine...

And just one more thing I'd like to say that is in my brain: Forgiveness does not relieve one of the obligation to report. I really wish it did, but it does not and the burden of conscience will not let you sleep when you know something and/or some people need to be reported and stopped.  

Medical Malpractice and how it's handled

Here are a few things I have learned (please correct me if I am wrong): 

Medical malpractice insurance is expensive and costs continue to increase. 

Medical malpractice insurance only covers the medical providers attorney fees. It does NOTHING to protect or pay for damages to the patient. So it only pays to fight having to pay for damages to the victim of malpractice.

"Frivolous" lawsuit are NOT common but they are spoken of and perceived to be both within the medical communities and without. 

Very few people pursue legal action for legitimate medical malpractice and of those who do even less win.

As a victim of medical mistakes you will be vilified for the mistakes made against you. 

Medical providers are regularly making medical decisions about your medical care and even diagnosis based on advice from attorney's who do not have the credentials to be giving medical advice. 

Large medical institutions put into place entire departments, policies and procedures to conceal their malpractice and even illegal acts. They give them names like "risk management" or "Office of Patient Experiences."  

Medical providers will protect their own PERIOD. 

Our systems are NOT fair and we do NOT all have equal access to justice or fair treatment from medical providers.

Attorney's are the biggest bullies and even though they have ethical guidelines they are supposed to follow, NOT following them is so commonplace that it is perceived and enforced that it is entirely acceptable for them to break their rules. 

"Standard of care" is far too subjective.

...There is a lot I have learned to include here but mostly I just wanted to write out how badly medical mistakes are handled and that THIS is what creates malpractice... 

And I want to share the analogy that is forming in my head: 

If a medical provider accidentally cuts off your arm, the pretty and professional box they wrapped your arm in does not negate the fact that they cut off your arm. But, at least here in Utah, that seems to be the standard of care when medical mistakes are made. 

And then, to top it all off, they and their attorneys will say, "See how pretty and professional this box is? See, we didn't do anything wrong. We don't know why the patient took their arm off and they did not disclose to us that their arm was removable before we carefully placed our knife on it with significant force. But even though they didn't disclose that we still put it in this nice pretty box for them. It's not our fault they don't like the box."

And then the panel, their peers, will say, "Their box is very pretty therefore they did not cut off your arm. Furthermore, your telling them that your arm was now missing, trying to figure out what happened to it and then trying to warn others was reason enough to misdiagnose you in the first place and then ostracize you for it." 

Yep. That about summarizes it and what you can expect in a DOPL pre-litigation hearing. And I am sorry to have to report this but the panels decisions literally and in all honesty makes about that much sense. (Really- They literally justified my immediate termination based on contact I had made with a third person over a year and a half after said termination. I know you are going to think you read this wrong or that I am being misleading in some way, but I'm not. You may refer to my previous blog entry for more information about that exact third person contact. It will not be hard to prove in court that this contact was made LONG after termination and was NOT what it was misrepresented to be during the pre-litigation hearing) 

It reminded my husband of a scene from Oh Brother Where Art Thou: "So I borrowed it until I did know."

hmmm, now why did the Utah Supreme Court rule that process as unconstitutional? At least that. 

Reaching out vs Calling out

 It is shocking just how bad the medical malpractice really is and how much people can and will deny. 

Today I find myself repeating what seems to have become a necessary mantra: "That which I persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that my power to do so has increased."

But still it is hard which is why I am here... choosing to say all the things I want to say here. 

1st it is shocking what people with titles will condone from their peers and others with titles. Shocking. And how they will condone all of it. They will not even acknowledge that, yes, maybe somethings could have been done differently or better or that there were some mistakes made. It is shocking that they won't even give you that... And disappointing too because then you know you really have to fight because it is far worse than you knew and want to believe... Which again confirms that you are not the only one. 

How in the hell can positive advances be made in treating and diagnosing patients if when medical and psychological providers make mistakes they deny everything and refuse to look at what could have been done differently? 

With IHC, they directly contradicted themselves, distorted evidence, faulted me for believing them and trying to protect them, and they straight up lied about things. They straight up lied about things that made NO sense to lie about. Like 10 minutes to reiterate. Why would they lie about an appointment only being 10 minutes long? and if Dr. He really did only spend 10 minutes talking to me at that last appointment, then HOLY SHIT the mania I was experiencing was MUCH MUCH worse than I knew. And the SUPPER POWERS were REAL!

...which also means Dr. He really did engage in very reckless endangerment and/or, especially considering all of his highly acclaimed credentials, is either shockingly stupid or did something really bad and VERY inappropriate. 

It's scary really. Damn scary... and I wish I didn't know this first hand...

2nd: How the hell do they all sleep at night? or are they really that delusional in their beliefs, values, practices, egos whatever? How the hell do their attorneys sleep at night? Do they actually and literally enjoy bullying victims AND lying to the medical providers? It sure seems and appears that way. And do these attorneys really believe their lies? Do the providers really believe their lies? This is very scary... because the scariest liars are those who believe their own lies...

Since I am saying here what I wish to say, but know I am expected not to, I think I might also let them know I have every right to reach out to people who might know just how bad a person is and how far I need to take this fight. 

Yes, I DID reach out to Dr. He's ex-wife and I am not sure how that all got brought up to him; if she used it against him or if she just let him know that it had happened. If I were to guess based on things Dr. He had said to me I would guess that she used it against him. However, since I now know that He is not honest, cannot be trusted, AND that he said somethings to manipulate me, I might more safely assume that she may have just brought it to his attention. Or she was scared of loosing part of her income (in the form of alimony/child support) if he were exposed for what she knew him to be... Who really knows? Not me because I am not allowed to talk with anyone who could answers these questions. Which brings me back to my point in contacting his ex-wife at all; which can be easily summarized into "seek first to understand." 

When I reached out to her the ONE and ONLY time I did, via Facebook, I did so because I had been put into this situation where I knew things were wrong, that Dr. He had been deceptive and deviant on some level, but I was not sure how deceptive and deviant he was. I DID NOT want to go after him at all. I did not want to file complaints and lawsuits etc. BUT I also knew, especially because of how things were handled and continued to be ignored, dismissed, condoned, etc by IHC, that this guy could be/is a REALLY bad guy. I knew there was/is a chance he really is a grooming psychologist who very cleverly set himself up in the PERFECT position with a very prime demographic of patients, and that he was so good at it, so subtle, calculating, and charming in a self-effacing way, that he may never be caught regardless of how much harm he causes to those of us he chose/chooses to groom. I also know that others aren't as strong as I am. They don't have the experiences, background, etc I do and after knowing how his manipulative practices effected me, I can't even imagine how much worse off other victims would be... I had/have an obligation to protect. But again, I don't want it and I did not want to take on the burden of trying to stop this man. It's a very difficult predicament to be in. But I figured I had to ask and that it was better to ask then to not. Especially if his ex-wife knew he needed to be stopped but was powerless to do so herself. 

So am I bad for that? Is that inappropriate on my part? It is debatable and I, myself, can debate both sides. But if we look at my intentions and reasons for reaching out to her, AND the fact that I tried only once, I will firmly argue that this should not be used against me and it most certainly should not be used to dismiss the malpractice and misconduct that were the reason for my reaching out to her. Especially since it was over a year after I had left his Neuroscience Institute. 

And just in case you want to see that message for yourself here it is: 

"I am sorry to bother you, or I hope that I am not, but I am in a very difficult predicament and moral dilemma that I am struggling to resolve that involves your ex-husband ***. He was my therapist almost 2 years ago. From what he has told me it was when you were going through your divorce. This may have been what lead to his mistakes with me, but I am also aware that he may be far more deviant than I ever wanted to believe. Would you mind talking to me about him? He, or his institution, now have me pegged as something I am not and it has caused significant problems. I am not sure if he intentionally misdiagnosed me to protect himself or if it really was an accident and they, as an institution, just handled insanely poorly but things need to be reported and I am really tired of waiting on lawyers. Plus I don't want to, and never wanted to, be the enemy they seem to think I am or have tried to make me out to be to cover up their mistakes with me. I know if you ask him he will try to keep you from talking with me, as he has done with the people at the Neuroscience Institute and others. He will also try to use it against me. I am not sure why, but even as I type this out I am seeing more and more that I have an obligation to report him... I suppose I really just want to know, and I figure you of all people will know best, just how deviant/manipulative he is? Does he need to be stopped?"

The only thing that was changed was the omission of Dr. He's name as indicated by ***.

Conviction

 Pre-litigation was Wednesday

Something that is very interesting about the medical malpractice DOPL pre-litigation hearing is how top secret they want you to keep them. I had to sign a paper. Having gone through one I can tell you that it is definitely interesting how "private" and "protected" they are. 

It is no surprise and very apparent why the Utah Supreme Court ruled the requirement of obtaining a "meritorious" ruling in order to bring the claim to court as unconstitutional. It is. 

But I am not aloud to take about it. hmmm

What I can say is I went through the process so I could learn and I learned A LOT. One of the most important things I learned was how my brain handled it... Which was not very good. I cannot do what I used to be able to do as far as presenting AND unexpected surprised took a bigger toll than I anticipated. 

I can also say that it strengthened my resolve to keep fighting this and clarified my reasons for fighting. 

Now I am going to get tangential. Or am I?

Yesterday I got to work at my resort teaching snowboarding. I was a bit tired and was willing to be cut if all of us instructors weren't needed. But I was needed. I agreed to take the first time kids. I ended up with 5 boys ages 9-11. 4 of 5 were surfers visiting from Hawaii. Three were related and there together. 

Funny thing about surfing and snowboarding is how similar people think they are. While there are some similarities, the mechanics of how they work are opposite in many ways. For example surfing is back foot weighted and steering while snowboarding is front foot steering and, when you are learning, you have to intentionally weight the front foot in order to make up for the laws of physic that make your body try to stay at rest while gravity and snow pull your snowboard into motion. 

Also edges. Surfers do not feel edges like you do on a snowboard. And on a snowboard you have to feel and use those edges. 

These lively boys were definitely surfers and initially it was a bit of a disaster because of their surfing background -a common occurrence, which is really why it is funny comparison. Needless to say, it was an absolutely exhausting lesson. But I made the best of it, was glad for the chance to practice my compartmentalizing, and we had fun. 

So much fun in fact that the three related boys guardians' tipped me. Very well. 

Then they asked me if I'd be there today and if they could request me. I was not scheduled and I had an appointment. I was also not sure if I had the energy for another day with this rag tag team of snowboarders... But they were great kids and their grandpa and dad were so kind and grateful. I knew I could not do a full day of a kids group lesson, my brain would be far too exhausted, but a private with just the three of them, at only 3-4 hours I could handle. Especially since I get paid significantly better for private requests. So when dad and Grandpa asked to book me I happily obliged.

Today we had even more fun and the boys made amazing progress! I was beaming proud. Then to top it all of I got twice the tip I did the day before. Yes! Such a rewarding day.

But then the day got even better. I got to take my dear sweet TBI survivor friend to pick up a car that some very good people donated to her. It was so awesome to see a company that is part of a large corporation do something so generous. -It's kind of ironic that I am not allowed to publicly talk about that either. At least I am not allowed to tell who donated it, but this time it is not because they are hiding anything or trying to be deceptive, but only because, sadly, they know they cannot help everyone who needs it and deserves help.

In conversing with my dear TBI friend, who was so grateful for the car and so proud of me for standing up for myself and speaking out against the TBI related medical malpractice, I realized that the extra amount I earned from teaching snowboarding these last two days is precisely the amount it will cost to file the medical malpractice claim with the courts.  

Sometimes our paths are made clear. 

And sometimes our tangential is not so tangential after all. 

I may have a lot of work to do. A lot. But I am not afraid of it. I was put here for a reason and I will do my very best to expose what is going on at IHC and the attorney/legal malpractice that we are ALL victims of- patients and medical providers (at least the honest ones) alike. 

Dear Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model,

 Trying to make this as difficult and stressful as possible on me is in fact accomplishing your purpose of causing increased physical harm. 

Which just spurs me on and reminds me why I cannot give up. 

And maybe that is your goal, because my guess, dear Attorney, is that the longer you have me engaged in this fight the more money YOU make-

Does not matter to you the expense or the toll it will have on EVERYONE ELSE. 

Whatever your game, I see through you and I won't be quitting just because you know how to be a mean and nasty bully. 

I'd rather DIE fighting then give in to your malicious-intent. 

Sincerely, 

Defending All Parties from you

Finding my ground.

 It's starting to come together, all of the evidence, lined up with all of the stories being told that don't quite line up. 

And I am feeling good about that. Feeling good about what I am doing and why. Connecting with Renee's inspiration for me for the day:

...but as I work the sneaky devil still connives and I am aware that his hooks planted so deeply inside inside still tear at me just a little. 

It feels a bit like push back of previous phases in the medication balancing act. I feel it in the regions that ignite and excite and I am shocked that there is still some semblance of him associating with the igniting. 

So strange. Humans. Psychology. Chemistry. all of it so very strange. 

But I am also excited to see so much progress and to know how much better I am

Because I did NOT give up and I do not give in when the imbalance of powers are crushing me to maintain and increase their own imbalance. 

 Feeling very subjugated and slot-rattled. 

And I just want to scream at those records: ITS NOT ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED WITH J F*ING P IT'S ABOUT HOW MY BODY RESPONDED 

ITS ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN AND WHY!

ITS ABOUT GETTING APPROPRIATE HELP AND CARE

with something I continued to NOT be allowed to talk about or address... with those who could actually help me figure it out. Because talking it out with others and trying to do all they told me to as far as going elsewhere was getting me nowhere and worse. They needed to correct their mistakes so that others knew how to help me correctly. 

subjugated and slot-rattled in so many ways. 

That was my buried story. 

and that is my dominant story

that they reinforce and dictate with gas powered lanterns and iron-clad fists 

cold calling

 Money and power

those are what win 

and those are the people we listen too

No right and wrong

no standing up for whats right

no defending and protecting 

even your friends.

Money and power

that is who we trust 

and that is who defend .

There are no impartial panels or juries or individuals

We are all partial to

a title

money

power

and ego

and for it

we all lose

at least 

those of us who do not process

the appropriate amounts of 

money and power.

We even lose to ourselves 

as our own financial peers

and even lower rankings

whose job it is

will only "investigate" 

those who transgress 

if they do not possess

the appropriate amount of 

money and power.

Turning a blind eye

to the high

ranking 

titles,

individuals,

and institutions.

Claiming we are

"protecting our interests"

we abandon

our friends

our truths

and our values

as we talk about the atrocities

of other cities.

And then to top it all off

we are expected to graciously thank

for taking the time to so thoughtfully reject us

and making us wrong for asking at all.

Oh thank you

you noble 

deceiver of self