Keeping Busy

 I have been keeping busy by substitute teaching. I'm currently in the midst of a 3-4 week longterm sub job teaching a group of "challenging" 6th graders. It has been challenging, but teaching always is. 

Even when it is not. 

One of the reasons I accepted this job was to test my limits. I want to see if my now-deficient-brain is capable of handling teaching full time. So far the answer is yes and no. It is possible that I technically could do it... but thus far, two weeks in, it is not getting easier as far as my body is concerned. It is getting harder to get up in the morning when I hoped the consistency would make it easier. By the second half of the day the kids are loosing their steam and focus. Which leads to much more noise and off task-ness. In addition to that my brain is becoming more fatigued. It makes it very difficult to remember things and to teach math, which is what this teacher has scheduled for the second half of the day. I also find myself taking things more personally. I try not to let that show, because logically I know, their rowdy kid ways have little to do with me, but I have observed this internal struggle a bit. 

... These are few things I have noticed. I still know what I am doing and am often able to get through to the kids but the depletion is real and if I am being fully honest I do not think my body would be happy with me if I had the additional stresses and time demands of teaching full time...

Which is sad, because, overall, I am a good teacher.

But could I even get a job if I wanted to with that black mark on my record now? The black mark of being criminally charged for my son trying to stand up for me when I was being poorly treated by a disability-discriminating professor?

It's a major stressor. And I have emails about it waiting to be read that are coming from people and institutions I already know I cannot trust. It's more than I want to put my body through right now and it is very unfair. Yet I have their 10 day deadline I am obligated to meet. How convenient for them that they get drag things out for so long, cause so much stress and then put rigid and rather quick deadlines on things. 

I don't have the energy or stamina to read them right now. I don't want to push my body chemistry again when I have so many challenging kids to take care of... so I am instead on here trying to blog it out in order build my courage and strength to faces these things I need to keep fighting. 

And why do I need to keep fighting? https://www.cbs58.com/news/10-year-old-utah-black-and-autistic-student-dies-by-suicide-weeks-after-scathing-doj-report-on-school-district

Bullying is a huge problem in Utah and this is exactly what has been happening with me; bullying. How can we expect kids to stop bullying when the adults in positions of power are bullying as much and as egregiously as they are and nobody that is supposed to does anything to stop it? 

When universities, professors, Office's of Equities, police, prosecuting attorneys/ our justice courts, and even Utah Attorney Generals are bullying and/or ignoring bullying, then how the hell can we expect our kids to stop bullying? 

When our medical providers and their institutions are bullying and ostracizing how can ever hope to end these issues?

It trickles down, all the way to kids. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom and sometimes they are a symptom of being ignored, disregarded, discriminated against, bullied, dismissed, and despised by those we are supposed to trust and those whose job it is to protect us and to educate. 

The story of the little girl breaks my heart on so many levels. 

He and Heh

 I am facilitating an Emotional Resilience group meeting coarse for the next few months. During this time we have action partners that we check in with during the week. The facilitator is involved the same way as the rest of the group. Because we had an unbalanced mix of men and women we decided to make our action partners a trio instead of doubles. Initially the group wanted to switch partner-trios every week but after the first week they all wanted to stick with the same trio for longer. I am not surprised and was fine with the change. However we had to split the family dynamic of my group so we had to rearrange the groups... and I somehow landed in the group with the one person I absolutely did not want to be grouped with.

But it is only because his first name is the same as ex-neuropsych, Dr. He, and it is spelled the same. It seems so ridiculous that this would bother me and I think I am just being silly. It will be fine.

But I am pretty sure there is some PTS happening that may be Disordering me. He, in the group, started the text between me and the other lady. That's great, takes the pressure off of me. But Other Lady does not reciprocate the check in... She reports how she is doing but doesn't ask how we are doing.... It's silly and I know it, so I sit down to text, "and how are you doing with your goals this week He?" It makes me cry seeing "He" like this on my phone. Talking to He. 

I covered my bases by keeping it very impersonal by asking specifically about his goals, not about how he is doing or how his week is going. I feel like I have to direct the message at him to include him... But I can't do it. I can't send the message. So I delete his name and retype, intentionally misspelling it to the more commonly used and more benign form of the name. He with an h- Heh (ha). It's enough of a safeguard and I am then able to hit send. Can I keep this up? Is it okay to intentionally misspell his name to avoid that trigger? Should I tell He this? 

I don't know. But it kind of sucks just how much Dr. He, with the help of his Institution, screwed me up... 

I'm so much better and still improving but sometimes it is still too much... which is probably why I came here next. To process, publish, and move on again. 

Knowing when to fight and when to sleep

 It was so nice to get away and be able to entirely focus on my book. Coming back I went straight to substitute teaching for next three days for a teacher that appreciates me and recognizes my value as a teacher and a person. The kids are great and I have good report with them as well. So that was nice. The weekend I spent with my husband and son and that was nice. 

But now it is back to all the realities looming. Including those that are still unresolved in regards to my academic potential...

I have insurance companies to deal with, attorneys to talk to and to try to talk to and even to take back to court to collet against. I have issues to report in regards to the looming and increasingly perpetuated problems of discrimination, bias, and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" by Utah State University, etc. 

Now really I don't have to try to keep fighting to be heard and treated fairly by USU, I can just move on... But then I have to grieve the loss of my potential, accept/allow egregious forms of prejudice and discrimination, and so much more...

No matter what I do it is hard and not okay and this is all causing me to feel sad and low. I am sad and low and I find myself struggling to do anything... Too many heavy burdens that people don't care to care about.

Discrimination is stifling and so degrading. It is why blacks are still fighting against it. Because they are still be psychologically, socially, emotionally, crushed by it. Sure it might not be as bad and as obvious as it used to be, but it is still there and still too prevalent. It can be messy and hard to discern when it is discrimination or just people being jack asses. It is a far heavier burden and psychological mess to navigate than you will ever know if you haven't experienced it. I feel for the other minorities and marginalized populations.

I feel for me too. I have to. Because it's not fair to expect myself to be okay with all the shit that has and continues to go on and I will never be okay by accepting that I am the shit people are treating me to be. Because I am not. I am more and I know it. 

And this is how I turn it around. How I stay okay and how I keep moving forward no matter how slow and heavy my feet and legs are; no matter how much my brain begs me to allow it to go back to sleep. I will keep moving and I will keep going, even when tears are streaming or just blurring my vision, I won't give in and give up. I will not accept what I have been degraded to and how I have been misrepresented and miss-presented. 

I fight. 

Even if sleep wins again. 

Happy Halloween from Utah State University

 "I will never check myself into a mental health hospital," I tell Dr. She after she reminds me of the option. 

This conversation took place more than a year ago. It was had when I was still stabilizing with the help of accurate diagnosis, medication and my new medical team. I was not entirely in the clear and would still feel push back from my chemistry that had been surging out of control for months. I will admit there were times when I wished to be hospitalized and it would have been wise for my medical providers to have suggested it, even demanded it, and I technically needed it. 

But, as I have said, I am not likely to ever willingly check myself into any kind of mental institution or hospital. Why?

Parable time: Insane Asylums do not have the place they have in creepy, terrifying US Halloween culture for no reason. There are plenty of reasons. But the cold, hard, truth of the matter is, it was not the mentally ill patients that made the asylums terrifying. They may have made them uncomfortable, weird, bizarre, interesting, etc. but not terrifying. What made Asylums and mental institutions truly terrifying is how the  medical providers and staff -those who were regarded as sane, trustworthy and responsible- treated the mentally ill patients. The terror is in how the "stable" and "sane" treated the vulnerable and marginalized people who were as inflicted and in need of help, compassion, and treatment as any person in any regular medical hospital.

The problem I have with "mental" or "behavioral" hospitals, is that I have heard far too many horror stories of how people are treated currently by those who are considered and even highly regarded as stable, sane, and ethical.  So many bad experiences from people when they are broken and at their most vulnerable, injured, and in need of help. I have a heard some good stories but those are few and far between and seem to only be coming from patients who have significant financial resources.

It is a very sad reality I have been reminded of this Halloween season. 

It's even more tragic knowing the horrors USU psychology department, police department, Students services, even the Office of Equities and Disability Resource Center, etc has so needlessly inflicted on my family; the exact people who should, can, and are even paid to know better. Tragic and terrifying that we still allow this kind of crap. 

 

Now let's review

In searching for my poem about Italy (for my book) I found this blog entry that creatively summarizes just how terribly things were handled by Intermountain Health Care and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah. It also gives some insight into how adversely that has effected me. 

To INSI For the Unlawfull Carnal Knowledging to the minds that you do

It was bad. It was really bad. 

But my title made me laugh. Do you get it? 

O what fun

 Taking a break from writing to write 😏

Oh what fun the writing of this story is... 

IT's so freaking crazy... 

I am so very glad that I am finally in a place where reading what I wrote is not triggering. It is so nice to replace Dr. He's name with the fictitious name I chose. It is so nice to be stable and not cycling through that horrible euphoria, those tragically beautiful moments, the relentless ruminations, and all that makes bipolar the fascinating beast of an illness that it is. 

Big Sigh. 

I am so grateful that I was not stuck there forever the way it felt I would be as the misdiagnosing continued and progressed from days to weeks and then into months while I was working so hard to navigate those waters, stay grounded in reality, and stay ahead of the unrelenting pull of manic insanity. 

Our professionals and their institutions still have so much to learn and so many improvements to make... I hope they will read my book when it is done and make those very easy and obvious changes that so desperately need to be made. 

I hope people will listen and hear. 

Now I better go take those miracle working medications that help me stay this way. 

Good night. 

Inspiration for the Ethically Discarded

 I have disappeared from my home and family so that I can focus on writing my book. I'm very fortunate to be able to stay at a family members vacation rental about an hour and 1/2 away from home. It is an ideal set up for me to tackle this book that was writing itself for sometime as I struggled to process and stay ahead of the mania, effects of TBI, and a careless (or deviant) neuropsychologist. 

And, as if to confirm that this is precisely where I need to be and what I need to be working on, I had a chance encounter with a lovely couple from New Jersey this morning. The lady makes a half comment half comment question about the hot spring filled crater we are both admiring. I direct them to the even bigger crater across the road that is quite impressive and should not be missed if you are in the area. Excited to check it out they thank me. I ask where they are from. They answer and then ask if I live here. I say yes, thinking of the state then, correct my mistake explaining that I am from the state but that I live elsewhere and am just here for a writers retreat to focus on writing a book. That then spurs a new conversation which leads to me explaining a bit about the book I am writing. 

The lovely couple has a family member with bipolar, so without my having to disclose that I also have bipolar, they figured out that this was one of the conditions I have and was writing about. The husband is more quiet but the wife expresses interest in reading my book. She asks what the title will be. I forget to tell her what the title is (at this point) as I explain that I am a nobody so it may be hard to get published in a way that will be easy to find with just the title alone. Plus I know the title could change, especially if I actually find a publisher. So I give her this blog address and my name instead so she can find the book easily when I either get it published by a publisher or figure out how to self publish it. 

As I continue on my walk I start to worry about how this blog might be very overwhelming to most people and I realize that I didn't give her the current title as it stands. So I wish to share that and links to articles on this blog that I feel are especially important and that might help people make better sense of this blog and my intentions for writing it.  

The title of my book, as it stands is, "Ethically Discarded." 

Breaking, We all eventually do, Even you

Redefining Crazy 

The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

The Jesus Man

I Walk Alone (what I wish I could teach the world about suicidal symptoms)

Bipolarity: The confusion and effects

https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/09/to-insi-for-unlawful-carnal-knowledging.html

There are more I would like to link to but these are few topics off the top of my head that I think are of crucial importance to this blog and the story and help I would like to share with others. For most, I kept all the blog entry links that showed up in the search so there are plenty of entries to read with those above links. However, I most recommend reading the entries that are first on the link and that have the title I share here. 

And now I need to turn my focus back to my book, but before I do I would just like to comment on the condition of bipolar and why I appreciate that this couple so easily offered up that they have a family member with the condition:

Bipolar is a very misunderstood condition that needs to be talked about a lot more than it already is. We really do need to raise awareness in order to: 1. Combat the irrational fears about it and people that have it 2. Help those who have it manage it better and have access to resources to help them manage this life altering and life threatening condition. 3. Get more research and funding for research on it. 4. Save lives, livelihoods, and relationships. 5. Combat the discrimination, stigmas, biases, etc. that cause very real and tragic problems for many people and that feeds negative thinking patterns and ideas in those who do have the condition.  

Thank you Lovely New Jersey couple for the brief but encouraging conversation and thank you for sharing with me just enough to inspire me today.