Bipolarity -The Confusion and Effects

New neuropsychologist is working to get herself fired. I can tell. And while I’m glad she is (because that is what good therapists do) it makes me a touch sad because I quite like her. Today we talked a bit about what I blogged yesterday. How Dr. He is now tied to my physiology, so when I feel push back on medication or that up excited chemistry, I feel him... I am angry about it and she understands. It's like smells that bring back memories etc. She asks if it has faded at all. Yes, mostly but in the intensity of the chemistry it can bring it all back. A tie that was strengthened over the months of my trying to undo it while they kept tying me to it in the denials and neglect of my chemistry. AN then further nurtured by taboo and forbidden.
I tell Dr. She I don't know how the hell I survived without the medication. She wants me to fill in with new passion. And I have and I am. She asks me "so when are you going to become a therapist?" I love that she asks and how she asks because she thinks I'd be good and she knows I've got a lot to offer but need the credentials to be heard.
I also had her read the letters from the Neuroscience Institute. After reading the termination letter from the entire Neuroscience Institute she explained how communication was probably poor. Obviously.
She tells me they obviously terminated me because they felt I was a liability and she says of the letter, “this is retaliation for opening the investigation.”
But I didn’t even want to open the stupid investigation. I did not understand it. I was doing what I felt like they were telling me to do... trying to follow their rules.
And that makes me wonder if the investigation was the intentional scheme from the get go to justify exactly that; the terminating me from the entire facility. I wonder this especially considering these points:
-I had told the patient advocate multiple times that I did not understand the investigation or the point of the investigation,
-I was refused multiple times in person communication with anyone about it,
-and I even asked them to stop the investigation until I understood better or could explain what I was asking for better, but they did not. In fact, at that point, they changed their tone from "you have plenty of time" to "we need it tomorrow by 9:00am" in an email that was sent late afternoon. The patient advocate, **, even said something to the effect of, "we can't just start and stop the investigation at will."
And then the information they came back with did not even match what I was asking.
The confusion and mess of emails sent to Patient Advocate would have been really hard to decipher. The tears and emotion, the begging for help coupled with the statements of, "I don't want him get into trouble," would have most certainly led to confusion. But they refused me in person meetings with anyone. They refused, once again, to see the very obvious problem: that I was reacting too extreme and something was not quite right with my brain; the point I was trying to make. I needed clarification, and I needed a diagnosis or at least medication and I needed it from those who had present during my breaking, who were the professionals, who had agreed to help me and whom I trusted. I was a fool to trust them, yes, but I was also quite broken and trying to go other places was just contributing to the confusion for me and for them (the other places).
What a fiasco. What an ordeal. And I was trying so hard to play by their rules and understand what it was they were saying and asking.
So here is an important lesson to learn and remember if you are a provider: If ever you have an intelligent patent that has always behaved rather well, but suddenly they are too high and too happy and then significantly confused and confusing, no matter their composure, they are really not right in their brain or their physiology. When they are telling you "I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head." and "I don't know who I can trust. I don't know if I can even trust myself." and if that person just keeps coming back proclaiming their love and their trust, and things like "the message received is I need to be rid of myself" (that one is suicidal, and I really thought they were intelligent enough to understand that) then you should know that they are not stable and medical intervention is desperately needed and it is your responsibility to make sure they get it. 

My daughter illustrated this well
and with her permission I am sharing.

I'll explain. She is in an IB art class and she has to do some projects. One day she texted me a "mock up" for one of her proposed projects. She told me the idea was born from placing a flower cutout over the eye of a face in a magazine picture. She said she liked the imagery and so she started to develop it, not really planning, but letting it evolve. When she finished she told me that to her it represented bipolarity. She asked me what I thought. I love it. And I tell her so. I think it is a great representation.

I do have a little bit of feed back but I think on it for a day or two deciding if it mattered enough to be offered. When the picture comes up in conversation I decide to offer my feedback (or maybe requests) and I say "I want to see the manic side more confident, open and euphoric." Our conversation is sweet but honest, constructive in our acceptance of each other's opinions and I feel, as mom, I have done something right. I am so impressed with this beautiful young lady. She tells my why she does not want to add a slight one sided smile or brighten or broaden the shoulders of the manic side.
First she wants it to be uniform because "there is still uniformity in the two extremes." But what she tells me next takes me a day or two to really understand as she tries to explain the vulnerability and mossy darkness of both sides she is showing. She also says she does not want the bipolarity to be too obvious because it isn't always so obvious and people can and do hide it.
...You would think this girl has witnessed something very interesting to have such profound interpretations... She has.
I see in the picture my pain and her pain and she wants people to see the vulnerability of both sides.
The vulnerability, the exposed, and the trying to cover the raw tragedy that just can't quite be covered up...
Can you see how lucky I am? to have such an amazing friend that happens to be my phenomenal daughter.
And my son I can also thank for profound understanding that has also helped me to survive.
Bipolar or not, manic cannot and will not be denied by these two
and at least I am one lucky mom.

...Not so Alone? in Yet Another of my Trials?

The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...

My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.

If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.

I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.

Inspiration for the Ethically Discarded

 I have disappeared from my home and family so that I can focus on writing my book. I'm very fortunate to be able to stay at a family members vacation rental about an hour and 1/2 away from home. It is an ideal set up for me to tackle this book that was writing itself for sometime as I struggled to process and stay ahead of the mania, effects of TBI, and a careless (or deviant) neuropsychologist. 

And, as if to confirm that this is precisely where I need to be and what I need to be working on, I had a chance encounter with a lovely couple from New Jersey this morning. The lady makes a half comment half comment question about the hot spring filled crater we are both admiring. I direct them to the even bigger crater across the road that is quite impressive and should not be missed if you are in the area. Excited to check it out they thank me. I ask where they are from. They answer and then ask if I live here. I say yes, thinking of the state then, correct my mistake explaining that I am from the state but that I live elsewhere and am just here for a writers retreat to focus on writing a book. That then spurs a new conversation which leads to me explaining a bit about the book I am writing. 

The lovely couple has a family member with bipolar, so without my having to disclose that I also have bipolar, they figured out that this was one of the conditions I have and was writing about. The husband is more quiet but the wife expresses interest in reading my book. She asks what the title will be. I forget to tell her what the title is (at this point) as I explain that I am a nobody so it may be hard to get published in a way that will be easy to find with just the title alone. Plus I know the title could change, especially if I actually find a publisher. So I give her this blog address and my name instead so she can find the book easily when I either get it published by a publisher or figure out how to self publish it. 

As I continue on my walk I start to worry about how this blog might be very overwhelming to most people and I realize that I didn't give her the current title as it stands. So I wish to share that and links to articles on this blog that I feel are especially important and that might help people make better sense of this blog and my intentions for writing it.  

The title of my book, as it stands is, "Ethically Discarded." 

Breaking, We all eventually do, Even you

Redefining Crazy 

The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

The Jesus Man

I Walk Alone (what I wish I could teach the world about suicidal symptoms)

Bipolarity: The confusion and effects

https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/09/to-insi-for-unlawful-carnal-knowledging.html

There are more I would like to link to but these are few topics off the top of my head that I think are of crucial importance to this blog and the story and help I would like to share with others. For most, I kept all the blog entry links that showed up in the search so there are plenty of entries to read with those above links. However, I most recommend reading the entries that are first on the link and that have the title I share here. 

And now I need to turn my focus back to my book, but before I do I would just like to comment on the condition of bipolar and why I appreciate that this couple so easily offered up that they have a family member with the condition:

Bipolar is a very misunderstood condition that needs to be talked about a lot more than it already is. We really do need to raise awareness in order to: 1. Combat the irrational fears about it and people that have it 2. Help those who have it manage it better and have access to resources to help them manage this life altering and life threatening condition. 3. Get more research and funding for research on it. 4. Save lives, livelihoods, and relationships. 5. Combat the discrimination, stigmas, biases, etc. that cause very real and tragic problems for many people and that feeds negative thinking patterns and ideas in those who do have the condition.  

Thank you Lovely New Jersey couple for the brief but encouraging conversation and thank you for sharing with me just enough to inspire me today.