Knowing when to fight and when to sleep

 It was so nice to get away and be able to entirely focus on my book. Coming back I went straight to substitute teaching for next three days for a teacher that appreciates me and recognizes my value as a teacher and a person. The kids are great and I have good report with them as well. So that was nice. The weekend I spent with my husband and son and that was nice. 

But now it is back to all the realities looming. Including those that are still unresolved in regards to my academic potential...

I have insurance companies to deal with, attorneys to talk to and to try to talk to and even to take back to court to collet against. I have issues to report in regards to the looming and increasingly perpetuated problems of discrimination, bias, and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" by Utah State University, etc. 

Now really I don't have to try to keep fighting to be heard and treated fairly by USU, I can just move on... But then I have to grieve the loss of my potential, accept/allow egregious forms of prejudice and discrimination, and so much more...

No matter what I do it is hard and not okay and this is all causing me to feel sad and low. I am sad and low and I find myself struggling to do anything... Too many heavy burdens that people don't care to care about.

Discrimination is stifling and so degrading. It is why blacks are still fighting against it. Because they are still be psychologically, socially, emotionally, crushed by it. Sure it might not be as bad and as obvious as it used to be, but it is still there and still too prevalent. It can be messy and hard to discern when it is discrimination or just people being jack asses. It is a far heavier burden and psychological mess to navigate than you will ever know if you haven't experienced it. I feel for the other minorities and marginalized populations.

I feel for me too. I have to. Because it's not fair to expect myself to be okay with all the shit that has and continues to go on and I will never be okay by accepting that I am the shit people are treating me to be. Because I am not. I am more and I know it. 

And this is how I turn it around. How I stay okay and how I keep moving forward no matter how slow and heavy my feet and legs are; no matter how much my brain begs me to allow it to go back to sleep. I will keep moving and I will keep going, even when tears are streaming or just blurring my vision, I won't give in and give up. I will not accept what I have been degraded to and how I have been misrepresented and miss-presented. 

I fight. 

Even if sleep wins again. 

Happy Halloween from Utah State University

 "I will never check myself into a mental health hospital," I tell Dr. She after she reminds me of the option. 

This conversation took place more than a year ago. It was had when I was still stabilizing with the help of accurate diagnosis, medication and my new medical team. I was not entirely in the clear and would still feel push back from my chemistry that had been surging out of control for months. I will admit there were times when I wished to be hospitalized and it would have been wise for my medical providers to have suggested it, even demanded it, and I technically needed it. 

But, as I have said, I am not likely to ever willingly check myself into any kind of mental institution or hospital. Why?

Parable time: Insane Asylums do not have the place they have in creepy, terrifying US Halloween culture for no reason. There are plenty of reasons. But the cold, hard, truth of the matter is, it was not the mentally ill patients that made the asylums terrifying. They may have made them uncomfortable, weird, bizarre, interesting, etc. but not terrifying. What made Asylums and mental institutions truly terrifying is how the  medical providers and staff -those who were regarded as sane, trustworthy and responsible- treated the mentally ill patients. The terror is in how the "stable" and "sane" treated the vulnerable and marginalized people who were as inflicted and in need of help, compassion, and treatment as any person in any regular medical hospital.

The problem I have with "mental" or "behavioral" hospitals, is that I have heard far too many horror stories of how people are treated currently by those who are considered and even highly regarded as stable, sane, and ethical.  So many bad experiences from people when they are broken and at their most vulnerable, injured, and in need of help. I have a heard some good stories but those are few and far between and seem to only be coming from patients who have significant financial resources.

It is a very sad reality I have been reminded of this Halloween season. 

It's even more tragic knowing the horrors USU psychology department, police department, Students services, even the Office of Equities and Disability Resource Center, etc has so needlessly inflicted on my family; the exact people who should, can, and are even paid to know better. Tragic and terrifying that we still allow this kind of crap. 

 

Now let's review

In searching for my poem about Italy (for my book) I found this blog entry that creatively summarizes just how terribly things were handled by Intermountain Health Care and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah. It also gives some insight into how adversely that has effected me. 

To INSI For the Unlawfull Carnal Knowledging to the minds that you do

It was bad. It was really bad. 

But my title made me laugh. Do you get it? 

O what fun

 Taking a break from writing to write 😏

Oh what fun the writing of this story is... 

IT's so freaking crazy... 

I am so very glad that I am finally in a place where reading what I wrote is not triggering. It is so nice to replace Dr. He's name with the fictitious name I chose. It is so nice to be stable and not cycling through that horrible euphoria, those tragically beautiful moments, the relentless ruminations, and all that makes bipolar the fascinating beast of an illness that it is. 

Big Sigh. 

I am so grateful that I was not stuck there forever the way it felt I would be as the misdiagnosing continued and progressed from days to weeks and then into months while I was working so hard to navigate those waters, stay grounded in reality, and stay ahead of the unrelenting pull of manic insanity. 

Our professionals and their institutions still have so much to learn and so many improvements to make... I hope they will read my book when it is done and make those very easy and obvious changes that so desperately need to be made. 

I hope people will listen and hear. 

Now I better go take those miracle working medications that help me stay this way. 

Good night. 

Inspiration for the Ethically Discarded

 I have disappeared from my home and family so that I can focus on writing my book. I'm very fortunate to be able to stay at a family members vacation rental about an hour and 1/2 away from home. It is an ideal set up for me to tackle this book that was writing itself for sometime as I struggled to process and stay ahead of the mania, effects of TBI, and a careless (or deviant) neuropsychologist. 

And, as if to confirm that this is precisely where I need to be and what I need to be working on, I had a chance encounter with a lovely couple from New Jersey this morning. The lady makes a half comment half comment question about the hot spring filled crater we are both admiring. I direct them to the even bigger crater across the road that is quite impressive and should not be missed if you are in the area. Excited to check it out they thank me. I ask where they are from. They answer and then ask if I live here. I say yes, thinking of the state then, correct my mistake explaining that I am from the state but that I live elsewhere and am just here for a writers retreat to focus on writing a book. That then spurs a new conversation which leads to me explaining a bit about the book I am writing. 

The lovely couple has a family member with bipolar, so without my having to disclose that I also have bipolar, they figured out that this was one of the conditions I have and was writing about. The husband is more quiet but the wife expresses interest in reading my book. She asks what the title will be. I forget to tell her what the title is (at this point) as I explain that I am a nobody so it may be hard to get published in a way that will be easy to find with just the title alone. Plus I know the title could change, especially if I actually find a publisher. So I give her this blog address and my name instead so she can find the book easily when I either get it published by a publisher or figure out how to self publish it. 

As I continue on my walk I start to worry about how this blog might be very overwhelming to most people and I realize that I didn't give her the current title as it stands. So I wish to share that and links to articles on this blog that I feel are especially important and that might help people make better sense of this blog and my intentions for writing it.  

The title of my book, as it stands is, "Ethically Discarded." 

Breaking, We all eventually do, Even you

Redefining Crazy 

The Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model

The Jesus Man

I Walk Alone (what I wish I could teach the world about suicidal symptoms)

Bipolarity: The confusion and effects

https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2020/09/to-insi-for-unlawful-carnal-knowledging.html

There are more I would like to link to but these are few topics off the top of my head that I think are of crucial importance to this blog and the story and help I would like to share with others. For most, I kept all the blog entry links that showed up in the search so there are plenty of entries to read with those above links. However, I most recommend reading the entries that are first on the link and that have the title I share here. 

And now I need to turn my focus back to my book, but before I do I would just like to comment on the condition of bipolar and why I appreciate that this couple so easily offered up that they have a family member with the condition:

Bipolar is a very misunderstood condition that needs to be talked about a lot more than it already is. We really do need to raise awareness in order to: 1. Combat the irrational fears about it and people that have it 2. Help those who have it manage it better and have access to resources to help them manage this life altering and life threatening condition. 3. Get more research and funding for research on it. 4. Save lives, livelihoods, and relationships. 5. Combat the discrimination, stigmas, biases, etc. that cause very real and tragic problems for many people and that feeds negative thinking patterns and ideas in those who do have the condition.  

Thank you Lovely New Jersey couple for the brief but encouraging conversation and thank you for sharing with me just enough to inspire me today. 

Dear Sweet Utah State University+ corrections

 I have a letter from the Office of Equities of Utah State University University. It has been sitting in my inbox waiting for me to read it for a few weeks now. I have held off on reading it because USU has reliably been dismissive, degrading, and has handled this is ways that deny responsibility and that are known to increase stress and harm to a person, which it has and does. Thus having sciatica and then being sick with a kidney infection I have used my better judgement to refrain from increasing stress to my body from the source that has contributed to the medical conditions by inflicting the stresses of injustices and denying any responsibility. 

Today I decided I have to be well enough to get this thing read so I can determine next steps...

The first paragraph is as far as I could make it since the "attached report" is from the Utah State University "Assistant Attorney General" because, "As you know, these cases were sent for review outside of the Office of Equity, based on the allegations of conflict of interest/bias you raised against me and the Office of Equity investigator."

Have you figured out why I had to stop already?

So to review my complaint they sent it to the USU attorneys who, of course, are going to be completely unbiased and work to make sure all parties are fairly and equally represented -my heavy sarcasm with this statement should not be missed in that last statement. 

Of course Utah State University Attorneys are not going to review this fairly. What they will be doing is making sure they get a running head start on any legal action I might take against USU as well as manipulating laws and procedures however they can to reinforce and justify the wrong doing against me and my family. They will increase the harm through definitive statements and manipulating interpretations of laws in order to bully. They are the least likely person at the University (or any place) to review anything in a way that would be fair to both parties. Based on my experiences with attorneys and institutions thus far they are not going to look at and say, "let's see, now, is our institution being fair to this student?" they are going to look at it and say, "let's see, can we get away with what we have done and if appears we cannot, what can we do to either threaten and intimidate this person away or what can we manipulate to ensure that we can get away with what we have done." 

Now while I have not read the letter myself yet, I have had my "process advisor" read it so I do already know some of the denying and dismissing from the letter and it becomes increasingly more evident Utah State University really is and does intend to cause as much harm as they possibly can to me. 

It's so strange to face this and I assure you I am not paranoid or making this up. Instead it is more likely I have increased problems because I have overcompensated for some family members paranoia, suspiciousness and distrust and I have not been paranoid, suspicious and distrusting enough. 

Unbelievable, USU, and increasingly egregious from institutions and people who should know and behave better. 

They are determined to be united in their discriminations, unfair treatment, and straight up wrongdoings against me. I think this might be much harder for me to just accept because of all the lessons I teach to our children about "talking responsibility," "being honest," and "responsible citizenship." Complete contradictions to what we teach and those that are harmed most are those that actually embrace and believe the teachings of our government funded public schools. 

**So upon further investigation I have found that it was not a review by the Utah State University attorney's office but by the Utah State Attorney Generals Office. This makes it a touch easier to attempt to read and from what I have read thus far the "reviewer" is exhibiting significantly less bias and may be fairly neutral but that is hard to tell because it seems as though they have been given partial informations and complaints but I do not know. It seem pretty obvious that I was represented to them by USU in a biased way because there is missing information and/or important points, complaints, issues are not mentioned or intentionally ignored, but, again I do not know what they were give. 

An example to illustrate either me being misrepresented or the Assistant to the Utah Attorney General being biased:  

The report states: "Police investigations involve a unique set of circumstances and are not required to follow a single established procedure; provided, however, that the investigation is ultimately carried out in accordance with the law. Detectives are allowed to rely on a variety of sources, including, but not limited to, information obtained from community members, information obtained from publicly available sources (such as Google, Facebook, Instagram, etc.), and information obtained through the issuance of a valid search warrant."....

..."Specifically, Ms. Saxton believes that Detective Christensen received biased and faulty information that ultimately established a bias against her. This letter makes no attempts to parse fact from fiction; however, it should be noted that the purpose of a police investigation is to do just that. While initial reports may contain inaccuracies, it is a detective’s responsibility to receive any relevant information and investigate the claims made therein. The mere act of receiving faulty or possibly biased information does not, in itself, constitute a discriminative intent on behalf of the receiving official."

I'm too tired and insulted to dissect the absurdity and obvious misrepresentation of the above statements (the way it clearly needs to be for those involved and to in order to stand up for myself) but I will point out that my main complaint against the officer in question was that he failed to investigate the claims made. The officer did not investigate what happened at all, he simply listened to rumors and lies and attempted to find evidence to support those. The Assistant to the Utah Attorney General seems to make it clear that Officer Biased was supposed to supposed to "parse" fact from fiction but he did not do that at all and that is the point. And I resent the assumption that I do not understand that "The mere act of receiving faulty or possibly biased information does not, in itself, constitute a discriminative intent on behalf of the receiving official." NO SHIT GENIUS... and I am getting angry as I, once again, have to sit here and take this kind of debasement... so that is all I can say and do about it today.

A Mathematical Mess continued and finished finally

 continued...

I am a bit distracted by some things I have been hearing and by feeling so much better that I am not sure how well this "continued" will be, so how about I get that off my mind first. (If it were on my chest I'd probably keep it there because I wouldn't mind a few pounds added there ;) 

COVID, -and really it's probably a good lead in- 
I am hearing people say things like, "it is now the pandemic of the unvaccinated," and, "it's all those unvaccinated who are out spreading the Delta variant," etc.
I am also hearing that people who are vaccinated are still getting COVID. Although they are saying their symptoms are much more mild and they are "not the ones getting sick and dying from it." (and I think that is good)
Now here is my rhetorical question for you: Isn't it more likely the virus is being spread by those people who aren't sick enough to know they are sick, or that don't think they are sick because they have been vaccinated, than it would be by those who are "so much more sick, in hospitals, and dying?"
My hope is not to increase divisiveness, rather to get people thinking about the divisions, how they are effecting each of us personally, and how that is effecting the way we speak of and treat others.
When I look at the big picture I find myself believing that the prolonged mass hysteria has created far more problems then it has solved.

There of my chest mind... -hmm, maybe this is why my cup size is what it is? Bad joke, but I think I'm funny, so I'm leaving it. 

Let's see, where did I leave off. um I think I need to go back and reread. I will return... 

oh yes,  

Monday, as in 5 days ago, I am sick. I had to cancel the next 2 days of a 4 day substitute teaching job. This makes me sad, but everything hurts, especially my abdomen area and the fever is hovering between 101-102. I am now wondering if all of the drugs are causing ulcers. My husband suggest I take an Omeprozal, an antacid that is "sure not going to hurt anything." I am reluctant, but decide it's probably a good idea. So I stay home, mostly in bed, drink lots of water, sleep most of the day, eat what I can and what I dare, keep shivering in check, and monitor my temperature closely (because I am not taking anything for it). "Did I mention cloudy urine?" I don't remember... My brain is struggling with focus.

The fever never breaks and my abdomen still hurts enough that I question if I should even take my Seroquel (mood stabilizer) that night. I opt for about half the regular dose and sleep. I sleep surprisingly well and the sciatic pain in my leg has eased up to the best it had been since the onset. But, with the exception of the lessoned leg pain, the next morning, I still have a fever and all of the aches, pains, and other symptoms. "Should I go in? Should I wait? Go in? Wait?..." and "who should I go see." 

I opt to go into my primary care doctor but, long story short, they are so concerned about it being COVID that they do a virtual car appointment from the parking lot. Even though I have the results of the COVID test and it is the PCR test that Dr. says is more accurate, she worries I was tested too early. She wants to do another test. That is fine, but for them it will take at least 24hrs to get the results and there is other stuff going that I'd like them to consider. 

She decides to prescribe two antacids for what sounds like peptic ulcers but insists this does not explain the fevers so she reluctantly decides to have me come in and give a urine sample after they do the COVID swab. I ease her mind by assuring I'll double mask. I tell her I have two pre-diabetic sisters and, at my sisters request, I ask if they can check for that. All test's done I am leave and await to hear the results. Sever hours later the MA calls to let me know that there is in fact evidence of infection so they are sending urine for more testing and the doctor wants me to start on an antibiotic. I ask about blood sugar and to my relief that is fine. It's most likely a UTI she tells me, the further testing will tell more. I actually have to look it up to know that UTI means urinary tract infection because I have never had one before. Looking it up, I learn they can be bladder or in the kidneys and from what I read, mine is definitely a kidney infection if it is a UTI. 

That night, with dinner I take the one antacid, Sucralfate, that the pharmacy filled and the antibiotic, Ciprofloxacin Hydrochloride, with dinner and then my regular dose of Seroquel at bedtime. Going to sleep I have weird hallucination style dreams that are not good. At one point I think I am having seizure-like convulsions, but my husband said I didn't move. Are these lucid dreams? Bad dreams, or hallucinations? I am not sure but I have to keep pulling myself out of them and trying to alert my husband to pull me out. He touches my arm and I am awake/normal awake again. I tell him I need him to keep one hand on me. He puts his hand sweetly on my shoulder but the sleeve of my t-shirt prevents skin to skin contact. I need skin contact I tell him so he keeps a hand on my arm. This is enough to keep me grounded and I am able to fall asleep into normal sleep for the remainder of the night. 

This is an interesting thing to me. I have experienced this phenomenon before, and I find it fascinating. My theory is that the electricity omitted from another person can literally help ground the misfiring electricity happening in the person (me) that is experiencing some sort of chemistry imbalance. I am grateful my husband is there and can tolerate the adjustment to his sleeping position long enough to get me back and keep me back until my body is able to settle into a safe normal sleeping cycle. 

The next morning I feel like garbage. The fever seems a little better but I still feel terrible. With breakfast I take both of the new meds again and Tylenol and resolve to read the pharmacy info when I can. As terrible as I feel I have to get to my appointment with the orthopedist. He is nice and says while it all may be linked there is not anything he can due until the infection is taken care of. I forget the name of the medications. I can hardly think until the Tylenol kicks in, which has been taking about an hour and a half. He says it's okay that I don't remember although in hindsight I wonder if he would have questioned the antibiotic chosen. He was a bit surprised they did not draw blood. He double checks my neck just to be sure and makes sure I understand that meningitis is not entirely off of the table yet. I am glad to have him that day. Two weeks and I'll followup, make sure things are healing in the right direction. He directs me to be sure and follow up with my primary care provider about the infection, whatever it may be. 

Later I get a notification from Costco pharmacy that my other antacid prescriptions is filled. Oh, crap, now I really need to read, because I was not so sure about taking the one I did, but did because it I thought the Dr. had reduced it to only one. Why this makes sense... no time to explain and probably it mostly doesn't but my brain was not functioning 100%. 

That afternoon, I finally feel well enough to tackle the currently heavy and difficult task of reading pharmaceutical papers. I read the antacid stuff first. A few things concern me and it is the one I don't necessarily need to take so I decide I won't take that unless the ulcer symptoms worsen. However, I am a little bothered that it so adamantly states you should not take this with other medications because it prevents the absorption of other medications. "Great," I think as I realize I most certainly would not have gotten the full dose of the antibiotics I had swallowed at the exact same time. I am a bit annoyed that neither the doctor nor pharmacist had pointed this fact out. However, my annoyance quickly turns to relief as I read the headline warnings of Ciproflaxen that include tendon problems, nerve and nervous system problems... What the @#%*?! Now I know there are a ton of different antibiotics, why on earth would the doctor prescribe the one that starts with warnings of the exact issues that were the catalyst of this whole mess in the first place??? I am sure she knows that sciatic is a nerve problem and I did explain that my foot is still numb. 

Now I am a mess again and not sure who to call at all. I don't trust that doctor because she was clearly too concerned about COVID. I reach out to my psychiatric PA, because I trust her when it comes to medications and I don't know what else to do. It is getting close to her closing time and she is busy but the receptionist will get her the message. I call the family care provider office too and am able to talk to the MA I had seen (for the COVID swab, finger prick, and to lead me to the bathroom). She is not super helpful and suggests I "just take it until we know the results of what type of infection." Fortunately she is going to get a message into the PA on staff right then, but warns me I'll only hear back from him if he is comfortable addressing my issues, otherwise I have to wait until tomorrow what the Dr doctor is in. Whatever. "Oh," and "what about the COVID test," I have to ask. It's negative. Of course.

The PA on staff is not at all unnerved by taking on whatever my issue is after all he does work full-time at the well known IHC hospital nearby. I am jaded not impressed, but I don't tell him so, rather I think a jaded little less of the IHC facility because this PAC has to have a second job. I ask about the medications. He explains, it's a heavy hitter and for as sick as I am I need a heavy hitter. At least they are recognizing that I am very sick for me. He agree's it's most likely a kidney infection and he explains those other antibiotics won't even get to the kidneys or something like that. 

"Okay, but I am not okay with this medication."

It is a bit of a lengthy discussion about it and I do understand what he is saying but I also know I already have nerve damage from the hip surgery and a current significant nerve problem and I am just not willing to take the risk with this drug. Plus, the weird hallucination stuff and the fact that I have had tendons injuries and operated on recently ... nope too risky. I have to explain that I have been misdiagnosed enough times in the last few years that I have learned to trust my gut on things and this is one of those times that I have to trust my gut. When he realizes I will not take anything until we get the results if he doesn't change the medication he finally is able to think of an alternative he feels is heavy hitting enough and that does not have those same possible side-effects. It's called sulfamethoxazole. He seems to think it is an even heavier hitter, but none of the side-effects he knows off sound like anything I can't handle. "I'll take it," I agree. 

When I pick it up from the pharmacy I carefully drill the pharmacist. Nope, no problems he insist. He tells me he thinks this is a better medication. It has none of those well known significant potential side-effects of the ciproflaxen and its a better medication he assures me. Satisfied (and I will admit a bit validated) I let him get back to his dealings. 

The next morning I still wake up with the pounding headache but the fever has finally broke and I am starting to feel better. 

It's absolutely amazing to me how well and quickly antibiotics start working when they are needed and I am glad to have them. But, to date, I still haven't heard anything on the "further testing."

So here are the things I have learned: As mentioned in the first half of this story, you really need to trust your gut and be your own advocate right now in the medical industry. Later my mom explained, before she knew what I was taking, that she was certain Levaquin was what caused her neuropathy. When I did tell her what I was taking she was so glad I had trusted my gut because it's in the same family. I am glad too, but it is kind of a shocking oversight for a medical provider to make. While I will admit I find it frustrating and annoying that doctors are so focused on COVID they are missing other problems I am aware of the stress they are under and, like the going-on-13-hours urgent care doctor, they are over worked right now. So I can be patient with that. 

But probably the most important thing that I learned is that I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I am so glad to know this. I can now positively and confidently state that those symptoms, when they happen, are not coming from me. They are not what I believe or what I want. They are not my thoughts and thinking. They are simply symptoms of illness and the ills of society. I know this because I did recognize that, if I truly wanted an out, this was a very good opportunity for that. But I did not want that out. I want to live and I know I still have a lot left to do and a lot I can do. Between this near-enough experience and the heartbreaking loss of my dear friend and mentor -who has always had confidence in me- that ended up passing away on my deceased younger brother's birthday I feel a renewed lease on life and confidence in my goals. 

First thing? File a lawsuit against those who are (amoung other things) discriminating, encouraging discrimination, and causing emotional distress when they know they are. Why? Because that is one step in the right direction, one voice, one person speaking up and saying: If we want to change the number of suicides in this country we have to STOP treating people this way and stop allowing people to be treated this way. Especially by those within the fields of psychology, education, and medicine and within our justice systems.    

Now I am not sure if I have covered all I wanted to or more than I meant to, and for whomever has been reading and anticipating, I apologize for the delay but now I bid you good day.