Celebrating The Long Lonely Highway

I wrote this post while driving on Sunday 8/23:

"A lot can happen in a year." 
This is what I am thinking about as we are driving home from Saint George.
As I am contently riding with my husband, two kids, and the dog along the long lonely highway I am reminded of the drive I did alone, from Saint George to Provo for the Brain Injury Alliance Conference almost one year ago. As we pass a particular exit, I remember how I had to pull off and pull over to prevent my foot from turning into lead

in an effort to quiet the noise that was in my head.

…I remember, in desperation, knowing that I was not safe in that moment that I had to do something. But aside from pulling over, I didn’t know what to do. I turned off the car and got out of the sleek silver bullet -weapon of self-destruction- I was no longer safe enough to be operating. Tears streaming, I started walking away and into the hills of cedar and sage.

Now, as we drive pass that spot I tear up a bit as I remember this and I recognize just how far I have come. My heart swells and the tears well up higher as I remember CP’s sweet and sincere response to me as I walked through the shrubs talking with her on the phone. It was a wise decision, to phone a friend, and I feel especially blessed to have a friend like CP who knows me well enough and loves me enough to respond with so much love and such sincere concern.

She talked me down and she reigned me in. She reminded me of who I really am and that I matter. She loved me enough to know that I was in real trouble and stayed with me for as long as I needed.
Which, ironically, is always so much less time than one might expect when the love and concern is sincere.
…and I am in full tears now as I remember this and as I am so keenly aware of how far I have come and how well I am doing now.

I am so very grateful
That I am here
Alive and well
And So eternally grateful
For all the beautiful angels that have helped me get here:
CP
Dr. She
Psychiatric PA
My husband
My kids
My sister
Another sister
Physical Therapist Doug
Renee
Oriant Coach J
CS from Quora
Neighbor friend J
A few other neighbors
Neighbor friend’s mother-in-law
Bob
M
R
D
Ski friends
Little angels here and there

And I am meeting more.
…And myself. I need to credit myself as well because, as Dr. She has pointed out, I never gave up, I kept trying and working to find the right help very much on my own when I should not have been left alone with that task… and she is right, I did save my own live by doing this. I loved me enough to keep fighting for me even when I was losing me and losing with me. That is why I needed to find and recruit others, I was losing against me and I needed back up.
And that is how it works 

that is how you win in the fight against Suicide.
You keep fighting and you get back up.
That is how you beat mania and the crashes that follows.
You keep fighting and you find the right help.
And that is how you get ahead of your TBI
You keep going, you keep trying, and you find the people you need to help you figure it out

…and if the first group fails you or, even worse, betrays you,
you keep trying, you keep fighting, you keep getting back up and
You do it all again… and again 
Choosing to trust again even when you don’t
…Maybe this time trusting yourself more than those that you are entrusting yourself with, and trusting a bit more carefully, but choosing to trust none-the-less.

And I would end there but I feel it so important to point out that the first and critical ingredient needed for this recipe of success is: recognizing that suicidal thoughts are a symptom -not the problem nor the solution, but a symptom.

Once you recognize suicidal thoughts, feelings, ideations, surges, short circuits, or however it is manifesting, as a symptom, then you can start getting to the bottom of what is causing the symptom and what you can do to change the underlying problems.

Some things are worse than COVID

Last week I cried for the first time about all of the COVID 19 crap. I am so tired of all the nonsense and fear mongering. I am so annoyed with how our kids are being treated and how blown out of proportion this virus is. 

I am tired of being treated and people being treated with so much aggressive malice if you differ from the fear driven expectations of the mainstream media. I am so tired of people saying crap about "protecting their loved ones" and how you don't care about peoples lives if you try to point out that we cannot stop the spread and we need to develop herd immunity. I am so tired of the hate and fear. I am so tired of the lack of common sense and abuses being justified and excused in the name of COVID. 

It is starting to wear on me.

I am now powerless to stand up for my children rights to attend school and be treated fairly. 

I am not keeping a calm demeanor in talking to ignorant and irrational facilitators of their educational facilities. I am tired of people, "just following guidelines" and orders...

We are no different than the Nazi's... 

and I felt that when I read Viktor Frankl's book before this whole COVID nonsense. It is becoming more clear how true this is.

I don't want to go into how my daughter is being expected to quarantine and not allowed to participate in school activities because on of the girls on her Pom team tested positive for COVID even though my daughter does not actually meet the criteria for coming in contact with someone who has tested positive. I don't want to write about how the coaches that decided all of the girls should be quarantined, that had the same or greater contact with the virus, are NOT being quarantined and are, and have been, participating in and attending the school events they are not allowing our children to attend... Activities that these girls have been getting up at 5 am and working hard to prepare for through out the summer. 

I am angry. 

and it is wearing on me...

my ability to self modulate this anger when talking with these ignorant and irrational lemmings is feeling very compromised...

I know how this whole COVID crap is being handled is not good and is very unhealthy. I know this because it is starting to interfere with my stability... it is causing symptoms that I know mean something is off and unbalanced. It is even surprising me with the creeping in of suicidal feelings and responses. 

... so what do I do about that?

I'll not join the fear of the masses. Then I die for sure. In life or livelihood, very possibly both. 

Maybe we need a resistance army 

Tough putty?

 My head is feeling somewhat heavy and tired. The weight of worlds is pushing me into the ground...

"You are not making it up," says Dr. Sweet when I tell her I feel so delicately balanced.

I am so very grateful that I am doing so well and the weight I am feeling right now I am certain all would and/or are feeling. Some of it is from all the insanity surrounding this whole novel COVID 19 and trying to parent through this madness, while another portion of it is from the weight of change I feel resting on my shoulders as I try to navigate the path that has been placed in front of me. 

I am trying to take classes in psychology this up coming semester to help me down the path that can ultimately lead to the big changes I know are needed within the industry of psychology. The changes to policies and practices that are meant to address and handle situations of countertransference. 

I wish this idea had solidified itself a bit sooner since school starts in just a few days so I am now scrambling to see what I can make happen. I am feeling the heavy weight and wondering if it means I am trying to bite off too much too soon... 

And I am not sure if the sense of urgency I feel is helping me, or hindering by magnifying the weight. 

Life

Such a nonstop adventure and such a wild ride.

I am sure glad I have the one that I have

because even when things are boring

I am not bored.

And I am so very lucky to have the heavy burdens that I have. Heavy, but interesting, and not nearly as devastatingly destructive as those that I know of that far too many sweet soles have had to endure. 

Renée says, "we chose tough." But I know I am only as tough as spun glass in comparison to her and I am not so sure I chose any of this at all. ... but I suppose I choose tough on a regular basis too even if, right now, as my body is feeling the weight of my head pressing it down into the ground like it's putty, I might just choose sleep...

Dr. Tangled vs. Dr. Sweet

 Sometimes I wish to leave some blog entries up, as the most recent, longer. But then some new develop begs to be written about or written out, then the last just does not stay in that position as long as I'd like it too...

This morning I had the follow up with neurologist #3. This is the one whose company does not take my insurance so I will have to pay significantly more for her because she is out of network. But Dr. Odd does not treat TBI and does not want to and Dr. Tangled was a complete jerk.  

Where she kept repeating, "you have to untangle that mess before you even start climbing the mountain," and "you haven't even started doing anything," new neurologist was saying, "you are probably misunderstood a lot."  And where Dr. Tangled, proclaiming that it was due to the location of my brain injuries, proceeded with condescendingly lecture me for at least 5 of the 20 minute appointment about how I did not respect time boundaries; while on the other hand, Dr. New Neurologist told her receptionist that the 15 minute slot they scheduled me for was not enough, it needed to be a 45 minute slot and she was sorry the next patient will have to wait but she needed to allow that amount of time for me. 

She did not lecture me for her or her office staff's shortsightedness and she recognized that I needed more time due to my injuries and the mess of misdiagnosis that followed.  

Then to top it all off, after actually pulling up and looking at my MRI with me she praises me for how well I am doing considering the location and extent of my injuries. She tell me I am doing so well and explains very briefly how bad of shape so many people are with injuries like this. 

She sees me and I feel validated. I am so grateful for this lille bit of praise because deep down I know I have done well, but unfortunately I have to often been discredited for doing well, as if I were making it up... Though I did not tell her this I suspect this may be why, unprompted, she told me a few times "you are not making this up."  I suppose it like I have stated before, "you know someone is really good at something if they make it look easy." She can see that. She gets that. 

Obviously she is the one who is worth paying for. 

...and she needs a better/shorter name than Dr. New Neurologist... Maybe Dr. Sweetie because that is what she referred to me as so many times and she is very kind herself... But that does not fit quite right... Dr. Sweet? Dr. Kind? Dr. Hallelujah-Praise-the-Lord-finally-someone-who-is-actually-listening-and-cares.... 

I think Dr. Sweet. I am really glad to have found her. She is helping me untangle. Finally I have a neurologist who has taken the time to explain the TBI and whose professional opinion and treatment is not being swayed by the mistakes and intentional defamations strategically placed in my medical records by my ex-providers at the Neuroscience Institute. 

It was never a concussion. That is now confirmed -Dr. Tangled in the first follow up looked at me as if I were crazy for even asking if it had been a concussion, stating very clearly that it has never been a concussion, but then in the next appointment lectured me for getting hung up on semantics when I ask for clarification about it again because, for some reason, she started referring to it as concussion in that appointment. I have this recorded, I'm not joking. My husband recorded both sessions to help me with comprehension and remembering. He said, "I am so glad I have that recorded because that was unbelievable." 

It is sad how hard it is to find good providers to help you understand and navigate brain injury. It is terribly sad and rather disturbing that too many providers who claim to be experts on the subject or claim to know how to help are bias, discriminatory, and judgmental themselves toward us...

I am glad to have found Dr. Sweet and I am glad to finally know what happened and what was and is really going on with my head. It was not a concussion, the location of the injury explains a lot, and a lot of what was being denied by the the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute. the Neuroscience Institute, brain specialists, who never even ordered an MRI or anything else when they absolutely should have considering my history, my job as a snowboard instructor, and the evidence of symptoms that were manifesting so many times while I was under their care. 

... and some words repeat in my head "do good to those that spitefully use you" 

Nothing comes from the malpractice path they push you down so maybe I will have to find some other way to educate and inform those that spitefully used me there. They absolutely deserve to loose licenses; and not because of me, but because of how they treated and handled me, because of their actions. They absolutely should be shut down for handling any patient the way the handled me... But I see this is not going to happen. So, then, how does one help them see what they absolutely need to see in order to help and not harm other people like me?

Covert Narcissists

 I have made some new friends through this very bizarre journey. Friends that are far away and friends that I have not met in person, but friends non-the-less. 

Some have uncanny similarities to my malpractice situation that are shocking and appalling. One such friend mentioned covert narcissism to me. This friend wonders if my ex-therapist, Dr. He, might be a covert narcissist... I know enough about narcissism but I am not super familiar with the term "covert narcissist." I can assume a general idea. At friend's suggestion I look up the term and find this article: covert-narcissist  . I immediately find myself laughing out loud at this:

 "Covert narcissist is a term to describe a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but does not display the grandiose sense of self-importance that psychologists associate with the condition. They may appear shy or modest."

 ...because it fits so well right off the bat. 

Now, I really don't know if Dr. He is a diagnosable narcissist but so much of the article really does fit. His voice starts replaying: 

"I told you not to try and solve this." 

"You only see what I allow you to see."

"I don't care about the problems on the other side of the world."

"I don't believe in forever anymore."

"You wanted the best," he teases when I go back to him and ask him to be my therapist.

"I don't do well with blurred boundaries." An attempt to blame me for the boundaries he blurred?

"I've tested your brain in ways you don't even know." 

"This is gold."

"You don't know the other side of things."

"I'm going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."

"We don't want to encourage dependance" said with apathy as I tried to answer how I felt about him "breaking up with me." Barely able to eke out through my tears that I was "not sure if I am going miss talking to you, or if I am just not ready to go it alone." 

His apathy as he wrote "mourn losses" and flatly suggested, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," in response to my concern that I may not be able to return to teaching. 

... and other things. 

Back to the article. 

I read this: "The term comes from the Ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell in love with his reflection."

I remember this story but as I read this a plethora of puzzle pieces light up in my brain.... mirrored masks, projection, reflection, deflection, transference, countertransference, "It was never about you," (said by Dr. She) I needed to learn to love myself, His words: "only what I allow you to see" "you wanted the best" "because of how easily we connected" "my life is very complex" "I connect easily with people but it's never been a sexual thing" "blurred boundaries" "you love me?" "why are you a stalker?"...  my attempts to clarify that were not received. The accusations that I behaved "inappropriately" and of twisting words. The continued assumption that I was there pursuing him when I was not... the slander and defamation in my records, the denials of all mistakes and the unwillingness to even apologize. The lie "I would always want to protect you." and even his death sentence of "I will never have anything to do with your outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you." 

He was in love with his own reflection. 

Not with me. 

Nor I with he? That is a question... I know and openly admit that part of my transference was learning to love myself through loving him. So he was a mirror for me. Therapists often are. So I know that some of what I loved about him was simply my own reflection. It was how I was learning to love and accept myself. 

So was I the Narcissus in this story? Was he? Or were we both? 

I was trying to protect him even at expense to me. ...And my heart hurt, until I was back to him. I asked Dr. She about this: Why it was? How this was possible? 

"because you did genuinely care for him," she tells me. 

The article suggests, "Anyone can behave in a narcissistic way at times. However, someone who displays highly narcissistic traits consistently across all situations may have NPD." So I think I am not likely a narcissist and I most certainly did not behave narcissistically in my trusting them, loving them, forgiving them, and asking for their help, clarification, and expertise with figuring out was going on with my head. 

But what about Dr. He?

Is he a covert narcissist?

OR

Does the industry create covert narcissists? Do the rules, attitudes, and current policies turn good people, good therapists, into covert narcissists? 

Or was I lucky enough to find a man who already was and has found his perfect place to play and practice, to exercise his dominance and superior intellect?

  

Hold on tight, it's a wild ride, that we all would rather hide... which is exactly why we should not!

 Time to blah blah blog again. Vomit. Of mental processing and emotions. 

Vomit because that is what I feel like doing whenever I go back and read My Self Discovery Report, written in the days of my manic probation... 

I want to vomit because I was sick. Literally sick. Broken brain in more ways than none as my previous diagnosis suggested. Broken and crying for help again and again while my symptoms were being disregarded, dismissed, downplayed, and ignored all because Dr. He, the man who either caused it, contributed to it, and/or (at very least) should have caught it and helped me get appropriate help and care, was worried about covering his ass because he had made mistakes and/or he just might be a grooming psychologist. At very least, "he played with fire" according to most, if not all, of the professionals I have spoken with since.  

He plays with his patients. 

and the result is shit like this taken from My Self Discovery Report, written on 11/20/2018: 

 "7:36 am: I had to take olanzapine. Because this surging of chemistry is becoming too much to bare and I am feeling as though we are either a deeply connected soul mates who will only suffer if we deny the connection or that I am truly mentally ill, on the verge of a break, and I am working hard to keep it in check."

Can you see why I feel like vomiting? Can you see Why it is so damn disturbing that they dismissed and denied the mania? 

I even tried to share these insane processings with him. I had it all printed so he would not miss it. I had sent emails because I needed it to not be missed. 

This kind of breaking is hard to manage PERIOD. Imagine then if the professionals, the ones who are trained to know, are telling you that you did not break, you were not manic... then that means they are saying that intensely deep connection is real...>insert vomiting emoji<

It is no surprise to me that Lori Vallow Daybell went crazy enough to do, and be party to, all the insane things she did after she was documented to be "just fine" by the psychologist that evaluated her after her ex-husband fought to have her evaluated. The ex husband -who she later had her brother kill- the brother who then later died of a "heart attack" though he was in his thirties. No doubt she was diagnosed as "fine" because the assessing providers do not recognize their own bias and ignorance. 

Our providers need to stop with their stigmatizing and biases. Smart, attractive people can become mentally ill. Mental illness is not exclusive nor is it a respecter of status, intelligence, success, etc. And people who have mental illnesses are not immediately, obviously, or completely out of control. We can manage through a lot and for a very long time. But beware of what is being fed in the mentally ill mind. With stigmas, prejudice, judgements and misconceptions being what they are, more often than not the immortal manic minds are being fed an overwhelmingly negative and detrimental diet of ideas and treatments. 

...sigh...

And I will expose what I was, because what I was, was not okay but striving to be... and doing so with a whole lot of opposition and outright betrayal from those that had been sanctioned to be my champions!

Maybe I am more intelligent than doctors and maybe I actually know better than they do.... At very least I deserve to be commended because I actually made it through that shit! 

Without any suicide attempts

 or hospitalizations

 and family still in tact.

 No small feat, thank you very much!

 In all honesty and humility, I find the statement from my writings extremely embarrassing and I would rather keep that sh*# hidden, but I am not going to. I am rebelling and I am speaking out, because this kind of crap, that I endured, I am learning more and more is FAR TOO COMMON and happening to sweet and tender people that have endured far worse than I have. And that is NOT OKAY. 

I will not hide. I will not be quiet about it. I will keep getting back up and I will keep speaking. I will work and I will fight and I will not quit until real changes that actually help and protect patients happen.  

I will keep working to be the change I wish to see in the world. 

The Perceptive Intuit

When I was in jr. high and high school the last day was yearbook signing. You would pass your yearbook around and people would write nice things and sign their name. I am not sure if this is still a thing. I wish it were everywhere the way it was in my high school, because then, if ever you need a reminder of who you really are, you can go back to your high school yearbook and read what people wrote about you. 

I don't know how I ever became as broken as I was when so many great people liked me as well as they did in high school. 

"I love to talk to you because you are so thoughtful and sincere," were the exact words from one casual friend but also a common theme in many of the comments. 

I am grateful for those friends and classmates.

I was also told, by boys, that I was attractive more times than I ever would have guessed... And this makes me also wonder why my perceptions of my attractiveness were so low. 

Perceptions are weird. And how we perceive ourselves can be so distorted by so many factors. How we perceive others can also be. 

...and maybe this is a segue into the thoughts I have had about TBI and the silver linings of it...

"You are very intuitive," says Dr. He, and I am, but I don't think he fully understood what was happening and why. 

The very condition that brought me to him is what is catching him in his games, deception and/or the mistakes of a broken man who has lost objectivity. 

I am intelligent. I always have been. I have really good genes for intellect. In elementary school I was invited to be in a "gifted and talented" class for accelerated learners. I felt like it was a good thing for me because school was very easy and I was rarely challenged in the regular classroom. The program I attended was from 4th to 6th grade, after that we were are dispersed back into our regular boundary junior high schools. 

Midway through my 7th grade year is when I took that first blow to my head. The one that we know bled about the size of a quarter on the left side as seen by CT scan. 

The rest of that school year I struggled in school. Truthfully, I was a bit too out of it to even know that I was struggling. However I do know school most certainly became more challenging in ways and more than I realized then. However, since I still had above average intelligence, after that school year, people did not catch on to my issues and I was not given any form of added assistance. I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. Good thing I am smart.

Actually I am not sure what it is in me that helped me figure things out as well as I did on my own but according to the documented observations of my peers as found in my yearbooks, I was "determined." Which is so cool that they noticed that about me because I didn't. It is just how I was. I also earned the nickname of Tenacious at one point, so I must have been.

So being determined and tenacious I learned some pretty good tricks and one of those was intuition.

A theory: After TBI my brain did not work the same. It couldn't since part of it was gone. So I had to adapt and my brain had to find and establish new neuro-pathways. I believe intuition was one of those.  I often could not remember what I needed when I needed it -like on tests- but I found that if I relaxed my mind and went with my gut, more often than not I would get the correct answer. So even though I could not recall the information the same I could trust my intuition to help me. I am not sure when exactly it clicked but it is something that I realized and then utilized. And I still do.

Another silver lining to my broken brain: 

Remember that I have said, "I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time" And that TBI has effected mood stability. 

I also learned from sources like the book, "A Parents Guide to Gifted Children" that highly intelligent people can be more sensitive to nuances and injustices. I was in that boat even before the TBI. 

Add that to TBI locations that effect mood stability, language recall, impulse control, and other such things, and you get a person who can be rather psychologically sensitive. 

I'll try to explain.

We are all influenced by our surroundings and situations. We are influenced by all that we are exposed and subjected to. Whether it be school, television, family, whatever. Sometimes we call it "culture" sometimes we call it "entertainment" or "religion" etc. Sometimes we want to believe that we are not effected at all. But I am effected much more obviously due to those areas of my brain being damaged. Thus my polarity is much more obvious. I also have a healthy imagination and I may be a bit of a visionary idealist. So when I watch a feel good movie I can be moved to mania, or rather hypo-mania. And if I am subjected to bad things it is very clear, very fast, how bad they really are because of how they effect me. My mind and body will rebel and repel and/or I will go dark real fast. It is then very easy for me to see that things like pornography are not just wrong but evil. 

Because I have to be so much more careful about what I allow in, in order to maintain balance, I actually have a huge advantage to understanding and knowing when external things are out of balance and unhealthy. 

-I believe this is why I am so frequently regarded as perceptive and intuitive. -

It is much easier for me to avoid "slippery slopes" and the sneaky subliminals that we are bombarded with everyday. Ulterior motives, smoke in the glass, contradictions, hypocrisies, and conspiracies become much easier to spot simply because of how my body very obviously responds. I'll spot them and point them out before I even know I am. 

Yet, because I know what it is like to be me and not me at the same time, I think I am much more forgiving than people understand. I am also much more open to conversation about it, and not nearly as intimidating as my emotions might project. I can be passionately angry or excited and that seems to scare people, yet I am so often the bridge spanning the gap because I can calm and connect both sides with forgiveness and compassion. Maybe because I know how desperately we all need that. 

Dear Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,

Try me. 

Step out onto this bridge. You have built and prepared your defenses well so you are already anchored with ropes and harnesses. You have the wings and the power to use them, you have the safety nets, emergency parachutes, and life preservers in the event that a bridge is not solid and falls out beneath you. You have nothing to fear except fear itself so stop hiding, stop shaming, and step out. Be what you proclaim and profess to be. 

There are so many people that need someone like you to be the heroes people like you are not being because of irrational fears and misconceptions. Please be the heroes you are meant to be not the cowards and deceivers too many in your positions of power currently are. 

You have nothing to lose 

but all of us have a whole lot to gain.