A Guide Denied

a lot of tears through a lot of years
but Depression
that was not my problem at that point
that was why "I think we are off track"
he got lost in the Tao
needed a spiritual guide
but that he denied
because he doesn't believe in forever anymore?
Depression
...satisfied with his life, if he died today he'd be okay
I was his drug
he needed a hug
further he's dug
...he needs a drug
And I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to help
because it was supposed to be about me
not he
literally and ethically
not that I cared
but that I dared
to mention reciprocity
and seek for clarification
and his professional explanation
for the dogs that needed fed
then inside my head
When my buried hell was flooding out of my broken box
breaking down my walls
...kicking down doors
words that I don't fully understand coming out of my mouth
a guide denied?

Dear Ex-Therapist,

Here is the thing, I understand what happened and it was a wild combination of a whole lot of things. the only thing I really don't know is how often you play with your patients. The very problem you thought might keep you safe from getting into trouble from playing with patients, from enjoying your job was the very thing that tripped you up this time.
TBI and I.
You toyed with me. and I played along.
This toy you told too much.
You allowed yourself to be vulnerable because toys have no power to hurt. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable in trying to protect your own ass.
it has backfired
 because you built me up too strong to protect your ass, forgetting that your job was to protect mine.
Now I can't burn out and I cannot die
I can't even disappear for you because you built me to protect you.
....from yourself?
You are broken and hurting or you are hurting others for gain,
but either are not well by the Man Upstairs and in Indra's net.
You are far too valuable.
You have gifts and you are a magnificent creature.
Not just for me but for many.
I'm not sure what you are to do or the lesson you are meant to learn and I am not sure the part I am supposed to play... I don't want to be the judge in it. I don't really understand.
But I do know there is something that needs fixing and breaking me is not going to save you or fix you.
So please find your soul again and trust the gut that is good. You are not the bad dog, or the bad dog is not bad, you are fun, lively and playful. You are good at connecting with people. You care about people. You care. You love and have passion. You are intelligent and driven when you need/want to be. You are so very good at compartmentalizing and organizing. You are strong. You are compassionate. You are curious. You are creative and thoughtful. You dare to make mistakes, [though I am not sure you are very good at admitting when you were wrong]. You are determined. You are a beautiful man and you are very loved. You are needed in so many ways for so many people, and I think this wears you down. But you are better than you know.
I was sent to love and protect you the way I need to love and protect myself. I wish I understood that better and I am sorry I have made so many mistakes, I was not meant to do it alone.
This perfect storm will break the will of whatever it is meant to break.
I hope someday to talk again.
 if not
I'll find you in forever
when you think you have disappeared
and if you are stuck in darkness please listen and take my hand when I try to pull you out.
...because I still believe in forever.

Spirit animals and closed gates

The problem with suggesting I was not manic is that I will consider it.

And as I consider it...

My mind replays

I was embarrassed and it takes guts to try to resolve these things, they are proving why.

Yet they are the ones who are supposed to understand, who are trained to know. They are the ones I am supposed to be able to trust. It is supposed to be a safe place for me and my kind. ...And I suppose I am determined to fight for the humanity I believe in.

I have trusted them, trusted him, so much more than they have ever deserved. Continuing to hope they will be what they promised to be when they took their Hippocratic oaths and/or agreed to their ethical codes. 

It is hard and I don't understand entirely what happened and why. I don't really know if it would be a good idea to talk with that man that has hypnotic effects but I can and do have hard conversations. I can and do hard things and I face my fears because I know that living in fear is no place to live while pushing through and coming out on the other side is far more rewarding. 

I wish they understood this. I wish they understood this about me. 

I am not after them. their power,  their money, or anything else. 

I am after me. I am trying to figure out me and they are the professionals that are supposed to be able to do that, I have paid them for their knowledge and training.

... I am off on a tangent...

But I will consider, because even in spite of their continued abuses and neglect, I will consider what they have to say and what my part is and what is right and wrong or at least what feels right and wrong to me. 

I was angry when they said I was not manic. I was angry because it has been so difficult to manage and so hard to understand what has been going on with me and why.  I have questioned it myself but as they would ignore me and/or be freaked out by me, as I would realize the stupidity of my words or actions I have to allow myself to accept that I was. And it is a hard pill to swallow. Then to be told I am making it all up... SO I went back, thinking and reading, the stuff I have not published here, and I consider; If it was not, then what?

As I considered I started to feel things again. As I read, I started wondering... started believing things again... that maybe are true and maybe are correct... but were denied by the other party?

I had to stop. And laugh. I had to laugh BECAUSE ... 

Well I made a meme to explain it:

So I laughed because... I just don't think they really want me to go there and to believe that. BUT

Maybe I really was not manic. 

They might want to talk to me even more than, because God's got words for them.

So you choose, me or God, who would you rather face and/or deny talking to or through? 

And I'll stop at that because, even though this was just a part of the story and what was going on, that part is a path I'd rather not head down [again] right now. That is the path I struggle to navigate and the path that I speculate wants to pull me into complete psychosis. So while it was interesting and fun to consider, while at times I maybe need to be open to that path, when it leads to results like this I think it is best to close the gate to that path. 

And I'd rather talk about it when I the gate is shut. Please don't open that gate. Thank you. 

reprocessing... again. but coming to the end

This last year has been too much
I am too much
I am not even sure what I am anymore
gaslit?
If is was not mania
was not countertransference
then what?
why did you toy with me, make me a game?
What could you have done
I don't know
recognized that I was in fact very, very broken
do you not remember?
Spirit animals,
laughing far more than I ever had before
You broke me
"I can't loose you"
why was I bothered so much all of the sudden by the fact that you could not be my friend? I knew that. I didn't like it but I was fine with that. I was preparing myself for that
"You never really get to enjoy the beauty of what you create"
you were careless
but you are lying about it. Either to yourself or everyone else
You are manipulating them to believe I am bad and I am after you
But why?
Because your manipulations had backfired?
because you were broken yourself?
Because you are scared?
Because you believe I am bad?
because you think I should burn out? You are trying to burn me down, to burn me up?
I do not understand.
I am sorry I am screwed up. or I have been screwed up
I am, that was my point
You made assumptions and then have claimed them as fact. I did not need to or wish to explore other aspects of my life that were not TBI related in therapy with you. I did not need long term therapy for depression. My buried story was directly related to the impact TBI had had on me and that is what I have wanted to understand. Even when you said "I would have to be open to that" I heard "You have brain damage. Therefore, even in that theoretical world where I could see myself falling in love with you, I would not be willing to take you on."
I know that is not what you said but I suspected that is what you meant. What did you me?
What did you mean when on Dec. 3rd you said "I meant everything I had said"
What did you mean when you said, "I am good at connecting with people but it's not a sexual thing" Were you meaning that you wanted sex or you thought that I did? I tried to explain when I clarified my boundaries, that is not what I was looking for.
But you knew that. You had tested me. That was your disappointment and your frustration.
That is what you had hoped I would get hung up on and come back looking for.
But I broke apart instead.
In my messed up little head
that thought it not possible to be a threat, to be a temptation.
Why did my brain get so messed up?
Why the mania that you deny?
Spirit animals, very little sleep, no need for food, I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with no effort. Increased energy, sex drive. oh the sex, you wished it had been you... and your stupid face wouldn't stay out of it. ...but at least I had that outlet.
I never claimed an inappropriate relationship. but surely your lost objectivity, dumping me without warning, and then playing with me, it was fun, not inappropriate but not therapeutic and you know it. A duel relationship had developed. Not unethical, not inappropriate, just a duel relationship. But it became harmful
...because it was unethical? Inappropriate?
But surely entertaining. Interesting. Confusing.
...because you wanted sex
I understand now
?

Worse Case Scenario or Broken Like Me?

I was so much more broken than I realized.
I really have been like my ankle.
Standing and living as if I was strong even though I was not, even though inside, my tendon was breaking more as I both ignored and pushed through the pain and my misunderstood condition.
I am starting over again.
Trying to understand why they refuse to see the evidence of the broken me.
They are a place of psychology.
Coincidentally my physical therapist -whose first name is the same as my new counseling therapist- originally got his degree in psychology.
Physical therapist says I am still fresh in dealing with this and that was nice to hear. But what really got me thinking is when he asked me yesterday "What could be the worst possible outcome?"
... I think that is the problem.
I think this is the worst possible outcome and I don't really know what to do about it.
This, to me, is the worst possible outcome because I thought I was doing so well, but I could not communicate correctly so I got dropped, and then I broke.
My therapist may have been careless and irresponsible in how he handled the situation but that may have been because I was like my ankle and I appeared to be better than I was; not knowing how to really voice my concerns because I felt guilty and insecure for feeling them.
And I had grown attached. I knew how to handle my attachment and I had a plan but I was too insecure, to broken to know how or even that I needed to communicate my plan with him. The funny thing is, he did the same thing, failed to communicate his termination plan with me.
I was much more fragile than I knew as I was just realizing how broken I really had been for so very long and why. I felt I had knew hope but then the rug was pulled out from under me and I broke.
The breaking was painful and blissful at the same time.
That state of shock your body goes into when it is fighting to survive.
I went crazy but because I have experience with that it was misunderstood, by the one person who was not only supposed to understand and see it but whose job it was to protect and help me through it. But he didn't know how to handle me. The story of my life. He didn't see it, because I was not crazy, I was just functioning from a alternative reality. I was combining the worlds I was living in a bit too well OR he was also living in them but he did not realize it.
My brain has been a mess, a fascinating semi-functional mess, but a mess and a burden on others, which I hate to be, but I am. Especially with the ankle. I need to embrace the burden that I am, I suppose.
But worse case scenario? I am made out to be something I am not, I am misdiagnosed and misunderstood and I don't know how to handle it. So in trying to understand, trying to get those who are the professionals, the ones I am paying for, who are trained to know better than I but have made the mistakes -mistakes I am fine to forgive-  I make tons of mistakes as my silly irrational brain is trying to make sense of all the parts and pieces and input and output and it's chemical surges. Worst case scenario, they don't listen and they act as if I am making it all up, faking, or they paint me to be something I am not and I loose my safe place and hopeful home of recovery altogether. Worst case, he denies everything and I am left alone to decipher and decide what to do about what I know to be defensive and offensive patterns that guilty manipulators and exploiters use....That I have to decide to blow the top off this thing or let it go, knowing I am not so special, not likely the first to be toyed with, he's likely succeeded in exploitations before and is very unlikely to get caught because he is so good at it and he knows how to cover his ass and tracks...
It is my worst case scenario... I don't want to decide that. I don't want to be caught in this spot. I still want to believe it was a comedy of errors with a man who was broken like me. Broken like me

transparant

There are a few things I find interesting. First I have been pretty honest about what has been going on with me. I have not wanted to share the entirety of what the neuropsychologist said that led me to think and feel the way I have. At least I have not wanted to share it in places that I feel could get him into trouble.
But I have been behaving like someone who has been groomed. And for all intents and purposes if you look at my tests, my support system, and my spousal relationship, I appear to be a pretty easy target. Plus I am playful and I was desperate for acceptance...
It is also interesting the words and word choices the people I have had to interact there with have used and how they have behaved toward me while not willing to explain my offense. MM said I twisted her words when I had repeated back "Of course that is all you can say" with a slight laugh at myself for thinking she could or would say anything more when neither of us trusted they other. Her exact words she claimed I was twisting were "that is all I can say"
My Concussion doctor said something about wanting to keep her license, when I was trying to explain my Adderall prescription, that I need it filled. I was confused by this comment because she had asked how I had filled it in the past, and when I told her that was the comment she made. I take 15-30mgs a day as needed. Usually less. Prior to the car accident usually 10mgs a day or less.
She also said that He said I had behaved inappropriately.
The other day while looking at my medical records I found that he told her on Jan. 8th I had made multiple attempts to contact him. I don't even know what he is referring to, other then asking to talk to him that day. Prior to that I am not aware of any contact after my last appointment I had with him on December 3rd except I am pretty sure I sent a thank you note but I don't remember what I said. I sent one to the PA that saw me before Italy, all broken down, as well, before I left to Italy, when I was still straddling two worlds. Did I ask if I could talk with him when I called to schedule the appointment with concussion doctor? I don't think so. Oh, wait, in my trying to understand what kind of creature he was I did find a phone number online for him. I tried calling that one time, to see if it really was a valid number. I would have tried talking to him if it had been, because I did not want to go through his work because, even though I wanted clarification, I did not want to get him into any trouble and I was only concerned about that because he was. But that number was not his and I am not even sure I had tried it at that point.
I also found an address for him but I did not do anything with that.
He is lacking in is online presence which may be a bit suspicious in and of itself because it makes it hard to determine the type of creature that has possessed you when there is such a lack of information about him.
But searching for information to determine what he is, is not an attempt to contact.
Does he count this blog? Hmmm. well, he would have to be coming on here directly and I have no control over that. Have I attempted to contact him through this blog? No. I only told him about it and told him he is welcome to read it. Do I talk to him through it? Only if he is listening. But he is not. and my intention is to help me process and to help me work out, and work through what I need to, sometimes in hopes that it will help someone else, other times to be transparent, and still others, to document this very confusing situation and because it is, after all, a pretty fascinating story and psychology I am living.
But as I think,
I realize something.
In the report, that is so bogus and misconstrued, that releases him of any responsibility or mistakes, the one that claims I was not manic and there was no countertransference and that targets concerns that were not even mine, it does claim to be holding MM (the manager that yelled at me) accountable.
Was she also manipulated by he to protect him?
And every step down this path more and more comes out that has been done wrong or that they are worried about being held accountable for when they know damn well they are in the power position.
People in power abuse power to have and to hold power. They are willing to lie to protect.

He Said What?

I published this...then took it down... does it need to come out? does it need to be said? If I keep it inside me, I am judging and I am playing into whatever trap was set, I am agreeing to be the sacrificial lamb, when I disagree with the tradition of sacrifices to gods... so I suppose I'll publish it again

I hate when I figure out what I wish was not true.
He is so good.
He manipulated and played on my vulnerabilities. He played on the very transference that had me learning to love myself through loving him. He reflected back to me what I had projected in order to manipulate me to protect him.
Because I caught on to him, even though I had not, at least not entirely.
I had not behaved appropriately to his tests. His dabbling in the dark arts.
As of January 8th, he claims I had made multiple attempts to contact him.
When?
The last time I had tried to contact him had been an appointment that I had scheduled on Monday, December 3rd. It was scheduled. I had called the Friday before to get a referral for the speech therapy he had recommended but that I had to have a referral for, his office thought I was still on the schedule for the coming Monday. Since I was struggling to find a therapist and knew I could not keep functioning the way I was when I needed to get to Italy, I asked if I could get it back. I could admit I was wrong and that I had still needed him to be my therapist. That was the last time I had contacted him. It was a scheduled appointment, but somehow they now have no record of it.
After that I think I sent a thank you note/card. I don't really remember what I said in it. I think I probably told him to make sure he charged accurately because he was worth his weight in gold. He had been giving me a reduced rate, Just to be nice.
The thing is I had sent one to the PA at my family practice also who had seen me and addressed the symptoms he had ignored. I had forgotten that one until she thanked me for it later.
From then to January 8th, I do not know what he is referring to. I set an appointment to follow up with the concussion doctor when I got back, I needed to anyway and I figured she'd understand better what was going on with my head and if it could be related to the TBI, plus "you will have to morn that loss" was not really a good answer to my questions and concerns about returning to being a teacher. I don't remember if I had; but had I asked to talk to him when I set that appointment? That is a possibility, but still this is far from "multiple."
What is he counting? This blog?
He would have to come here himself and he said he was letting me burn out. He said he would have nothing to do with me. I know he would have stopped reading very early on if he had ever even looked at it all. I write for me. To process for me. Yes, I put it out there but I do not think this can count since he would have to make the effort to come on here.
I had asked my lawyer to call him, because he had missed the mania and I was concerned about that. I was concerned it is TBI related and it would cause me bigger problems (which it has) in settling with insurance, in getting a job, in life. But my lawyer never called. He did not want it to get messy, he did not think it wise to be involved and have say in my diagnosis or prognosis. Not ethical really, I get it now, but then I thought he did not want to help me solve what I had been told not to solve but needed to [because it is my head and my life], my bigger problems being missed...or my head that was being played with.
I am now cycling again, what I have already cycled through so many times.
I am so angry that he toyed with me and then set things up from the get go to cause damage to me to protect his ass. He even set me up carefully to distrust the whole facility. He manipulated me to distrust speaking up or speaking out to them about any of it. He had me believing they would hurt him if I did. They were the bad guys that might fire him if I tried to solve this, if I tried to understand... and his life is complex, he has had struggles and they would cause him harm if they knew what he might be feeling. And he even worded things just so, so that I would be twisting his words, no matter how I interpreted them, no matter how I relayed them. He was so careful.
I am not who he thinks I am or he enjoys inflicting pain. He has told me he does not care about suffering if it is not close to home.
Yet, I am surprised and shocked that this man, who seemed to genuinely care, was so tender about his kids, and soothing and calming,  is simply a master manipulator and maybe a narcissist. I have been such a fool, giving him the benefit of the doubt again and again, believing he is really truly good at heart but just broken and vulnerable himself.
It is so sad to me.
And he has made a fool of me - really - like what the hell, you bizarre pathetic girl kind of fool? Poor patient advocate (who may just be a tool too) to have to read through all my garbled mess.
But you know what, I will be the fool. I  think I am okay with that. At least I really know that the good person I saw and genuinely cared for was me, even if he was a carefully calculating those intentional reflections, of the me that I had projected, in order to manipulate me.
I am still ahead of your game
and maybe I am wrong, right now, maybe he is just a scared little boy that is behaving stupidly to save his ass and nothing more because I am far more than he can handle and he is terrified of me. I suppose that is a possibility too... but I doubt it. He is far too good. He is far too intelligent. And he is far too professional.
... I bet he has or will yet try that manipulation.
"I will never have any kind of relationship with you outside of here (therapy) because, you being an attractive woman and how easily we have connected, I could see myself falling in love with you."
"You love me?"
"I am a snake?"
"Do you want a hug?"
"If opened up to you and allowed myself to be vulnerable with you...then I could not bear you leaving"
"What we have had is a beautiful ...and I do not want to fuck that up"
"so we can agree to a clean break"
"I have tested your brain in ways you do not know"
"Unfortunately there is still a human element to all this"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"Don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"I could lose my job"
"You could get me into trouble"
"I wonder if this is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time"
when should I come back? "tomorrow"
"at least you have that outlet"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I meant everything I said."
"I would always be protecting you" (boy, did that one turned out to be quite the lie)
"Hypotheticals aside, unless you have already developed feelings for me, you can still be my therapist. You can help me through this," I said to him recognizing that he had neither confirmed not denied countertransference. But he said "I am no longer your therapist. I am not your therapist anymore."
These are just words and they could mean anything but as I confess some of his "boundary violations" now I wonder if I very unintentionally turned his grooming tricks into his own web of deceit with my instinctive defense mechanism and safeguards that stemmed from insecurity, muscle memory of protecting others, and a determined subconscious core value system?
I wonder which it is; scared little boy or master manipulator caught in his own gaslit trap? He did not get what he wanted from me so he is mad. A blue balls kind of mad.
Especially since I seemed so promising; playful, far too comfortable with boys, insecure, broken, and neglected, desperate for acceptance... and an unknowingly sexy little thing in my determined naivety.
and so I wonder; Blue-balled Boy or Frustrated Mastermind?
This is far too extreme for somewhere in the middle.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but is it more powerful than your dagger?

Psychological abuse

I am not sleeping again
This feels like psychological abuse now
It is and has been a straight up abuse of power
I am not sure what to do
It is a massive coverup, I can say that.
One thing people don't seem to understand about me, the thing that scares people is that I am what you see. I am not hiding anything.
I try to respect peoples space and use sense and wisdom in what I share and when but if you ask, I will tell you honestly what happened, what I think, and/or how I feel about something.
I will tell you honestly who I am
If I have a problem I will talk with the person I have a problem with.
I will only say behind your back what I am willing to say to your face
and if I say these are my intentions then those are my intentions.
Please don't force my hand with your assumptions.
I intend to stick up for myself in this situation and I am not going to back down because they are lying about me and because they are gaslighting
That only screams to me that there is a more significant reason to keep going, to stand up and speak out.

Exploring the Rocks Outside of the Box

I had a conversation with my 15 year old daughter sometime last year. It was one of those conversations you have with your kids thinking you are helping them, then they actually end up helping you.
We were talking about fitting in and the box analogy came into play. I was probably being philosophical as we analyzed the box and discussed what it meant to be in it and out of it and if and when our positions in relation to the box were appropriate. I most likely relayed some of my own experiences to try and help her not feel so alone. I really don't remember the conversation exactly but I do remember her words exactly when she matter of factly but also lovingly explained "Mom, the box can't handle you. It's not that you can't handle the box, you can, but the box can't handle you"
We laughed and laughed about that one.
Maybe I am claustrophobic.
But I am okay with that.
I love my kids profound wisdom.
Probably in January, when I was really struggling to handle the complex emotional situation I was in, my 13 year old son kind of out the blue says "the nice thing about hitting rock bottom, is that you now have a solid foundation to build on."
What amazing kids I have.
Shall I build a box on my solid rock foundation?
nah
I'll build something else.
...But not until I have sufficiently explored and understand this rocky terrain.
Life is an adventure and we never really know where it will lead us but it is an adventure to be explored, loved and enjoyed.


{and I am so glad my brain is settling and my death demons have departed}

The insanity of psychology

I am blown away.
No countertransference. that is the claim.
He says so himself.
Fine. I even would have agreed with that at one point, because he had worded it in a way that was implied but neither confirmed nor denied
I gave them that out even, realizing I could have misinterpreted because I had gone manic
but now they want to deny that.
They claim I was not manic
so if it wasn't my manic misinterpretation than what was it?
You even state, transference and countertransference were discussed in your own documentation. so you cannot deny this conversation but you do and you cannot deny the evidence of out of character, irrational mania in my emails but you do.
When it all became cover your ass conversations
 and I became the scarlet liability
it was apparent
it was something.
They said, "not grooming, not countertransference"
but completely unwilling to talk with me and explain?
When I was trying to understand my own brain.

Dabbling in the dark arts of psychology
your cover is blown
so now it is gaslighting
they are working to break me
A power struggle?
Yes
But obviously you are the one in power
do you just need me to recognize that?
I don't want your power
and yes you have power over me
. Is that what you need, is that what you want?
Is your ego satisfied?
This is very very wrong.

Carl D Coye

Once when I was in elementary school, about 4th grade, I noticed something written on the back of school bus seat in front of me. It was a code of some sort. I don't remember the code exactly but based on what I had figured out it said something about liking me. I don't remember if I dared look around or not. It was very strange to me that someone had written this on the bus seat and I don't think I believed it.
Later, much later, like high school or a chance meeting as adults, the writer of the message confessed to me that they were they writer, they had planted it there intentionally, and that they had been surprised I had broken their code so easily.
In high school I received two letters -no, one poem and a letter, in the mail. The poem was well written, and flatteringly beautiful but also cheesy by my cheesy romance averse high school standard:
"your luminescence is by far are the brightest star in this moonlight sky" was my favorite line (and the only line I remember now)
The letter asked me to respond.  Begged me to. But I had no idea what I was responding to and I would not be made a mockery of. So I simply hand delivered to the requested mailbox a note that said it it was for real I was flattered and if it was a joke I was amused but I simply could not respond to someone or something I knew nothing about. I did not heard from them again... I assumed it had been a joke, but I kept the writings because you don't just throw out that kind of flattery, even if it is a joke, that took time, so even as a joke it is flattery, especially since I had foiled the prankster.
So I heard nothing, that is until facebook came about and (years later) this dear admirer in his facebook confessions he posted to entertain his own high school students made a confession that I recognized and called him out on. He was someone I had suspected, in fact the one I suspected most, because of some little subtleties around the time of the events, but I would not have asked, nor confronted him directly about it. So finally, after so many years my admirer finally revealed himself. Turned out it was not intended to be a joke, but rather it ended something like I deflated his ego/confidence in implying it may be a joke. I was one of a few (or maybe two) he had written letters to and he claimed he did not think through his fb confession and had not intended it to be for me. But coincidence [or maybe an internal subconscious determination to solve all mysteries] resulted in my seeing that particular confession and the mystery was solved easily after at least a decade. You can imagine the conversations we had via email after that.
...I eventually blew that up. I had to, it was spiraling out of control quickly. I suppose I was too hot a fire and far too vulnerable for that kind of flattery. But we stayed fb friends.
Maybe still I don't handle the flattery of attraction from men well...
But I am really good at solving the mystery even if I don't believe it
or don't want to.
... my guess this time; I am not the first or only, much like I was not the first or only girl to be flattered by previous cryptically composed admirers.

The Valleys

I had a job interview today for a job I feel very excited about. I am not sure how the interview went though because it was at 2:00 pm. That seems to consistently be about my max out point on optimum cognitive functioning these days and that is very frustrating.
I felt I was doing better than this before the set back of my therapist dumping me.... not up to pre-accident but better than this. I am not sure what set me back more, that or the ankle and 7 weeks of not being able to get much movement in, trying to allow one part of my body to heal at the expense of the other (again).
As far as my mood stability I have been doing immensely better this last week.
Taking the time to stand up for myself, writing it out, even though it was ignored, misconstrued, or misinterpreted, yet again,  still helped me. It helped me know that I am worth it to myself to stand up for and to keep trying for myself even when I know the odds are against me. I feel good and positive about trying and making the effort to say what I felt I needed to and what was right to me even knowing that it most likely would not matter to them and knowing that they don't care and see no value to me or what I have to say.
I suppose it is empowering how hard they are working to restore the "imbalance of power" he is supposed to have over me...but that I apparently have over him or them.
It is very silly really.
Their attempts to restore and maintain the imbalance of power is the unethical issue here.
Good thing I am so powerful
or at least smart enough to see what the ethical issues are.
I feel bad for them, they feel so threatened and insecure, and they are not even sure what the threat is.
It is their own misconception of power and their fear of others who do not conform to their mold.
They are stuck in the king of the hill game that I feel hurts our society and culture. They may feel it too, but they feel forced to play, not realizing that the only way we will ever stop the perpetuation of this damaging game is to either a. stop playing or b. play differently.
I still like the idea of helping each other up and sharing the hill instead of constantly knocking everyone one down, perceiving them as a threat.
This hill in particular is important to me personally and I don't like that I know people who are vulnerable and there for help are going to get knocked down by misinterpretations of power struggles or rigid rules on treatment terms that are only in place to capitalize financially; not to help them to the individual extent they need.
...So in my game I will help you up, hoping this time you don't knock me down. We can discuss our rules and maybe we can negotiate but if you insist on knocking me down again and again, and in playing that way, I'll walk away from you as well.
Maybe someday I'll find a hill that is a good fit and has room for me. But even if I don't I think I'm pretty okay with walking these valleys and loving the souls I find down here.
Down in these valleys you find all sorts; but mostly we are not weak, we are kind by choice.

Transference in A Thousand Years

I want to make my own music video to this song. Christina Perri: A thousand years
About transference. The kind where you need to learn to love yourself.
I listen to this song and visualize the good of what was happening in therapy. The part that I needed [maybe] most.
Christina Perri: A thousand years

I see myself sitting in the waiting room.
My therapists comes out where he usually does, sometimes looking a little ragged and worn down sometimes looking just normal. I am happy to see him, always.  I smile at him, standing there alone. He returns the smiles with the light in his eyes that I love to see.
As I walk toward him it becomes apparent that he is holding a mirror the mirror that then turns into a full length mirror and I am there alone staring at myself.
My smile disappears as I realize he has disappeared. I look behind the mirror and then back into the mirror.
He is there, in the mirror with his hand outstretched. I take his hand and he pulls me through the mirror. He turns me around to face myself again, this time I'm looking at myself from the other side of the mirror. I turn back to my therapist but he points me once again to face myself.
I then see myself the way my therapist has been trying to help me see myself.
I see that I am worth loving and I am beautiful in my own way.  I see that it is okay to love my perfectly imperfect self, and even that I have and can continue to.
I walk out the front side of the mirror rejoining my real self and my therapist walks out the back.

I think this is how the story is supposed to end.

...But in my story, I looked back.

and I noticed the pain in my therapist's eyes as I looked back. I trusted his strength, but I also felt his hesitation to turn me around and his vulnerability as he leaned just slightly on me. I felt his fear and his pain as he then carefully pushed me away to regain his own footing.  I realized how hard his job is. Unfortunately, he didn't notice that my concern for him had distracted me, and my split self had not fully rejoined the me that was walking away strong. 

And as he left to retreat back to his office the mirror fell and shattered and the now split me is left facing the closed door he escaped through while strong me doesn't make it too far before the unaddressed brain damage and reality of the split takes me down and I am left into a millions pieces of shiny glass- glass that was supposed to melt and fade away as we both went our seperate ways- but that I am now stuck in, alone and wondering what I did wrong and how to fix it. How to put my millions of tiny pieces, now etched with his name on them, back together so that I can have me again. So that I can rejoin and reclaim the new and better me that was supposed to walk strong and imperfectly perfected. 

...."you can listen to it while you cry yourself to sleep tonight" I say but it's not about him at all, I am speaking of myself; evidence of how enmeshed and entangled I am in this complex psychological web.

... I don't think about that part when I listen to this song. Rather, I try to see the whole me and leave with that me fully intact, loving myself for a thousand years and loving my therapist as my past therapist and simply that.
Maybe I need to listen to it more.
Or maybe less.
But mostly I need to accept and love the me that I am, broken into brilliantly shiny pieces or not.

Suicidal Explained

Too many hits too close together.
compounded by the big hit that left permanent damage
Yesterday I thought I'd not visit you (blog) for awhile
today, as the gun to the head persists in its nagging I decided to come back to you

I know the stigma all to well
almost impossible to escape
and it starts to feel hopeless so you start to look for a way out. you try hard but when you keep coming back to the same place of rejection, misunderstanding, and "not a chance" your brain may naturally start looking for a way out.
It can be a symptom.
A symptom of something physical
something mental or something emotional
or it could even be a symptom of a screwed up society
But you got to catch it and do something with it or it will do something with you.
You start to plan.
Very naturally. because it makes sense. One less pathetic, burdensome, non contributor to our world is not a bad thing. I can help with that at least... at very least I can do that.
Yep those are the natural thoughts. Haven't been haunted by to this degree for like 20 years.
But I am now.
The thing is; I don't really want to die. It is just what my body is starting to think it is supposed to do. Maybe because I haven't been able to walk for 5 weeks now. I'm in the final stretch. This is a norm I am not accustomed to and my body and mind love movement. They are wearing down. And there goes that left hand again. shaking. Do I need to see a neurologist? But why? so I can feel like even more of a burden and be told nothing anyway.
off on a tangent lets get back to my death. How my body is dying through my brain.
How do people do it when they have the diseases that count and you are allowed to die from; even given credit for dying from?
They often still fight to live, even when they are dying from nobly accepted ailments.
So the question I find myself asking -the chemo to my cancer- is "How do I not die today?"
Today I will not die by blogging.
Today I will not die by sleeping.
Today I will not die by smiling.
Today I will not die by petting my dog.
Today I will pet my dog
and smile
today I will breath
and get a coke with a friend
Today I will talk about it. the hard stuff with the patient advocate.
She was patient, even when I was hard. She kept asking if there was anything else
...and I needed that.
I needed her to keep asking. and I needed to open up and talk, like a human, not a liability who is frustrated with the hurt she cannot change.
Today I will appreciate that. and I will love her for it.
And the friend who gave me the benefit of the doubt and dared to talk openly with me.
Today I will live
and I will again tomorrow
and the next day
and just like it has before
it will get better and the uninvited images of fast ways out will disappear
because life is an adventure
no matter what it looks like
and my goal
is to keep living it
...and loving it.

**Update, After finally being heard by the new team, that I had to find myself, and finally put me on a mood stabilizer that is working surprising well and surprisingly quickly: Unfortunately the patient advocate did not help me get the help I needed and eventually turned on me as well, calling the police to do the job they would not do, and the police, they can do nothing, because I was not in immediate danger, as I had told the other "patient advocate"  lady on the phone. I was just fading as I was trying to start over trying to find a new team with no help from the old one, whose jurisdiction I was under and who had the responsibility and obligation to help me but was simply doing what they could to appease but avoid treating, trying to subtly coax me to go elsewhere with all of their games, denying what had happened and what was going on with me, refusing to talk to me about it and refusing treatment.
Ultimately this conversation and others were used against me as justification for exile in there claim of "prior undisclosed behavioral health issues" and at this time, not cops were called, but they did maintain the no actual concern for me as evidenced in no follow through or actual concern about these very serious issues I was experiencing.

cryptic

was it he or was it me?
cryptic
I liked the game but
was it only my game?

maybe I don't know so much as I think
maybe I was farther gone then I knew
but if so, fooled I you
so that means something

My super powers
I don't yet know how to control
or the extent of them

In the meantime
I'm learning to be okay again
learning to be better than before
because, even if they all want to deny it,
I confused them

I at least know

my new reality is my old reality
that I didn't understand.
my new reality is new again
but this time I know it is head injury
and knowing my reality I can adjust
and learn how to live accordingly

It is confusing
but at least I know what I am and why
and that doesn't mean I deserve to die
or that I am the bad guy

cryptic is your game
and I played along

TBI is my reality
broken, I play wrong

How to begin again.

It is the biggest mystery of all

and I am not sure where to start

Rules are made to be...?

Here is a theory:
Rules are made to for the masses and ideally to protect the masses.
However there is always an exception to the rule.
Should we ignore the exception and force the rule? Or allow the exception only for the exception?
If we allow the exception we compromise the rule.
If we do not allow the exception we compromise the exception.
But if the exception is the ideal the rule is artificially attempting to replicate or protect from abuse then should the rule be reconsidered?
If we do not allow for the exception to the rule we risk destroying or defiling the exception.
We may even risk the destruction of the rule if it becomes known that enforcing the rule abused the exception.
This could result in the untimely changing of rules that are still needed for the majority.
But when the majority becomes the exception to the rule and the rule is hurting large numbers of people then the rule is no longer noble but now an easy abuse of power and the rule needs changing.

Psychiatrist vs Psychologist

The difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist is that
a psychiatrist prescribes drugs
while the psychologist is the drug.