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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

To gay or not gay... That is the question. (Because I am scared)

My last post... Is it my body pushing back against medication and am I swinging into a delusional high filled with grandiose ideals?
That is just it, I don't know. It may be and is that all bad? Can I, can we, as a society and individuals, capitalize on the positive aspects of some of what comes along with mental illness?
I used to have a great uncle who was our family doctor for my growing up years. He said homosexuality used to be considered a mental illness, now if you were to say something like that you would be figuratively lynched. But maybe it is, just as much as bipolar, depression, OCD, and others are. Why not? Why is saying that considered condescending to the gay and lesbians but the reverse is not considered condescending? Can we not embrace and accept other mental illnesses the way that the homosexual conditions have been fought for, embraced, and even celebrated?
When it is acceptable to be a "furry," why is it so damning to be bipolar?
Can't there be some good that comes along with bipolar? With my own over intensities?
Why is it okay to be gay but not okay to be mentally ill?
After a conversations with some teens recently I feel even more concern about all of this and the directions our society is heading. The comment was made that furries don't have a choice. I have heard that gender identity is not a choice while at the same time kids should be allowed to choose. What the hell are we teaching these future generations, what the hell are we doing to these kids?
So here is something to think about:
Like it or not, gender is not a choice. How we choose to identify IS a choice. Our sexual orientation IS a choice. Yes, I am very naturally attracted to men but I also choose to be straight. And I can change my thinking to choose differently. While I do believe their are people to which the opposite may be true I do not see how this is any different than other mental illnesses where your brain wiring and chemistry is not inline with the norm or the standard. Maybe we are not mentally ill but rather we are mentally diverse and should be accepted as such. I do not make a choice about how my brain gets so awry but I do choose how I handle it and what I do to treat it and how I work to fit in or to adapt outside of the norm.
I also see there being a problem with homosexuality being accepted while mental illness is not because, guess what, sexual attraction to the opposite sex causes? Anxiety. And it can cause a lot of it. It can be very uncomfortable and awkward to pursue that and thus we are likely to see more and more kids actually mistaking their comfort with their own gender as attraction to their own sex because they actually are attracted to the opposite sex but the anxiety and intensity of emotions they experience that accompany actual attraction is being labeled as "mental illness."
It's something to think about. And if this conversation makes you angry and you want to jump to defend gays, well, then my friend reread and please carefully exam your own bias and prejudice against "mental illness." Maybe mentally diverse really is a better term, but then will people not get help and treatment when they need it? I don't know. The problem is big and profound.
And the real reason I came on here was to say that I feel small and scared because I don't want to be big and profound. I want to me "normal" and I want to be accepted. I want to not feel the fear that I am feeling right now about trying again to establish myself within society. About the job that I feel I need to do because of my circumstances. And considering I don't take that on, I don't like the fear and apprehension I have about trying to find a job again and revisiting our former projects and some of my dreams, goals and aspirations. I am scared to branch out into the new, to say what I said I would do.
I am scared. and small. and I lack the confidence because my brain tires quickly, I know I might break, I will make mistakes, and my perfectly imperfect is really not accepted and tolerated even though I am not threatening or violent. 
It is not like in the movie "I Feel Pretty," when you wake up to your embarrassment and want to hide away. In real life everyone lets you hide and far too often they don't forgive and they don't try to understand, sometimes simply because your mistakes were not big enough and obvious enough, just weird and maybe annoying or intimidating or too intense so therefore, you are disposed of because their are plenty of other fish in the sea. 
When you have a brain injury and you are foggy, anxious emotional, and forgetful you don't get extra help or understanding, you get bad grades, mad parents, or you get fired.
I'd rather be a legit homosexual at this point in society. But I'm not going to be because, for me, I would simply be choosing that and going against my natural and default personal chemistry ...when I am already fighting enough of my own personal chemistry.
It's the same reason I never did drugs or got into drinking as a teen, I was already screwed up enough. I didn't need any help with that. What I do need is love, acceptance, compassion, respect, equal and fair treatment and for people to stop using my "conditions" against me or thinking that they mean so many things they do not. 



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