"Why can't you just let it go?"
It is an annoying question for a few reasons:
#1. because I have and I do over and over again. But when I succeed in letting it go in one way, it comes back to bite me in another, again and again. If I redirect and avoid thinking about it "it" pushes through in some other way. Sometimes in ways that are much worse than focusing on "it" and trying to understand and solve.
#2. "It" is not the Neuroscience Institute and/or Dr. He. To the person saying this they may think that, but in reality they are asking me to just let go of far more than that. They are asking me to just let go of my experiences and life and the new understanding I was coming to about how my life has truly been altered by the TBI that happened when I was 12. They are asking me to repeat the same patterns that have led to so much trouble, let go of the injury I cannot change and have no control over, and just be fine. All I have control over is how I handle it and what I do with it, I cannot just let go of what my body is and how it functions. I have to work with it in order to be fine, I cannot simply let it go.
#3. If I "just let it go" I am accepting and/or agreeing with them that I was not manic. Yes, I can logically say that is probably not accurate but they are the professionals, and then I am haunted and plagued by the injustice of that, the problems a misdiagnosis can cause if it is stated and upheld in my medical records, the defamations and the fact that this ignorance and/or abuse of a patient is not likely going to be isolated to just me. There are big problems and I am certain I am not the only one who has been or will be harmed by policies and procedures that perpetuate the kind of harm and worse that befell me.
#4. My core says I need to stand up for myself for reasons mentioned in #3 and because not doing that feeds that part of my psyche that buys into "I'm not worth it."
#5. Mania is not easy to manage through, nor is it easy to recover from. It is hard on brains and families. Yet the intensity of it is... exciting, exhilarating, supernatural, deep, profound, and very real. If it is denied, as it has been by the ones in power, the ones who diagnose, the ones that are supposed to be trained to recognize it, and the ones that I trusted, than it must mean that what I was feeling and the connections there were real for both parties and I am no longer meant to be with my husband. I can't come back even when he says "I just want you back" because this is no longer where I belong if the "not manic" diagnosis is accepted. Furthermore, to deny both mania or that divinely orchestrated transference-countertransference connection is, at very least, equivalent to denying God. With all the spiritual connections, omens, bizarre coincidences, etc. of this situation to do nothing, to let it go, would be to deny God. Even if it is entirely something different and heading down this path takes me entirely somewhere different, I am not willing to deny God. I am not entirely sure what I need to do or how, but I know I have to do something. Return to Dr. He or address the bigger issues?
#6. When I choose to do something and choose to stand up for myself and fight back I am choosing to live and I am choosing my husband. I would like him to choose me too because if he is not standing up for me and with me in fighting this than it feeds that return-to-He-beast also.
Dr. He was my safe place, he was my support and he is where I felt most at home at that point in time ...and possibly ever in my life... and in my defense, from what I have researched, this is not an entirely uncommon occurrence in therapeutic relationships. It is a connection that is powerful and profound and hard to loose even without it being transference and manic fed.
So as much as I don't believe in the word can't and I know that I could in fact continue to try to "just let it go" I hope you will understand a little better what I meant and the effect it might have on a me. I hope when I say "I can't just let it go" you understand that if I did I would be stuck in limbo and my heart will just keep trying to find its way back home... to a home that does not exist and probably never did and/or to a home that needs and/or wants me gone so very completely.
I am sorry to say this, but it is the truth that all parts of me seem to agree on. And I know that because right now, in saying this, I feel no surges, I feel no crazy out of control chemistry, I just feel... normal and balanced. I feel safe, sane, rational and plain.
and I have nothing left to say.
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