I don't know that I will return to teaching... But I will say that substituting now, with the mood stabilizer helping me out, is so much better. My head doesn't feel like it's going to explode by the end of the day and I don't have to hide in the bathroom during recess or lunch because my eyes are leaking again. The over stimulating environment that it is, is not so bad and I can play great teacher for a day and be gone. It is nice. But substitute teaching is not a career and I don't know that everyday would be a good idea for me, which would then not be great for the kids. I am a great teacher in many ways but I know my limits. ... and so I am here again, trying to decide what to do when I grow up.
There is an identity crises that seems to accompany my mental lapses... And I hope I will get this one figured out better this time around. I mean damn, I broke big enough this time that I am likely (and proving to be true) not going to be able to burry that part of me so well and forget that is a problem and part of me. I kind of have to embrace now that this is a part of my perfectly imperfect... I can't fake it anymore. I am what I am and I have to accept it...
It is not as easy to do as it is to say...
SO
I'll talk about suicide now.
There is a lot I can say about that. But mostly I want to say it is a symptom. It is not the problem and it is not the solution. It is a symptom that needs to be listened to and addressed. Find out why, where it is coming from and then treat the problem while managing the symptom.
and that is something I have said before and will say again and again until people listen and start thinking of it differently.
One of the tricky things about the suicidal tendencies is that on one side there are the people who are hiding, not wanting to be a burden and not wanting to talk about it because of the misconceptions or because people with freak out and/or treat them different while on the extreme other side there are plenty of people who use it as a way to control others, a threat to get their way and their family members feel held hostage by the threat. They give those of us who know this damn symptom too well a bad rap. I question whether or not they really know what it is to be suicidal. Possibly it could just be an enabling problem. Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior. And on the flip side people with mental illness should not be condemned anymore or less for bad behavior. Very sane and rational people are capable of very bad behavior and they are branded as "crazy" when really they are just jerks.
... I am rambling kind of pointless floating... because I want to talk about this, but at the same time I am not in the mood.
...and just now I am returning from a phone call from a referral my psychiatric PA made. She apparently wanted me to see a physiatrist. She wants me to have someone helping me manage the TBI related stuff but the neurologist through her network has a long wait list. So maybe that is why she wants me to see a physiatrist.. I don't know. but turns out they don't take my insurance. So the nice girl gave me a recommendation. The doctors name and the phone number. Yep, can't go there. It's the Neuroscience Institute's number. That is where this guy is at and I have been exiled from there. What a mess. What a fiasco. Why can they deny me treatment? But then again, at this point I think I don't trust any of them and now really wondering if it is all just fraud. I think they don't know shit about head injuries and they are simply using and abusing people like me for a pay check.... a nice cushy fat pay check, easy money and low liability because my brain marred peers don't stand a fighting chance in this industry of glutenous god-complex narcissists
... just when I think I can let it go...
NOPE.
And if I were symptom free it'd make this so much easier.
Keep fighting
drama for trauma
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