Lucky

my doodle. I'm pretty sure I didn't plagiarize the words so I even signed it :)

I'm not sure who actually reads this blog, but thank you. Thank you for reading me. Especially to Bob. He will occasionally check in with me and give me feedback and I both love and appreciate it.
Right now I feel tired. This journey of mine has been exhausting.
But I also feel very lucky.
I am so very lucky to be in a position where I don't have to work and I can spend time and energy on healing. My new neuropsychologist and psychiatric nurse practitioner both feel this is a good thing. "Take it slow," they say and I am so glad I can. But that's also kind of funny because of how fast my mind has been going. In circles, maybe, but still very fast. I am glad it has slowed.
I also feel very lucky to have found this new team. Beautiful young PA thanked me for trying to get better and for trying something new. That was funny to me. I had thanked her for helping me, the medication is helping me to feel alive again in ways that I was faded and fading from. She, in return, thanked me for trying to get better and I responded with "I had been this whole damn time" which she understood since we have had lengthy conversation on what brought me to her. She then said, "well then thank you for trying something new." That made me laugh.
I like her.
And I laughed for a few reasons, one, because I am not sure I have ever been thanked for trying something new. And I am very good at trying new things. It reminds me of my daughters comment, "Mom, the box can't handle you."
I am also very lucky because I have friends. Amazing friends. Not the kind that I hang out with everyday or even all that regularly, but good friends none-the-less.
Yesterday I had a conversation with one such friend and she talked about my brain healing and getting myself back. I wasn't quite sure how to explain that I do not really want my old self back, because the reality is that old self was never quite good enough. I hadn't quite figured out enough tricks to working with my brain. Also there is the unfortunate reality that potentially comes with every injury and/or trauma, and that is you will never be the same. You may have to accept a new norm. She understood, but then reminded me of the me she was referring to.
Oh yeah... I love that me and I love that she remembers that me. The adventurous fun me, she called it. Oh, yeah again, that me, the one that always had big dreams and ideas that were too big for my britches but I would often try to pull off anyway. The me that her kids would randomly miss.
That me.
That me is coming back.
And starting to dream again.
Starting to ponder the endless sea of possibilities ahead of me with a returning desire to set sail.
Ahhh
We also talked about my blog and my writing. She was glad I do it. She thinks it sounds more like me because it could help people. She feels if I pursue this whole writing thing I could help a lot of people. She has confidence in me, and to her that sounds more like me. This made me feel so happy. To be understood and even appreciated. Thank you friend.