A Mathematical Mess

 I have a lot to say and am feeling better today but I am starting to tire again sooo let's see what comes out (and how!)

A few weeks ago my cousin told me more people need to talk openly about the issues I talk about (TBI, mental illness, abuses of power and systems, etc) and I agree but can you see why we do not?... You are often heavily punished for it. If you follow this blog you know of many very unethical and egregious ways I (and my family) have been punished for speaking up and speaking out and not just by individuals who don't understand - USU, Utah State University, specifically and shockingly their USU Psychology Department and USU Division of Student Services being some of the worst offenders of all. Speaking out from my position is very risky and I have now learned can be literally dangerous to yourself and your family. 

Later, at the same family event an aunt told me how much she admired me and how I always managed to maintain a positive attitude and outlook. She praised me highly in ways that significantly contradict the discrimination, attitudes, misconceptions, etc. that I have faced so frequently, like from those at Utah State University. But my aunts praise renewed my strength as it brought tears to my eyes. I was so grateful for the acknowledgment and appreciation. It was good to know that I am still me and I have not been destroyed by all of this and the degradation that I have faced so much...

*side note - a few things that make me seem positive in light of adversity are:

1. I tend to downplay. In-other-words I am not an over-exaggerator. This is partly due to observing over-exaggerating and stories that get bigger and better over the years and how they can create, increase and cause harm to people. With the most harm often befalling the exaggerator, although they usually don't know it. I used to be so concerned about not-exagerating that I was ridiculously and tediously meticulous about any experience I relayed. I'd make sure I fully disclosed if I was not 100% certain of a point, and I would consciously err on the side of downplaying in order to avoid any form of embellishing. Thus my relaying of traumatic events would not be nearly as traumatic as they actually were and that others may have felt or known them to be.

2. I try to stay positive and find the silver linings. I usually finds some and then I choose to focus on those or at very least make sure they are brought to light as well.

3. I appreciate others and I share that. I always try to find the good in others even if it is someone that has wronged me. I give credit where credit is due. It has been pointed out to me that, historically, I have been a bit too generous in giving of those credits...  I have learned "credit where credit is due," needs to go both ways: positive and negative.  I am getting better at giving credit where credit is due, both positively and negatively, and to myself as well.

There are others reasons, but this is enough for now, just as it was enough for me to know that the people who actually know me do not think of me or treat me in ways that are at all similar to how Utah State University people, Cache County Prosecuting Attorney, and miscellaneous others, including many within IHC, have treated me when I have tried to communicate with them.

That said, out of my head.  

Glad to have felt some extended support. 

Next on the list: Herniated Disk+TBI+Stress (some from of the above mentioned)=A Mess of a Body. 

Here are the steps to the equation broken down:

1. minor low back pain leads to

2. sciatic.  Causes

3. numbing foot. Then

4. worse-pain-ever extreme sciatic and foot more numb -So call teledoc (because it is Sunday) They prescribe a steroid and naproxen. Told to get in to someone

5. Meds help. Symptoms not gone, but they help. 

6. Try to get into orthopedist, physical therapist, neurologist, whomever can see me and that Google is telling me is the "best" for this... not much luck and week to weeks out. 

7. Finish steroid- next afternoon: tingles rapidly progress to chills, head ache, body aches, stiff neck, kind-of sore throat, uncontrollable shivering, rising fever, thirst, slight nausea, extreme fatigue, sensitivity to light. 

8. curl up on couch, lots of blankets, thermometer, water, not-well-lit room.

9. Call tell-a-doc. "Get in. Could be meningitis." 

10. Go to urgent care. Nice Urgent Care Dr. there is going on 13 hours. -Not surprised it's an IHC facility...yep, I'm jaded, not so positive, but you see I still give them chances, I still give the individuals there credit when credit is due- She has me do some neurological tests, i.e. finger tracking, "remember these words?""I'm good at these tests" I half joke. I do try to warn her that I'll manifest better than I am with head stuff, but I am a bit off so phrases aren't coming out quite right when its not a "test." She checks reflexes and stuff and does not think meningitis, -Good, my gut, although in pain, does not think so either so I trust it. Then she tests for strep, Covid, Flu, and RSV (all but strep are the same test). Strep is negative. They will contact us in about an hour about the Covid et all. results -but, Dr. says, I "should be asleep by then."-  Dr. prescribes a muscle relaxant and tells me to take that and the naproxen until I see Orthopedist on Wednesday. No blood draw, no urine sample. 

-I am tiring of this equation format so I am switching my writing style now.-

Sunday morning I can't wake up when I needed to but manage to get the thermometer in my mouth. I sleep with it for a bit, then manage to actually check it. No fever. Good. But I am too wiped out to get up. Send family. When up, I check again, no fever and I feel better. Results of the Covid/flu/RSV test, all negative. Good. We attend the Celebration of Life for my dear dying friend and mentor. An amazing turn out for an amazing teacher and person. 

After that we have a store stop we need to make. That is when I start getting cold again... Oh, no. Shivers start. My husband sends me to the car to get warm while they wait to check out. By the time I get to the vehicle (it's not actually a "car") I am shivering so violently and uncontrollably that it is making my back and muscles hurt and difficult to unlock the vehicle -It's is a remote entry btw. Once in, I crank heat and close my eyes. I focus on my breathing and the sensations in my body. I do what I can to "control" the excessive shivering and other pains and sensations. I do it by allowing myself to feel what is happening inside and breathing through it. I do it by not trying to control it, but by listening. It's probably a form of meditation. At home, I curl up in blankets, with water and a thermometer in a not-well-lit room. The fever is back and higher. I take the naproxen and the muscle relaxant as well as my usual evening drugs (Seroquel). I focus on feeling to distract the shivering. 

Next morning I feel terrible and our equation is complete = My body is a mess... I have symptoms that match: meningitis, peptic ulcers, diabetes, west nile virus, .... and a so many other things. 

..and there is so much more to this story it is taking longer than I'd planned to explain. So maybe it'll be continued tomorrow as I leave you with this cliffhanging word of caution: Many doctors are so concerned with COVID right now, and/or have so much added stress, they are forgetting that other problems exist AND that they still need to remember the whole picture so it is important to be your own advocate, trust your gut, ask questions, make requests, AND read ALL of your pharmacy prescription papers! Trust me on this one...

to be continued... 

The Plight of the Attorney

 I have been working with kids of all ages since I was a kid myself. Currently I am a licensed elementary school teacher although I am not teaching as a "teacher of record." Instead I substitute teach. Substitute teaching has it's own set of challenges but I often enjoy it and I have noticed and learned a lot from my experiences as a substitute teacher.

One interesting phenomenon I have observed is how the classroom management strategy of praise around works in elementary school versus junior high school. 

"Praise around" is simply the act of praising the good behavior you see and want to encourage instead of focusing on the bad behavior you want to discourage. So if a child is doing something they should not be doing the teacher praises the kids in close proximity to the child that are doing what they should be doing in order to encourage the misbehaving child to notice and behave similarly. It is an extremely effective strategy with elementary school aged children. 

However, in junior high, it is completely opposite. If you try that strategy with junior high students (and I have) the kids you are praising will turn on you. Sometimes the entire class will turn on you. I am not entirely sure why. My guess is it has to do with their developing and needing to develop increased independence. I also wonder if it is because they do not want you to believe that your approval matters and/or they want to be sure you know your place. 

It's an interesting phenomenon and yesterday I realized that this phenomenon seems to apply to attorneys as well. It most certainly seems to apply to the prosecuting attorney I met with and thanked for treating me with decency last week. Because this week, what a turn around... and there were several condescending remarks and undertones that seemed to be directly related to the gratitude I shared with him about how he had treated me.

Now, to be clear, my intention in thanking him was not any kind of conscious effort to praise around. It may illustrate just how much our experiences, education, and careers influence every aspect of our life and it might help to illustrate how this can create and/or exaggerated misconceptions and misunderstandings between people in different demographics, but thanking him was not an attempt to utilize this strategy.  However, the vibe and change in tone was so similar to what I have felt in the aforementioned junior high scenario that I couldn't help but make the connection. Even though my motive was sincerely out of gratitude and wishing to honor what has been missing far too frequently in not-just-my-life but our world in general right now, upon feeling what I did yesterday,  I could have hit my palm to my falling forehead with an expression of, "Doh," because it was such a glaring mistake, albeit one of innocence and naivety, to have made. 

Oh well, I guess. But I cannot blame myself and I am certain that, while this may have influenced a bit of his condescensions, it is not really evidence of my doing wrong so much as it is evidence of how prosecuting attorneys are conditioned and how much easier it is for people to continue with the perpetuation of harm when the harm is coming from their colleagues, peers, and individuals and institutions that are in positions of power than it is for them to actually stand up for the underdog and work to end the patterns of  discrimination, injustice and wrongdoings and the cycles of victim blaming and shaming that are too prevalent in our societies and cultures... and that is a very sad thing... 

... And one of the most obnoxious things about all of this is being expected to graciously accept there dismissiveness and condoning of wrongdoings against me because of the time they have invested into "listening." 

and I am slipping again into wanting to yell and lash out. I have been starting to feel like I should start acting according to how I am being treated so that I am at least deserving of it in some way. 

So thank you, you jackasses, for the time you have invested in dismissing and degrading me. You are so noble and intelligent to take so long to justify your colleagues mistakes and stupidity to yourself. Thank you!  

There, trouble earned. 

and at least I am laughing for a moment at myself, which I suppose is what I may need the most right now. 

The Powerful Effect of Being Treated with Dignity and Respect

Living with brain damage can be make life very interesting. The permeant effects I have still surprise me at times. One thing I have noticed and mentioned is that I am much more sensitive to just about everything. This not always a bad thing. Like eating healthy, I feel the negative effects so much quicker that it is easier to identify the problem and turn my habits around before the negative effects are impossible to reverse. 

Another thing I think my TBI's makes me more sensitive to is mirror neurons (you can read about those here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3898692/ and here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog...). It seems I am a bit more sensitive to and even reflective of what what others are projecting. I feel it more and I reflect it back often without realizing I am doing it. 

...and as I am writing and thinking about this an epiphany strikes: there is very likely a connection to the suicidal impulses I feel when I am dismissed, degraded, and treated with other forms of disrespect and condescension. hmmm.... it makes a lot of sense why I have to fight my own brain and suicidal self-destruction impulsive intrusive thoughts when others wish for me to just disappear and dismiss or degrade me in an attempt to make me disappear. ...this theory makes a lot of sense in a lot of scenarios I have experienced recently actually... hmmm... interesting. 

Back to what I really came on here to write about: The incredible healing power of being treated with dignity and respect. 

This morning we met with the new Chief Prosecuting Attorney in the county where the charges were filed against me. The very lovely victim advocate I met with last week who helped set up the meeting was there to offer support. My husband was also there. I sat between the two of them as I talked with the Chief Prosecuting Attorney (how about we call him CPA). He listened, he asked questions, he treated me as if I were intelligent and knew what I was talking about. He treated me with dignity and respect. At one point, when I was starting to feel a bit defensive, he gave me a stern look and reprimanded with the common, "excuse me" or something like that, for my interrupting him. It is important to note that he was not rude, condescending or degrading, it was just that simple reminder that we all sometimes need when we need to allow the other person to speak. I appreciated his stern but respectful response, it made it very easy to correct myself, apologize, and listen to him. Especially since I knew from how he had been listening and treating me that he would listen when it was my turn again and after he said what he needed to or what he felt I needed to understand. 

It was very refreshing to finally be heard. 

One thing I noticed, and that I was very surprised by, was that I didn't cry at all. I think my eyes welled a tiny bit when I mentioned my son and out concern for him, but I was so composed and able to speak without the emotional interruptions that often require periods of silence for me to regain composure. I did occasionally loose my words but it was not too frequent and I was able to recover them fairly quickly. 

But the one thing that shocked me the most was the void of tremors. Although I was a bit shaky going in, while meeting with the CPA not even my increasingly tremory left hand revealed my "disability." 

I felt strong and confident. I felt more like me, the me that I really am.

On the ride home, my husband and I celebrated this tiny victory as we reflected on it and that is when I realized just how much of a difference it makes when you a: have support and b: are treated with dignity and respect. Those two things reduced the stress of the situation significantly.

This moment and those people deserved to be honored so I thank my husband and then once back home I sent the other two a quick thank you via email. That is when my eyes well and a few tears spill, but only a literal few. 

 Surprisingly the effects of being treated with dignity and respect don't end there, they hold. I was certain I would fall apart at some point, but I don't. I feel good and solid the entire day. My energy is good, my head does not hurt, and I have no tremors at all the entire day and this is such a pleasant surprise. It also helps me understand just how bad I really have been being treated by so many people at USU and those others I have had to deal with and try to resolve things with through this whole ordeal. Realizing this and feeling it helps me, and can continue to help me, recognize that it really is not me and I am truly not deserving of the treatment I have been receiving. Neither is my son. 

It also helps me appreciate those who have been a support, even if it is in very small ways. 

So that is good and I am glad and so very, very grateful.

...And now it is time to take my meds to make sure I don't get too glad and too grateful. What a weird disability to have.

(*published one day after events described)

Living to fight another day

 "Please let my heart fail before my brain does," I pray, because I know that would be so much easier on my kids and my husband. 

"I'd rather die than comply," I say in response to all the crap I keep hearing about getting the COVID 19 vaccine. I do not like how this pandemic has been handled; the divisiveness and fearmongering. In my opinion the psychological and environmental effects of how it has been handled by so many people, institutions, organizations, entities, governments, etc, has been far worse than the effects of the virus. And I don't love the world we are living in because of it. I don't love a lot about how people are treating each other and how I have been and am being treated myself. Why the hell would I comply with getting a vaccine because it might just save my life - A vaccine I don't believe in for a virus I that has proven to be not nearly as scary as they initially led us to believe it was; a virus that is being used by big cooperations and media as a money maker and is being used for political agendas that I do not agree with. I do not believe I am killing anybodies grandparents by not getting vaccinated and I do not believe children should have ever been told or made to believe that they are responsible for another persons death if they did not or do not wear a mask. That is horrible. So take it how you will, but I'd rather die than comply -add those other "trials and tribulations" and can you see why? 

The burdens right now feel too heavy. The prolonged stress of this is wearing me down. The continued  rejections, dismissals, denials, degradations, discrimination, is wearing me down. I am worried about my kids and how this shit has effected them. I am so worried about my son. He is so fragile right now but he is trying so hard not to be. I love him so much but there is so little I have been able to do to help him and the continued denials, dismissing, degradation is not just of me but of him also. I try to shield him from it but that is impossible and probably not wise, it will not help him to try and shield him from the chain of abuses that adult who should know better are excusing and justifying because of the one mistake he made one time when he was scared and distressed himself about how I had been being treated... 

This is not just a fight for me and my sake, it is a fight for his sake... 

but I am getting so tired and my brain is starting to malfunction because of it... Problems with working memory, focus, fatigue, emotions, filters, etc.  

So I pray, "please let my heart give in before my brain does" as I live to fight another day. 

feelings

Maybe blogging it out will help. 

School is starting again and I am nervous for my kids. Daughter is starting college. She is not ready and she is overwhelmed. I am worried about her. 

Son is starting his junior year and a new job. He is so fragile. He would not claim it, and he is trying, but I know he is trying so hard to not be fragile. I see it and I feel so much pain for him. This last year has been so hard on him. The crap I have gone through has been so hard on him... I pray constantly, hoping that people will be kind and give him a chance. Hoping he will find his courage again and find his voice. 

and I am sad... Not sure what to do with myself again or how to do it. I feel my potential has been lost to rumors and lies that people have spread about me that I cannot get ahead of. 

I feel worthless and insignificant. I feel forgotten and ignored. I hate that I wonder why I am here at all. 

I don't really know what to write... so I guess never mind. It's just not helping today...

I don't know what to do. I am so awkward now and nobody wants me, they do not see my potential... So maybe I don't actually have any. Yet I don't really believe that. Its just that rejection hurts and we, as a society, are still so far behind in how we treat people who have bipolar or who have had TBI. We, with bipolar and/or who have had TBI are so misunderstood, mis-categorized, stigmatized, ostracized, and mistreated... It's hard and exhausting and I am so lonely hear. 

Maybe it is time to run away again. 

Push Crash

 I'm supposed to stop and take a break if I am approaching 80% and/or before I crash... I am feeling so tired right now that I just want to go back to bed... But it is so early in the day and I haven't gotten hardly anything done... I don't want to stop and take a break. I don't want to feel so fatigued and worn down so early and after doing so little. "I'm not pushing myself hard enough," I think as I refuse to take a break. I am determined to be fine and capable. I have so many things I need to do and so many things that need to be done in order to keep fighting, but the thought of it weighs heavy like it is pushing me into the ground.

I pick up my laptop and decide to watch a training video. That might be a good break I think. I even take it to bed thus allowing myself to fall asleep while watching the video if that is really what my body needs. But my eyes start leaking as I open my laptop... Have I already pushed to hard? My eyes leak even more and I decide to come on here to write it out first. 

This is what this "disability" looks like. It is very hard to  accept and come to terms with and people really have no clue and rarely do they even try to. 

push crash happens too fast...

Plights and Fights and very painful Insights

 Sometimes my brain collapses in on itself and this is the best I can do. Blog

Hard time getting up this morning. Finally up. Get dressed and ready to go. I need to bring the expungement certificates to Cache County. I have been reluctant. I want to make sure that is the best thing to do, I want it gone completely, especially since the charges had been filed by "mistake" but they will still show up on background searches because teaching, what I do, and what I want to do, require higher security clearance so "it'll always show," I am told and, "you won't want to try and hide it," even after its expunged they tell me... I want to get it taken care of but how? I have tried but nobody seems to care that the prices of their "mistakes" have and continue to be so very high for me. 

This is too much right now. Too many stressful and overwhelmingly emotional things to handled. These are the times when I really know and have to face the fact that I do, in fact, have a disability.

And this is what it looks like. 

I have so much to do but I can't keep it all straight and it can easily become cognitively and/or emotionally overwhelming. I know when it has become cognitively and/or emotionally overwhelming because my heart changes it's patterns and functioning, I will feel a surge in chemistry, and I feel physically weak. I cry very easy and I become so very forgetful and tired. Sometimes so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open... it becomes a battle to survive and thrive... then I feel guilty for being so weak. But it is not because it is intellectually difficult, it is because it is emotionally difficult and I am being treated poorly through it. 

... it's all I can do to keep going...

Too much. 

And my body is not allowing me to go today...

Jumping now.

Insurance papers form the car insurance; Explanation of Remittance. I'm not sure what they mean or what I am supposed to do with them. But in them there are notes from visits with my psychiatric PA. She documents "suicidal ideation" but that's not right because I'm not idealizing or contemplating it... It is more impulsive and intrusive... "Maybe I am misunderstanding the term ideation," I think. 

So I look it up. "Ideation: the formation of ideas or concepts." 

Okay, I suppose that is correct. 

These hits that hit so hard and hurt so deep, coming from people who should know better -and even declare evidence of that on their own websites - actually causes, triggers, encourages, (or whatever) the "formation of ideas or concepts" that equate to ones ceasing to exist. 

Why is that? 

It's pretty obvious really: they are telling you and sending the message loud and clear that you don't matter and they don't care. 

The not caring... We are supposed to think, "Whatever, who cares what you think," right? But in reality, when that comes from the exact people who should care, whose job it is to care, the ones who are supposed to be and that we believe are actively working to make a better more humane, fair and caring world... It cuts so much deeper than we allow it to... 

Jump. 

So many kids with anxiety issues. So much increase in depression, PTSD, suicide, and so many mental health issues... 

Connect

It's not terribly surprising now is it? 

and all I wanted to do was help... 

Story time: I got to hang out with an old friend. She is telling me about a brother's girlfriend's ex-husband who is the father of her child. "He has a criminal record that includes child abuse," friend explains as she expresses her concern and frustration with him being allowed, by the courts, to keep his child for longer than initial arrangements had allowed. 

It makes me wonder and I ask, "was he prosecuted for child abuse or just charged with it?" 

My friend doesn't know. It does not seem to matter all that much... and even I think so because we all know if he was charged for it then of course he did enough wrong to deserve the charges and he probably just had a good attorney...

"This," I point out, "is exactly what is wrong with my being wrongly charged. That is exactly what people will think about me." 

"Your right," she says, "and that is totally unfair." She knows I'd never do what they accused me of and she thinks it is so stupid that anyone ever even thought I would put my kid up to what they accused me of... She knows, but we both know others, who don't know me, who may be looking to employ me or admit me into grad school, will not know and will automatically assume that I stalk and harass people just because I was once charged for it. 

...so my heart breaks again seeing the reality of my plight...

and why I have to fight.