"Please let my heart fail before my brain does," I pray, because I know that would be so much easier on my kids and my husband.
"I'd rather die than comply," I say in response to all the crap I keep hearing about getting the COVID 19 vaccine. I do not like how this pandemic has been handled; the divisiveness and fearmongering. In my opinion the psychological and environmental effects of how it has been handled by so many people, institutions, organizations, entities, governments, etc, has been far worse than the effects of the virus. And I don't love the world we are living in because of it. I don't love a lot about how people are treating each other and how I have been and am being treated myself. Why the hell would I comply with getting a vaccine because it might just save my life - A vaccine I don't believe in for a virus I that has proven to be not nearly as scary as they initially led us to believe it was; a virus that is being used by big cooperations and media as a money maker and is being used for political agendas that I do not agree with. I do not believe I am killing anybodies grandparents by not getting vaccinated and I do not believe children should have ever been told or made to believe that they are responsible for another persons death if they did not or do not wear a mask. That is horrible. So take it how you will, but I'd rather die than comply -add those other "trials and tribulations" and can you see why?
The burdens right now feel too heavy. The prolonged stress of this is wearing me down. The continued rejections, dismissals, denials, degradations, discrimination, is wearing me down. I am worried about my kids and how this shit has effected them. I am so worried about my son. He is so fragile right now but he is trying so hard not to be. I love him so much but there is so little I have been able to do to help him and the continued denials, dismissing, degradation is not just of me but of him also. I try to shield him from it but that is impossible and probably not wise, it will not help him to try and shield him from the chain of abuses that adult who should know better are excusing and justifying because of the one mistake he made one time when he was scared and distressed himself about how I had been being treated...
This is not just a fight for me and my sake, it is a fight for his sake...
but I am getting so tired and my brain is starting to malfunction because of it... Problems with working memory, focus, fatigue, emotions, filters, etc.
So I pray, "please let my heart give in before my brain does" as I live to fight another day.
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